On the Many Deaths of Amanda Palmer

by Rohan Kriwaczek,

  3. The Martyrdom Quotient (MQ): among the most important contributions of le Grenier’s A Statistical Study of Martyrdom in Post-Medieval Western Civilisation is the development, through a series of complex and wide-ranging statistical analyses, of the now standard Martyrdom Index, by which, given the relevant data, the specific martyrdom quotient of any individual can be calculated to three decimal places on a scale of 0-27. The devising of this scale had the additional intention of demonstrating his own theory of the macro-social-martyrdom-reflex (see above). The Martyrdom Index itself can be somewhat unforgiving, though it is generally considered to be accurate. As might be expected the highest MQ is achieved by Jesus, who reaches 26.476. It is impossible, or at least very improbable, to achieve a score much closer to 27 as to do so one would have to die for one’s beliefs whilst under the age of eighteen months and yet have had a lasting and emotionally evolutionary impact upon your society. More recently, and in the era of the Artist as spiritual vessel, Christopher Marlowe reaches 18.674, Keats and Shelley both come in at precisely 17.532, with Byron at a staggering 23.689, largely due to his reputation in Greece as a political revolutionary. In the 20th century Elvis Presley scores 17.117, Sid Vicious reaches 22.673, Kurt Cobain makes it to 23.001 and John Lennon surprisingly only achieves 9.548 as the fact that his death resurrected his career, and not the other way around, is factored into the equation. Amongst the more notable surprises: Coco the Clown (in his most famous incarnation portrayed by Nikolai Poliakov) reaches a most unexpected 18.573, whilst virtually forgotten 1950s children’s TV presenter Rory Robertson, who died in an unfortunate incident involving choking and a number of the cuddly toys used in the programme, scores an extraordinary 20.673. This work is generally considered to be the most important foundation text for the student of Doxithanotology.

  4. The Martyrdom Constant: Le Grenier postulates, in another much remarked-upon work entitled A Statistical Demonstration of the Matyrdom Constant, that the total sum of martyrdom quotients in any given society remains constant and is directly proportional to the number of individuals within that society, divided by the number of citizens who live below the Standardised Metric Poverty Line (SMPL). It is worth noting that far from being a constant, the Martyrdom Constant is in fact a variable. In today’s Western civilisation, with an ever-growing population and an unusually high proportion of people living above the SMPL there is a continually increasing social demand for martyrdom, hence the level of attainment required to become an icon, and therefore eligible for the role of martyr, must by necessity fall. This is often cited as an explanation for the obsession with low-brow celebrity culture currently exhibited ad nauseam across both Europe and America. According to the theory this situation is unfortunately self-perpetuating, for as the number of martyrs required by society increases, the easier it must be, by necessity, to attain such a level, thus the average martyrdom quotient falls even lower requiring a greater number of potentials . . . etc., etc. . . . By le Grenier’s own admission, the theory ceases to work in any useful way once more than 50% of the given society has become iconic.

  Among other of the more interesting volumes to have appeared in recent years there are a number worthy of brief mention here to give a fair impression of the current breadth of the field, and indeed also offered as an general reading list for those interested.

  R.S.Kepple’s Contemporary Sin-Eaters is a serious scholarly study that argues that our consumption of celebrity-death material and willingness to suspend disbelief in the context of celebrity-death scenarios (Elvis spotted in Bruges . . . the Prince Philip-Diana death conspiracy . . . etc. . . .) is a psychological displacement for the sacrificial instinct, as transposed through the act of communion. In addition it is rich in colourful illustrations and comes with a free CD.

  On the more cynical popularist side there is Peter “Soufflé” Merchant’s Cooking with Dead Celebs which claimed to contain the favourite recipes of many iconically deceased figures. This book makes for a fascinating example of source material. It is basic exploitation literature at its most extreme. After sitting comfortably at no. 2 on the non-fiction bestsellers list for six weeks it was suddenly withdrawn from sale pending litigation by the Estate of Keith Moon over a family recipe for mushroom canapés, quickly followed by a second suit from Hank Marvin arguing that his inclusion in the book was essentially libellous as he was not yet dead. At the time of publication neither case has yet come to court thus no comment can be made here with regard to the outcome.

  For further reading the keen student of Doxithanotology should consider Emily Watkinson’s When Death Became Art, Sir James Melton’s On the Difference Between Death and Art, and Hilary Jameson-Bowen’s epic though inelegantly titled How, in the Late 20th Century, We Came to Believe that the Destruction of Imagination was the Legitimate Destination of Western Art’s Journey from the Renaissance to the Present Day: Discussed.

