Indeed, no wicked witch am I.
COLIN Pity her age.
MOTHER GOOSE Pray let me loose,
Don’t hurt poor harmless Mother Goose.
BEADLE (to COLIN) Out of the way, officious fool!
SQUIRE Go – take her to the ducking stool.
COLIN Shame, neighbours, shame!
SQUIRE Don’t list to him;
But try if she chance to sink or swim.
Mean time merrily march away,
Because this is my wedding day.
CHORUS Merrily, merrily march away,
And keep the squire’s wedding day.
While they sing the chorus COLIN rescues MOTHER GOOSE from the BEADLE and COUNTRYMEN, who makes her exit. She is seen to ascend as before.
The SQUIRE approaches his late wife’s tomb and strikes it with his whip. The tomb opens and her ghost appears, which MOTHER GOOSE has raised, clad in white satin and poppy ribbons, follows the SQUIRE, shakes her hands at him, and descends through a trap. The SQUIRE runs off terrified.
Meantime COLIN and COLINETTE are conversing with one another. They both exit.
SCENE SECOND
Mother Goose’s Retreat
The front of a thick wood, on one side an entrance, on the other thick foliage, &c; an OWL seated on branch, very prominent in the perspective; a clear blue sky with moon and stars, &c.
MOTHER GOOSE enters, and sings the following:
The grasshopper chirrups – listen, listen,
The cricket chimes in with the sound;
On water and windows the moonbeams glisten,
And dewdrops bespangle the ground.
Then haste from dog rose, briar and bell,
From dingle, brake, or daisied dell,
Collect each potent fairy spell
Our magic can produce.
To plague yon squire, and to aid
Young Colin to obtain the maid;
And when my orders are obeyed
You’ll laugh with Mother Goose.
CHORUS (from without) Ha, ha, ha! – ha, ha, ha!
We’ll laugh with Mother Goose.
MOTHER GOOSE Now softly see Aurora’s blush,
Bids cease your revels – hush, hush, hush!
MOTHER GOOSE waves her stick, when four SPRITES enter, they dance round her, and afterwards retire. The wood opens and presents MOTHER GOOSE’S HABITATION.
MOTHER GOOSE exits into her cottage. COLIN enters in a very desponding state. MOTHER GOOSE suddenly approaches to address him in these lines, with action appropriate:
MOTHER GOOSE Youth, why despair? The girl thou shalt obtain;
This present shall her guardian’s sanction gain.
The GOOSE appears
Nay doubt not, while she’s kindly used, she’ll lay
A golden egg on each succeeding day;
You served me – no reply – there lies your way.
MOTHER GOOSE exits. COLIN appears struck with surprise, feeds and makes much of the GOOSE, and on looking up his wonder is increased by the disappearance of her cottage. The scene during this period changes to her retreat as before. COLIN and GOOSE exit.
SCENE THIRD
A Hall in Avaro’s House
COLINETTE enters followed by AVARO, and soon after, COLIN. AVARO endeavours to turn him out, when COLIN shows him the golden egg. COLIN brings in the GOOSE and explains what wealth he may possess; avarice gets the better of AVARO’S promise to the SQUIRE. COLIN presents him with the golden egg, and he joins COLIN and COLINETTE’S hands, but presuming he shall gain all the gold at once by destroying the GOOSE, he draws his knife, and is preparing to murder it, which COLIN prevents.
SQUIRE enters; COLIN, fearful of losing his prize, consents rashly to the sacrifice of the bird. The GOOSE now makes her exit through a panel in the back scene, which turns around and presents MOTHER GOOSE, who seizes the egg, addresses AVARO as follows:
MOTHER GOOSE Thou avaricious, selfish ingrate elf,
Like other fools too cunning for thyself;
Thy ward shall still perplex you by her flight –
Lo! thus I change the lovers, motley white
(COLINETTE is changed to COLUMBINE and COLIN to HARLEQUIN)
Thou too shalt wander till this egg of gold,
Which in the sea I cast, you once again behold.
The Scene opens and discovers
SCENE FOURTH
The Sea
MOTHER GOOSE throws the golden egg into the sea. Scene changes back to Avaro’s Hall.
MOTHER GOOSE Stop, fool! Some recompense is yet thy due.
(to the SQUIRE) Take that (changes him to CLOWN)
(to AVARO) While thou shalt wear my livery too.
