by Harloe Rae
Table of Contents
REDEFINING US
Dedication
Prologue ~ Willow
One ~ Willow
Two ~ Xander
Three ~ Willow
Four ~ Xander
Five ~ Willow
Six ~ Xander
Seven ~ Willow
Eight ~ Xander
Nine ~ Willow
Ten ~ Xander
Eleven ~ Willow
Twelve ~ Xander
Thirteen ~ Willow
Fourteen ~ Xander
Fifteen ~ Willow
Sixteen ~ Xander
Seventeen ~ Willow
Eighteen ~ Xander
Nineteen ~ Willow
Twenty ~ Xander
Twenty-One ~ Willow
Twenty-Two ~ Xander
Twenty-Three ~ Willow
Twenty-Four ~ Xander
Twenty-Five ~ Willow
Twenty-Six ~ Xander
Twenty-Seven ~ Willow
Twenty-Eight ~ Willow
Twenty-Nine ~ Xander
Thirty ~ Willow
Thirty-One ~ Xander
Thirty-Two ~ Willow
Thirty-Three ~ Xander
Thirty-Four ~ Willow
Thirty-Five ~ Xander
Thirty-Six ~ Willow
Epilogue ~ Xander
Acknowledgements
About The Author
Redefining Us
Copyright © 2017 by Harloe Rae
All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the copyright owner and the publisher listed above, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.
This is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or purely coincidental.
Cover Design:
Harloe Rae
Editing:
Ace Gray
Proofreading:
Proof This—Proofreading by Jen
Interior Design & Formatting:
Christine Borgford, Type A Formatting
This book is dedicated to anyone
that still believes people can be saved,
no matter how bleak their situation.
I’ll always hold out hope right along with you.
I hope you all enjoy Xander & Willow!
Contents
REDEFINING US
Dedication
Prologue ~ Willow
One ~ Willow
Two ~ Xander
Three ~ Willow
Four ~ Xander
Five ~ Willow
Six ~ Xander
Seven ~ Willow
Eight ~ Xander
Nine ~ Willow
Ten ~ Xander
Eleven ~ Willow
Twelve ~ Xander
Thirteen ~ Willow
Fourteen ~ Xander
Fifteen ~ Willow
Sixteen ~ Xander
Seventeen ~ Willow
Eighteen ~ Xander
Nineteen ~ Willow
Twenty ~ Xander
Twenty-One ~ Willow
Twenty-Two ~ Xander
Twenty-Three ~ Willow
Twenty-Four ~ Xander
Twenty-Five ~ Willow
Twenty-Six ~ Xander
Twenty-Seven ~ Willow
Twenty-Eight ~ Willow
Twenty-Nine ~ Xander
Thirty ~ Willow
Thirty-One ~ Xander
Thirty-Two ~ Willow
Thirty-Three ~ Xander
Thirty-Four ~ Willow
Thirty-Five ~ Xander
Thirty-Six ~ Willow
Epilogue ~ Xander
Acknowledgements
About The Author
* * *
Pain.
Debilitating pain is all I feel as I attempt to keep my emotions in check. Saying goodbye to my best friend was never a thought I entertained. Now it’s my reality.
“Wills.” His voice takes on a pleading tone as he stares into my tear filled eyes. “Please don’t make this harder for me than it already is.” He continues to look at me as the saltwater drips down my cheeks.
“I’m sorry, X, but you have no idea how difficult life will be here without you.” I can’t catch my breath as the hysteria threatens to take over. I try to take deep inhales between puffs of pitiful exhales.
He presses his forehead to mine and I don’t think he understands how much that involuntary, ingrained move means to me at that moment. Xander is one of the greats and I’m about to lose him.
“Promise me,” I begin in a begging voice. “Swear to me that you’ll come back and everything will be the same.”
“Willow Shae, I could never stay away from you longer than necessary, so you don’t even have to ask. But yes, I promise and swear I will be back as soon as possible to return to our regularly scheduled friendship.”
With that remark, he has me cracking a smile. Even through the tears. Gosh, I will miss this man.
“Will you write me? Does that sound cheesy? I see it in all the old time movies and I always wanted to say it.” Maybe it is the dreamy lilt to my voice that has his lips quirking into a smile.
“Wills, I will write you every chance I get and I expect the same. Now, give me a hug that means everything you feel because I won’t see you for at least a year.” His eyebrows crease with that devastating blow, even though I’d heard that timeline before. I can tell he’s still very worried about how I’m feeling based on the telling nonverbal cues radiating off him.
We embrace easily, like so many times before, yet this is different. His hands linger on my hips before settling on the middle of my back. His breath holds until he blows it slowly across my neck. His eyes find my gaze like he had more to say than his voice would allow. I indulge these rare affections and give a few curve balls of my own.
“I’ll miss you every day, Xander. I will never go a single moment without a thought of you. Best friend or not, you mean more to me than any other person in this world. Please be careful. I will be waiting for you.” I pull away before he’s able to reply. I can’t stand to further delay this inevitable separation.
