by Nikki Steele
“Libby? Are you in there?” I froze again, and this time all of the food I’d just eaten threatened to come back up. It was Jax. What the hell did he want with me? Why did he have to twist the knife? I took a deep breath, waiting for the nausea to pass, determined to ignore him. But then my phone, sitting on the counter, began to ring.
“I hear your phone ringing. I know you’re home! Please, Libby, we need to talk!”
My eyes narrowed. I wiped my mouth with a napkin and went to the door. “I don’t ever want to speak to you again,” I said, opening it just enough to speak through. Even that small part of him I could see made my heart hurt. I looked back to the food, eager to dull the pain again.
He sounded angry. “It’s all lies Libby. Let me in, I have to explain.”
Like hell it was all lies—I still had the paper, sitting on the kitchen counter. “Go away.” I shut the door in his face.
I heard something scrabble in the lock, then the door opened of its own accord. Jax stood framed against the bright light, holding up a key. “I own the mountain, remember?”
I crossed my arms. “I don’t want to talk to you.”
“Libby, I need to explain.” He looked at me. “Please?”
I sighed. I wanted nothing less than to hear his lies right now, but I’d hear him out—and then give him a piece of my mind. I stepped aside and I let him in.
He took two steps into the cabin before the sight of the spread on the counter caught his eye. His shoulders slumped, then he turned to me. “Oh, Libby,” he whispered. “What are you doing to yourself?”
* * *
I was so angry and ashamed that he had caught me at the start of my binge, but I hid it under righteous fury. “What do you have to say for yourself?” I demanded, slamming the neatly folded newspaper down before him.
“A lot more truth than what’s in that paper,” he said through clenched teeth. “When I’m done here, I plan to have a word with the editor about journalistic integrity.”
I laughed bitterly. “Integrity? That’s rich.” I opened the paper, though it hurt to see those images again. “How do you explain the photos, then?”
“It’s just not true. Any of it—it’s all a case of conclusions being jumped to.”
“That’s very convenient,” I remarked.
“It’s also the truth!”
I snorted and looked away.
He sighed. “Libby, we’ve shared so much. Do you really think I would cheat on you?”
I could feel the tears starting to well once more. “I don’t want to. But how can I trust anything you say? There’s photos.”
His hand went to my chin, lifting it. “Look me in the eyes, then tell me you can’t.”
Our eyes met—his strong, and determined; mine, red and bloodshot. I’d looked into those eyes before. They were eyes that loved me for who I was. They were eyes that saw through the lies I wrapped around myself. They were eyes that cared for me, deeply.
I wanted to trust him, so badly. And as I stared into those eyes, I found suddenly that I could. Whatever the explanation, he would tell me. “So what really happened?” I said, quietly. My anger was fading, like a fire that had burned its course. It wasn’t extinguished yet though—with the next words would come either fuel, or water.
Jax looked embarrassed, like he didn’t know what to say. He moved us over to sit on the couch. “Okay, listen, just promise me that you won’t get upset with Erica,” he said.
A bitter laugh escaped my lips.
“Guess that’s not gonna happen,” he murmured.
“Nope. Not if you felt as though you needed to say that to me in the first place.”
“All right. Well, Erica did come to my house last night; I have no idea where she got the address.”
“Uh huh,” I said. I knew all this. I was still waiting for the ball to drop.
His eyes got angry. “She was there with one thing in mind.” He stood, and began to pace. “I let her in out of respect for you. But then she threw herself at me! She’s desperate, and I think she sees me as her last chance. She’s been winning for so long that I honestly don’t think she saw me as anything but a tool in her arsenal. It was what she had to do in order to win, at any cost.”
“I see,” I whispered. So that was it. She’d tried to betray me after all. “And… what did you do?” I knew already he hadn’t slept with her. But I needed to hear him say it.
“I kicked her out, of course.” He looked me in the eyes. “Libby, what she did was terrible. But… I think she needs help. She didn’t take leaving very well.”
I shook my head—the anger inside me finally flaring, but this time at a new target. “I’m tired of making excuses for her bad behavior,” I growled. “I cook, I clean, I give up my life for her, and this is how she repays me?” I threw my hands in the air. “Argh!” I screamed. It was with effort that I brought the anger back under control
“So you turned her down?” I asked.
“I did. Flat.”
“And that’s it?”
He nodded. I mulled this over.
“I had no idea there were photographers around, of course,” he added. “I guess they were following her, since I heard she lost yesterday and all.”
I looked at him. “You heard? You mean you didn’t know already?”
“I wasn’t in town,” he said, evasiveness entering his voice. “I’ve been out of town since the day we got back from Nebraska.”
My eyes widened. “So you were in another State, for all this time?” So that’s why he hadn’t called.
He shook his head. “Actually, I was out of the country. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I wanted it to be a surprise.”
I looked at him curiously. “What?”
He broke into a grin. An excited look entered his eyes. “Well, I was planning on coming here to see you today anyway. Granted, it was supposed to be under better circumstances…”
There was a sudden knock at the door. We both looked up, to find Erica standing hesitant in the doorframe. “Libby?”
