by Pamela Ann
“River … please,” she pleaded in a strained voice. “There’s no point in talking about the past. It’s not going to resolve anything.”
“To you, it means nothing, but to me, it’s everything.”
Cara adamantly shook her head, conflicted. “I truly am sorry … I don’t know what else to tell you.”
“The truth. I want the truth, Cara.”
“You don’t understand … This isn’t easy for me.” Breaking eye contact, she strode toward the opposite end of the couch, dropping her purse on its wing before directing her gaze back to me. “You said it means the world to you. You have no idea how much I wish I could grant you that, but I’m not strong enough to go back and face the past the way you can … I just can’t.”
Deep down, in some capacity, I understood her predicament. But the selfish side of me just wouldn’t let the subject go. I’d been tormented for months about the what ifs and whatnots. I deserved to know. Couldn’t she see how badly this affected me? If she knew me at all, which she did, she would give in and just tell me the truth, even if it tore her heart out to confess about her countless nights with Juan.
Nothing could dissuade me. I’d drowned myself in alcohol and drugs just to numb the pain. It was high fucking time to address it.
I can’t go on living the way I’ve been living, because it’s not living at all. It’s the coward’s way out, and I’m done being a coward.
Cara and I will get to the nitty gritty whether she liked it or not. I had given her ample time to mourn her Spaniard. It was my turn.
“Since you’re so hellbent on shutting down the past, we have to come up with a medium, or I’m not leaving this apartment. It’s up to you. Take your pick.”
Chapter 8
River
A happy medium,” she reiterated, nonchalantly. “If you want sex, I’m more than happy to take care of that.”
Cara was stonewalling me even though she knew I wasn’t going anywhere. Why did she refuse to stop protecting Juan? The guy was dead and gone. It shouldn’t have mattered anymore. But Cara wouldn’t budge, which made me wonder why she was adamant about digging herself a deeper grave.
Damn her. And double damn her for exactly knowing where my weaknesses were. Touché. I applauded her for trying though. It was no secret how much I craved her body. But for her to use that against me so she could go unscathed … She should know better. Besides, the very thought of touching her after she had a good fuckfest with pussy boy didn’t sit well with me. In fact, it added more to the long list of insults she had hurled at me today. My temper would be impossible to control if she continued fanning the flames.
“Seriously, Cara? This is the best you could do? You just had someone run up thousands of miles in that body, fucking you stupid, and yet, here you are, still offering me sex!” I thundered out, blowing out a gasket as I teetered on the edge, to a point of no return.
She paled underneath her professionally well-made face. Her shocked expression almost made me want to apologize, but I strengthened my resolve. God, I needed this. I was desperate for it, and she alone could provide the balm to this rotting, gaping wound that had been festering within me for far too long.
She was going to provide the cure. Whether she freely provided it from the goodness of her heart or if I had to force it out of her, one way or the other, there would be a solution. There was no turning back now.
“Not that it’s any of your business, but I didn’t have sex with him, and yes, River, I’m still offering sex because that’s all you’re getting from me! I have nothing else to give you, but you can’t get that through your thick skull!” She shuddered, enraged, barely containing the disdain she had for me after calling her out on her colorful, adventurous lifestyle.
Pot meet kettle.
We were both players in the same game. The only advantage I could credit myself was the fact that I’d been playing it far longer than she had.
“Right, like I’d believe that,” I remarked. There was no way she hadn’t. I knew her too well. She was too aroused to properly function. And since Ramiro was one of her lovers, the idiot knew how to make her pliable. It didn’t take much to get her going. I had used her wantonness against her in the past whenever I needed to make a point, so why bother lying to me?
“You should. You insisted on the truth, didn’t you?” She barked back, incensed as she cuttingly eyed me. “It’s staring at you in the face, River, but you’re too stupid to see it!”
Oh, for fuck’s sake! If this was how she wanted to play it, then so be it.
“You’re willing to negotiate with your body because telling the truth isn’t an option! Damn you for being so stubborn, Cara!” Let me test how far she’d willingly sacrifice herself to safeguard her secrets. “If this is how you want it done, fine! You leave me no choice.” I paused for effect.
Our eyes clashed before I delivered a swift blow to her unwavering resolve. “I want unlimited sex for six months. Six for six. The same amount of time you put me through hell, Cara. I demand full exclusivity for the entire duration of the affair. You offer that wanton body to me and no other man. My cock will be the only one fucking that cunt. Anytime, anywhere I want you, you’ll be there waiting, catering to every damn wish I demand of you. If I have to fly you out for a weekend to satisfy me, you will. No questions asked. This is the only medium I’m willing to settle, Cara, nothing less.”
Dark, murderous eyes sparkled with cutthroat determination.
Our gazes locked, battling, challenging.
Intensity crackled between us.
I held my ground, never backing down from a fight. After all, my freedom was at stake. Cara had been my jailer for far too long. It was high time I ended it. Fuck Juan and their damn affair. Whatever she was protecting, she better grasp the blatant fact that I fucking mattered, too.
I mattered.
Tension stretched between us. Pressure so thick I could’ve sworn one only had to huff air and the damn room was going to explode.
