by Erin Noelle
BELIEF—GAVIN DEGRAW
CLARITY—ZEDD
BLURRED LINES—ROBIN THICKE (FEAT. T.I. & PHARELL)
SCARLETT
I honestly wasn’t sure what reaction I expected from Ash when I told him about Max. For a split second, his body stiffened and his hand stopped rubbing my back, but just as quickly as he froze, he resumed his comforting of me, and actually pulled me tighter to his body.
“It’s okay, Scarlett. It’s gonna be okay,” he reassured me as he kissed the top of my head.
I didn’t offer any other information and he didn’t ask. I must’ve fallen back asleep shortly thereafter because the next thing I remembered was waking up to the sun shining brightly through the window. I groaned and went to roll over only to find my legs completely tangled in Ash’s and his arms still tightly around my waist. I was torn between wanting to stay exactly where I was and rising to face the reality that waited for me.
Knowing that I really needed to get up and make some phone calls, I managed to slip out of his grasp without waking him up. I made my way to the bathroom to get ready for the day and downstairs to try and find a phone that I could use. Crys was standing in the kitchen when I walked in, fighting with the coffee maker.
“Good morning,” I greeted her.
Spinning around flustered, she smiled at me. “Morning, Scarlett. Did you sleep okay?”
“Yes, I slept just fine, thank you,” I replied.
“Want to join me for a cup of coffee before Will and the boys get up? This is my thirty minutes of peace that I get each morning, so I normally sit out on the back porch and enjoy a little fresh air.”
I joined her at the counter to add the embarrassing amounts of cream and sugar that I fancied in my coffee and then followed her to the chairs on the back porch. The weather was much cooler than I had expected, and I tucked my legs up under my t-shirt as we sat there enjoying the silence that the early morning offered.
“You’ve let your hair grow out,” Crys said after several minutes.
Instinctively putting my hands in my hair when she made the comment, I looked at her questioningly. “Yeah, I have. How did you know?”
“Well it’s quite a bit longer from the first time I saw you, even in just a couple of months . . .”
“Wait, when have you seen me before?” I interrupted.
“The night you came back to Houston. I was at the bar with Ash. It was the day that we helped my mom move into her new place, and we had gone out for a few beers so that we could relax after the emotionally draining day,” she answered.
Thinking back to the night I had returned just a few months prior, I quickly replayed the events of that night, and realized that the girl that Ash had greeted off stage wasn’t just another one of his blondes, it was Crys.
“Ahhh . . . yeah . . .” I could only assume that she probably wasn’t the biggest fan of mine after that first impression.
She laughed at my lack of words. “It’s okay Scarlett. I didn’t like you so much that night, but I get it. You were doing what you thought was the right thing for you at the time. I can’t fault that.”
I simply nodded and gave her a small smile. “Yeah . . . too bad I was wrong,” I muttered.
Just then, Ash came walking out the French doors to join us, still in his pajama pants and his hair a ruffled mess. “What are you two talking about out here?”
“We were discussing the national debt bro. We’ve just about got it figured out ,” Crys answered sarcastically as she stood up. “I’ll grab you a cup of coffee.”
Ash sat down in her chair as she disappeared back into the house. I was scared to look him in the eye after my revelation the previous night. I fully expected him to be completely disgusted with me after having time to think about what I had done.
“Butterfly, just stop with all of the crazy thoughts running through your head right now. As much as what you said last night breaks my heart, I just want to help build you back up, not tear you down any further,” he said softly as he looked in my direction.
Meeting his gaze with mine, I smiled meekly. “I don’t even know where to start. I just feel empty inside. I don’t know where to go . . . who to talk to . . . I was gonna call Mina and my mom but then I remembered I don’t even know their numbers.”
“Scarlett, stop. Just relax. You will figure it all out, you just need to take a step back,” he said just as his sister rejoined us. She handed him a cup of coffee and sat down in one of the other patio chairs. Turning to her, he continued, “Crys, I think we are gonna go out for a drive today. I want to take Scarlett to see the canyon and then we’ll probably head to the beach. You mind if we take the Jeep?”