She was still dressed in in the same tight red dress I’d seen in the front page photos. Only now, it was crinkled and worn. She had mascara rings under her eyes like a raccoons, and her hair was matted and messy. She looked exhausted.
Her gaze moved from Jax to myself. “I’ll come back later,” she whispered.
Jax stood. “No. I’ll go. You two have things to talk about.” He looked to me, then took my hand. “I’ll come visit tonight, after the trials. I still have to tell you that news.”
I nodded. He kissed me, and then walked past Erica without a word.
I looked at her. She looked at me. And then she slumped down into the couch, and burst into tears.
Chapter 5
“Eri?” I asked, straightening. She looked like hell. I wanted to be mad at her, but… “What happened to you?”
“I’m sorry—I didn’t get much sleep,” she said. Her voice was flat, low.
“Too busy trying to pick up other people’s boyfriends?” I asked harshly.
Rears rolled down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry. I… went to his house, and then after, I needed time to think… but then this morning, the paper.” Her words came out in garbled sobs.
Eventually, I moved onto the couch beside her. “Would you like a cup of tea?”
She nodded gratefully. “Yes please.” I raised my eyebrows. She must really be upset—she’d actually used her manners with me.
By the time the tea was brewed, Erica had calmed down. She surprised me by getting off the couch to collect it, rather than having me bring it to her.
“Thanks,” she murmured, red eyed. I could have dropped dead of shock right then and there; first she fetched her own food, then she thanked me for it? Something had changed in her last night. I decided to put my anger aside.
I made my own cup and carried it, along with a muffin for us each into the living room. I joined my sister on the sofa. “So… you want tell me what happened?�
� I asked, sipping my tea and picking at the crumb topping of the muffin.
She shrugged, her eyes downcast. “Well, I guess you already know that I went to Stephen’s last night.”
I nodded, silent. I waited to see how she would spin this.
“I… well, there’s not much to say. I was an idiot.”
“You certainly were.”
“And… and I’m sorry.”
I raised my eyebrows. I could count on the fingers of one hand how many times Erica had apologized to me in her life. They were small words, but huge ones for Erica.
“I went over there, hoping I could… well, I was desperate,” she admitted. She stared down at her lap, picking at the muffin, putting little pieces of it into her mouth. “I tried to do something really stupid.”
“And what happened?” I asked, after she drifted into silence.
She looked up at me, her eyes red and watery. “He really likes you,” she said, and she smiled through her tears. “I mean, a lot.”
I couldn’t help smiling back. “What makes you say that?”
“Because he gave me a massive lecture about how amazing you are, and how I’ve been taking advantage of you for too long.”
My eyebrows shot up. He hadn’t told me about that part of the conversation. “Sounds like you deserved it.”
“I know,” she said. She took a sip of tea. “This is really good, by the way.”
“Thanks,” I replied automatically, lost in thought. So he’d given her grief over how she treated me. Was that why she was acting so meek and agreeable? It occurred to me, suddenly, that it was probably the first time she’d ever been told off in her life. Could something like that change a person?
“Seriously, he went on for like, half an hour. When he was done, I was so ashamed I couldn’t even come back here.”
“Oh, Eri,” I said, heart thawing. “You shouldn’t have done that. I was worried sick.”
She shook her head. “It wasn’t until I saw that paper this morning… well, I knew what you must be thinking, and I wanted to make sure you knew it wasn’t Stephen—that it was all my fault.”
Her eyes began to tear up once more. “You must hate me so much.” I could tell she was being genuine.
I looked at her, considering. She was my kid sister, and I’d spent all my life caring for her. I wanted to be mad, so much, but… “I don’t hate you,” I said finally. “I think you’re a silly fool who’s made a really big mistake, but I don’t hate you—really, I don’t.”
“Even though you know I tried to seduce him?” she asked. “I would hate me for sure.”
I sighed. “I can’t pretend I’m not hurt that you would try something like that. When I saw the newspaper…” I looked to the kitchen bench. “I just about lost it.”
Erica followed my gaze. She made a small, strangled noise when she saw the mountain of food piled atop it; she knew how much I had struggled with binge eating in the past. Now she knew for sure how badly she’d hurt me.
“I couldn’t believe that you would do something like that to me, not when you must have known it would hurt me so much.”
“I wasn’t thinking about you, Lib,” she muttered. “I was only thinking about me. My chances—my dreams.” She looked me in the eyes. “I guess it took an outsider to help me see.”
I hesitated, but then decided if she was opening up, I should do the same. “Me, too,” I admitted. “Once I started seeing myself through Jax’s eyes, many things became clearer.”
She looked at me with trepidation. “Was it me that made you first start binge eating?”
Even now the memories were painful. I looked away.
That hesitation was the only confirmation she needed. “I’m so sorry.”
“I love you. You’re my sister. That trumps everything else.”
“I don’t see how it can,” she insisted, staring off out the window.
“Oh, climb off the cross and give me a break, Eri,” I said. She looked surprised, but I laughed. “If I’m honest, the food thing wasn’t entirely your fault. It didn’t help, but I had a lot more issues than that. I’ve been hiding who I really am for a long time.” I looked at her from under lidded eyes. “Jax has been helping me with that.”