(changes him to PANTALOON)
Air
For slighted kindness take your due;
Yet mirth shall with your toils entwine;
Be Harlequin – while you pursue,
Not Colinette, but Columbine.
(gives HARLEQUIN the sword) This gift receive, amend what’s past,
And guard it better than the last;
Regain the egg, and happy be,
Till then, farewell! Remember me!
MOTHER GOOSE retires, and the comic business begins here.
[CLOWN and PANTALOON] endeavour to secure HARLEQUIN, who eludes their grasp, and leaps through the face of the clock, which immediately presents a SPORTSMAN with his gun cocked. The CLOWN opens the clock door, and a little HARLEQUIN appears as the pendulum, the CLOWN saying ‘Present! Fire!’ The SPORTSMAN lets off his piece, the CLOWN falls down, during which period COLUMBINE and HARLEQUIN, who had previously entered through the panel, escape.
After some tricks, the CLOWN runs off in pursuit, with PANTALOON on his back.
SCENE FIFTH
A Country Inn
In front of which is a signpost, ‘Chequers’, and on it a large puncheon,* with the word ‘Rum’; a garden seat is on one side of the door, &c.
Enter a RECRUITING PARTY. They beat up for RECRUITS and various characters enter, amongst which is the CLOWN, who runs off terrified at the drum. A drunken COBBLER is the only recruit gained, who with the RECRUITING PARTY enters the Inn.
HARLEQUIN and COLUMBINE enter, and go into the Inn; and soon after HARLEQUIN is seen at the window of it. PANTALOON and CLOWN enter, place themselves on each end of the garden seat. HARLEQUIN waves his sword – they are thrown against each other off the seat. They change situations, and the like again takes place.
The CLOWN knocks smartly at the door. The LANDLORD appears with a full jug; the CLOWN strikes him on the belly as he comes out, upon which he throws the contents of the jug in his face; a fracas ensues; they perceive HARLEQUIN at the window, and they exit into [the] house.
HARLEQUIN leaps from the window, smacks his sword, and the rum puncheon descends from the signpost, which he transforms into a fruit barrow, and a painted puncheon, with a Bacchus* astride, ascends in its place. The LANDLORD comes out of his house, and is struck with the change, but wishing for his puncheon again, HARLEQUIN changes the painted one into a rum puncheon as before. The LANDLORD exits.
[HARLEQUIN] now throws off his Harlequin’s dress, and appears as a complete St. Giles’s FRUIT GIRL. The CLOWN is seen at the window, and wants to buy fruit. HARLEQUIN beckons him down. The CLOWN obeys, and endeavours to steal the fruit. HARLEQUIN prepares to treat him roughly. PANTALOON enters from the Inn, and intercedes for him. The CLOWN is forgiven; PANTALOON pays him, and exits.
CLOWN makes love to [FRUIT GIRL]; a dance is proposed, then a mock opera by the CLOWN and HARLEQUIN; they both exit. The Scene changes.
SCENE SIXTH
Inside of the Inn
The LANDLORD enters, followed by SERVANTS, who place chairs and a covered table, and exit. HARLEQUIN and COLUMBINE now enter and seat themselves. They are surprised by the CLOWN, on whom HARLEQUIN plays tricks, and he runs off.
HARLEQUIN rings the bell. The LANDLORD enters. HARLEQUIN asks for concealment. HARLEQUIN, COLUMBINE
, and LANDLORD exeunt.
The CLOWN enters, followed by PANTALOON and the LANDLORD. The two latter seat themselves, and are thrown off their chairs. The CLOWN sits down at the table and drinks wine, and PANTALOON prepares to cut up a pie, when a live DUCK flies out of it, and walks forward on the stage, to the surprise of PANTALOON, &c., and the gratification of the CLOWN, who, with mimic attitude, follows it and seizes it, and runs off.
HARLEQUIN enters. PANTALOON runs to the door and shuts it. The CLOWN thrusts a chair at him, when HARLEQUIN leaps through some club rules.* PANTALOON runs out of the door after him, which the CLOWN locks. The CLOWN sits down to regale.† ARLEQUIN enters from the opposite door, waves his sword, and the magic table ascends. The CLOWN for some time perceives not his situation, and narrowly examines, walking underneath and around where it stood. He now looks up and sees the table, utters a shout of surprise, and quietly seats himself again, when the table descends and the CLOWN and chair go up. He halloes.