“No, of course not. It’s in the garage. I think we are staying here for the day, Will has several items on his “honey-do” list to check off,” she said laughing. “Make sure you both take a jacket, the wind off the water is pretty chilly.”
“Ok. We’ll leave here in just a bit. I’d like to beat the car clubs out so we aren’t stuck in a bunch of traffic on PCH,” he replied and then looked at me and asked, “Is that good with you?”
I nodded as I took the last drink of my coffee, “I’m ready when you are. I just need to grab my hoodie and tennis shoes.”
Ash stood up, taking his cup with him, and said, “Give me ten.” He disappeared back into the house as both Crys and I both watched him walk away. I stood up to follow but before I got to the door, she spoke.
“Scarlett, I hope that you figure out whatever it is that you’ve got going on. I know the last year hasn’t been easy on you, but it hasn’t been easy on him either. You are both very vulnerable right now. You can help each other, but you can also destroy each other. Be careful.”
I didn’t turn around to respond as the tears pooled in my eyes. I simply nodded and continued walking into the house. Forgetting my woes for a moment, my heart broke for him as I wondered what had happened in their family in the last year. She had mentioned earlier that she had been in Houston to help their mom get her own place, so I assumed his parents had gotten divorced, but wondered if there was more to the story.
Regaining my composure, I rinsed out my mug and went upstairs to grab my things for the day trip. Ash was coming out of the room just as I hit the landing, and I couldn’t help but be reminded of how good-looking he was. He flashed me his beautiful smile and my stomach fluttered despite the fact I tried hard to be immune to his charm.
“Meet ya downstairs Butterfly,” he said as he passed by me.
I quickly found what I needed in my suitcase and joined him in the kitchen several minutes later. He had keys in hand, ready to go, so I followed him out the back door, off to hopefully find some clarity.
ASH
Hearing Scarlett say that she had sex with Max literally stole the breath from my lungs. That was definitely not anything close to what I was expecting her to say. I had assumed that her jack ass boyfriend had cheated on her, which I figured was only a matter of time once he had moved away. But to hear those words come out of her mouth . . . it was just fucking awful . . . for everyone involved.
I tried to put aside my personal feelings of disappointment and anger; no guy ever wants to hear that the girl he’s in love with fucked someone else. Period. And I didn’t really give a shit that she had cheated on Mason, but with Max? I didn’t know the guy all that well, but the few times I had met him he seemed like a pretty cool cat. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how he felt when Evie died or how he had managed over the last year. Surely the anniversary of her death was weighing heavy on him, and he was probably desperate to feel loved and wanted.
But Scarlett . . . my poor Butterfly . . . what was she thinking? What had happened? I wanted to ask her so badly, but I didn’t want to pressure her and push her away. I could only imagine the personal torture she was putting herself through. I had caught her a few times at dinner the night before, relaxing and letting go for a bit as she joked around with my sister’s family, but then a pained expression would steal
her smile and I knew she was thinking about whatever was troubling her. I just had no idea what it was exactly.
I hoped a day out driving and some fresh California air would at least help her forget for a little bit. I knew I needed it as well because I had been tense as fuck since she had called. When I had left the book and note on her car, I really hadn’t expected to hear from her. I had thought with the whole Evie one year thing that she would probably be struggling, and that book had helped me find solace and support during the rough family times I had gone through recently. But to hear from her that very night, and then less than twenty four hours later, to have her at my sister’s house on the West Coast, was just pure craziness. I wasn’t sure what it all meant, or if it would lead to anything at all, I just knew that I had to take advantage of the time I had with her. I had laid out my feelings for her that day in the music shop, she knew where I stood, and I wasn’t going to push her on that. She needed an escape, she needed someone to talk to that wouldn’t judge her, she needed a true friend . . . and I had vowed to myself the day I hurt her, that I would be there if she ever needed me again.
