Your Little Secret

by Cooper, Bethan

  “It was only last week,” she muttered miserably and kept her eyes firmly fixed on the TV. “Why do people make themselves so publicly ready for a hanging? I hate arguing in public let alone airing it to the country. Private lives should be kept exactly that – private. I mean really who wants to know this?”

  “Us?” he asked grinning at her for his comment. “Come on,” Ethan chuckled putting his hand out to the TV that showed a toothless cretin shouting the odds that the adorable girl on the screen behind him wasn’t his. “You’ve got to be a special breed to be on Jeremy Kyle.”

  And just like that, Amber forgot about her woes and just burst out laughing. Pushing up and off of him she looked at him, “Remember my cousin’s been on there. You’re insulting my family.”

  “If I remember rightly she’s a distant cousin and, to be fair, she had slept with multiple men before getting up the duff,” Ethan stated facts earning him a smack in the face with one of the cushions. “Hey! I’ll make you pay for that one, Watson!” He yelped and reacted by pulling her under him, pinning her to the couch cushions. The moment he realised what he had done he felt the fever pitch ignite him. Their eyes staring at one another, their bodies radiating heat, their breathing matched with each new exhale. The temptation began to rumble up from within him. Did he go in for the kiss, or did he behave? Did he respect that his girl was taken for, or go in for the kill?

  Before anymore unbidden thoughts could enter his mind she giggled profusely under him.

  "What?" he asked humour dancing in his eyes.

  "I am very weak in this position Ethan," she protested and began to blow on his face.

  "Stop," he warned her and she giggled some more. He leant down to her ear and inhaled her as much as he could.

  "Maybe I like you in this position," he whispered in her ear. She immediately stared back into his blue eyes, curious to why she just shuddered beneath him. This feeling overtook her, not purposely, but she couldn't deny the urge to kiss her best friend.

  "Let me go," she whispered and he released her hands and she jumped to her feet. She ran upstairs and he heard the door to her bedroom slam. She couldn't help the overwhelming feeling towards Ethan, a feeling she had never experienced, especially just with him.

  She jumped onto her bed and told herself over and over that this was because Connor was gone, and she needed to feel comforted. That comfort was not with Ethan, not with her best friend of over ten years. Yeah, he might be a walking Hollister model, but she couldn't ever go there. The tears were hot and heavy in her eyes and she dashed them away with the sleeve of her top and sniffed loudly. A light knock on the door distracted her and she leapt to her feet. Ethan opened the door slightly and sighed against the cold white wood.

  "Can I come in?" he asked and pushed the door further open. The girl in front of him was broken. Her blue eyes scanned his, and she ran towards him. He lifted her in his arms and she sobbed harshly into his shoulder.

  "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Ethan,” she whispered over and over as he cooed her to calm down.

  "It's okay, Ambi. I promise, everything will be okay," he closed his eyes and placed his palm over the back of her head, his fingers spread through her hair. He held her close, and gave her the comfort she wanted, that she needed. She let him hold her tight and lead her over to her bed. He sat back and had her holding him on his lap, her knees bent at his hips.

  "I just miss him so much Ethan," she whispered against his ear and he felt so sad for her, so helpless toward her shivering body.

  "He will come home for you. I promise, he'd be stupid not to." She pulled away from him gently, and he wiped her tears away with his hoody sleeve. "Now stop crying and let's go see a shit movie and eat some cheap popcorn that does, in fact cost more than the damn movie!" she burst out laughing and nodded her head vigorously.

  "Your car or mine?" she asked, with an unknown smile warming her blood.

  "Stupid question huh?" he teased, as he knew she loved his car.

  "Yours I think." she stuck her hand into his jean pocket and he couldn't stop the arousal as she dug around for his car keys.

  Chapter Three

  Amber sat at the laptop, casually glancing to the clock. He said he’d be here, her thoughts snarled up at her. She had been waiting ten minutes already for Connor to log on.

  The moment his face filled the page she felt the familiar rush of heat as the mere sight of him began to turn her on. Damn him and his good looks! She opted for a smile knowing that sexual frustrations were going to become a close friend with her.

