Redefining Us: A Reclusive Novel

by Harloe Rae

  I can still hear the resounding thwack as Xander chops away while I finish perusing the cabin’s bleak atmosphere. I heave out a heavy sigh as I consider my options. What am I supposed to do now?

  * * *

  I’ve been awake since dawn cutting up a tree that fell from the storm last night. Thankfully the weather cleared up so I could get some work done. Splitting wood is one of the only ways I can get my mind to shut down for a while. The repetitive motions of the menial task keep me occupied enough to quiet the chaos lurking inside. With the first swing of my axe, I can feel my thoughts calm and I easily settle into an effortless rhythm.

  After pushing my body for hours, I am soaked with sweat and utterly exhausted. Usually I would keep going until I couldn’t move but today there is a certain someone distracting me from going that far.

  How in the hell am I supposed to face Willow after what I did last night? I’m such a pervert. It had already taken all my energy to maintain eye contact with her before I blew my load all over the shack. Now I’m going to come off as an even bigger jackass when I can’t even look at her.

  Why do I care?

  She’s all alone in my house. Looking at my stuff, touching everything, and silently judging who I’ve become in her absence. She’s letting her intoxicating scent seep into my private space. Willow is destroying the secretive existence that I’ve carefully built around myself. I’m too much of a fucking coward to admit I like it.

  A whole hell of a lot.

  I can’t help the growl that tears up my throat.

  How did this fucking happen?

  Why the fuck couldn’t she just leave me alone?

  I don’t want her here, dammit!

  I clench my hands into fists and bang them on my head.

  Why do I have to be so fucked up?

  I can’t let the darkness pull me under with Willow so close. She already thinks I’m screwed up enough as it is. I’m panting out hefty breaths that come out looking like plumes of smoke. Being a Minnesota native comes in handy with these freezing winters.

  Since moving back, I’ve discovered that I enjoy the extreme temperature more than I ever remember. Feeling the frigid air bite into my heated skin is a stark relief. As the chill slowly soaks in, it complements the cold I always feel deep inside.

  When I turn toward the house, I wonder what Willow is doing in there. I don’t have a lot of shit to occupy her but that girl can be entertained with a strand of yarn. It always surprised me that she could find fun in any random thing.

  Maybe she’s still sleeping though, calm and compliant. I easily imagine her naked in my bed, touching herself under the covers. Taunting me with her seductive movements.

  With that enticing vision flooding my mind, a memory slams into me from my previous life. Before all this shit ruined me.

  I close my eyes and let the past consume me.

  Going to the beach was a great way to spend a hot summer day. Witnessing Willow in a skimpy bikini was a fine sight and I always took advantage of the opportunity. Even if it was the worst type of torture. All look but absolutely no touch. It fucking sucked.

  I’d been lusting after this girl for years but I’d been friend-zoned hardcore. It doesn’t help that I’d never made a move.

  Willow was sprawled out on a towel next to me and I swore she was trying to kill me with what she’s wearing. Or not wearing, I should say. How is that scrap of fabric considered a swimsuit?

  Practically all of her silky skin was golden from the sun and on display for everyone to see. I was going crazy trying to restrain myself from running my tongue along her toned stomach. Then gliding my fingers under the tiny triangle cups covering her plump tits. My palm was itching to feel how smooth her thigh was.

  Her body was what kept wet dreams in business. Trust me, I would know.

  It was weird as hell to be picturing her naked when we were sitting there, just lounging on the beach. But we seemed to be just something all the time, nothing more.

  Just hanging out.

  Just friends.

  Just bullshit.

  She gave me a shy smile and I almost creamed my fucking shorts. I bit the shit out of my cheek to keep it locked down. My dirty mind is bad enough. I don’t need to pop a stiffy and raise all sorts of speculations.

  Damn though. My best friend was fine as hell.

  Maybe I’d own up to my feelings and actually do something about them. Not today, but I damn well wished for it one day. Maybe soon.

