by Erin Noelle
I grabbed the stool sitting on the side of the stage and we played our version of Let Her Go once again. However, at the end of the song, Sebastian played a bass line that led us straight into the next. During that time, I looked down at Scarlett and said, “I hope you always know.” Then I poured my heart out into the last song of the night.
Dark and dirty I couldn’t find my way out
Shiny and white you never had any doubt
Together a mess that could only be made in Heaven
So can you tell me where my Heaven went
Whose bright idea was it to let her go
Can you tell me where my Heaven went
My biggest fear is that she’ll never know
Lost and confused it was you that I feared
Eager and ready you allowed me to steer
Together a mess that could only be made in Heaven
So can you tell me where my Heaven went
Whose bright idea was it to let her go
Can you tell me where my Heaven went
My biggest fear is that she’ll never know
An angel and a devil that fell in love
Chaos created and it fit like a glove
Together a mess that could only be created in Heaven
So can you tell me where my Heaven went
Whose bright idea was it to let her go
Can you tell me where my Heaven went
My biggest fear is that she’ll never know
My biggest fear is that she’ll never know
She’ll never know that I loved her so
A thunderous roar of applause accompanied by a standing ovation followed the last note of the song. We took our bows and ran off the stage straight into our dressing room. I felt higher in that moment than I ever had on any drug; it was out of this world. We took a few minutes alone as a band, to both calm down and exchange some serious man-love. Then we opened the door to the frenzy of people waiting for us. I cut through the crowd of mostly females pawing and pulling at me, looking for one person. As soon as my eyes found her, I could feel my heart beat again and I remembered to breathe.
I ran up to her and scooped her in my arms, hugging her so tightly I may have bruised her ribs. I could feel her crying on my shoulder, and I only prayed they were happy tears. I sat her back on her feet and looked in her eyes, “Why are you crying, Angel?”
She smiled through her tears, “I’m just so proud of you. You were fucking amaze-balls, Hotpants.”
I threw my head back, laughing, “Did you just say fucking and balls, both in the same sentence? And call me Hotpants?”
She giggled and nodded hard. “I think I did. All of this debauchery in Sin City must be wearing off on me,” she joked.
Shaking my head, I put my arm around her shoulders and looked around for the rest of the gang. Standing off about ten feet were Marcus, Max, and Andi. I ran over and hugged each one of them, thanking them again for coming. Then I told all of them to follow me back to the room where they were having the after-party.
A few hours later, I was completely wiped out and all I wanted was to go to sleep. I looked around for the rest of the band and my friends and family and said good night to each of them. The party was still in full swing with the alcohol flowing and bodies grinding against each other in the middle of the dance floor, but I had no reservations at all about retreating to my room to get some much needed rest. As I was making my way to the door, I saw Scarlett standing and talking to one of the producers. I didn’t much care if it was rude or not, I grabbed her hand and asked if I could talk to her for a minute. She politely excused herself from the guy and followed me out of the room.
“I just wanted to thank you again for being here. I know I’ve said it a gazillion times, but it really means a lot. I’ve missed you.” I looked down at her wrist and saw the charm bracelet. I grinned and looked back up at her. “Did you like it?”
“Are you kidding? It’s one of the best things I’ve ever been given; I know you put so much thought into it.” She pushed up on her tiptoes and kissed me on the cheek. “Thank you for not just the bracelet, but for all of today. It’s been an amazing experience.”
“I’m actually headed to my room, I’m exhausted. Are you gonna stay down here a while longer?” I asked.
“Nah, I’m pretty tired too. I’ll head that way as well. It’s already after two and my plane leaves at eleven in the morning.”
“I’ll walk you to your room to make sure you get there safely,” I said without giving her an option. I put my hand on the small of her back and walked us toward the elevators.