Xander looks down at me once more before picking up his pack and hoisting it over his shoulder. Then he tosses out the toughest blow ever dealt.
“When I am having a bad day, or we get into brutal battle, or a friend gets hurt, or . . . just something awful happens, I will think of your smile because it always makes me happy.”
Then he turns and walks toward the airline gate.
This was it. I have to tell him. It is now or never. As he passes through the threshold, I gain my courage.
“Xander!” I scream. He turns around immediately and looks startled by my outburst. It’s then I realize he had planned to keep walking until I called out. I can’t lay out my heart then just watch him leave.
Instead of telling him exactly how I feel, I blow him a kiss. Maybe for good luck or maybe for all the kisses I wish we had actually shared. He catches it and smiles. Then continues on his way.
Xander is much braver than I am, he’s an amazing man, and he will make our country proud. But my most forefront thought is worry that I will never get to tell him how much I love him.
* * *
Days like this are the worst. They feel like they never end. I had been on my feet since nine o’clock this morning and haven’t quit. As the time nears six in the evening, I’m rea
lizing my day needs to be done. I love my job but enough is enough.
In the past few years, I’ve been working as a community counselor for at-risk youth and absolutely love it. The teenagers don’t always appreciate my outgoing personality but they can’t constantly hide their smiles. To be considered a positive influence on these kids is extremely humbling and it brings invaluable purpose to my life.
Most of them don’t have adults at home to rely on so they come to the center for the support we can offer. To think I could actually have a lasting impact on their lives is still hard to believe. Most days I feel like they are helping me more than the other way around. Their wide range of life experiences keeps my professional life far more interesting than my personal one.
Not like I can really complain about matters outside of my career. After leaving small town living for the bigger city potential, I’ve never looked back. I grew up in Walstrom, Minnesota and thought I would spend my life among the rolling plains where I spent my childhood. No matter how much I loved that little town, I couldn’t escape the pain of him leaving and never returning. I had to be the one to go.
Even after all this time, thinking about him brings tears to my eyes. The broken promises, the love never reciprocated, the absolute abandonment. Xander Dixon was a huge part of my past and that is where he will always remain.
Once upon a time I thought we would get married, have a bunch of babies, and live in a cabin surrounded by the woods. We could grow old together, with nothing but one another to depend on. Our reality was much harsher than that fairytale my imagination dreamed up. I don’t even know if he’s still alive.
Enough about him. I need to stop this ridiculous obsession. Xander didn’t look back while boarding that plane and it’s time I walk away for good too.
Willow Shae Connor is a new woman. I don’t need memories of what-might-have-been to keep me happy. Ask all my friends around Minneapolis. Just don’t ask about my nonexistent love life. I’m not ready to address that.
On my way out, I swing by Lark’s office to say goodbye. Since we work closely together, we formed a breezy rapport that I greatly appreciate. Our jobs can be extremely draining and it’s vital to have trusted friends to process with.
I knock on her door before entering. Even after a long day, Lark is still hard at work behind her basic wood desk. She glances up as I approach and gives a slight grin. Her beautiful brown eyes give away her obvious exhaustion. This woman never quits.
“What are you still doing here? No hot date tonight?” I can’t help goading her a bit.
She chuckles while rubbing her pinched forehead. “Very funny. I have piles of paperwork to get through before I even consider leaving. My head hurts just thinking about how late I’ll be here.”
“Dude. No way. Let’s get a drink. I could really use one and clearly you need at least five. You work way too hard, Lark. If you keep pushing yourself like this, you’re bound to get burnt out.” I know how tough that is to hear but the truth hurts and all that.
I am all about this place but it can’t be all we live for. Lark needs a serious intervention and I won’t take no for an answer. She looks set to argue so I beat her to the punch.
“Seriously, let’s go. Right now. You’ve more than earned it and that stack of stuff can wait. I’ll buy the first round.” I tap my foot impatiently to get her moving.
She groans loudly but pushes out of her chair. “Fine, you’ve talked me into it. I get to choose the place and I am ordering the most expensive drink on the menu.” Her tone is full of sass but she already appears more energetic.
Score one for me. This night is definitely looking up.
A high-pitched ring wakens me from a deep slumber. I roll over and grasp for my phone.
“Hello?’ My voice is raspy from sleep.
“Oh dear, did I wake you?” My mother sounds concerned on the other end of the line.
“Hey mom. I’m up. No worries. What’s going on?” I have no idea why she felt the need to call me this early on a Saturday morning.
“I just got off the phone with Meredith Dixon and she had an interesting update on Xander that I thought you would like to know.”
The mention of his name is like a punch to the gut. My heart rate instantly spikes and nerves skitter through me as I prepare for the news I'm not ready to hear yet desperate to know.
“Okay. So, how is he?” I know my voice is filled with hesitation.
