by Sid Holt
You call Uncle Michael in New York and tell him say is time fi go home. You both fly back straightaway to arrange funeral and when you go to collect them body, the policeman on duty have your daddy lay out on the gravel, baking in the rhatid heat.
Your uncle say to the copper, How you can have him on the ground like dog? And him say, Please, please treat him with dignity. All from him breasts to him belly a tremble with rage.
The copper say, Morgue full up. There’s no place else me can put the t’ing.
Uncle Michael cry, T’ing? T’ing? And him start bawl. Is then you know the man turn soft in a New York.
You tell the copper, Hear me nuh, boy. Take out a next corpse and bring my father inside until the undertaker reach. You can cuss and talk ’bout what him muma fi do and say duppy de go haunt him for disrespect the dead so, but you know it the twenty dollars U.S. that make the man do what you say.
Him and him partner lift your father inside and dump out a next corpse on the roadside with the others.
Only a Kingston have more dead than morgue, you tell your uncle. You tell him, You forget how things work down here? You say, That no Daddy, you know? Daddy gone.
But all him can do is cry.
At funeral, crowds come from so far as Negril, which take longer to reach from than Miami and maybe even New York. Even Reyha come to the repast and squeeze your hand when she think Sanya no look, and you resist sniff she hair to see whether she still smell of spice bun because Sanya always a look.
Is not till after funeral—after weeks sorting your parents’ affairs and after schoolboy show up at your daddy’ door and hand you him grade sheet and say your daddy promised to pay him tuition if him do well, and you tell him your daddy dead, and the boy start cry, like is he fate dealt the harshest lick, so you write out check to the academy, and after you slip under the white rum one mournful evening and let Jodie crawl ’pon your lap and start ride your cocky while unoo bawl ’bout how your mummy and daddy gone, and after you return a Miami—that Sanya say, Things must change now.
How you can say so, you ask her, when me parents dead a three week?
She say, Me no wan’ dead before you decide to come home at night.
But you no ready fi hear that. You rather sleep ’pon sofa. You rather things were the way they were in Mandeville, when you could take care of she and Delano, and she no worry so much ’bout where man supposed to be. You wish for some way to go back, but if a Kingston you stayed, your parents still would’ve dead. If a Kingston you stayed, you could’ve dead long time.
And you don’ wan’ admit you start get used to American convenience, too much to go back. But you know Sanya’ right, something must change.
Then Hurricane Andrew hit and everything change.
House roof tear off and you all must cram up in apartment in Fort Lauderdale. And for a month or so, it seems you and Sanya must come together and make up. But with everyone house blow down, and fema start hand out check, is more work than all the years you’ve been here combined. You start recruit man from Miramar where must have more Yardman than all South Dade’ neighborhood combined. And you’re on the road from dawn till deep night getting man working. Sanya stop complain because she know people need them house fix. And she know is like gold rush how the jobs come in. And even she get a next promotion at work, so in all the destruction unoo find your silver lining.
It nearly a year before your house can fix because you’re so busy a make money, you only can fix your house part time. One day, you’re back down a Miami and it late and you decide to stop by the Fence where all the Yardies start reconvene, even when the house next door still have blue tarp for roof. You sip ’pon your white rum when you feel tug from behind and you turn and see Cherie, still look the same like she travel through time. She hug you up and say how she sorry to learn ’bout your mummy and daddy. She tell you how she move up here when she house get destroy in Gilbert. You say, Boy, seem like storm knock we back into each other’ arms. But you no mean nothing by it.
If she hear song she say is she favorite, she’ll take your hand and pull you to the dance floor. She start grind she pelvis into yours and you feel you’re a young man again. But after three or four dance your legs start to ache and you know it time to put an end to the reunion. You know there’s no returning to youth. You kiss Cherie’ cheek and when you think she going beg you fi stay, she give small wave and start dance with a next man.
The drive back long, and when you reach, Sanya is up, waiting on the couch, like she have a sixth sense for Cherie alone. Wha’ you a go do? she start yell. Wha’ you go do? And is phone she have in she lap. Is just dance, you start say, when you’re sure is a suss suss business get back to she, but she say, Jodie call. She say, She call and the boy have your eyes.
If Sanya throw the phone you won’t bother block it. The handset clip your forehead and leave gash that later scar because you never get stitch. You deserve the scar and much worse. Especially since the vexation mark Sanya with white streak through she hair that show up overnight.
You sleep with she the whole time? Sanya want to know. And you knew she would think that, if she ever find out, even when you never look ’pon the girl Jodie before the funeral. And you can see it in Sanya’ eyes that suspicion and hurt start flood all she memories. Now everything sour, down to the root.
And you beg her. You tell her is Jodie take advantage of you in your weakened state. And of course you never touch the girl when Sanya was pregnant with Delano, even in the time you and Sanya stop having sex.
Sanya smile when she say, I believe you. And you go in to hold her and she box your face, even as blood leak from your forehead into your eyes. I believe you will regret this for the rest of your life, she say. And you know she mean it with that demented smile. And you hate yourself for taking away part of she and replacing it with disfiguration. And more than that, you hate that she is right.