I had vowed never to cower any longer.
Someway, somehow, Cara knew I was going to come for her sooner or later. I had simply had to come to terms with everything, and it had taken me a great deal of time to do so.
So, here I was, fighting the good fight. Ready to address the elephant in the room head-fucking-on.
Cara was the first to break eye contact, scoffing as she did so, before releasing a choked-out noise, a sound that bordered on hysteria. “That’s a joke, right?”
“Do you see me laughing?” I quipped back without hesitation. I was lock and loaded, ready to see this fight through until the very end.
Good, I thought as I registered the daunting look in her eyes. An expression conveying how she had just comprehended the gravity of my seriousness.
“This is insane! You’re insane!”
Understatement of the century. “I won’t take anything else … unless, of course, you spill the truth. I don’t see why you have to drag this out, though. Take the easy way out. You always do. Every single time. Don’t fail me now by choosing the difficult route, Cara.”
The cool persona was nowhere to be found. Cara Quinn began to crack. Her once determined resolve slowly faded as she stared at my unblinking, formidable expression. “How dare you come in here, on my own turf, and fucking demand I become your globe-trotting sex slave! How. Fucking. Dare. You! Who do you think you are? God?”
“Then fucking speak, woman! Save us from this Hell. Fuck, save us from killing each other!”
It was how I saw us—the beginning and the ending. Extreme at both ends. Implode or explode. Killing a bond this powerful never ended well for anyone. None of us was walking away unscathed. But as I had previously acknowledged before, turning back was no longer an alternative. The only way to go on living was to see this through until the very end, until the answers I sought revealed themselves to me. Six months should be enough time for Cara to show me the truth. It was a gamble to pray that she would somehow unravel, t
hat she’d be so consumed, wracked with guilt that she would have no choice but to set the truth free.
The stakes were high, but waging on the safer bet was inconceivable.
Cara knew she was left with little to no options. It was either she took me to court for harassment because there was no way I was letting her off the hook, or she could just agree to my proposition and settle scores. She had paved this road, so now she must walk it and endure the journey.
“Please … don’t do this,” she implored in a soft pleading voice.
Cara finally caught on, fully realizing there was no way out … except the truth. An option she repeatedly refused to choose.
“You leave me no choice, Cara.” Whatever the outcome, I knew it was something I had to live with. Come what may.
“I—” She gulped, shuddering, torn between two men. The past and the present. Both, she couldn’t shake away or easily forget. “I need to think this through.” She stated flatly, distressed yet somehow managing to bare no emotion, before she marched out of the living room and sought the safe confines of her bedroom.
I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until I heard the sound of the bedroom door closing.
Evidently, my proposal shocked her. It was done intentionally. If her stubbornness couldn’t convince her to reveal what I was owed, then, I supposed, exclusive rights to her body for six months would be a near decent consolation.
Hopefully, it wouldn’t come to that, because quite frankly, I hadn’t thought that one through. There were pitfalls with that option I hadn’t considered. The glaring one was giving her another opportunity to stab me again. My indifference may have fooled her, but I couldn’t fool myself. The thought of having her for six months was terrifying. Was it possible to resume our sexual relationship and not get attached? I couldn’t know for sure. We had never tried that route before because I respected and loved her too much not to make her officially mine.
However, that was the past … The reality was anything but.
As tempting as the idea of her being my personal “globe-trotting sex slave” was, I prayed she cut the bullshit and chose to set us both free from each other.
While I waited, my eyes kept glancing toward the wall clock. Five minutes turned to twenty … thirty … forty … fifty. It was a minute short to sixty when Cara emerged from her bedroom.
While I comfortably lazed on the couch, Cara sought me out. Dressed in the same garb she had worn almost an hour ago, she had clearly invested all of her time weighing things out. And based on her chilly attitude, I feared the worst.
She stood ramrod straight, cool and detached. The polar opposite of the distraught woman who had left nearly an hour ago.
“I have some conditions of my own,” she began to say in a nonchalant tone, matching her attitude. “It’s non-negotiable.”
My guarded eyes trained on her closely, warily. “Go on.”
“I’ll be physically and exclusively yours, but under no circumstances will you intervene in my personal relationships. Ever. What I do in my free time with friends and colleagues is my business. Mine and mine alone. Second, work comes first. My free days are yours as you please. Third, we always sleep in separate bedrooms, at all times. Fourth, there’ll be no kissing. At all. If your lips dare to touch mine, even if it’s just a brush, the deal is over. This is final. Lastly, don’t fall in love with me again, River.” She delivered her words without an ounce of emotion. “If you break any of these conditions, I’ll leave, secure in the knowledge that you’ll never hound me for answers ever again. If you don’t agree, then you have to come up with something else because I won’t settle for anything less without these attached.”
I impassively considered her while I pondered the conditions she had just proposed.
No kissing … she had said. Why was that so important? Why bother when I’d be exploring the very depths of her body, anyway? Sex wasn’t a huge deal, but kissing was sacrosanct? It was fucking ridiculous. Yet Cara had deemed it significant enough. Just like a hooker or a paid escort, all other intimacy was off-limits except for the deed itself. And as for falling in love with her again, did she honestly think I could simply love her after all that had happened? Again, fucking ridiculous. It was asinine—audacious, even—to boldly make it as a rule, let alone saying it to my face.