  I was such a wimp.

  I shake off the adolescent daydream and can almost laugh at the irony. I’m still fucking chicken shit. I guess everything hasn’t changed.

  I need to let go of this stupid ray of hope I seem to be holding onto. Willow and I will never be together. It didn’t happen back then and it sure as fuck isn’t happening now.

  When I blink to clear my eyes, I try to rein in my emotional crap and get control of myself. I really need to stop fucking obsessing over her. That woman will be gone soon enough and I will be back to my isolated reality. Having her here was nothing more than a tiny blip on the radar. Getting rid of her is exactly what I want.

  I rub at the sudden ache in my chest and wonder if all the drinking is starting to catch up to me. Might have something to do with the fact that I haven’t eaten anything yet. Getting food involves going in the house though and I’m not sure I can handle seeing Willow quite yet.

  I’m such a fucking pussy.

  She’s the one invading my place so there is no reason for me to be cowering outside. That damn dream is still swirling through my head and fucking with my mind. The visions were so vivid and felt so real that I’m getting half hard reminiscing.

  I just need to ignore Willow and push her out the door. With that brilliant plan in place, I step onto the covered path that leads to the front porch so I can evict my unwanted guest.

  * * *

  The door swings open without warning and bangs against the wall. I yelp out in surprise and knock over the chair beside me. This man has the worst habit of disrupting the freaking peace with his rude behavior. He doesn’t need to barbarically barge in and scare the crap out of me. Again.

  “You didn’t lock the fucking deadbolt?!” Xander roars out from the entrance of the room. Someone obviously woke up on the wrong side of the shack.

  Why is he so darn grumpy?

  I can’t help remembering how sexy this jerk looked earlier. Even though he’s yelling at me for no reason. Xander is wearing the same shirt and from this distance, I can definitely see the ripple of hard abs.

  Dang, he’s so freaking hot.

  Am I drooling for real this time? Maybe he could help me out and let me borrow his shirt to wipe my mouth. Then I could get a peek at what Xander is hiding under there.

  Shoot! I totally zoned out imagining him stripping off that unnecessary material. Did he say something about locking the deadbolt? Xander sure looks like he’s waiting for me to respond. His glare and snarl suggest his patience is already thin. I take a shot in the dark.

  “Umm, why would I lock the door? Do you get a lot of unwanted visitors I need protecting from? I figured it was pretty safe considering we’re in the middle of nowhere,” I reply with extra sass in my tone.

  Who does this guy think he is?

  I know I let him intimidate me before but I woke up this morning with newfound courage. He can’t keep pushing me around without expecting consequences eventually. He seems to forget we used to be best friends and I know how to defend myself. I’ll get my freaking way, it just might take longer than I originally anticipated.

  Xander is gritting his teeth and flexing his fingers, not moving any closer to me. “That’s the kind of stupid thinking that will get your ass in trouble,” he spits out.

  I’m so done with this conversation. Clearly this isn’t the chance I’ve been waiting years for. He can’t see anything passed his stubborn agenda to get rid of me. I’ll make a quick call and get out of this senseless ordeal. I should ha
ve never come out here without getting more information.

  “I need to use your phone so I can get someone to tow my car out of your driveway. I have no cell reception. I’m sure my mom is worried sick about me by this point.” I try to keep my voice as even and calm as possible.

  “Does it look like I have a damn phone?” Xander sneers out.

  Geesh, he’s so angry.

  I’ll never understand what caused all that hostility to bottle up inside him.

  “Well, how am I supposed to call my mom then?” I question lightly, doing my best to ease him out of his temper tantrum.

  He snorts loudly while crossing his massive arms across his chest. “Not my problem.”

  Never one to mince words.

  This nasty attitude has his face contorting into an awful mask and enough is enough. “Why are you such a jerk? I didn’t purposely get stuck in your driveway. I’m not trying to disrupt whatever warped paradise you’ve created for yourself out here. I want to leave. Trust me. But since I can’t, I need your help. I will gladly get out of your space as soon as I can get someone to pick me up.”