Once we made it to her door, I did my best not to get emotional, but damn if it wasn’t hard. I knew that we’d still text and stuff, but since I was going to be on the road for the next several months, I didn’t know when I’d see her again. I circled my arms around her waist and pulled her close to me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and held me just as tight. We stayed like that for several minutes before pulling away.
“Goodnight, Angel. Let me know that you made it home tomorrow,” I said before turning around and heading back to the elevator.
“Mase,” she called out. I turned around, half hoping she’s ask me to stay but half hoping she wouldn’t ask me to make that decision. My eyes caught hers, and she smiled so brightly that the hall lit up. “Never worry that I don’t know; I’ve always known.” She then slid her key card and disappeared behind the door.
SCARLETT
Once I slipped into my room, I immediately kicked my shoes off and stripped out of my dress. I didn’t even bother putting my pajamas on; I just climbed into the lush bed in my panties, collapsing face first into the feathery softness. As I slid my arm under the pillow, one of the charms on the bracelet caught on the sheet, reminding me that I need to take it off. I unhooked the clasp and reached across the bed to lay it on the nightstand. It was then that I noticed the seventeen missed calls and texts on my phone.
Snatching it up quickly, I scrolled through it noting that the first few calls were from a number that I didn’t recognize, but all of the subsequent calls and texts were from Crys. I listened to the first message and my heart stopped beating. I didn’t even bother listening to the rest; I immediately called Crys back, I didn’t care what time it was.
“Scarlett, oh thank God,” she answered the phone. I could instantly tell she had been crying.
“What’s wrong, Crys? What happened? Where’s Ash” I asked frantically.
“I need you to come home as soon as possible, Scarlett. You’re in Vegas, right?”
“Yes, I came for Jobu’s Rum opening show. Why? What happened? Where is Ash?” I asked again, my voice getting more demanding.
“I’ll explain everything when you get here. I’ve already looked at flights for you and the earliest one out of there is at six fifteen,” she paused for a minute and I could hear her talking to people in the background but the sound was muffled. “So that’s just in a few hours from now. When you get back, go to your apartment and we’ll meet you there.”
“No!” I screamed. “Tell me right now what is going on! You can’t just leave me like this for the next few hours. Obviously something has happened to Ash, and damn it, I deserve to know what I’m coming home to!” My entire body was shaking with fear. I knew if she wasn’t telling me, it must be bad. Mentally, I had already started preparing for the worst. Maybe he had a bad car crash and broke some bones or had a head injury . . .
“Scarlett, I don’t want to do this over the phone. Try to calm down and I will see you in a few hours,” she said calmly.
“Tell. Me. Now.” I demanded through gritted teeth.
She let out a long sigh and then I heard her start crying. “He’s gone, Scarlett. He’s gone,” she choked out through muffled sobs.
I hung up the phone on her and went completely numb.
SLIPPED AWAY—AVRIL LAVIGNE
SCARLETT
I don’t know how long I sat there; it could’ve been two minut
es or two hours. Eventually I pulled myself off of the bed and put on some shorts and a t-shirt. I needed to call someone, but I wasn’t sure who. I stared at my phone thinking that she was going to call back and tell me it was some sick joke, but that never happened. I looked at the clock for the hundredth time, but the numbers displayed had no meaning to me. I didn’t know what I was doing.
I decided to call Max to let him know; he would want to know. He answered the phone cheerily, “Sweetheart! Where are you at? You disappeared from the party!” There was a ton of hooting and hollering in the background so I assumed that he was still downstairs.
“Umm yeah, I just wanted to let you know that I’m heading home,” I said in a voice that didn’t even sound like mine.
“Heading home? Scarlett, it’s like four o’clock in the morning. Are you drunk?”
“No . . . not drunk, and yes, my flight is at six fifteen so I’m heading to the airport now.”
“Hold on,” he replied. I heard him excusing himself as he got out of the crowd. “Okay, sorry about that. What’s going on? Did something happen with Mase?”