After we were both settled in the Jeep, I turned to her and cupped her face in my hands, forcing her to look me in the eye. “I’m not gonna pretend that I’m happy about what you told me, but I want to try and understand why you did it. I’m not gonna judge you cause God knows that I’ve made some pretty awful decisions, but maybe if you told me the whole story, I could give you some helpful insight or advice. You don’t have to, but I just think it might help you feel better to get it off your chest.” She sighed and closed her eyes, clearly in agony over the whole thing. I kissed her forehead and released her cheeks from my grasp. “Whenever you’re ready Butterfly.” I started the engine, backed out of the driveway, and headed to Malibu Canyon.
Neither of us said anything for the first twenty minutes of the drive, but it was a comfortable silence. We just listened to the radio, I sang along to the songs that I knew, and she watched the scenery passing out of the window. When the latest Robin Thicke hit, Blurred Lines, came on, I naturally sang along with the catchy lyrics and even started dancing in my seat a little bit. I saw her try to sneak a peek at me out of her sunglasses and hide the smile threatening her lips. Seeing her face light up fueled the obnoxiousness of my performance, so I went all out as I sang the song for her.
A few seconds later she gave in and turned to watch me make a fool out of myself. I had pretended not to notice that she was paying attention, keeping my focus forward as I bopped up and down in my seat singing as loud as I could. At the part where he says, “You the hottest bitch in this place,” I abruptly turned to her and yelled it with a ridiculous look on my face. She couldn’t hold it in any longer, she fell over laughing. I tried to continue on, but couldn’t help but join her in hysterics after asking her “What rhymes with hug me?”
It wasn’t until the song was over that we were both able to sit upright and breathe normally without cracking up again. I looked over at her with a forced serious face and she nodded back at me with a similar expression, acknowledging that we were over it.
“You know that doesn’t make sense?” she blurted out. “Fuck me doesn’t even rhyme with hug me.”
That was all it took to get us going again. We spent the rest of the trip laughing and coming up with phrases that rhymed with hug me. Seeing her content and carefree during those moments filled my heart with joy. That was the Scarlett that I had missed, the Scarlett that I wanted back.
When we got to one of the top lookout points, I pulled the jeep over and parked it so we could get out and walk out to see the Pacific Ocean. Luckily, there wasn’t any fog that early in the morning, and we had a clear view of the beach and water. We stood side by side, soaking in the beauty of the landscape.
“It makes me feel so small,” she whispered.
Instinctively, I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer to me. I had an overwhelming need to take care of her that surprised even me sometimes. “Why do you say that?”
“Because it’s so big . . . It just reminds me of how insignificant my little self is on this big planet. There’s billions of people that live here, each of them has their own problems, their own worries.” She leaned her head against my shoulder and continued, “Sometimes I get so caught up in myself and what’s going on with me, that I forget the big picture. You know that until you said something, I hadn’t even realized that Tuesday is the one year for Evie. I mean how could I not even have realized that? What kind of person have I become? I fucking slept with the love of her life less than a week before that!” She twisted out of my grasp as her voice continued to get louder and louder throughout her rant.
“Scarlett, we all get lost in ourselves, stop beating yourself up,” I tried to reason with her.
“Did you fuck your best friend’s. . . .” she stopped mid-thought and snorted. “Never mind, I’m asking the wrong person when it’s appropriate to fuck other people.” She turned around and began to stomp toward the car.
“That’s fair!” I yelled at her and she stopped walking but kept her back to me. “I know I fucked up Scarlett, and if you want to talk about it, I’m more than happy to. I’ve had to live with the guilt and hurt for the last year too, and I thought we had gotten all of our feelings about this out, but if you want to revisit it, we can. I don’t think that’s gonna make you feel any better about the situation you’re in right now though. I’m here to try to help you in any way possible because I love you and it kills me to see you in pain. All I want for you is to find happiness, even if it costs me mine.”
