The Memory of You

by Laurie Kellogg

  “Certainly. What mother doesn’t? In fact, I’ve got hours of movies, too. I was fanatical about taking them. It was part of my denial about Matt’s death. I didn’t want him to miss seeing Tommy grow up, so I shot a few minutes every week for the first two years of his life.”

  The muscles in Matt’s throat contracted. He could fall in love with her just for having the sensitivity to do that.

  “I know it was irrational, but I guess subconsciously I felt if I documented his son’s life, Matt would have to come home to us.”

  “I’m glad you did.” He smiled. “I’d love to see them.”

  A look of wonder washed over Abby’s face. “You know, this is the first time I’ve ever seen you look really happy.”

  “I am happy. Could we watch some of the movies now? The boys don’t have to get up for school tomorrow.”

  She showed him the closet where she kept the reels of film, the projector, and portable screen while the boys bounced in excitement at the idea of seeing themselves as babies.

  Matt stared in astonishment at how much work Abby had put into the collection. She’d cataloged each one listing its dates and the events on it. “I guess we should start at the beginning.”

  Abby snatched the first reel out of his hand. “You don’t want to look at that one. Tommy and Royce aren’t even on it. It’s only me while I was pregnant.”

  “Then I definitely want to see it.” He took the reel back from her. “That’s where Tommy started, right?”

  After feeding the film into the projector, Matt watched, completely enchanted by Abby during the months her belly swelled. His chest constricted at the sight of her carrying his child. He glanced over at her in the dim light. “You looked beautiful.”

  They spent the next hour and a half viewing snatches of Tommy and Royce’s first year. It was a bittersweet experience, watching the boys learn to crawl and walk. He loved seeing the poignant moments Abby had captured, but at the same time, his regret and resentment intensified over the forever-lost opportunity. He should’ve been there holding his arms out to encourage them.

  He’d missed so damned much. His heart twisted at glimpsing the anguish he must have experienced knowing Abby was at home alone, giving birth to his child. A child that the odds said he would probably never see. He could only imagine how insane he’d been with worry. No wonder his mind had snapped.

  ~~~

  Once the boys brushed their teeth, Abby sat at the foot of Tommy’s bed and listened to Mac read some of A. A. Milne’s Winnie-the-Pooh stories to them. He had a real talent for bringing the characters to life. The animation in his face and the dramatic voices he used captivated her as fully as it did the kids. So much so, she was tempted to drag Mac to the library the next weekend and let him run the story hour.

  He closed the book, and both boys yawned. Royce scurried to the other bed. After she kissed them and sang to them, Mac tucked the covers around the kids and whispered, “I love you, guys.”

  As they were about to leave, Tommy grabbed Mac’s wrist. “If you’re really gonna be my dad, can I call ya that?”

  Mac turned to her, his eyebrows lifted in a hopeful arch. “It’s your decision, Abby.”

  She hated the idea of Mac taking the place in Tommy’s heart that should’ve been Matt’s, and Rob would probably have a fit. Still, she couldn’t deny her son the right to choose for himself. Swallowing hard, she nodded. “If that’s what Tommy wants.”

  Mac hugged her son again. “Nothing could make me happier.”

  Turning on her heel, Abby raced out of the room before Tommy could see the tears pouring down her cheeks. In her bedroom, she threw herself on the quilt she’d made for Matt.

  She beat her pillow and sobbed into it, telling herself how completely unreasonable it was for her to be enraged with Matt for not coming home. He would be here if he could. But even knowing that still didn’t calm her fury.

  Tommy shouldn’t have to find another father to love him, and she shouldn’t have to marry a man who didn’t make her melt when he kissed her.

  Damn you, Matt, you promised me you’d come home to me.

  ~~~

  Matt stepped into the hall and froze at hearing uncontrolled weeping coming from Abby’s bedroom. He pushed the door open and found her sprawled on the bed, crying like a kid whose kitten had died.

  He sank onto the bed next to her and gathered her to his chest. “Shhh....it’s okay.” He wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Do you want to tell me what has you so upset?”

