by Anne Leigh
“I’m just glad he’s on our side,” I admitted, as Liam turned the flashers on a slow-moving car. The car moved to the right to let us pass and even at night, I saw the huge sign that signaled that we were entering New Mexico territory.
“Yeah,” Liam said, maneuvering the car to the left as we passed a big rig. The roads never slept. At this hour of the night, you’d think that there would be less people driving. But there were still lots of cars on the road keeping us company.
“It’s good to have you here,” I said, while I pressed the button to lower the passenger window.
“Aww bud. You need a man hug or something?” Liam’s chuckles snapped me out of the sudden appearance of my appreciative mood.
I stretched my left arm and smacked him on his head. “No. I’m just saying –“
“Can I get fries with that too?” Liam asked.
“The fuck?” I shook my head. Unbelievable. Here I was, trying to give him some positive feedback.
“If you’re handing out some sugar, I’d want it with fries. Throw in some ketchup and ranch dressing as a bonus.” Now he was laying it on thick.
I tsked and said, “Absorb this one-time praise ‘cause it ain’t happening again.”
“Oh, ain’t it?” Liam teased, he was a jackass but he was a true brother. “Well, I better up my game then so I can get more of this lovey-dovey shit from you.”
“You’re messed up.” I laughed. Liam was Liam. We could be stuck in the lonely hot-as-fuck Afghan deserts or cold-as-shit Siberia, and he’d still try to find the humor in our situation. He hadn’t said anything remotely close to funny since Athena had been kidnapped. But now that we got a decent lead, he was starting to show his funny side again. It was how I knew that he truly cared for her.
“What do you wanna do to them?” His serious voice appeared when he brought them up. Them being the men who had Athena.
“Nothing short of what they deserve.” My reply was brusque but held candor. “I want to make them suffer.”
“I know how much you want to hurt them since they took her from you. But brother, justice isn’t for you to serve,” Liam warned, his right hand steady on the wheel as he overtook a FedEx freight truck which was getting out of its own lane.
He was acknowledging that they deserved the pain I wanted to rein on them, but he was wrong.
“They fucked with her, justice was long gone with they touched her. She had nothing to do with this. Nothing,” I said, not withholding the pain and anger that I felt. They could have sent another email, another threat to Joseph, but no, they went ahead and messed with Athena.
Justice would be served when their faces met my fists.
Liam nodded his head, “I understand. Trust me, I do. I just don’t want to see you behind bars for something stupid.”
Stupid?
Stupid was what those men did to Athena. They couldn’t get it through their thick skulls that when they messed with her, they were signing their own death warrants.
Out of respect for the man who had put his own life on the line for mine, I queried, “What would you do? If it was your woman that they hurt? That they drugged. That they took. What would be the first thing that you’d do when you finally got your hands on them?”
He didn’t answer for a few beats, the silence in the car hung thick in the air.
I’d thought about it. Rationalized it in my head when I couldn’t sleep a few hours ago. I’d brainstormed it many times, the pros and the cons.
In all the years I fought as a SEAL, I’d taken responsibility for my actions and the actions of my teammates. I’d served with honor on and off the battlefield. These codes were engrained in me, as a warrior, as a leader, and as a teammate.
But no matter what angle I looked at it from – there was no way that I would leave those men functioning or even breathing after they took Athena. The image of her being drugged and dragged to the van by Sven and his associate, the thought of her feeling helpless and scared, and just the absence of her laughter and touch made me that much more determined to not follow the rules.
I’d been indoctrinated to obey my superiors and lead by examples in all situations.
But there was one factor that was missing in all my SEAL missions– emotions.
I didn’t love the people I swore to protect.
I did it for my country and the safety of the greater good.
But right now, I’m doing it for me.
For the woman I swore to keep safe.
The woman who taught me how to love once again even when I thought it wasn’t in the cards for me anymore.
Liam mumbled, took a deep breath, and spoke, “I would do the same thing that you would do.”
Out there in the field, we trained for war and we fought to win. We upheld our mission to preserve the security of our country.
Out here in the real world, not everything was black and white. Sometimes you had to cross the line to ensure that your loved ones would never feel unsafe again.
I’d made peace with it.
Athena would never be unsafe again.
I’d fought battles that weren’t my own. I had bled for the sovereignty of our flag.
This time, I was fighting my own battle.
For the woman I loved, I would bleed until the last breath left my lungs.
For her, I’d give my life so she could have the life she deserved.
“There’s no going back for me, Liam. Athena’s it for me. If you don’t want to be a part of this, I understand. I won’t hold a grudge. But the minute I have my hands on them, I’m not going to be an honorable man,” I said, my resolve complete.
Liam flexed his neck and said, “All in bro.”
All in.
Honor was in my blood, but my love for her diluted it.
She trumped everything else in my world.