  Halfway through my babbling, Xander arches one eyebrow. Otherwise, there is no sign of emotion on his face. His mouth sets into a grim line I’m starting to recognize in the short time I’ve been around. His once deeply soulful eyes are now blank. He just seems so expressionless and it bothers me more than I can handle. I need to get used to this new side of Xander but I feel my heart ache all over again. My entire being is weighed down with disappointment that I can’t get him to budge. Just an inch.

  Before he can spew more venom my way, I decide to just leave. I can walk to the road and try to make a call from there. I will do whatever it takes to get away from this stranger.

  “Forget it. I’ll figure it out on my own,” I wheeze out as I sneak past him and out the door.

  I will not cry, dang it!

  He’s not worth getting so upset over.

  Even though I try to hold them back, I feel the first tears trickle down my cheeks. I angrily wipe them away, rougher than necessary, as I continue marching toward my car for my phone. Now that the weather has cleared up, I can see the huge rut my vehicle seems to be nestled in. There is no way I’m getting out of that without assistance. I can barely get the door open.

  I snag my cell off the charger before slamming the door closed. The snow has to be at least eight inches deep, which makes walking an extreme chore. My muscles already ache from the additional exertion. It’s also pretty dang cold outside, which doesn’t help my already foul mood. The tears are coming faster now and I’ve lost the motivation to swipe the streaks away.

  Freaking Xander and his wretched demeanor. I can empathize with him to a certain extent because I’m sure what he experienced overseas must have been horrendous. There is a limit to the amount of crap I will put up with though. I was willing and more than ready to be his friend again. Provide any support he might need and be a stable shoulder to lean on. Clearly Xander wants nothing to do with me or any sympathy I was willing to provide.

  I shouldn’t care so much. He was gone for three years and I got used to living without him.

  Even as I think it, I know that’s a total lie. I never got over his abandonment. It ate at me, festering and growing, every day, until he miraculously showed back up. Xander isn’t the only one who has changed. I didn’t know how impacted I was by his absence until I stood facing him yesterday.

  Perhaps on the exterior I seemed calm, but inside I was freaking out. My stomach has been tied in painful knots while my mind bounces between emotions. It all just slammed into me at once and the misery was the most overwhelming. Especially witnessing his tormented transformation.

  I keep stumbling along, fighting with my thoughts the entire time. I’m about halfway when my phone starts going berserk in my hand. I’ve apparently hit a sweet spot so I better take advantage. I quickly clear all the notifications I just received to dial my mom’s number. I really hope she’s home and my dad can come help me right away.

  After a single ring, my mother’s frantic voice answers. “Willow? Oh my goodness, please tell me you’re alright.” Her genuine worry and obvious care helps soothe some of the pain Xander has caused over the last twenty-four hours.

  “Hi mom. I’m fine, mostly. I’m so glad you picked up. I need dad to come out here with his plow so I can get my car out. It’s practically buried in the snow.” I can’t keep the sniffle out of my voice even though I know it will only ratchet her concern up higher.

  “Sweetie, what on earth has you so upset? Is it Xander? What happened?” Her insistent questioning seems relentless but I can’t handle giving her the details in my current emotional state.

  “Mom, please, I can’t talk about it now. Can dad come out here?” I push out. My throat is tightening from holding back the cry wanting to escape.

  “Willow, you’re really scaring me. Your father is still on the road from his last job site down in Rochester. He won’t be home until later tonight. I’m sorry, darling,” she coos.

  That was not what I wanted to hear and my mood plummets impossibly further. “Crud. Alright. Can you come get me right away? Could you do that, please? We’ll have to come back for my car, I guess. I’ll tell you everything when you get here.” I’m trying so hard not to openly sob but I’m losing the battle quickly.