“No, nothing with Mase,” I swallowed hard as I felt the tears pricking at my eyes. “I just need to go home.”
“Scarlett, tell me what the fuck is going on!”
“Ash is dead,” I blurted out.
“I’ll be right there,” was all I heard before he hung up.
It wasn’t five minutes later, Max was beating on the door yelling at me to open it. I swung the door open to him and Andi, who both pulled me in their arms simultaneously. They were crying asking a bunch of questions. “What happened? When? Who called you? “Why did you just find out?”
I stood there like a rag doll, allowing their arms to hold me up. They walked me to the sofa where all three of us sat down. I didn’t know the answers to any of their questions; I didn’t ask Crys anything. What did it really matter how or when it happened? The only thing that mattered was that he was gone. I was never going to see his smile again, never going to hear his voice, never going to feel his lips on mine . . . I heard Max and Andi talking to each other but I wasn’t processing what they were saying. It sounded like they were a million miles away.
The next thing I knew they had my bag and we were leaving the room. We stopped by their suite, where again I just sat in a trance on the couch. They were shuffling around hurriedly and speaking lowly to each other, and before I knew it we were out the door again. Then there was a taxi ride and the airport. They tried to get me to eat, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything. I knew that I should be thinking about something, but my brain just refused to work.
A couple of hours later the three of us were getting off of the plane in Oakland and yet back in another taxi. I remember giving the driver my address; I was somehow able to do that. When we got to the apartment, Robin, Crys, and Will were all there waiting. Max introduced himself and Andi, and then explained that they were in Vegas with me and were also good friends of Ash. I just sat down and stared into space.
Crys joined me on the couch and put her arm around me, pulling me in a tight hug. She didn’t say anything, she just held me. Finally, I was able to muster up some words. “What happened?” I whispered into her chest.
“He was surfing; that’s all we know. Another surfer found him washed up and called 911, but he was already gone by the time they got there,” she explained softly as she rocked me back and forth in her arms. “They broke in his car and got his wallet and cell phone; that’s how they identified him and got a hold of us.”
“Surfing, wow. The thing that brought him the most joy is what killed him . . .” I murmured, closing my eyes.
I think I fell asleep in her arms, that or I fainted, but either way I woke up a while later in my bed. I slowly opened my eyes and laid there staring at his side of the bed, where he would never lay with me again. I ran my hand back and forth over the spot where he would’ve been, and that’s when the tears began. The tears and the memories and thoughts, an emotional overload all at once, came flooding in. And I tried hard . . . damn, I tried so hard to push it away, but I couldn’t. I cried and cried and cried. I cried until I passed out again from sheer exhaustion of crying.
The next time I woke up, Robin was sitting in the bed next to me, rubbing my back. Her tear stained cheeks broke my heart. It reminded me of Evie’s parents and I remembered thinking then that no parent should have to bury their child. I looked up at her through my swollen eyes and she gave me a half-hearted smile.
“I know that you are scared that I don’t like you very much, but I just wanted you to know that isn’t the case. I understood why you left on Christmas and I understand why you were in Vegas. I know that you made my boy happy, and that’s all I ever wanted. So please don’t ever think that I don’t like you or that this happened because you weren’t here.”
I sat up and crawled into her lap, looping my arms around her neck and laying my head on her shoulder. “I’m so sorry. I’m so very sorry,” I cried softly.
She hugged me tightly. “There’s no reason for you to be sorry, Scarlett. We’re all devastated over this. I know that it hasn’t sunk in for any of us completely yet, but the only way we will make it through this is together.”
“I’m just so so sorry,” I said again.
She stroked my hair. “Shh shh, that’s enough of that. Now listen, I don’t want to draw this all out with a funeral and all of that. None of us need to rehash this tragedy over and over again. Ash’s dad is flying out here this evening. We are going to have his body cremated and tomorrow we are going to take the ashes out to the ocean. Whoever wants to say something can, and otherwise, we are going to return him to where he loved to be.” She paused to kiss the top of my head. “I know this is so much all at once, but in the next couple of weeks you’re going to have to decide if you want to stay here and go to school like you planned or if you want to go back to Houston. Whatever you decide, Crys and I will be here to help you take care of everything, okay?”
