You haven’t got a clue, have you?
And another thing: you think you can suavely meet a bunch of strangers INCLUDING the boy who thinks he likes you (without ever having even spoken to you) and manage to KEEP him liking you?
Do you have some kind of a DEGREE in stupidity, girl? If not, we’d like to offer you an honorary one right now!
Yours,
The Association of Teenagers
Elizabeth,
Uh. We agree.
Yours etc,
COLD HARD TRUTH ASSOCIATION
To: ELIZABETH CLARRY
From: HER MUM
Re: WHY DO I HAVE TO FILL THIS FORM IN ANYWAY?
No. Pages:
DEAREST ELIZABETH,
HERE IS THE FAX THAT I PROMISED, TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I ARRIVED SAFELY AT ‘SHORT RETREATS FROM THE RIOTS OF YOUR LIFE’ AND FRIDAY AFTERNOON HAS PASSED WITHOUT ANYONE TRICKING ME INTO JOINING A RELIGIOUS CULT.
HOW PECULIAR TO WRITE A FAX TO YOU! YOU’LL HAVE TO STICK IT TO THE FRIDGE WITH A MAGNET BEFORE YOU READ IT, OTHERWISE YOU WILL BE CONFUSED.
IT’S FABULOUS HERE AND I AM SURE THAT I WILL RETURN TO THE RIOTS OF MY LIFE VERY SERENE. YOU WILL NOT RECOGNISE ME AND MAY HAVE TO SHAKE ME TO GET THE CALM, BEMUSED EXPRESSION OFF MY FACE.
INDOOR ACTIVITIES INCLUDE BUBBLY SPA BATHS, MASSAGES, MANICURES AND 24-HOUR JIMMY STEWART MOVIES, BECAUSE ALL OF THESE THINGS ARE SOOTHING.
OUTDOOR ACTIVITIES INCLUDE MUCKING OUT HORSE STABLES (SYMBOLICALLY CLEANSES YOUR LIFE OF CLUTTER) AND BOTTLE-FEEDING LAMBS (REKINDLES YOUR NURTURING SELF).
LUCKILY, I LIKE MY LIFE CLUTTERED AND I DON’T HAVE MUCH CALL FOR MY NURTURING SELF, SO I’VE BEEN ABLE TO FOCUS ALL MY ATTENTION ON INDOOR ACTIVITIES.
IN BETWEEN ACTIVITIES WE HAVE GROUP DISCUSSIONS AND WE ALL TELL THE STORIES OF THE RIOTS OF OUR LIVES. EVERYONE WAS VERY EXCITED BY THE STORY ABOUT YOUR FATHER AND RICKY-THE-SECRET-SON BECAUSE IT WAS MORE SCANDALOUS THAN MOST.
THE TEAM LEADER OFFERS EXPLANATIONS FOR WHY THE RIOTS OF OUR LIFE ARE GETTING US DOWN. IT TURNS OUT THAT THE REASON I REACTED BADLY TO RICKY WAS THAT I HAVE SUBCONSCIOUS INCEST-RELATED ANXIETIES AND I FOUND HIM DISTURBINGLY ATTRACTIVE.
THIS IS RUBBISH OF COURSE, BUT VERY FUNNY AND I NOW FEEL MUCH BETTER.
ONE VERY EXCELLENT THING ABOUT THIS PLACE IS THAT THEY ARE GOING TO GIVE US CHOCOLATE AND PORT EVENINGS EACH NIGHT OF THE WEEKEND, BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT THAT CHOCOLATE AND PORT ARE VERY INSIGHT-INSPIRING. I’M PLANNING TO HAVE LOTS OF DRUNKEN INSIGHTS AS SOON AS I FINISH THIS FAX, WHICH IS LOVELY. (ELIZABETH, YOU DON’T THINK I’VE BEEN NEGLECTING YOU AS A MOTHER, DO YOU? I JUST HAD AN INSIGHT THAT MY LACK OF INTEREST IN BOTTLE-FEEDING LAMBS MIGHT SUGGEST THAT I AM LETTING YOU DOWN. AM I?)
YOU WOULD BE PROUD OF ME BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN A PARTICULARLY ACTIVE MEMBER OF THE GROUP. THIS AFTERNOON I STARTED MY OWN REBEL DISCUSSION GROUP FOR PEOPLE WHO DON’T FEEL LIKE DISCUSSING THE RIOTS OF THEIR LIFE ANY MORE. IN MY GROUP, WE TALKED ABOUT ISSUES LIKE KNEE-LENGTH SOCKS COVERED IN TINY AUSTRALIAN FLAGS AND WHAT MIGHT BE GOOD ABOUT THEM. BRAINSTORMING SEEMS TO BE VERY GOOD THERAPY FOR THE WOMEN.