Slowly she began to turn around, and I prepared myself for her to lash out once she was facing me, but instead she walked up to me and looped her arms around my neck in a tight hug. I wrapped my arms around her waist and picked her up off the ground, holding her against me securely.
“Let’s go sit on the beach and I’ll tell you everything,” she whispered.
RECONNECTING
COME UNDONE—MY DARKEST DAYS
COLLIDE (ACOUSTIC VERSION)—HOWIE DAY
NOTHING—THE SCRIPT
SCARLETT
Telling Ash everything from the first time I met Bentley up until the time I called him to come and get me was like lifting a huge weight off of my shoulders. I didn’t feel any better about the situation or my decisions, but I felt so relieved to have just told someone about it. He sat looking at the waves crashing on the shore and listened to the entire story without saying a word, so when I finished, I had no idea what to expect him to say.
“Butterfly, how do you view yourself?”
“What do you mean? About what I’ve done?” I asked disgusted.
“No, in general, you as a person,” he answered as he twisted to face me. “Who are you? What do you want in life? What makes you happy?”
“I don’t know . . .” As I thought about the questions, I realized that I really didn’t have a good response. “Music makes me happy. Friends make me happy.” I looked down at the sand where I had been nervously tracing designs with my fingers and toes. “Sand makes me happy,” I joked trying to lighten the conversation.
He sat looking as if he was contemplating a serious thought. “Well, than you should be Jimmy Buffet when you grow up,” he said unable to keep a straight face.
“Shut up! Ass!” I laughed as I pushed him in the shoulder making him lose his balance and fall into the sand.
He sat up and acted like he was going to do the same to me but instead grabbed my elbow and pulled me closer to him. Being around him just for the previous two days had me remembering how much I had missed the time we had spent hanging out together.
“Seriously, Scarlett. You really need to figure out the answers to those questions. I’ve had to do a lot of growing up over the last year, and I realized that I had to focus on living my life the way I wanted to. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be selfish, but you can’t let others dictate your happiness. Like Aristotle said
‘Happiness depends on ourselves.’”
“You’re always so philosophical,” I whined.
“It what happens when you study it in school,” he retorted jokingly. “Maybe you should listen to some of it though, most people think those guys were pretty smart for a reason.”
“Yeah, yeah. I know. I’ve gotta figure out what in the world I’m gonna do. I need to talk to Mason, Max, Mina, everybody really. There’s not much I can resolve until I do that. I learned that months after Evie died and I ran away. I wished so badly that I had at least said goodbye to all of you. I wished that I had given you a chance to say whatever you wanted to say. And I felt so guilty about giving Mase my virginity and then disappearing on him . . .” The words came out of my mouth before I even realized it.
“What did you just say?” Ash interrupted. His face was stone cold serious.
“What do you mean?” I squeaked.
“You just said that you slept with Mason and then disappeared on him? So the night that you came to my house, you gave him your virginity? Fuck Scarlett, please tell me you didn’t just say that.”
Not sure how to respond, I just sat there quietly. He ran his fingers through his hair while shaking his head back and forth.
“After you came to my house, you went over there, didn’t you?!?” The anger was evident in his voice. “Tell me the truth Scarlett.”
“Yes.”
“Fuuccckkk!!” He growled. I could see his jaw grinding back and forth so I reached up and gently placed my palm on his cheek. He stopped immediately, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He turned his face into my hand, kissing my palm. “I’m so sorry Butterfly.”
“I know. Me too.”
We spent another thirty minutes or so at the beach, but didn’t talk any more about that night or my issues with Mason and Max. We changed the conversation to music and new songs that we had learned to play. Talking about playing guitar made me miss it and made me miss playing with Ash. From the first time we had hung out, there was always something about him that made me want to be the best person I could be. It always amazed me how incredibly intelligent he was, not to mention the musical and artistic talents that he had, and he hid it all behind messy, long hair and flip flops.