“It’s nothing. A disagreement among friends.” He pulled away from her. “What are you doing here?” He had assumed she and his father would have left Seattle earlier in the week after he’d gone off on them.
“I just wanted to come see your brother,” she said as she looked over the grave. A frown crossed her features as she bent down to pull at a weed. “I pay the caretaker extra every month to get rid of these,” she muttered as she tossed the weed aside. Her gaze fell on the less than fresh bouquet of flowers that were just beginning to show signs of rot. “And he’s supposed to put fresh flowers out every week.” She marched up to the tombstone and grabbed the flowers and threw them next to the grave.
“Mom,” Shane said, a little worried and unnerved by her odd behavior. She looked up at him and then finally seemed to realize that he wasn’t alone. “This is Savannah.” He felt Savannah tense next to him and waited to see how his mother would react. If she showed Savannah any disrespect…
“Oh my dear, it’s nice to finally meet you.” His mother stunned them both by reaching out to pull Savannah into a warm embrace. “I’m so sorry we interrupted your morning the other day.” She pulled back and patted Savannah’s cheek. “Sometimes Shane’s father and I forget that he’s not our little boy anymore and that we need to respect his privacy.” She clasped her hands together and Shane could only gape at her. Where was the condemnation, the disgust?
“It’s nice to meet you Mrs. Matthews,” Savannah said as she too seemed to struggle to find her words.
“Oh please, call me Linda.”
“Mom,” Shane began, growing more concerned by how flighty his mother was acting.
“Shane,” she whispered in what sounded almost like a begging tone. She grew still as her gaze lifted to meet his. “Please, Shane, I’m trying. I wasn’t expecting to see you here…” She looked around the cemetery. “I’m just a little nervous because I don’t want to mess this up again,” she said anxiously as tears flooded her eyes.
“I’ll give you guys some privacy,” Savannah said quietly and turned to leave. Before Shane could stop her, his mother was grabbing her hand.
“No, please stay.” Savannah stopped and his mother held onto her. “I’m sorry for my careless words the other morning – I didn’t know how my son felt about you and Paige made it sound like…” She waved her hands like she was dismissing the thought. “Please stay,” she said again and smiled when Savannah nodded.
Her attention swung back to him. “I keep going back in my head to that night at dinner when Michael told us who he was. We were so caught off guard…” she explained as she began wringing her hands together. “Your father knew it was wrong the instant he did it – disowning Michael like that – but you know your father and his pride. He just needed time to cool off. By the time he reached out, it was too late,” she said as a sob gripped her.
“You made me lie about how he died.” Shane couldn’t keep the accusatory tone from his voice.
“We were weak Shane. One second everything in our life was perfect – at least our messed up version of perfect – and then it wasn’t. We didn’t know how to deal with a gay son. And then to have to admit that we drove him to take his own life?” She shook her head. “We were cowards. All he we had left was you and our reputation. It was selfish to ask you to take his place like that, but you just slipped so easily into the role that we never considered you might not want it.”
It had been his own fault for playing the role so well, he realized. “I thought I could give you back the part of him you loved most.”
“We didn’t love Michael because he fit some ridiculous mold we had created in our heads for him. We loved him because he was our son. We love you because you’re our son. Nothing you do or don’t do will ever change that and I hope you’ll give us the chance to prove it to you someday.”
Shane was feeling raw and confused and not even Savannah’s fingers stroking over his could ease the restlessness that hummed through him. “We need to go,” he muttered and then politely kissed his mother on her cheek, ignoring the dampness there and the longing in her eyes.
“Of course,” she said. “I’m just going to sit here for a little bit,” she said as she took a few steps back.
He nodded once and then he was walking away, nearly dragging Savannah behind him. He heard her mumble a quick goodbye to his mother, but he didn’t look back. She kept silent as he maintained the quick pace back to the car. He ripped open the passenger door for her and waited and then grunted as she grabbed his neck hard and pulled him down for a kiss. He let out all the anguish and torment he’d been feeling since the morning she’d left him out on her. She had started the kiss but he quickly took it over. But for every harsh stroke of his tongue or rough nip from his teeth, she countered with softness. When his fingers bit into her hips, she skimmed his biceps, caressed his neck, stroked his face. His anger and frustration waned and he gentled his hold on her as the kiss turned warm and seeking.
He wasn’t sure how many minutes they had stood there clinging to one another, but when he finally managed to pull back, she whispered, “You looked like you needed that.” Calm enveloped him and he nodded. “Can you drop me off at the bar? I need to talk to Logan.” He was still too wrung out to trust himself to speak so he nodded again and helped her into the car.
***
The little bell on the door jingled as she opened it and a rough, hoarse voice shouted, “We’re closed!” The bar was nearly pitch black so it took her a minute to acclimate her eyes. She’d only been in the place a few times, but she guessed his voice had come from behind the huge wood bar. There was a little bit of light from the cabinets that usually held endless rows of various types of liquor, but there were no bottles anywhere in sight today. The place was a mess. Glass all over the floor, tables overturned, trash on the floor. Gabe had told her the bar had been vandalized when Sam ditched it, but she hadn’t really comprehended what that meant. Her heart ached for Logan, knowing all the work he’d put into this place.