THE ADDED BONUS IS THAT I’M USING THE WEEKEND PRODUCTIVELY TO CATCH UP WITH MY WORK. THIS FAX MACHINE IS HANDY AND THESE ARE VERY IMAGINATIVE WOMEN.
SEND ME A FAX BACK TO THE NUMBER ON THE LETTER HEAD, AND TELL ME HOW YOUR PARTY GOES ON SATURDAY. GOOD LUCKY AND GOOD LUCK WITH THE ANONYMOUS BOY FROM THE BUS IN PARTICULAR (YOU ARE A VERY GOOD GIRL FOR TELLING ME ABOUT THAT. IT IS THE KIND OF THING A GIRL SHOULD TELL HER MOTHER.) I’M SURE HE WILL ADORE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, AND I AM DYING TO FIND OUT WHICH ONE IT IS. OKAY?
LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE
YOUR
MUM
To: Mrs Clarry, c/ Short Retreats from the Riots of Your Life
From: Elizabeth Clarry
Re: You should always complete forms, Mum
No. Pages: 5
Dear Mum,
It turns out that I’m a FABULOUS cook and Christina asked why and I had to say it was because of you. You neglected me so much that I had to learn to fend for myself. So next time you have an insight about being a neglectful mother, have another insight that in FACT neglect has been very useful for me.
Anyway, it was very nice of you to take a break from massages and manicures to write to your neglected daughter. So you can’t be that bad.
How does the camp leader feel about your rebel discussion groups? And do the women know that you’re faxing their ideas back to an advertising agency? Because I think there might be some professional/ethical issues to deal with, no?
I had the party last night and it was fantastic. I mean a proper party success. I made genuine hours d’oeuvres because I found recipes in your book (you meant me to use the housekeeping money for smoked salmon and caviar, didn’t you?), and we all drank some of your Bacardi with Coke, then we danced, and then we watched three horror movies. And everyone slept in the living room in sleeping bags and told ghost stories.
The Anonymous boy came and I’m not going to tell you which one he was until you get back, and that will be a way of making sure you actually come back. I’ll just tell you tins: he was very cool and especially talented at ghost stories. I think he might be a genius or something. He also knows magic tricks – and when he does them his fingers move as if they were flickering flames. He did some card tricks which had something to do with match sticks and which were very very funny. I don’t know why they were so funny. Maybe because we were pretty tired by then.
Celia and Saxon got on incredibly well with Maddie and her boyfriend. The four of them discovered this shared dream about one day going to New York and becoming world-famous. I think our shared dream about going to New York and drinking cafe lattes is a lot better and more sophisticated but I politely didn’t tell them about that. They stayed up talking on the back verandah way after the rest of us had fallen asleep, making their New York plans. So THAT’S good – maybe it’s given Celia a reason to snap out of it and keep on living.
Now I have to tell you something extraordinary. Which I’ve put off this far but I don’t have enough self-discipline to put off any longer.
The extraordinary thing has to do with the party, okay? And it has relevance to YOU. Maybe you want to discuss it in one of your therapy sessions?
Before I tell you the extraordinary thing, you should try and guess. I’ll give you some clues.
1. Christina’s cousin Maddie lives in Double Bay.
2. Maddie’s boyfriend lives in Double Bay too.
3. The boyfriend is Canadian.
4. Dad lives in Double Bay.
Okay, have you worked it out yet?
Guess who Maddie’s boyfriend is?
I bet you guessed it, because you’re a very smart mum.
It’s Ricky Clarry, my HALF-BROTHER.
Amazing, no? I know. It was very weird seeing him walk up the driveway, with this huge grin because he found it hysterical that it was the same place. We had a nice chat and I told him that we didn’t hate him because we knew it wasn’t his fault. He said all his life he had suspected that Dad was a bit of a putz, but he hadn’t known how much of a putz, but still, if it wasn’t for Dad being a putz, he wouldn’t exist, so he wasn’t sure how he should feel, exactly. I told him not to stress, so he said he wouldn’t, so it was all okay.
I was kind of glad that Maddie’s boyfriend turned out to be Ricky instead of another stranger because I was a bit scared about all the strangers. Although it was very weird to have him in the house and to keep thinking every now and then: My god, he’s actually a brother or something.