She smiled hesitantly. “I bet he has. That look I saw in his eyes when we were at the house, I’m surprised he didn’t…” she paused as she saw me blush. “Oh my god, he did!” she said, sitting up straighter.
I cleared my throat uncomfortably. “Yes. Well. On other topics, are you going to race today?”
Erica sighed. “I kind of have to.”
“You do if you want to make the Olympic team.”
She shook her head. “It’s Mom and Dad. They’ve wanted this for me ever since I was nine. The pressure I feel every time I compete—I don’t know if I can take it anymore.”
I raised my eyebrows. I’d never heard her speak like this before.
“Their every hope and dream is pinned on me, sis,” she continued. “If I fail, it’s not just me, you know? It’s them, too. If I don’t win, they’ve wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars. I’ve always envied you—they didn’t expect that from you.”
“You reminded me of that a long time ago,” I said.
She winced, and then looked at me hesitantly. “I… I was jealous of you.”
“Of me?”
“Yes. You didn’t have the pressure I had. But more than that… you had a life. You’re good at more than just one thing. I ski. It’s what I do. Meanwhile you have friends; I didn’t have time for friends. You had other interests and talents. You’re so good at baking! You got good grades, and you had a job and your own money. You lived an actual life. All I did was ski. And that was all anybody ever wanted to talk to me about. It’s a very narrow world.”
Had she been jealous of me this entire time? Finally, I felt like I was starting to understand her. “You’re Mom and Dad’s world,” I said suddenly. “You’re all they care about. I tried so hard to get them to pay attention to me; my therapist said it’s one of the other reasons I started binge eating. I felt invisible. I still do, sometimes.”
She looked at me hesitantly. “What’s going to happen next?” she asked. “I mean, with him being on the committee, and you being my sister. I could stand up and say I haven’t been influenced, I guess?” She hesitated. “Or if I didn’t race, that wouldn’t be a problem.”
I sighed. “That wouldn’t fix anything. We live so far away from each other, and if you weren’t racing I’d have no reason to come visit him.” Then I patted her hand. “Right now, why don’t you just get some sleep? We’ll work it out when you wake up.”
Her shoulders tensed. “I’ve got to race.”
“Erica,” I said. “If you want to race, do it. But do it for yourself.”
“But Mom and Dad…”
I shook my head. “What you don’t realize, is this. Mom and Dad love you. They’ve spent money on you, yes. And they want you to win, too. But they do both because they care, not because they want a trophy. They do it because they think it will make you happy. If it doesn’t, just tell them.” I smiled. “If they can love an overweight baker, then they sure as hell will love their skinny, beautiful other daughter when she tells them it’s time to move on with the rest of her life.”
“You really think so?”
“I know so. You’re the best damn skier I’ve ever known, Erica. But that doesn’t mean to say you always have to do things to win.”
A smile crept to her lips. “I do like to win though.”
“That you do.”
“And I am a pretty good skier, aren’t I?”
“That, you are.”
“It would be a shame to get this far, and not at least try for the Olympic team, wouldn’t it?”
I laughed. “That’s your choice, and your choice only. But I think if you did it, you’d have a good chance.” I reached out to her and placed my hand over hers. “You’re my sister. I believe in you.”
She smiled as she stood. “And you’re my sister. Today, I’m going to race for you.”
Chapter 6
I was over the moon; thrilled to pieces. Jax hadn’t cheated on me. And now Erica had won her trials—she’d made it into the Olympic team
It had been amazing to watch. Erica had skied like a demon, the commentators standing up in their seats as they screamed in astonishment. Erica had been a different woman on the slopes today. Strong, proud, determined. No-one would have believed the tale of a mascara ringed raccoon crying on my couch just a few hours earlier.
They had interviewed her when the results came in. She’d reached into the crowd and pulled me up on stage too. “This is the woman that got me here,” she’d said proudly. I’d grabbed her and we’d both started crying. Eventually the cameras pulled away.
My humming filling the kitchen as I baked blueberry muffins. Erica wouldn’t be home until later—she was out celebrating, but I’d wanted to do something special. Our chat had re-invigorated me. I had the feeling that we’d turned some sort of corner.
I mixed together flour and sugar, salt and baking powder, then added an egg, milk and oil. I understood where she came from now. I folded in beautiful fresh blueberries, then poured the batter into a muffin pan, and slid it into the oven. Jax had turned her down, and it had switched on something important inside.
Jax. He’d be here soon. I dashed upstairs and reapplied my makeup. I was energized all over again. He was coming to visit me. It was hard to believe that I’d been so distraught earlier.
When the knock sounded on the door, I bounded down the stairs two at a time.
“You’re in a good mood today,” he said, laughing.
I threw myself into his arms. “And you didn’t use your key. Come in.”
“I heard about your sister’s trials. Congratulations.”
A timer went off. I ran over to pull muffins from the oven. “Yes about that,” I called as I put them on a tray to cool. “Weren’t you supposed to be judging? I didn’t see you there.”