  Abby sniffled and curled her mouth in a tearful, unsuccessful attempt to smile. “Just delayed grief I suppose. Anger at Matt that I never expressed.”

  Great. How was he supposed to get closer to her if she was furious with him? He wove his fingers through her hair. “What’re you pissed at me about?”

  “Why would you think I’m mad at you?”

  Damn. Being Clark Kent and Superman was a lot tougher than they made it look on TV. Lois Lane never picked up on Clark’s goof-ups. “You were fine until Tommy asked to call me Dad. I just figured I was wrapped up in this somehow.”

  “Well, you are, sort of.” She buried her face in his chest. “I’m furious with Matt for leaving our son with no father. I think he would’ve loved being a daddy.”

  Matt stroked her satiny hair. “With Tommy as his son, there’s no doubt he would’ve.”

  “When the Army presented my husband’s silver star and told me he’d volunteered for the mission that killed him, I wasn’t even proud. I was plain furious. He promised me he would play it safe. Do you have any idea how guilty I feel for being angry?”

  Shit. He’d brought this all upon himself? He deserved her fury.

  “You have every right to be pissed, Abby. Matt should have left playing the hero to someone else and brought himself home in one piece to you and your son.”

  “I’m also angry with him for spoiling other men for me and then leaving me to live the rest of my life alone.”

  Rolling her to her back, he gazed down into her face. “What do you mean he spoiled other men for you?”

  She chewed on her lip a moment, and her cheeks turned cotton candy pink. “Matt affected me like a spark around jet-fuel. All he had to do was get close, and I instantly ignited.”

  The color in her face deepened further, and she looked away. “Whenever he kissed me, I lifted off like a three-stage rocket. By the end of our lovemaking, I invariably whizzed right past the moon and ended up somewhere in the next galaxy.”

  “And with other men, what happens?”

  “Their kisses never even get me out of the atmosphere.” A little snort slipped out of her. “Heck, I’d be happy just to get off the ground.”

  It was music to his ears to hear no other guy had ever lit her fuse. She’d accused him of being on an ego trip that afternoon. If only she knew what her admission did for him. He brushed the hair back from her eyes and said softly, “I bet I could get you out of the atmosphere.”

  “My, aren’t we cocky.”

  “Not cocky. Just confident.”

  “Did I say something today about you lacking self-esteem?”

  He suppressed a smile. His self-image had just gotten on the express elevator and was lifted from the basement, straight to the roof. “Care to see if I’m right?”

  “I seriously doubt you’d affect me any differently than any other man.”

  “You don’t think so, huh?”

  “No, I don’t. It’s always the same. It’s a pleasant enough experience, a few little sparks sometimes, but nothing involving any real combustion or full-fledged flames.”

  “Oh, yeah? Prove it.”

  Her jaw dropped, and she looked at him strangely, going mute for a moment. “What’d you just say?”

  “I’m saying put your money where your mouth is.” He raised his eyebrows. “Or rather your mouth on mine.”

  “No. Didn’t you just say, prove it?”

  “Yeah. What’s the matter? Afraid I might be rig
ht?”

  “No. Matt said that exact same thing to me right before he kissed me the first time.”

  He was batting a thousand. Talk about history repeating itself. “What a coincidence. So what were you proving?”

  “Matt bet me I’d never really been kissed before.”

  He caressed the soft curve of her cheek. “So what happened?

  “He won. I told you we were a volatile combination.”

  “So how about it?” He cocked an eyebrow. “Are we going to settle this?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not about to kiss you.”

  Tracing her mouth with his fingertip, he searched the depths of her eyes. “Afraid to find out what you’ll feel?”

  Trembling, she pushed against his chest, trying to sit up. “Mac, this is really inappropriate. I’m getting married.”

  He pressed her back down, his lips hovering so close to hers he could feel their breaths mingling. “You’re only engaged, Sweetheart. It’s not as if I’m suggesting you sleep with me. All I’ve challenged you to is a simple kiss.”

  “What’s the point?”