Had she no shame? Apparently, that was lost on her, too.
I could laugh if it weren’t so insane. Sad, even. Nevertheless, she had stated hers as much as I had mine. Whatever my thoughts and opinions were on the subject, I still had to respect them, even though the last condition left me totally pissed off.
It was a good thing I was a decent actor. Had I not been, it would’ve been impossible to hide my true reaction to her so-called ‘conditions.’
“Consider them done,” I said as I raised my brow at her, mocking. “Anything else to add to the list, Cara?”
There was a long pause, a hesitation, before she shook her head in response. “No, I think I’ve covered everything.”
“Good,” I stated while my eyes remained glued to her beautiful face, soaking in every expression, every glimmer, every slight muscle movement. I noted it all. Besides, I found it tough not to stare. It was difficult then. It was difficult now. Not much had changed on that front. Cara always took my breath away. Always.
My blatant staring made her uncomfortable. She was looking anywhere but my direction. I should’ve stopped. It was the polite thing to do. But I didn’t. I just fucking couldn’t.
“Do we start … uh … with this arrangement now … um … Do you want me to strip and straddle you, or do you want to do it in bed?” Her voice came out emotionless, but her cheeks began to turn pink, giving her away.
She wasn’t as unaffected as she portrayed herself to be. Why was that? And what was with the blushing? It was a little too late for that. “Go to bed, Cara. Get some sleep. I’m fine on the couch. I’ll come for you when I’m ready.” Mentally. Emotionally. The physical aspect wasn’t the problem. It was all psychological on my end of the stick.
Although my response caught her off-guard, Cara immediately recovered from my dismissive tone.
“As you wish, boss,” she said sarcastically.
It was difficult to tell if she was relieved or disappointed. It couldn’t be denied, however, that both possibilities left me uneasy. “Sweet dreams,” I sweetly added, enraging her further.
“Fuck you.”
“Oh, you will … just you wait, sweetheart.” It couldn’t be helped. Cara could be so cute when angry. But instead of pulling her close and kissing her until I had erased all of the anger away like I used to when we were dating, I simply gave a dry, humorless chuckle, annoying her more. And as expected, the woman didn’t disappoint.
Cara let out a low sharp growl, marching out of my space then slamming the door behind her.
She can be so predictable, I reflected in wry amusement. However, this sentiment vanished when the magnitude of what concluded between us dawned on me.
There’s no mistaking our circumstances had profoundly shifted from complicated to unchartered, unprecedented heights. This wasn’t the casual fuck and duck I had planned earlier on.
Even though I knew I wasn’t going to come out of this deal unharmed, I still had to advance with a great amount of care and caution to be able to survive the next six months.
Proceeding with caution was not only necessary but a necessity. I had to be fully prepared, completely equipped on all fronts, all-armored up, barriers well and guarded, ready for the inevitable, with clear and absolute certainty that I could engage in physical intimacy with my ex without irreparable damage.
But until such clarity descended upon me, Cara was off-limits.
She was dangerous. Much more so now than before. Best I never forget it.
Sleep was far from my mind. Instead, I chose to use my time efficiently. Mapping out the ins and outs, complications, and possible repercussions of this arrangement. Just before the clock struck
seven in the morning, I came up with a solution.
Chapter 9
River
What the Hell is this?” the woman shrilled, grappling the papers in her right hand as though she’d been served a death warrant.
The irony wasn’t lost on me.
“Our contract,” I said in a soft, unruffled tone. “Everything’s there—your conditions as well as mine.”
The second I possessed it, I didn’t waste time barging into her bathroom the moment I realized she had woken from sleep. She was about to brush her teeth when I walked in on her. Cara, of course, wasn’t too thrilled to see me.
“Ten million?” Her eyes rapidly scanned the documents, nervously flipping page after page before she muttered under her breath, “My worth could barely reach a quarter of that amount. Why would you include this knowing I can’t fucking afford it?” she shrieked.
Ah, the safety clause. I knew she was going to have an issue with it.
“I have to cover all bases, Cara. We know you can be indecisive. By adding this clause, it ensures you keep your end of the bargain. The same rule applies for me, too. If I violate one of your conditions, I pay you. It’s a win-win really. You can’t beat that.”
Prying her eyes away from the contract, Cara’s scowl deepened as she searched my face for answers. “My word’s not enough.”
“No.”
“You don’t trust me.” It wasn’t a question but a statement—a fact.
I took a breath, taking my sweet time leaning against the bathroom counter while never breaking eye contact. Scratching the growing stubble on the side of my chin, I slightly shook my head, “I’m sure it’s understandable why I don’t, though … You can’t blame me for choosing not to put stock in your promises anymore. Been there, done that sort of thing. Indulge me this once.”
“Right.” Cara pressed her lips together before placing a hand on her chest, as if trying to gather strength, her bearings before she reluctantly nodded. “Okay …” she whispered. “All right.”