Instantly, PANTALOON is heard knocking at the door. The LANDLORD enters and opens it, when PANTALOON is struck with amusement at the CLOWN’S situation. The LANDLORD exits, and returns with a saw to cut him down, during which time the chair and CLOWN have descended. The CLOWN and LANDLORD seat themselves at the table, when it ascends gradually, and presents a first, a second, and a third tier of tables, covered with cloths, furnished exactly as the first, with two wax lights on each. The CLOWN and LANDLORD separate them, when PANTALOON, LANDLORD and CLOWN place themselves at the respective tables, the CLOWN in the centre, and all three tables in line with PANTALOON, CLOWN, and LANDLORD, who ascend together to the height of six or seven feet, when the CLOWN, forgetful of his own situation, is laughing at his neighbours’.
HARLEQUIN and COLUMBINE enter, when another table, to represent a small dining one, is brought on. HARLEQUIN touches it, and a complete supper appears on it, lit up with six candles, at which instant the candles on the other three tables disappear. HARLEQUIN and COLUMBINE enjoy the elevated situation of their exalted friends and exeunt.
SERVANTS now appear, are equally surprised, when a humorous scene ensues, by the CLOWN pelting them with plates, &c. The CLOWN, during this fracas, catches a cocked hat,‡ which has been thrown at him, puts it on, and appears the President Odd Fellow§ of the high though not exactly free and easy situation. Scene changes to
SCENE SEVENTH
View in a Market Town
A crowd of VILLAGERS enter, singing ‘Chorus of the Country Fair’.
CHORUS While pipes and tabors rend the air,
Neighbours, neighbours, haste to the fair.
MORRIS DANCERS now enter and exhibit. HARLEQUIN and COLUMBINE enter, pursued; they claim protection of the MORRIS DANCERS, which they accede to.
LANDLORD, PANTALOON, and the CLOWN enter, they hustle them, walk on their hands with their heads downwards, which concludes this scene. Scene changes to
SCENE EIGHTH
A Woodcutter’s Cottage
A SAILOR BOY comes forward and sings the following
Song
The sea was rough, the clouds were dark,
Far distant every joy,
When forc’d by fortune to embark,
I went a cabin boy.
My purse soon fill with foemen’s gold,
I hastened home with joy,
But wreck’d in sight of port, behold
A hapless cabin boy.
The BOY knocks at the cottage door, his MOTHER appears, and shortly after the WOODCUTTER, returning from labour, they exit into cottage.
HARLEQUIN and COLUMBINE enter, pursued, they knock at the door, WOODCUTTER comes out, they entreat concealment, and their wish is granted.
Shortly after, the [BAILIFF] and CONSTABLE come to distrain* the Woodcutter’s goods for rent. [WOODCUTTER and FAMILY] enter, they lament their hard fate, and HARLEQUIN condoles with them, finds he has no money about him, but suddenly recollecting his power, he changes a wheel that is seen on the stage to Fortune moving on her axis,† who disperses out her golden favours from her cornucopia, to the gratification and relief of the poor WOODCUTTER and FAMILY.
The CLOWN enters and as usual plunders from the Woodcutter’s WIFE. HARLEQUIN drives him off. HARLEQUIN and COLUMBINE exit. The WOODCUTTER, WIFE, and BOY exit. Change.
SCENE NINTH
A Pavilion by Moonlight
HARLEQUIN and COLUMBINE enter, dance, &c. He changes two banks‡ to a steel trap and spring gun.§
The CLOWN and PANTALOON enter. The CLOWN is caught by the trap, the gun goes off, and frightens PANTALOON, who leads off the CLOWN by the leg that is fastened in the trap, when the pavilion is changed by HARLEQUIN to
SCENE TENTH
A Flower Garden
GARDENERS bring in three tubs with trees, the centre of one of which is changed by HARLEQUIN to a sunflower, and COLUMBINE dances a pas seul.
HARLEQUIN, the CLOWN and PANTALOON appearing, changes the other two trees to statues of himself and Columbine, behind which they conceal themselves. The CLOWN knocks down PANTALOON, when HARLEQUIN links them together, and makes them turn round and round, over head and heels, in which way they exit. HARLEQUIN and COLUMBINE exit. Scene changes to
SCENE ELEVENTH
A View of Golden Square
The CLOWN and PANTALOON enter. A house with lodgings to let attracts their attention… and here a number of whimsical tricks between the CLOWN and PANTALOON are displayed by them. They exit into the house.