Anyway, I hope it’s not wrong of me to bring this up now – like you’re supposed to be retreating from the riots of life and here I am bringing them straight back to you. Not that I think your Team Leader’s very good at dealing with your Life Riots. Ricky’s cute but I don’t think that you’re subconsciously attracted to him. One thing I was thinking is that it makes perfect sense for you to be upset. It was bad enough Dad leaving us for another woman after I was b
orn; but to cheat on you while you were pregnant. I can’t really think of anything lower than that. And then to lie about it to you, and to lie about your reaction to his family for all these years. It’s like he’s never stopped cheating on you.
I hope you don’t mind me saying that. It’s just something I was thinking about, and I wanted you to know that I’m behind you. Let’s just say that if I had to choose between my mother and my father, I’d choose my mother like a shot. Okay?
Keep having fun at the camp and don’t take any notice of your neglectful mother insights or your Team Leader’s insights. Because they’re way wrong. And don’t worry, we didn’t wreck the house last night. They’re all still here except Anonymous Boy – he left in a taxi really early this morning before I’d woken up – and I just got up because I wanted to write to you, but I’m about to leave and go running, so they might wreck the house while I’m gone.
Sony about that.
See ya.
Love
from
your
daughter
Elizabeth
PS I just realised that I told you we drank your Bacardi. Do you want me to cross that bit out? Because you’re not supposed to tell your mother that you raided her alcohol cupboard, are you? Everyone was saying I should refill the bottle with water so you wouldn’t know, but I told them you’d be cool about it. Which is true, right?
To: ELIZABETH CLARRY
From: HER MUM
Re: ELIZABETH! YOU ARE WRONG! YOU MUST NEVER FILL IN FORMS! THAT WOULD MAKE YOU A CONFORMIST!
No. Pages:
ELIZABETH!!!
I AM FAXING YOU BACK RIGHT AWAY TO SAY THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR FAX WHICH WAS DELIVERED TO ME WITH MY BREAKFAST CROISSANTS. IT WAS NICE OF YOU TO WRITE, BUT IT WAS EXTREMELY CRUEL OF YOU N OT TO TELL ME WHICH BOY TURNED O UT TO BE ANONYMOUS BOY. YOU KNOW THAT I DO N OT LIKE SUSPENSE. FOR EXAMPLE, I ALWAYS READ THE LAST PAGE OF A DETECTIVE NOVEL BEFORE I BEGIN READING IT, AND USUALLY DON’T EVEN READ THE NOVEL ITSELF. YOU KNOW THAT PERFECTLY WELL.
BUT YOUR OTHER NEWS WAS EXTRAORDINARY. I THINK IT’S PROBABLY A VERY MEANINGFUL COINCIDENCE THAT YOUR NEW FRIEND CHRISTINA TURNED OUT TO BE CONNECTED TO RICKY CLARRY. IN SOME STRANGE WAY IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR NICE WORDS ABOUT ALL THAT TOO. I WOULD ALSO CHOOSE YOU BEFORE YOUR FATHER, LIKE A SHOT, SO WE ARE WELL SUITED FOR EACH OTHER.
AND I CAN’T WAIT TO MEET YOUR NEW FRIENDS. PLEASE TELL THEM N OT TO PUT WATER IN MY BACARDI.
I HAVE TO G O BECAUSE WE HAVE A BRAINSTORMING SESSION LINED UP.
SEE YOU SOON.
LOVE
YOUR MUM
Dear Elizabeth,
Just writing to confirm with you that the Anonymous Note-Writer has now been identified. We understand that the boy in question actually attended a party at your house last night? That while there he told ghost stories and did magic tricks?
In order that we can close our file could you please confirm that the boy was, in fact, Jared Henderson, alias Grunge boy?
All the best,
Society of Amateur Detectives
Dear Elizabeth,
Actually, before we close the file, can we just say this?
We suspect that, last night, when you stood at your front door and watched a car pull up, watched a passenger door open, watched a boy emerge – we suspect that right until that very moment, you believed that it was Quiet boy.
Intuitively, without any particular evidence, that’s what you thought isn’t it?
And you were surprised, weren’t you, to see that it was a tall boy, a lanky boy, whose knees came out of the car first and surprised you with their frayed black jeans? You were surprised to see the dark hair and the lean as he waved goodbye to his mother, and stood back from the car, and looked up at you with a wicked grin on his face?