She found him sitting on the floor behind the bar, his legs drawn up, a half empty bottle at his side. Ironically, as a bar owner, Logan rarely drank, so to see him like this was difficult. He looked up at her with slightly bleary eyes but he was cognizant of her presence. “Don’t sit,” he said as he motioned to the floor. “There’s glass everywhere.” She didn’t bother to mention he was probably sitting on glass himself. Instead, she grabbed a nearby chair and pulled it over.
She sat and drew her knees up to her chin and just watched him. “You shouldn’t be here,” he finally said. She had guessed correctly – he wasn’t drunk, but he was starting to feel the loose tongue that just a little too much alcohol always seemed to bless people with. His buzz might actually help her get through his thick head.
“Why not?”
“Because you hate it here.”
“I don’t hate this place,” she mused as she looked around.
“I do.”
“No you don’t,” she countered.
“It took you from me,” he said and she felt her insides clench.
“This place didn’t do that. I did that.” He shook his head viciously. “I took your friends too,” she said.
“No! They’re the ones that lied,” he said.
“Because I asked them to.”
“No!” he said again.
“They had to choose between us Logan because I put them in that position. They knew you were stronger than me – that you’d find a way to deal with their betrayal.” She glanced down at her arm which she had finally stopped hiding with long-sleeved clothing. “They were worried about what I might do to myself if they told you the truth about the rape and the cutting.”
He pressed his fists against his head as he considered her words. “Why didn’t you just come to me in the first place? I would have protected you. I wouldn’t have let anyone take you from me.”
“I couldn’t risk losing you too, Logan.” Tears stuck in her throat and
she swallowed hard. “I should have had more faith in you, but you’d already given up so much for me. I didn’t want to take your dream too.”
“I’m going to kill him,” he whispered coldly, his buzz seeming to fade.
“I need you in my life Logan. I need my brother back.” He sighed and fell silent. It was like he knew what was coming, but she said it anyway. “I need Shane too,” she said quietly, firmly.
“Savannah, you know what he is,” she began.
“You mean what you are?” Logan looked up at her then and his expression went blank when he figured out that she knew the truth about him. “I’m not judging you Logan. I think I know why you did it, but the truth is, it doesn’t matter to me. I love you.”
“He’s messed up, Savannah. I mean, really messed up,” Logan said. “I don’t know exactly what’s going on with him, but he’s changed since you left.”
“I know that, but we don’t get to pick who we fall in love with.” Logan sighed at her admission. “He wouldn’t give up on me, Logan. He was willing to give up his friendship with you to give me what I needed.”
Savannah shifted in her seat. “Did you ever think that maybe he only shows you what you want to see?” At Logan’s thoughtful silence, she continued. “His life is about conforming – being who the person he’s with needs him to be. You see him as what? A guy who likes to fuck for money? A spoiled, rich kid who’s had his whole life handed to him on a silver platter while you’ve had to work for everything you’ve got? Happy go lucky asshole without a care in the world? Shameless flirt? Whore?”
“Stop it!” Logan said, but he didn’t deny it and she saw the color in his face drain.
“You pretend to be someone you’re not for what, a couple hours a month? He has to do it every day, even with the friends he thinks of as family.” She leaned back in her chair. “And he’s so afraid you guys will reject him if you find out who he really is that he’d rather push you away first.” She fell silent and watched her brother process her words. When he finally leaned his head back against the bar, there were tears in his eyes and she realized she had managed to get through that thick head of his after all.
Chapter 16
Shane hurried through the sliding doors of the hospital and scanned the signs for the patient room numbers. He checked the text from Savannah again to confirm the room number and then rushed up the stairs. He hadn’t heard from her since he’d dropped her off at her brother’s bar. He’d watched her until he was sure she was safe inside and then he’d started driving. Between his mother’s confession this morning and Savannah showing up, he was a jumbled mess. Everybody kept fucking with what he expected. Gabe and Riley refused to let him go even after he unleashed his cruelty on them, his mother had actually begged him to forgive her after he’d dumped all his shit on her and Savannah came back to him every time he needed her and pulled him back from the brink.
The text had come twenty minutes ago, but he hadn’t seen it right away. When he finally did check his phone, his heart had caught in his throat at the message.
They found Gabe’s Mom. It’s bad.
A couple of minutes later she’d sent him the room number. He ached for Gabe, especially now that he knew how depraved Abby had become as a result of her addiction. He remembered her before the drugs too – she’d been fun and loving, a soccer mom type who adored her only son. She and Gabe had been a team and Shane had actually found himself envious of their relationship at times. But a handful of pills had changed all that and she had become a monster who destroyed everything in her path.