HARLEQUIN and COLUMBINE enter. HARLEQUIN knocks at the door, the CLOWN looks out of the window. COLUMBINE exit [s]. HARLEQUIN waves his sword and balcony falls. A bustle ensues. HARLEQUIN exits. The CLOWN and PANTALOON come out and exit. Change.
SCENE TWELFTH
St. Dunstan’s Church
A CROWD are assembled to see the figures strike the bell,* amongst whom is a pieman whom the CLOWN robs of his pies.
HARLEQUIN and COLUMBINE enter, pursued. He waves his sword. The dial descends, they place themselves on it, and are conveyed to the recess, where the two figures with clubs give place to them. The CLOWN and PANTALOON enter, view them with wonder.
HARLEQUIN and COLUMBINE retire, and the two figures with clubs take their original situations. The CLOWN and PANTALOON appear entranced, and while they are lost in thought, a JEW enters. They parley. PANTALOON bargains for two hats, during which time the CLOWN pilfers a jacket from the Jew’s bag, puts it on, and JEW exits.
The dial again descends with the two figures, who beat time with their clubs, terrifying PANTALOON and CLOWN, whose hats are changed by HARLEQUIN into the two bells. The figures keep close to them, menacing to restore the bells, when PANTALOON mounts the dial and the CLOWN clings around it – ascending in this situation. Change.
SCENE THIRTEENTH
Entrance to Vauxhall Gardens
Various characters now enter, BEAUX, BELLES, and a great variety of mixed company, attended by WATERMEN, HACKNEY COACHMEN, LINK BOYS, &c.
The CLOWN enters and puts in practice his old tricks, he pilfers a GENTLEMAN of his hat and a LIGHT HORSEMAN of his sword, when the following catch is sung.
Catch
VISITORS Here we are, we’ll all be merry;
Vauxhall galas banish care:
WATERMEN Hope you’ll please to pay the wherry –
COACHMEN Hope you’ll pay poor coachee’s fare.
1st VISITOR Hang your nasty skulls and oars;
2nd VISITOR Come, let’s in and see the fun;
1st VISITOR What’s to pay? What monstrous bores; What’s your number;
COACHMAN Three and sixpence!
1st VISITOR I’ll take care of Number 1!
COACHMAN I’ll summon you all,
WATERMAN To Waterman’s Hall*
COACHMAN To Somerset House†
CHORUS A rare Vauxhall!
They all exeunt to the gardens. Changes to
SCENE FOURTEENTH
Orchestra in Vauxhall Gardens
The orchestra is fully illum
inated as on a gala night. The MUSICIANS appear in motion. The COMPANY consists of great variety, and the illusion is completed by the entrance of the PANDEAN MINSTRELS playing the favourite air.
The CLOWN enters, and excites much laughter by playing on a large tin fish kettle (which is hung round his neck) with a ladle and whisk, his chin resting on a hair broom, which he supports between his feet. Strikes up. The COMPANY form a country dance, after which the CLOWN throws the WAITER and COMPANY into confusion by stealing tablecloths, &c., and a scene ensues full of merriment and fun – plates thrown in all directions, FOWLS fly away off the dishes, &c., when the Scene closes, and all exeunt. Scene changes to
SCENE FIFTEENTH
A Grocer’s Shop and Post Office
The CLOWN enters and steals the letter out of the box. He opens one and secretes some notes, then another – ‘Sir, I’ll trouble you with a line –’ and exhibits a small [noose] which is enclosed in the letter.
HARLEQUIN enters, changes the letter box into a lion’s head. The CLOWN advances, puts his hand in to get more letters, and is caught fast in the mouth of the lion. He endeavours to extricate himself, and draws out of the box a little POSTMAN, who annoys the CLOWN with his bell.
A BAKER comes on, sets down his basket, and enters the grocer’s shop. The CLOWN steals a loaf, throws it to PANTALOON, who now enters and covers the POSTMAN with the basket. While PANTALOON and CLOWN are endeavouring to keep the basket over the POSTMAN, the top opens and a BLACKAMOOR’S HEAD appears and recedes. They are both terrified. The CLOWN goes in and returns with a board. PANTALOON pops up on one side of the basket, when the CLOWN breaks the board in two upon his head. They exit.
The Pantomime Life of Joseph Grimaldi Page 34