* * *
If you go see the boy, it will be late summer. Jodie’ family called and called to tell you say you must come see your baby, but them never let you talk to Jodie and so you wan’ ask if there’s a baby fi true, or if this a kidnap scheme. But you no wan’ put that idea in them head.
Still, you fly down a Kingston alone, since your shame won’t let you bring witness. You hire car and drive to a shantytown buried in the mountains, halfway to Spanish Town. She cousin call the last time to say the baby sick, and is him give you directions, since where she live now don’t have phone, and when you pull off highway and start drive down dirt path and see shacks made of lean-to zinc, you can see don’ nobody here have phone. The shantytown walled in, like this a housing scheme, and you wonder whether it have name like Tel Aviv or Jungle or anything that signal man like you should not be here. Man who maybe should be here guarding the entrance and him tell you, you better park and walk in.
You made sure to leave home everything valuable, because you hear stories that things so bad now in JA that man hand get chop off with cutlass because thief want him wristwatch and don’t bother asking. The cash you brought over you hide in your sock.
You approach the guard and him say, White man, you ’ave business ’ere?
You almost laugh, but say, Is me you think is white man? And him say, You the whitest man me ever see, and him no say it with humor.
You say you’re there to see Jodie and the man wrap him arm around you and show big teeth and say, Cousin! You know him not the same man you spoke with on the phone, because this man say a whole heap of words now, and you can’ understand half of it, because you never hear a bush patwah like that. You wonder whether everyone in this shantytown is Jodie’ cousin.
Him start walking you inside and telling you how beautiful the baby you make is, but all you can think ’bout is how it good your mummy and daddy never lived to see this. More than that, you think ’bout how you break Sanya’ heart. And about how she make you choose between Delano and Trelawny to take back to the house you finally rebuild and how she say she
will never set foot inside that house again. You told her you don’ wan’ take either son from she and she say, You think I go let you walk away from your responsibilities? Like that your plan the whole time. She say, You will take Delano, because me don’ trust you with Trelawny. And you can’ deny you felt small bit of relief.
Jodie cousin walk you past a group of barefoot pickney kick soda bottle back and forth between them and woman who all a carry bucket of water on them head, and when you peek in the gaps in them lean-up tin walls, and see is all one room and no plumbing or bathroom, you wan’ shout, But how people can live so?
You know then that you must take Jodie and the baby back with you, because no boy of yours can grow up in such circumstance—if the baby truly yours.
The man who say him Jodie’ cousin walk you into a rusted hovel and there you find Jodie sit down on a blanket on the dirt and hold a baby in she arms, and when she see you, she look up and smile. But the smile demented, like how Sanya smile the night she find out, and you never realize till now is a second woman you mutilate.
You kneel down next to she and when she hand you the baby, is two things you see: Him have your eyes, fi true, so him must be yours. And that the baby dead from time. Jodie cousin stand up at the entryway and menace you with him big teeth and say, You just miss him. You hand the baby to Jodie and untuck the bundle of cash you hiding in your sock and leave it in Jodie’ lap. Then you go back to the car and drive straight to the airport, certain them could no drag you back to this godforsaken island again.
* * *
If you’re a man who utterly failed his child, you can either lie down to join him in death, or you can do more for those remaining. If the latter you choose, the first thing you can do is call your wife and beg she to take you back. You can leave message on she answering machine and explain there’s no more reason you must be apart, and if it embarrass she feel, no one up a stateside has to know. At least, no one has to talk about it.
But if you do this, man will show up at your door early one morning, and when you answer him, Yes, I’m Topper, him will smile and hand you a manila envelope and say, You’ve been served.
It Trelawny you start worry after, because even when Delano don’t do too well in school, him is a boy who will make something out of nothing. The day him graduate, Delano start him own landscape business and have man your age working under him. But when you pick up Trelawny from Sanya’ new house in West Miami, the boy can’ hold nobody eye when him talk. And him barely talk, like him ’fraid of his own voice. Him dress up in baggy clothes and hoodie, like him hiding, even when it summer.
You stop bring him down to your house, because the first time you see how it hurt him to watch him brother and you living where him once had a proper family. It loss him feel, but you wonder whether it also envy of him brother. You take Trelawny out to eat instead, every few weeks.
And every few weeks him seem to change who him trying to be. First, is only tegareg rap music beat out his headphones. Then it booguyaga dancehall. When you ask how it only ghetto music him listen to, him say him wan’ connect with him people. You say, Boy, them buttoo singer not your people. You think your grandfather would let them type of man on him veranda?
But Trelawny say him don’ remember him grandfather too well.
If you buy two acres of land in Palmetto Bay and start make plans to build new house, you’ll try involving the boy. You sketch design of what the house could be, and it good to feel your hand drawing over paper after so long. You try show Trelawny your mock-up and where him room might be when he visit, but him no bother pay much attention and stare out restaurant window instead. You know him resent you for the divorce, and you wonder what ideas him mother put in him head. You almost tell him it Sanya split up your family and make you choose Delano over him, but you don’t want to have to explain the reasons why.