I could live without honor.
But I couldn’t live…
Without her.
The human body was a mystery.
It’s also fascinating.
I’d been poked and prodded, sliced open, and patched up and my skin still closed and reattached to form cohesive tissue.
My insides had been opened to surgeons yet if you looked at me, you could never tell how I’d once spent ten hours in an operating room to repair the bones that had been compromised by my illness.
Those were the times that even I couldn’t believe how I managed to wake up and breathe another gulp of air. Life wasn’t just precious because it’s finite.
Life’s precious because it’s fragile.
One wrong move by any of my doctors, one wrong dose of medication given to me could’ve ended everything for me.
I always believed a higher power, that there was a Being who looked after me, one who always stayed with me when I was on the hinge of falling apart. And this Being protected me so that I could meet the fate that was destined for me.
Every morning that I woke up, I’d never thought of it as another morning.
To me, it was another blessing, that I had one more day to roam this wonderful earth.
I’d been blessed with a set of wonderful parents who loved me unconditionally.
I’d been showered with great friends who saw through my insecurities and liked me for who I was.
I’d been graced to feel the warmth and intimacy of a man who savored my presence, even if at the beginning, he didn’t know what to do with me.
Webb.
I’m not sure if I’m ever going to see him again.
When he’d been asked by the airline security to go with them, I had a feeling he was trying to keep his composure. That he was shielding me from the inevitable – that something was bound to go wrong.
He might have kept a determined face, but I’d seen a flicker in his eyes. For a second, it was there. Fear. It burned as fast as it appeared, but I saw it.
I stood there, waiting for him or Liam to appear, just as he’d instructed.
I’d been looking at my phone
so I didn’t see the two guys approaching me.
It was too late for me to react once the needle punctured my skin. The tall guy acted so fast, like he’d been doing this all his life.
I’d taken a lot of drugs – some that had not even appeared at the desks of the FDA. They were all meant to decrease the pain that I felt when my body’s antibodies threatened my immune system. They were meant to save me.
Now the one that the bad guy, there’s nothing else to call him because I sensed his evil scent before the drug took over my system. The effect was slow yet it was dangerous. I felt euphoric and sad; calm then anxious; then, I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore.
I didn’t know how long I’d been like this. There were moments when I had a bearing of where I was – in a very dark space, but I was moving. I heard conversations at times then silence. I listened for familiar sounds and a few times, I could discern them – car horns, alarms from ambulances and fire trucks, loud music, and tidbits of people talking.
My hands were tied, and my underwear was wet. Maybe from sweat, maybe from pee. I couldn’t tell the difference.
One of the guys, a short guy with brown skin and dark eyes, came to give me another dose of the drug and since then, I’d felt my heart hammering.
My insides were shaking, but there was one part of my body that I somewhat had control of.
My mind.
I might be shaking, but I allowed my mind to become still and I thought of happy and peaceful moments.
My dad. The way his eyes looked when he dropped me off at college. Many parents thought of sending their kids to college one day but with my parents, they didn’t even know if I’d survive past 15 so it was understandable that my dad got misty-eyed when he gave me a hug and a kiss before leaving me on university grounds.
My mom. She’d always been the one to give me a reality check, but she did so in a loving, motherly way. I’d wanted to go to prom, but I was too sick. She’d wrangled the hospital administration to create a Prom Night for the kids who were over 12 with the consent of their parents. It was a magical night and at the end of the evening, she’d looked at me with ferocity and kindness and whispered, “You are one of the best things I’ve ever done, baby girl.” She’d hugged me tightly and we stayed up talking way past curfew and we solidified our mother-daughter bond that day.
My friends…Dyan, Denton, Mario, and Liam. They brought so much laughter in my life, even when there seemed none to be found. College wouldn’t be the same without them. And yes, Liam is my friend.
Whatever this drug they’d injected me with was, it was really potent. I had control of my mind but there were times when I couldn’t decipher if my thoughts were real. Or if they were a dream. I found myself whispering words that I couldn’t even understand, as if my brain was not catching up to what my mouth was trying to say. It was scary, frightening, and lucidity was getting harder and harder to grasp.
My body jerked forward and there was nothing I could do.
The dizziness that I’d been feeling hadn’t left me, but I could tell that my sense of smell was starting to go.
I couldn’t even tell if I peed on myself or if it was body odor or fumes that I was smelling. It was all starting to meld into nothing-ness.
“Is it true what they say, that when you can’t smell anything, you’re getting closer to heaven?” One of the kids in the hospital unit asked. He was a lot younger than me, probably around seven years old. We were all sitting in front of Riki, the child development specialist, on the floor during activity and sharing time.
Riki had smiled and said, “I’m not sure, Mello. Who told you that?”
Mello, the frail boy answered, “My Gammie.”