  He locked his gaze on her lips. “You made the statement that no other man has ever gotten you off the ground. I say I can get you past the gravitational pull of the earth.”

  “And if you can, so what? You admitted yourself this morning it’s just lust. It’s meaningless.”

  He combed his fingers through her silky waves, arranging them neatly around her shoulders. “Oh, no. Lust is very important. Correct me if I’m mistaken, but wasn’t that what you were just mourning—the fact that no one else could light your fire the way your husband did?”

  “So what’ll it prove if you can?”

  “Maybe you’ll realize Robert isn’t enough for you.”

  Abby tore her gaze away. “We went through this earlier today, and I told you I was choosing the sure thing.”

  “How can you say you’re choosing anything? You’re making a completely uninformed decision. Why are you so afraid to find out if we’re, uhhh—combustible together? I’d think you’d want to know for sure before you tie yourself to a man who’ll keep you planted firmly on earth for the rest of your life.”

  She gnawed on her lip, and a wistful light filled her eyes. As always, the puffiness caused by her nervous chewing made her mouth look more succulent.

  He squashed the hunger her naked yearning inspired. If he kissed her and let himself get too caught up in her response, instead of proving how good it could be, they might land in bed prematurely. She would only end up angry and feeling seduced rather than consciously admitting how much she wanted him, too.