“Well honey, it doesn’t sound good. Meredith is very concerned. Xander has been back in the States for months but she’s just now finding out. Apparently, he’s gone into some sort of hiding.”
“Hiding? Like he doesn’t want to be found or is waiting for us to find him? I’m not sure how to take this news mom.” The thought of X in any sort of pain brings instant stabs to my heart. If he is hurting, I’m hurting.
“It seems Xander went through some . . . unfortunate crud overseas and needs time for himself. No one can reach him. Xander won’t talk to anyone, no matter what. Meredith isn’t sure what to do.”
I know my mother is stressed by the raise of her voice.
“Where is he, mom? Can we see him? I haven’t talked to him in so long but I want to know he’s all right.”
The hitch in my mother’s breath should have been my first warning. The long exhale, the next.
“When I heard Xander was back, I immediately thought of you meeting with him, but it seems he isn’t interested in any reconciliation. He’s isolating himself someplace up north. Meredith tried to visit but he turned her away without even opening the door.” The extreme worry in her tone is evident.
“I’m not sure why you’re telling me this. I haven’t spoken to Xander in almost three years.”
“Willow, you were the only one who could influence him when he was younger. He loved you unconditionally. The way you played together was magical. I’m not hoping for anything monumental but you could always reach that boy on a level no one else could understand.” My mother’s exasperated sigh told how she really felt about this situation. She wanted Xander and me to be married long ago. Unfortunately, fate had other plans.
“Mom, I’m not sure sending me out there is the right move. I’ve done my best to move on and I don’t want to throw away the progress I’ve made for nothing. Yes, we were close once but not anymore. I seriously doubt he would want to see me if he wouldn’t even allow his mother into the house.” I wanted to scream into my pillow in exasperation with this conversation, even though it had only been a few minutes. Bringing up the past always caused a piercing pang I didn’t prefer to feel.
“Would you try, Willow? For Meredith and me? If he sends you away, then at least we can say we tried. She sounds desperate for help.” My mom knows I can’t refuse her, especially when she is offering something I’m incredibly interested in.
“Fine, I will try to see Xander. Just let me know where he’s living. I hope you know I’m agreeing to this more for you than me.” The chuckle I hear through the line has me quirking an eyebrow.
“Honey, you love that boy more than a crisis patient and we both know how much you enjoy them. I appreciate you trying to contact him and I bet Meredith will be extremely grateful as well.”
“Great. Thanks, mom. Text me the details and I’ll let you know how it goes. Love you.”
We hung up after exchanging a few more pleasantries. My heart was pounding as apprehension floods my veins at the thought of potentially visiting the boy I still love.
* * *
I sit up in bed with a jolt. Panic seizes my limbs to the point of pain. The sheets are soaked with sweat and my hands are fisted in the blanket. Fucking nightmares never stop. I would consider myself somewhat lucky if they only plagued my dreams, but no. The suffocating torment haunts me on repeat all day and night.
What the fuck has happened to me?
Terrified was never a word I would use to describe myself but now I’m in a constant state of fear. I can’t get the gruesome images and painf
ul memories out of my head. It’s like watching a tragic car crash happen over and over. There are moments when I feel a slice of relief only to get slammed with the worst thoughts. It’s always pools of blood, nonstop gunshots, agonizing screams, and my brothers dying in the dirt that immediately drags me back to the day I’ll never escape. Then the darkness takes over and I have to fight to breathe.
When I woke up in the hospital a year ago, I couldn’t remember what happened at first. It’s disgusting to admit that I wish my memory loss was permanent. Obviously, the significant damage to my body was a clue I had been involved in some serious shit, but my mind was wiped clean. I would have graciously accepted the opportunity to start over without any clue about what lurked in the recess of my mind. Life isn’t quite so kind though.
When did I become such a wimpy shit?
Slowly the memories came back to me. A flicker here and a blip there, but gone in the next instant. One night I woke up screaming with vivid details replaying in my mind and it was like that opened the fucking floodgates. I went from peacefully ignorant to emotionally and mentally incapacitated in less than twenty-four hours. I was moved to a part of the hospital where my psychotic breakdowns couldn’t bother other patients. I suppose that was what started my self-imposed isolation and desperate need to be alone.
The small house I’m renting is in the middle of nowhere with expansive fields surrounding it. There isn’t another person around for miles in any direction and that’s exactly how it should be. I need the distance from society because I don’t fit in with people anymore. The windows are all boarded up and the door is locked with five deadbolts. If anyone dared to travel the rough terrain of the mile long driveway, they would assume the place has been abandoned. That’s exactly what I want everyone to think.
I lost myself completely overseas and I’m not sure I’ll ever recover even small pieces of who I once was. I sure as shit don’t look like the guy I was years ago. If the scars covering most of my body don’t alert people that I’m seriously messed up, the full beard, shaggy hair, and permanent scowl are sure to scare them off. Anyone with half a brain would take off running if they saw me headed their way.