When he finally reached the room, he came to a crushing stop at the sight before him. Gabe stood by the head of the bed, Riley clutching his hand in both of hers. Logan and Savannah were on the side closer to where he stood in the doorway. But it was the woman in the bed that caused a shudder to do a slow crawl through his body. He hadn’t seen her in years, but it didn’t matter because he recognized nothing in the shell of a body lying under the white sheet. Tubes stuck out of her arms and another was down her throat, a machine nearby clearly pumping oxygen into her. She looked like a skeleton, her joints sticking out sharply against the material of her hospital gown. Her skin was gray in pallor, her closed eyes sunken into her head. Thin brown hair hung in clumps around her face. There were track marks up and down both her arms and between her fingers. Even her neck had several fresh lesions where she’d clearly used her jugular as an entry point for the heroin that had stolen her life.
He felt Savannah’s hand close over his and he forced his gaze away from the horror in front of him. Gabe nodded at him briefly in silent greeting and he could tell that his friend was torn between hating the woman his mother had become and loving the one she’d once been.
Shane felt a doctor brush past him and he moved back out of the way as a nurse followed. The nurse handed Gabe a clipboard and he heard the doctor’s gentle voice say, “After I turn off the ventilator, it will take a couple of minutes for her heart to slow and then it will stop completely. She won’t feel any pain. You can hold her hand if you want to.”
Bile rose in Shane’s throat as he realized what he was witnessing. He watched Gabe sign the paperwork. The nurse placed two chairs next to the bed for Riley and Gabe and then he felt Savannah tugging his hand as she pulled him out of the room, Logan right behind them. His last glimpse before the door closed was of Gabe reaching out to take his mother’s hand as the doctor switched a button on the breathing machine and then there was only the sound of the heart monitor as it tracked the last minutes of Abby Maddox’s life.
***
Savannah’s worry increased as she watched Shane’s agitation grow as he paced the small waiting room. She’d wanted to warn him about Abby’s condition before he arrived, but there hadn’t been enough time. She and Logan had spent most of the day cleaning up the bar after their talk. It had been nice to work alongside her brother, but he’d been distant and lost in thought. Not that she could blame him – she’d dumped a lot on him in the last few days. But it felt like they had a new place to start from and she was hopeful that he would find a way to start trusting those closest to him again. And she hoped he would start with Shane because choosing between them would be impossible. Somewhere along the way she had already decided she wouldn’t let Shane walk away from her. Now she just had to convince him of that.
Several minutes had passed since they left Gabe and Riley and Shane showed no signs of awareness to her or Logan’s presence. He was pale and his hands shook as he clenched and unclenched them. He looked like how she always felt when the urge to hurt herself overtook her. She finally got up and stood in his path. She was glad that he stopped before mowing her over – it meant that part of him was still there with them.
“Are you okay?” she asked. She was surprised when he shook his head almost violently.
“I can’t do this,” he said softly. “I’m sorry.”
A chill went through her at the resignation in his voice. “Shane,” she began but he grabbed her by the upper arms, his grip almost painful. She saw Logan rise out of his chair but he didn’t intervene.
Shane pulled her into his arms and she felt his rapid breath on her neck as he clutched her almost desperately. He didn’t kiss or caress her, just held on to her. His body was cold and she felt a tremor go through him. “Shane-” she said as panic seeped into her.
“I love you Savannah,” he whispered against her ear. “I love you so much,” he said in an agonized voice and then, just like that, he released her and left the room. She was so stunned by what he had said and the finality with which he had said it that it took her several precious moments to realize he was gone. She felt Logan’s presence behind her, but she ignored the comforting hand he placed on her shoulder. Rushing to the waiting room door, she swung it open and searched the hallway but Shane was already gone.
She snatched her phone from her purse and dialed, but he didn’t answer. She was about to tell Logan she was going after Shane, but then the doo
r across the waiting room opened and a shaky looking Riley and pale Gabe stepped out, hands tightly intertwined. As much as she wanted to leave, her friends needed her too. So she closed the distance between her and the couple and wrapped her arms around them both. She felt Logan’s arms there as well and then the tears began to fall.
***
By the time Savannah convinced the landlord that she was Shane’s fiancé and had gotten locked out of their apartment, a full hour had passed since he’d left her standing in the hospital waiting room. She called and texted dozens of times, pleading with him to call her back, but there’d been nothing but silence. The words she had longed to hear scared the hell out of her now because of how he’d said them…final, permanent. Like he was leaving and didn’t expect to be coming back.
She stayed by Gabe and Riley’s side for as long as she could, but her instincts told her that she needed to get to Shane so she’d excused herself to go to the bathroom and left the hospital. She’d lucked out that Logan had given her the keys to his car to keep in her purse and she didn’t feel even an ounce of guilt for taking it. As soon as she was safely out of the parking lot, she called her brother and told him where she was going. He had ordered her back to the safety of the hospital, but she’d hung up on him. When he called the second time and instantly started yelling at her, she hung up on him again. By the third call, he was noticeably calmer and nicely asked her to call him when she was at Shane’s.
Savannah’s fingers shook as she put the key in the lock and turned. She sighed in relief when the door didn’t catch – she had worried that he might have secured the door further by using the chain above the lock. His apartment was dark and cold and eerily silent. If she hadn’t seen his car out front, she would have guessed he wasn’t home. She locked the door behind her and rushed up the stairs, her feet sounding heavy on the wood stairs.
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