  There is, in addition, one last and highly controversial theory that, despite considerable reservations amongst the majority of experts in the field, must nonetheless be mentioned in the interest of balance. This is the Wild Card Proposition. Originally posited by the once eminent, though now sadly disgraced, German mathematician Leopold Adler, this theory relates to an unexpected idiosyncrasy in the multiple equations used to calculate le Grenier’s martyrdom quotient. It had been noticed by many statisticians that where the MQ equals the square-root of a prime number certain subsequent calculations generate confused and inconsistent results. This was initially considered nothing more than a glitch in the system, and was largely irrelevant as in practice an MQ can only be calculated to three decimal places (due to an inevitable lack of pertinent data), thus making the identifying of such cases impossible as most prime number square roots of relevant magnitudes demand at least six decimal places. Adler argued in his paper Social Manifestations of the Prime-Root MQ that far from being a glitch, such results indicate a dramatic and unpredictable impact upon society. He cites a number of possible but improvable examples: Jesus comes up with a calculable MQ of 26.476, however, if this could be more accurately calculated we might find the true MQ to be 26.47640459 . . . which is the square root of the prime 701, thus statistically demonstrating a considerable propensity for social impact; likewise, Sir Thomas More comes in at 19.925, which might equate to the square root of 397; Vincent Van Gogh at 16.643 (√277?) and Elvis Presley at 17.117 (√293?). This argument may seem compelling but it must be borne in mind that he only lists those whom history retrospectively considers arbiters of great social change. By application of the same calculations it could be suggested that Isadora Duncan (a dancer whose trademark scarf became caught in the wheels of a car), or Linda Cleary (a 1940s puppeteer who was accidentally garrotted on stage by one of her puppets during the performance of an adaptation of Lear’s The Quangle Wangle’s Hat) were equally wild cards, with all that that implies. In the opinion of the author the Wild Card Proposition is nothing more than hopeful speculation on the part of a mathematician desperate to restore his reputation, and should therefore be soundly dismissed as such. However, given the subject of this particular collection of texts it should be noted that Amanda Palmer’s MQ has been calculated at 16.217, which may be equal to the square root of prime number 263. Were the Wild Card Proposition to be demonstrably true, and were Amanda Palmer’s MQ to actually equate with √263 we would expect to start seeing the first stirrings of social or artistic change purporting to be in her name or her spirit over the next decade or so. In the past such early stirrings have usually expressed themselves through the growth of cults, new churches and radical artistic movements, however in today’s more superficial and materialist culture, and particularly given the current unprecedented speed of global communications, it will be very interesting to see what, if any, form such early expressions take. Indeed it has been suggested by some that the internet-based literary genre of the palmeresque is just such an early stirring. Time will tell, however the author of this essay remains sceptical; th
ere should, after all, be no room for “woolly thinking” in the precise science of statistics.

  A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE PALMERESQUE

  By Dr. Kyla Dufford

  The death of Amanda Palmer on May 13th 2002 passed largely unnoticed by the wider world, initially at least. Certainly there were the usual obituaries in local newspapers, and a few more substantial considerations of her legacy in the international music press, but, given the size and loyalty of her audience, the lack of larger scale media coverage was perhaps a little surprising. This was no doubt due in part to the unfortunate timing: the announcement of her death fell on the same day that a certain female “celebrity” chose to reveal her omission of underwear to photographers whilst exiting a car, thus occupying a great many of the column inches reserved for popular culture commentaries. This lack of press coverage was in addition most likely aggravated by the confusion and uncertainty surrounding the circumstances of her death.

  It is known that her body was never found, and the refusal of the police to reveal any further details with regard to the nature of their investigation, combined with the closed inquest, and the coroner’s verdict of “unlawful killing” has, over the past few years, inevitably led to all kinds of wild, and in some cases, fantastical speculations. As might be expected under the circumstances, conspiracy theories have abounded. A brief internet search will reveal many blogs and chat-rooms dedicated solely to the discussion of Who Killed Amanda Palmer? Most are mundane and involve the US Government attempting to stifle the Punk-Cabaret movement due to its dedication to freedom of expression amongst young middle class intellectuals who might otherwise prove useful and productive members of society. However some have proven to be less expected. For example one website (www.wornoutdivas.com) has an extensive blog discussing the proposition that a number of female performers of the previous generation (Madonna, Deborah Harry, Suzi Quatro, Cher, and Linda Ronstadt are all mentioned) may have kidnapped Miss Palmer with the intention of forcibly inducing her to write new “younger” material in an attempt to resurrect their careers.

  One of the more interesting conspiracy theories was initially proposed on www.sinnedagainst.tv, and later taken up by many other blogsites. It suggests that Miss Palmer may have been murdered for her ovaries by PAPS (the People’s Army Protesting through Song), an organisation dedicated by its own admission to the “creation of a master-race of musicians with the intention of destroying all forms of government and instead uniting the world through the art of song-writing”. Deluded as this may sound, it has been alleged that PAPS are responsible for the murders of many female singers around the world, and the subsequent theft of their ovaries, among them the up and coming R&B star LaLa Brown and the Lebanese singer Suzanne Tamim. This rumour gained enough credence for PAPS to release an official statement of denial, although they did admit the illicit aquisition of samples of semen taken from numerous male singer-songwriters through the deceptive misuse of “groupies”. In a now notorious 2006 court case brought against them by three un-named male singers PAPS claimed their intention was that of isolating the song-writing gene for future generations. This case was eventually thrown out of court on the grounds that the semen was effectively “given freely in payment for services rendered”. None of the girls involved were identified and it is thought that the practice continues. There have of course been, in addition, numerous further theories involving alien abduction, genetic experimentation, time travel, consumption by sasquatch, and others too far-fetched to be worthy of mention.