One clue that might have given it away is this: Anonymous Boy must have had quick and magical fingers to get those notes into your bag without you noticing; Grunge boy must have had quick and magical fingers to slip his bus pass to his friend, that day. Remember, Elizabeth?
You disappoint us!
Nevertheless, it was a pleasure working with you, and we wish you all the best in future unsolved mysteries, and we are,
Yours truly,
Society of Amateur Detectives
Elizabeth,
Grunge boy is sexier than Quiet boy.
His clothes are sexily scruffy, his hair falls sexily into his eyes, his eyes are sexily dark.
He can play the drums, he is a poet, and he is a magician.
You may have been surprised that it was Grunge boy, Elizabeth, but secretly – you’re over the moon.
Aren’t you?
The Young Romance Society
Dear Elizabeth,
We’re all about to leave. Sony we can’t wait for you to get back from your run (I guess that’s where you are and I bet I’m right, because I know you better than anyone else). We tried to clean up a bit but we couldn’t get the salsa out of the carpet. I think Celia might have broken the vacuum cleaner too, and Ricky made it worse when he tried to fix it.
Everyone says they had the BEST time (and isn’t it WEIRD about Ricky being your BROTHER?) but I had an even better time.
I’m going to call Derek when I get home. Thanks for all your smart advice about that last night, and for finally helping me make a decision. Call me later today if you want.
Love,
Christina
Dear Elizabeth,
Very well. The party was a success – there was dancing and drinking and you stayed up until dawn. Well done.
And you liked him a lot, didn’t you? Grunge hoy – or Jared. But you were just TOO nervous to talk to him, weren’t you? You only talked to the whole group or to other members of the group. You couldn’t look him in the eye even when you HAD to talk to him, like to offer him chips and salsa, or to ask him to pass the remote control.
Perhaps he was too nervous to speak to you directly too – or perhaps he just did not like you – either way neither of you said more than three words to one another the entire night.
And either way you’re NEVER going to hear from him again. You know that, don’t you?
Excellent.
Yours sincerely,
The Association of Teenagers
Dear Elizabeth,
All right. We take that back.
The telephone just rang and we understand it was Jared phoning to ask you out tonight. And it’s only the day after the party too, which is actually quite remarkable.
You were perfectly friendly when you accepted (maybe too friendly?) and you didn’t sound ridiculously nervous.
We have doubts about how you’ll cope on the actual date, of course, but we believe we will pass you over to the Young Romance Society to deal with this.
With best wishes,
The Association of Teenagers
Dear Elizabeth,
No, we’re sorry but we can’t help.
We’re way too frightened. We can’t help with what you should wear or how you should act or ANYTHING.
You should try asking Christina.
Yours with regret,
The Young Romance Society
PS But let us know how it goes, won’t you?
Dear Christina,
I’ll send this when we get back to school, which will be too late to be any use, but I can’t think of an alternative.
I’m completely confused. Jared just asked me out tonight. For a start, I’m confused because I thought he must HATE me by now. I mean, I didn’t say a single word to him last night. And then he left early this morning so it was like proof: I messed up my chances.
Anyway, for whatever crazy reason, he must still like me – but if I was too scared to talk to him last night with other people around, I’ll be a wreck tonight. He’ll say one word and I’ll collapse into a coma on the floor.
And what should I wear? And what should I do with my hair? And what if �
�
Actually, wait a minute. This is ridiculous. I’m going to phone you.
Dear Elizabeth,
Well.
Welcome home.
Stand at the doorway and watch the car disappear down the drive; watch as its blinkers flash from the corner; listen as it turns and fades into the distance.
THAT was a success.
Look at yourself in the hallway mirror now – you DO look beautiful. The green in the earrings brings out the green in your eyes; the lipstick matches the crimson in your top.
Look at your hand as you clean your teeth, Elizabeth – look, you see that hand? You see how he held that hand, how he took that hand just as you left the theatre.
For three and a half minutes he held your hand. (After that, his mother was waving at you from the Exit door and drove you both home. But still.)
Close your eyes as you slip your nightie over your head, Elizabeth – remember how you talked right through the previews stopping just in time for the movie to start?
Remember how he apologised for all his anonymous notes, and how you made him promise never to apologise again, and how you made him smile by telling him you couldn’t have survived without those notes.
And remember how you both admitted you were too nervous to speak to each other at the party, but you had a great time anyway, just knowing the other was there?
We think he’s going to ask you out again.
Feeling sorry for Celia Page 17