I nodded against her chest, but I really couldn’t even begin to think about anything at that moment, much less make life decisions. A little bit later Crys joined us in the embrace on the bed, and slowly Max, Andi, and Will all made their way in there as well. And there we all sat silently, all six of us on the bed holding each other, all six of lost in our thoughts of how we had lost such a vital person in our lives.
The following day we all went out to one of the beaches that he and I had frequented that summer. I had never met his dad before, and not surprisingly, he looked just like Ash but dressed in expensive clothes. The sky was gloomy gray which matched our moods just perfectly. Words were scarce; no one knew what to say. We walked down one of the jetties and his mom released his ashes over the choppy, dark blue water. One of the angry waves quickly crashed down on them, the ocean consuming what it had not previously taken. Silently, we all walked back to our cars. His dad didn’t say a word to me the entire time. He got in his rental car and drove away without as much as saying goodbye to any of us. Crys muttered, “Asshole” under her breath, and Robin just hugged her in return.
I had returned to my state of numbness, I felt like I was walking around in a trance. None of it was sinking in, I kept thinking I was trapped in an awful nightmare, one that I just couldn’t wake up from. Max had tried numerous times to comfort me, but I refused to talk to him. Hey kept telling me that he knew how I felt, that he had been there before, but I didn’t want to talk about Evie’s death any more than I wanted to talk about Ash’s. That was just a reminder of all of the death that surrounded me.
AUTUMN LEAVES—ED SHEERAN
TIME OF OUR LIVES—TYRONE WELLS
SCARLETT
The odds of someone dying before there twenty-fifth birthday in America was roughly six percent, well that was the best I could determine from the thousands of results on Google. The odds of knowing two people that died before turning twenty five was a fraction of one percent. God either thought I had exception
al emotional and mental strength to be a part of that exclusive group or I was just fucking cursed, and my money was on the latter. I resolved to myself the day after Ash’s ceremony that I would never fall in love again. I couldn’t handle losing anyone else.
Max and Andi insisted that I return home with them, and I didn’t really fight them on the issue. I didn’t care enough to. Wherever I was, I’d just simply be existing. Robin and Crys seemed to think that was best idea too; no one wanted to leave me alone at the apartment. They said they’d box up all of our stuff and ship it back to me. I didn’t understand how they could be so productive throughout everything. Didn’t they realize they were never going to see their son and brother again? Like he was gone . . . vanished . . . no more.
Once we returned to Houston, I stayed in bed for about three weeks straight. I would nibble on the food that they would bring to me, but I had no appetite. I showered every four or five days, when I felt like it was absolutely necessary. Each time I would get out of the shower, I noticed that one of them would change my sheets. Mina and Jess both tried to come visit me, but I wouldn’t see them. Max told me that he let Mason know because he was concerned that I wasn’t replying to texts. I’m sure he wanted to stay as far away from me as possible, if he valued his life.
Finally, one day Max insisted I get up or he was going to call my parents. I hadn’t even called them to tell them what happened and that I was home; as far as they were concerned, I was still playing house with Ash and lost in my music that would get me nowhere . . . I’m pretty sure those were their words the last time I talked to them. Reluctantly, I got out of bed and took a shower, just to put another pair of pajamas on. I made my way to the living room where I found a surprise visitor waiting for me—Heather.
I went to turn around and head back to my room, pissed off at them for bringing her here, when she grabbed me from behind and spun me around. She put her hand under my chin and tilted my face up to look in her eyes. “I’m not leaving here without you. Now go pack some clothes in a bag or I’ll do it for you. Don’t fight me on this, Scarlett,” she said sternly.