  “Ahh....” Matt bobbed his head in a long nod. “I get it. You’re afraid you’ll be discontent with the dentist if you find out there’s another man who can launch you into deep space.”

  ~~~

  Abby quaked at the shivery sensation that flooded her when Mac smiled. Maybe he’d hit the nail on the head. Perhaps she was afraid she’d become discontent. She’d already been off the ground with him once that morning without him even kissing her. How much of a stretch would it be for him to take her completely out of the atmosphere?

  Mac scanned her face and twirled a strand of her hair around his finger. Sliding his hand along the side of her neck, he stared into her eyes and gently stroked her throat with just a whisper of a caress.

  What was he doing? Certainly not kissing. This was touching. She took a deep breath and attempted to slow her breathing. Unfortunately, the longer he caressed her neck and shoulders, the faster she panted. She closed her eyes, reveling in his sensual touch. For a man who’d been out of the seduction game for as long as he’d been, he didn’t seem out of practice.

  He cupped her face and barely brushed her lips with the softest feather-light kiss. Her breath stalled.

  It was insane, letting him kiss her. But it’d been way too many years since she took a trip into space.

  She moaned softly and arched her back, pressing her aching breasts against Mac’s hard chest. He traced his tongue along her lips and slipped the tip between them, teasing them into parting. A light shiver rippled through her while his warm tongue took a leisurely tour of her mouth.

  Tangling his hands in her hair, he tenderly kissed his way along her cheek to her neck and back to her mouth, groaning his pleasure at each spot. “Oh, Abby, you taste too damn good.”

  He sucked gently on the pulse at the base of her neck, keeping time with her heartbeat and making every cell in her body dance to the rhythm.

  Letting her head fall back, she exposed the full column of her throat to Mac’s rapacious mouth. The hair on his face tickled her while he nibbled his way down to the base of her neck. She’d never kissed a man with a beard before. Maybe that was why he affected her like no other man since Matt.

  Heat flared between her thighs, and she squirmed against his solid body. Spreading her hands over his broad back, she pulled him closer. He sent her hurtling straight for the moon.

  Oh, no. It most definitely wasn’t his beard. When she closed her eyes, she would she’d swear she was kissing her husband—or at least her body responded the way it had to Matt. Of course, after so many years, it would be easy to imagine a similarity.

  He placed his lips back over hers and renewed his onslaught. She writhed beneath him, grabbing at his shoulders. He might not remember who he was, but evidently he hadn’t forgotten the art of seduction. He was very good at it.

  His mouth journeyed to her ear and nipped at its lobe. “Damn, I want you.”

  With each of his nibbles, her breaths came harder and faster. “You s-said just a simple kiss.”

  “I’m not doing anything else, Sweetheart.” He ran his tongue around the edge of her ear. “I just want you to know where I’d go from here if I hadn’t agreed to limit this to just kissing.”

  As he gently nipped her ear, she gasped. “What would you do?”

  “Right about now, I’d strip off your blouse and bra.” He scattered hot kisses over her face. “Then I’d tease your breasts until your nipples got so hard they’d ache for me to suck them.” He brushed her lips gently with his. “Only I wouldn’t.”

  Craning her neck, she reveled in the heavenly torture his mouth wreaked upon her throat and whimpered, “You wouldn’t?”

  His warm breath wafted over her skin while he kissed a path up the side of her neck. “Unh-uh, I’d lick them a little first until you begged me for more.”

  She moaned, thrashing her head. “I wouldn’t beg.”

  He breathed softly into her ear. “Wanna bet? We can expand this little experiment.”

  Abby shook her head while he sucked the base of her neck, sending her body arching up to him. His tongue trekked up her throat to her lips and traced the crease between them. Brushing her hair back, he whispered, “Where are you right now, Sweetheart? The earth, the moon....somewhere in between?”

  He was so cocksure of himself, she’d be damned if she’d give him the satisfaction of knowing he’d taken her much farther than just beyond the atmosphere. She poked Mac in the ribs and pouted. “None of your business.”

  “You won’t admit where you are.” He chuckled into her neck. “But I can guess. You’re just entering a lunar orbit.” He covered her mouth in a hot passion-filled kiss, leaving her breathless when his lips abandoned hers.

  “How do you know?” she asked, panting in his ear.

  “Because I’m right there with you,” he whispered, burying his face in her hair, his chest heaving. “You smell so good.” He pulled her tightly against his hard arousal. “I’m done simply kissing you, Abby. Unless you say otherwise, I plan to do a whole lot more—starting with getting you naked. It’s your call.”

  This was supposed to end here. Somehow the words to stop him wouldn’t come out of her mouth. Mac pushed her blouse up and cupped her breast, tweaking its crest through her bra and turning her already stiff peaks even stiffer. “They’re ready for more than just touching.”

&nbs
p; He was right. Her nipples were screaming for his mouth. Allowing him to kiss her neck was one thing, but letting Mac suck on her breasts was just wrong. Shoving him away, she yanked her blouse down and sat up, gasping for air.

  Closing his eyes, he drew a deep labored breath through his clenched teeth. “So I guess the sure thing still wins.”

  Chapter 11

  Abby looked away. What did Mac want from her? Did he think, because he could make every fiber of her body sing and get her to forget everything but the pleasure in his arms, she would abandon a relationship with a man who truly loved her?

  A hot wave of guilt swamped her. Rob deserved someone better than a fickle woman who couldn’t forget the heady exhilaration she’d once enjoyed in bed with a man she loved. Maybe she should consider ending things with him—even if a relationship with Mac was totally out of the question.

  Oh, Lord, if only Rob could make her melt the way Mac did.

  But it wasn’t his fault her desire was so misplaced. This was completely about her wanting it all in one man. She’d already had that. She couldn’t expect to find it twice in one lifetime.

  She pushed herself up from the bed. “You didn’t honestly think the outcome of a kiss would change my feelings for Rob, did you?”

  “No, I suppose not.” He dropped his gaze to the homey appliqué and names she’d embroidered on the quilt and then glared pointedly at the picture on the night table. “It’s obvious how loyal you are. Are you sure Rob’s my real competition?”

  It was a question she refused to answer—at least for him. All his kiss had accomplished was to make her question her own moral fiber and values. She didn’t really know what she wanted anymore. Shouldn’t she be worrying more about what she had in common with Rob than about the lack of sparks between them? In thirty or forty years, when her physical needs waned, wouldn’t those things be more important than passion?

  “Damn it. Who am I trying to kid?” Mac swiped his fingers through his silver-laced hair. “Yes, I hoped this would change things. I thought after you saw how good it could be between us, you’d realize you need to postpone your wedding to give us time to figure out what our attraction means.”