  “Hey, Beautiful,” he literally purred at her, eliciting the smile he loved so much. “It’s been a week without seeing you and I have to admit you are a sight to die for.”

  She giggled, feeling a blush creeping onto the pigments of her face, “You’re not too bad yourself.” She then sighed heavily as she just watched him, “I’ve been missing you like crazy.”

  “Same, babe. But it’s been all systems go since I got here. I’m hoping now the first working week is over, I can get cut some slack and just spend more time speaking to you. It’s been hell not hearing you and knowing that I must sound like such a bastard barely talking to you and rushing you off the phone.”

  “It’s fine,” she waved off the apology and tried to remain neutral. She didn’t want him to know how upset she actually was with the continual five line chats before something happened and he had to put the phone down.

  “It’s not,” he stated back sharply, his tone cut and taunt. “I know you, Amber. I know how that pretty little mind works and I know that my distance is killing you. I do. It kills me to know what I’m doing to you.”

  “You’re not doing it on purpose,” she crooned at him, a little harsher than she had intended.

  He ran a hand over his forehead and looked at the camera so his eyes were literally staring at her through the laptop, “I feel like I am. I decided to take this project, I decided to leave you for five months, and all I seem to be doing is hurting you.”

  “You’re making this sound like a break up,” Amber quickly accused him, tears beginning to make their appearance along her long lashes. “Don’t you dare do that to me.”

  “I’m not!” he quickly exclaimed to her, “I’m not, babe.” He shook his head, more at himself than her. “I hate that I have you thinking I’m going to break up with you. It’s not that. It’s just I hate the fact that I have to leave you behind and plot carefully when I’m going to see you. That isn’t fair.”

  “Love isn’t fair,” she spoke back lightly, her fingers playing with her hair in a nervous act. “This isn’t easy, but love isn’t supposed to be and I have every bit of faith that we are only going to be stronger when we are finally reunited. Just imagine that day,” she optimised dreamily, her thoughts swirling with their reunion. “Think how amazing it will feel to know that we’ll be together again for good. For now we’ll have to put up with the weekend meetings and Skype chats.”

  Connor looked at her, really looked at her and saw how much she believed this would work, “Well we are now down to nineteen weeks.” He grinned at her, “Plus, you might have text me yesterday about you planning a trip down here next week or the week after. What do you have planned?

  Amber just gave him a wickedly seductive look, and bit hard on her lip.

  "You'll have to wait and see, baby." She watched him as he turned lightly and shooed someone away. What the-?

  "I thought you had your own flat in London, babe?" Amber asked with curiosity, her paranoia strengthening.

  He looked everywhere but at her and nodded his head. "I do, baby. That was a friend from work, we're having dinner together."

  She couldn't help but sit back as the stab of jealousy ran through her veins. "I wish I was having dinner with you," Amber whispered and wiped the silly tears away from her eyes.

  "Hey, no crying," he commanded at her through the screen. "I just wanna hold you in my arms. My beautiful, Amber." He dipped his head and hel
d it in his hands. "This is hard for me too, Amb, I miss you so much." His hands rubbed his face and he ran his hands through his hair. "Listen, babe, my dinner’s here. I'll text you goodnight okay?"

  Amber held her neck and nodded gently. All she wanted was to run her fingers through his hair and pull his mouth to hers.

  Connor sighed, "We'll Skype in a week again babe, okay?"

  "You're leaving me again? I'm fed up of this already, Con." She tied her hair up into a ponytail in frustration, her makeup and hair a waste of time. She spent most of the afternoon preparing to see him through Skype.

  "Baby, please. I'll text you later okay?" Connor tried to soften the blow of their current situation.

  To avoid any argument with him she nodded her head in approval and ended the Skype call in anger. Her mobile vibrated beside her and Connors name flashed across it.

  "Fuck off," she muttered under her breath, but relented and swiped the screen of her phone to answer the call.

  "I thought dinner was waiting, Connor?" she said in frustration pacing her bedroom.