When the construction soon start, you ask Trelawny if him wan’ help, the way Delano helped rebuild the Cutler Ridge town house, but him say, How much does that pay?
You tell him you’re trying to teach him something, but him say, I already learned Lincoln freed the slaves. Him add, Maybe Delano should have paid more attention in school.
The boy think him smart, you see?
Back home, you ask Delano why him brother must be so cantankerous.
Delano say, We all have to be what we have to be.
You ask, Who told you that? And when him shrug you say, Unoo go soon learn, if you wan’ make it in this world, you best be better than that.
* * *
One day, while you and Trelawny out at lunch, Delano page you and say him have surprise, and you’re to meet him at the construction site in Palmetto Bay. When the two of you reach, you see is full-grown ackee tree Delano have him crew transplant in the backyard. Him say man in Coconut Grove paid them to chop it down, but him save it and bring it here instead. Them had to get tractor and trailer and permit to transport the thing, and if you have any luck at all, the tree should survive and start bear fruit in a year or so. Your eye start water and you see how it not everything lost after all; you see your legacy can grow, even in a foreign soil.
You thank Delano with handshake, and out the corner of your eye, you see Trelawny look bewildered, like him don’t get the significance, like him don’ understand why him brother would bother.
* * *
When he finally take himself away to university, you hope Trelawny will meet people like him, people who find them worth in books. Sensitive people. Him think him is hard, since him put off college for several years to work warehouse job. But when you suggest that him throw out him wardrobe and buy proper clothes when he arrives in the North, suggest that he’s old enough to stop wear clown clothes, Trelawny look like him wan’ cry. How him can upset so easy? Miami too rough, too much like home for the boy. You don’t see how him can survive here, where man always try test you, and always try get over. So you’re glad when him leave for someplace he can find his true self.
But when him graduate, Trelawny move back.
You ask him, What you go do now? But him only shrug and stick him hands in him pockets and say him go figure it out. But you no see him figure nothing. Only him hide in the room you give him in your new house. Only him sit down ’pon him computer and do God knows. Seem like university only make the boy less fit for work.
This is how it’s done now, Trelawny tell you. You apply online. No one wants me showing up in their lobby, reeking of desperation, him say. No one will hire me if they suspect I need a job.
But what kind of backward thinking that? You tell Trelawny to check his brother for work, but him say, You think I got my B.A. so I could start mowing lawns?
It just as well because Delano’ tree service struggling through 2009 recession. And now Delano have wife and pickney of his own, so him can’ carry his brother. And your business grind to a halt, so it better you just retire from now.
Anyway, you can’ tell Trelawny nothing. Him think them teach him everything up North and the whole of Miami is ignorant. When him reach back, you tell him that with all the job loss him better stay away from certain neighborhood, and the boy say, There’s no such thing as a bad neighborhood, and it’s systemic racism and white-collar greed cause the crime—like him knowing the source can stop bullet; like him will sit down with robber and explain to him ’bout subprime mortgage and school-to-prison pipeline.
Even if things tight, you’ll decide to hold retirement party, since you reach the age where all your friends start die off, and you wan’ show people the house while there’s still people left to show. Plus you start feel you no have too many ifs ahead, only bleak certainties.
Your house finally finish the way you want, with in-ground pool and bar and more fruit trees flanking your ackee tree, lining the backyard perimeter. It the house you always dream ’bout and a part of you sad Sanya will never see it, since she still hate your guts after all these years.
She called before Trelawny graduate and told you how
she was moving back to Kingston. You said, Sanya, you crazy?
But she say, Just look after the boy, nuh.
And the boy Trelawny back not a two week and him say him going invite up him friend from JA—girl he meet when him spend him summer break in Kingston.
You think, Careful she not after you for green card, but it not nice to say those things. Instead, you ask the boy where him did apply today, and him admit him no apply for job today at all. Instead, him say him applied for a grant to go live in Jamaica for a year and do research.
You must wan’ study how to get your brains blown out, you tell him.
Him say next him go apply for Jamaican passport.
You say, Boy, is a death wish you and your mother share?
But the boy just turn back to him laptop like you not there speaking.
The night of the party, you make Trelawny help set up tiki torch poolside and get the yard trim up nice, and you get caterer to set up buffet in the backyard, and have them serve a jerk pork and ’bout three sets of curry. You put out old table, so man don’t brukup your good dining table with them dominoes. You drape lights from the roof of the pool deck and turn pool light on, so everything glow, even when you know none of your friends wan’ take off them shirt and frock to get in no pool at night.
The ackee tree bearing fruit now and some of the ackee pods start open, so you buy salt cod to pair with it for breakfast the next morning. The invite list long and even Uncle Michael fly down from New York and you can’ believe how him get mawga and him tell you him can’t believe how you get old.
Delano come with Shelly-Anne and them two boys, and when Shelly ask whether you wan’ hold the baby, you say no, because both him boys get your father’ eyes and you think ’bout Jodie’ baby and feel haunted.
Delano get him band to set up on the patio and play roots music and them bring all the young people, and all your old crowd from the Fence come through. Even Cherie show up eventually, but she don’t want nothing to do with you, besides be friends.