  Given the mysterious circumstances surrounding Miss Palmer’s death, it is really neither surprising nor of any great doxithanotological interest that such conspiracy theories have been developed. Indeed, it is only to be expected after the death of a social icon, even when all the details are well known and frankly mundane, and however small their following may be. What has proven to be of much greater interest is the entirely unexpected literary phenomenon that has evolved amongst bloggers following her untimely demise, that being a particular and imaginative form of eulogy that has come to be called the Palmeresque. It is not known when this started, nor by whom, as, unfortunately, the web does not leave a paper trail in the conventional sense, thus making the job of the literary historian considerably more difficult. Pages can easily be moved, taken down, copied, and edited, all instantaneously with no accessible way of tracing their history. This does however bring with it certain advantages as once content is put up it frequently finds its way onto innumerable different sites and search engines within days, thus making the sourcing of content itself far easier than was ever the case in the days of pamphlets and newspapers. It is indeed this embracing of the internet, and its influence upon the means and execution of the Palmeresque that sets it apart from other eulogic forms. Whereas today it is common for memorialisations of various types to be expressed through sculpture, the visual arts or music (particularly song), the written memorial has become increasingly rare, and where it does exist it is usually biographical or drunk with praise. The Palmeresque is a different form entirely. Existing exclusively in the unreal and anonymous world of the internet it has embraced this spirit of freedom by casting its sights towards fiction and imagination.

  In the last year there have been many interpretations of this effect, both published and unpublished, and much heated debate has been had amongst psychologists, sociologists and literary historians. Conceptual anthropologist Ashley Weldon proposed, in her fascinating paper The Many-Staged Makings of the Mythological, that we are seeing in the Palmeresque stage one of an ageold potentially five stage process in which an icon or social figurehead is changed from a human, with all the necessary incumbent weaknesses, to a hero, then a prophet, a messiah and finally in the fifth stage, a god. Of course the last few stages of this process are rarely if ever achieved in the contemporary Western world, (that claim is not made), but the parallel between the Palmeresque and the far-fetched and magical tales that would often spring up after the death of a famous knight or prince in days gone by is indeed worthy of note.

  Most pertinent to this publication however is an article by Tabatha Buescher that first appeared in Sociology Today and was later developed in the collection The Socio-Iconic Process: Essays and Introductions edited by Dr. Cody Ehrman. Buescher turns her analytical eye towards the authors of Palmeresques to consider the motivations that influenced the development of the form:

  . . . To understand why memorialisation takes on any particular form we must first consider not the object, nor the subject, but the needs, requirements and means of those who are effectively the authors of the work. The most common purveyor of memorialisation, that being the State, whose requirement is to demonstrate the perpetual continuity of power and authority, and whose memorials are usually authored by committee, creates bold statements in stone, in the form of statues, buildings and institutions. This is to emphasize permanence, solidity, and a scope greater than that which any individual could muster. The hero may be dead, but their power lives on within the State itself. It is not at all uncommon for such State-financed public memorials to involve the wholesale seizure of iconic figures whose raison d’être was to stand against the very values that they are then used to perpetuate. Probably the most extreme example of this phenomenon in modern times was the ill-considered and short-lived decision to place a statue of John Simon Ritchie (aka Sid Vicious) upon the empty fourth plinth at London’s Trafalgar Square. Viewed by many as a cynical attempt by the Mayor of London’s office to engage the youth by honouring its heroes (ironically at least one generation too late), this statue was removed by public demand only three weeks into its intended six month exhibition...

  . . . Among the more interesting non-determined memorial forms to have evolved in recent years are the many writings that began to be distributed over the internet following the death of Amanda Palmer. A popular entertainer of some small note, she had over five years developed an unusually artistic and literate audience due to her
flamboyant and somewhat seedy Berlin Cabaret-styled image, and the sophisticated don’t give a damn attitude expressed through her lyrics. After her premature death, (the mysterious nature of which served only to add considerably to her previously acquired mystique), stories, poems and stream-of-consciousness writings began to appear, first in blogs and chat-rooms, then in other forms of internet-based viral distribution formats such as auto-forwarded emails and Facebook applications etc. . . . These have come to be known as “Palmeresques”. Despite covering a wide range of styles and techniques, what all these writings share is a presentation of the continuation of Amanda Palmer: occasionally through her physical survival of Death, but more often through her emotional or spiritual survival, in one form or another. This is in many ways a literal literary representation of the denial of death in what is generally a young and self-consciously artistic demographic, and as such presents many useful insights into the evolving relationship between society, mortality and the Arts . . .