  "Amber please you're being ridiculous. I'm sorry it couldn't last longer, but please, baby, I'm still me and just think of seeing me soon, I'll be there for you, angel, you'll be back in my arms." He sighed through the phone. "I'll be able to kiss my girl again."

  She held in the tears and wandered downstairs and searched for a bottle of wine. "Okay, go have fun. I miss you."

  "I miss you too, baby. Have a good night. I love you so much."

  She clenched her eyes shut at his words and let out a shuddered breath. "I love you, Connor. Be good, baby." She ended the call and pulled out a wine glass from her cupboard. Unscrewing the cap of the wine bottle she let the tinted liquid fill the glass quickly.

  The moment the wine hit her taste buds she swallowed the large gulp before taking another. He had someone with him. Someone he didn’t want her to see. How was she was supposed to react? He barely had time for her, barely spoke to her, and now rushed her off after shooing someone away from the camera. What was she supposed to think?

  Grabbing the closest surface, Amber steadied herself. Her knuckles began to whiten under the tight grip and she tried to stop the throb in her chest from getting worse. She tried to forbid her tears from doing more than stinging the back of her eyes, but it was no good. The vile thoughts were killing her. Sinking into the nearest seat in the kitchen, she finished the glass of wine before pouring herself another, chugging it down in a similar fashion. Slowly but surely the drunken haze began to cloud her judgement as the bottle slowly began to empty, and she lavished the feeling as numbness took her over and Connor was all she could see.

  “Connor rang me,” Ethan’s voice suddenly broke through the fog in her mind as he came into the kitchen to find her sitting with her head in her hands. He swiped the bottle away and poured it down the sink. “You’re not answering your phone to him or me. He was worried.”

  “Course he did,” she scoffed and shook her head, not even looking at Ethan. “I’m such a fool. Eth, he’s got someone with him.” She looked down at the grains of wood on the table top and just let the tears fall, “That’s why he left for London. It’s because he has someone else.”

  “That someone else is a male colleague called George, babe,” Ethan told her as he sat down with her at the table. “They have to make a presentation. I even spoke to him because even I was a bit suspicious.”

  “Why wouldn’t he let him come into view?” Amber asked, still feeling the doubt biting at her feet, not ready to be diminished.

  “I can’t answer that. If it were me I wouldn’t want to share my time with you with anyone else,” Ethan shrugged nonchalantly. “Can I get you to bed?” Ethan asked her and she looked at him, his eyes filled with worried emotion, “I think it’s best you get a nap and I’ll go and get stuff for our infamous stir fry.”

  The thought made Amber smile, remembering how they used to cook together whilst at University, switching between flat’s to do so. With that she pushed the rest of the wine away and stood up, not realising how much the alcohol had affected her.

  Ethan caught her and steadied her before he led her out of the kitchen and up the stairs, all but one creaking under their feet. He said nothing, but concentrated on getting her into bed so he could run to Asda to do a quick shop. The moment he had her near the bed, her intoxicated body sat heavily onto the mattress and he looked at her as she sat staring at him, biting on her delectably plump lip. As he realised his jeans were getting tighter, he also realised she was reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck.

  “You are one of the most amazing men in my life,” she spoke to him, her words a little slurred on the edges. Amber pulled him towards her in a weakened embrace, “I’d be so lost without you,” she spoke and then reached up a little, bringing her lips to his, allowing insanity to rule and made an even bigger shambles of her messed up emotions.

  “No,” he told her, pulling away from her grip, the alcohol thankfully numbing her enough to make her weaker. “You’re going to sleep. I won’t let you make a mistake.”

  “Not a mistake if I want it,” she told him, trying to win him over for good.

  “You’re drunk,” he stated facts and pushed her gently down to the bed, covering her body and then walking away from her. The moment he was in the hallway, with the door left ajar, he pushed his back to the wall and put his hands on his head and exhaled. Shit.

  Amber leant back against the soft white pillows and felt lifeless as the alcohol flowed through her bloodstream. Leaning over to her Ipod dock, she switched it on and 'Kings of Leon, Closer' echoed around the room and she closed her eyes to fall into the lyrics. Pulling her duvet up over her head she sat in her own little cocoon.