  “Of course, Willow. I can be there in an hour, if I remember correctly when I looked up the address before. Are you safe until then?” My mom’s question makes me wonder where I can wait for her. I guess I can sit in my car. I’m definitely not planning to face Xander again.

  “Thank you so much, Mom. Seriously, I owe you. I’ll be waiting in my car. I don’t have reception closer to Xander’s house so you won’t be able to call me. I’ll be watching for you and meet you at the road. Don’t try to pull into the driveway. I’ll see you soon, okay?” I’m sure the relief is evident in my voice with my reply. I would love to chat with her longer but I’m freezing standing out here.

  “I already have my coat on, Sweetie. I’ll be there as soon as I can. I expect a lot of answers, Willow Shae,” she chides me with that last remark. I’ll tell her every last detail if that makes her get here faster.

  “See you soon, Mom. Thanks again,” I respond while turning back toward my car. I wait for her farewell before hanging up.

  The trek back isn’t as tough because I managed to make a decent path on my way out here. I keep my head down to keep the chill away. I scrub at my cheeks to remove the frozen crystals my tears turned into. With the knowledge that my mom is coming to get me, I feel marginally better. I’m able to focus on my rescue and try to move past everything that happened with Xander.

  Once I get settled in my car and it’s starting to warm up, I think of the best way I can pass the time. I suppose I could read a few chapters of the sexy romance I started last week. I’m not really in the mood though. I can’t seem to help the quick peek I take of Xander’s house in front of me. I really wish I hadn’t because he’s standing in the open doorway shooting daggers with his eyes. It appears that my car is his intended target. If looks could cause damage, all my tires would be flat.

  Xander storms toward me when he notices me turned around in my seat looking at him. Just super. I really didn’t want to have another altercation with him.

  He yanks open my door with so much force I’m surprised it’s still attached and didn’t rip off the hinges. Xander starts barking questions at me as soon as the barrier between us is gone.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Leave me alone, Xander.”

  “Why are you just sitting out here?”

  “I’m waiting for my ride.”

  “Who’s coming?”

  “Like that’s any of your business.”

  His eyes flash with irritation. He has no right to expect answers from me. He’s been nothing but cruel and rude. Xander is looming over me and he has an even greater size advantage with me sitting down.
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  “I deserve to know who’s planning to step foot on my property, Willow.” His hands are clenched in tight fists and I notice a slight tremble. Xander appears extremely bothered by the idea of another person being here and I should have realized that. I rely on my trauma training to assess this situation more clearly. Xander isn’t isolating himself out here for no reason. I feel really guilty for potentially pushing him into a panic.

  I ease out of the car so I can stand facing him. I want to be on more common ground when I apologize. I reach out and gently place my hand on his forearm.

  “Listen Xander–” but before I can say more, he rips his arm away and stumbles back. He has a lost look in his eyes that makes me feel even worse. Until he opens his mouth.

  “Don’t fucking touch me!” He grits out as he continues backing away from me. I’m instantly wounded and offended by his reaction. I try not to take it personally since it’s obvious Xander is dealing with some serious issues. I really attempt to keep a straight face but I feel my bottom lip wobble beyond my control. My eyes flood and tears spill over before I can hide the evidence of my pain. I can’t believe how different he is.

  “I’m sorry, Xander. For everything. I never should have come. It’s clear you don’t want to be bothered. I’ll wait for my ride near the road. Take care of yourself,” I hush out, trying to keep my voice even. I grab my stuff from the car before taking a last look at my former best friend. He hasn’t moved but his entire body is shaking.

  What happened to him?

  That worrying thought keeps my mind occupied as I make the hike to wait for my mom.

  * * *

  As I watch Willow trudge away, I feel like a worthless piece of shit that can’t do anything fucking right. My mood seems to get progressively worse with each step she takes. I can’t escape the brick of regret lodged in my chest. If I wasn’t such a fuckup, I would go after her. I could potentially fix the disturbing impression she has of me. When I can no longer see her from where I stand, I feel the darkness begin to descend upon me.