Mello passed away two days later. I knew because I saw his parents crying outside of his room and when his mom met my eyes, I saw the devastation in them. As if she no longer had the will to live. It was one of the saddest days of my life.
I didn’t have many regrets. I would have loved to hug my loved ones one more time. I would have loved to kiss Webb one more time.
I wish I could have told him that I loved him.
I wish I could have thanked him for being gentle with me when we made love for the first time. My mind wandered, holding on to the loving memories of him seeing me open and bare to him for the first time.
The taste of his aftershave when he’d sucked on my bottom lip.
The contrasting light and rough touches he adorned my body with when he was exploring me, from the brush of his hands over my cheeks to the gentle nudges his fingers made when he caressed my nipples and slowly proceeded to skim my center.
The change in the color of his eyes…from ice blue to darkened, smoldering gray when he entered me and the way his jaw tightened as he whispered, “Fuck baby, you’re so tight.”
The weight of his body when he was on top of me, and the intimacy that we created as we became one. My body welcoming him as if he’d always belonged there and him reaching out to me on the deepest level only a man like him could.
My love for him didn’t grow overnight. It started out as an attraction and blossomed into this – an overpowering mix of passion and affection. I pushed him and pushed him to acknowledge what was happening between us. I’m not sure why I did it then.
But now I knew why.
Because our time together was limited. Time wasn’t on our side. Would never be on our side.
The body is an amazing, intricate work of a Master.
And I knew mine…
Mine was slowly disintegrating, giving up.
Wherever we were, we’d come to a stop.
I didn’t feel any movement.
But now I heard thundering, extremely loud voices.
My eyes had been closed for a long time. Even if I’d tried to open them, I couldn’t see anything because of a tight blindfold.
My legs had been cramped into a small space and my muscles had contracted to a point where even sitting down would take a huge effort.
I’d held on this long, but now, I couldn’t.
I was slowly…
Slowly…
Fading away.
Flashes of light hit my eyes.
The tight piece of cloth was loosened against my head.
I still couldn’t see anything.
I heard crashing, pounding, as if a man was being lifted up and thrown like garbage.
A yell pierced my ears, “Mierda!”
I couldn’t tell what it was, maybe I was hallucinating, or maybe I was now meeting my Maker.
My eyes were blurry and I was going in and out of consciousness, but I could see a body of a man being punched and kicked repeatedly.
How many times can a man endure such punishment before his body gave up?
I saw shadows of another guy being thrown against the ground. And even in my current state, I felt the potency of rage flowing from the big guy creating chaos around him, while I was being held by a set of strong arms.
The sounds of an incoming ambulance penetrated my skull, followed by sirens.
Lights, lights, flashes of light then darkness again.
My head was being cradled and my body was being lifted and I couldn’t do anything about it.
I felt heavy...boneless…and weightless all at the same time.
My mind was trying to comprehend was what happening, but my neurons weren’t firing at full capacity.
A strangled whisper reached my ears, “Is she going to be okay?”
“Sir, we need you to let us do our job.” A stern voice said, “You need to step away.”
“No fucking way,” the unbreachable voice came again.
I knew him. That voice.
I felt sticky stuff being put on my chest, and again, the sounds of beeping and crackling.
I tried to take a breath but I couldn’t.
My mind tried to distinguish through my memory bank to name the voice but I couldn’t.
I felt so weak...
Tired.
I was
splintering into pieces and I had no way of stopping it…
So I allowed the darkness to take over.
“How’s her heart rate?” Joseph asked the attending doctor, Michael Simms.
“Steady at 80,” he answered as he looked at the computer screen in front of him.
“How long are you giving her?” Joseph inquired. “At this rate, she should be fine if you start weaning her off of the induced coma.”
“Maybe another day.” Dr. Simms nodded his head. “She’s going to be okay, Joseph.”
Joseph was tight-lipped but acquiesced.
Dr. Simms took his stethoscope and stood close to Athena.
My feet moved and I stood across from him.
Every time the doctors came to check her, the monitors would go berserk. The second night she was here, I was close by when they did the rounds so when the beeping went off, I held her hand. For some strange reason, the lines on the monitor became steady and the beeping stopped.
We tried it again the next time she was being checked and as soon as my hands touched hers, the monitors went silent.
So now, I was here for the fourth night in a row, waiting by the foot of her bed, watching her while she aimlessly turned her head and hoped that soon she could come out of it.
With the amount of drugs the motherfuckers had given her, and the combination of GHB, Xanax, and a hybrid of Ambien and Ecstasy, it’s a wonder that she was breathing on her own. A few more hours and she’d have gone into cardiac arrest.
My heart exploded in violence every time I saw the faces of those shitheads.
According to the FBI, from the information that they could extract from them, they didn’t know what they were giving Athena. They just wanted her to be obedient and immobile.