  Why? Why would it hurt this bad? He was meant to love her, she let him move into her crappy little home, she let him buy her ridiculous gifts and even take her on holiday that one time. Memories flooded her mind of how this could be the end of it for them. She couldn't understand why phone calls were a five second thing, why their first ever Skype chat ended with such an abrupt end.

  Rubbing her fingers against one another, she tried to recall what just happened with Ethan. She had always found him attractive, beautiful even. But with her and Ethan, it was never meant to be. She did try, once during University, but he was in a steady relationship and all her feelings for him were buried deep when he rejected her.

  Yet now, he seemed to feel for her, which was obvious, even to her.

  Calvin Harris started to dance around the room, bouncing off the four stained walls of her bedroom and she removed herself from her cocoon. Forgetting everything, she ran over to her wardrobe and pulled out a party dress, a fitted one that Connor hated her wearing in public.

  Checking her phone it was only nine thirty in the evening, enough time to get into Leeds and force Ethan to dance the night away with her. As the dance beat kicked in, she moved her hips to the rhythm and shook her hair from side to side.

  She grabbed her iPhone and unlocked it. Dialling Lucy's number seemed harder than usual. "LUCY!" she shouted over her speakers, "SORRY ONE SECOND," turning down 'Let's Go' she laughed into the phone.

  "Jesus, what the Hell, Amber?" Lucy asked clear frustration in her voice.

  "Wanna go out?" Amber asked a smile across her face. It'd been such a long time since she last let her hair down.

  "I'm out girl! I missed you!"

  "Are you in Leeds?" Amber asked pulling on her best heels.

  "Hell yeah! Heading to Evolution! Hurry up and get your sexy ass down here!" Lucy ended the call and Amber stumbled around the room looking for her accessories.

  "I'm back!" Ethan shouted and she couldn’t help but smile at his voice.

  "We're going out!" she ran to the top of the stairs and leaned over the banister her heavy body leaning over a little too far.

  "Are we now? And what do I do with all this food I just bought? I even got us a DVD," he stated, trying to hold the note of disappo
intment for his efforts. He walked to the bottom of the stairs to stare up, finding her still leaning over the banister.

  "Rain check? We can cook it tomorrow," Amber asked a sweet smile relishing her features.

  "How can I say no to you?" he muttered, as he drew in her outfit. He couldn't stand her being in that dress, it was too short, barley reached her knees, and her cleavage was bouncing above the seam of her neckline.

  "Do I look okay?" she asked, doing a small twirl for him at the top of the stairs.

  "Always," he replied, wondering if she already forgot trying to kiss him. "Hey, Ambi?"

  "Yeah?" she asked turning back to fall into his shadowed blue eyes.

  "Everything will be okay, I promise." She nodded in agreement, but swallowed back the sob at the back of her throat and closed her eyes briefly. Taking in a shallow breath she turned back to Ethan, a happy smile across her lips and leapt down the stairs. She felt sexy, something she never really felt anymore. "Ready?"

  Ethan agreed and found himself pulled from the house. He knew this was Amber’s way of surviving even if it was getting a little reckless, but for today he’d allow it. It wasn’t as if they had work in the morning, she could have a horrible hangover and he would hope that after tonight she would be snapping out of it. However, the way her face lit up when she hit the club he couldn’t do that to her. For the first time since Connor’s departure, Amber looked most at ease. He wasn’t going to ruin that.

  ***

  “Lucy!” Amber literally cried out excitedly as she found her friend dancing around, drink in hand. Immediately the pair embraced, “Whose round?”

  “I believe it’s yours,” Lucy quipped and shot her best friend a wink before checking her outfit out. “Oh I see, your man flees the city and you bust out the dress he frowned upon.”

  “I’m, erm,” she broke off for a moment, looked to Ethan and gulped, “Rebelling?”

  “From?” Lucy asked teasingly before waving it off. “I don’t care what you’re doing, honey, you look hot!” She then grabbed Amber and pulled her to the bar, “Jaeger bombs are in order to start off tonight.”