by Paul Gamble
Trudy blurred down the corridor toward the Edwyn-creature. The Edwyn-creature turned away from the classroom door, suddenly fascinated by the blurry shape that was streaking toward him. At the last moment Trudy jumped and somersaulted over the swollen creature’s head. She effortlessly twisted past the two fists it threw up in the air trying to hit her.
“Shall I try using The Speed as well?” Jack called down the corridor after Trudy.
Trudy only managed to half shrug as she was ducking under punches the creature was now aiming at her. “No, I’m only providing the distraction here. You need to come up with one of your strange ideas so we don’t have to hurt Edwyn. Something to cure this allergic reaction.”
“My ideas. Right.” Jack felt slightly under pressure. It was first thing on a Monday morning and his brain hadn’t fully gotten into gear yet. Also, it was hard to think properly when an enormous monster was trying to murder one of your best friends. This was probably why teachers were so strict about not allowing homicides during exams.
“I don’t suppose you have any ideas, David?”
David crunched on his muesli bar for a minute. “Not really. I have a cousin who gets really bad allergic reactions. She has this syringe thing that gives her injections of epinephrine—that counteracts the allergy.”
“Brilliant—can you go and get the syringe from her?”
“No problem.” David handed his schoolbag to Jack. “Hold this. I’ll go and get the syringe now. I should be back by Thursday.”
“Thursday?” Jack asked quizzically.
“Well, yeah, my cousin lives in Canada.”
Jack sighed. “I don’t think that’s going to be soon enough to help.”
Trudy was keeping the Edwyn-creature at a distance—occasionally it leapt forward, but she was far too fast for it and merely crouched to the side or rolled through its legs.
“Jack, we really need that solution quite urgently now! It’s only a matter of time before I get tired or he gets lucky.” As if to underline the point, one of the Edwyn-creature’s fists lashed out, missing Trudy’s face by an inch or less.
Although Jack was concerned about Trudy’s well-being he was also slightly put out. After all, you couldn’t just pluck good ideas from the air.14 “I’m sorry, Trudy, but I’m afraid that I’ve been remiss in my contingency planning. I didn’t anticipate a peanut-inflamed Edwyn attacking us.”
“Less talking. More thinking!” Trudy panted. “I can’t keep this up forever.”
“Yes—you’re right,” agreed Jack. “I’ll do my best to think of something.”
David crunched on his muesli bar. “Basically that epinephrine stuff is just adrenaline. Pity you couldn’t figure out a way to get Edwyn excited—that’d probably have the same effect.”
And it was then that Jack plucked a brilliant idea out of the air.15 “Back in a minute,” he chirped as he bolted down the corridor.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
ALLERGIES
THE ANIMAL KINGDOM—HONEYBEES
We are all aware that allergies are prevalent amongst human beings. However, humans are one of the most self-centered of all the species and therefore rarely concern themselves with the plight of other animals. The truth is, of course, that animals suffer from as many different allergies as humans do. Some pet owners, for example, will be aware that dogs are allergic to chocolate.
Of course, the effect of an allergy on an animal’s lifestyle depends on both the allergy and the type of animal affected. An aardvark with a wheat allergy will live a largely unaffected life (aardvarks mainly eat ants, and although ants live in extremely organized and structured societies, their baking skills are somewhat limited). If, however, you are a cat with a cat hair allergy you have a choice between continually having to wipe your whiskers or alternatively praying for the onset of premature baldness.
Interestingly enough, the animal with the most unfortunate allergy is the humble honeybee. Most honeybees have hay fever—an allergy to pollen. This is bad because bees absolutely love the smell of flowers. Therefore, on a pleasant summer day a bee will leave the hive and find itself drawn to beautiful flowers—but after going for a quick sniff they find their little bee eyes running and their little bee noses sniffling. Naturally enough, the bee will then fly erratically back to the hive as it is barely able to see. You will see bees flying in a strange back-and-forth pattern, rather than traveling in a more sensible straight line16—this is because they can barely see or breathe.
So, what happens to all the dribble from the bees’ noses, you ask? I suspect you already know the answer. They put it in little hexagonal containers to get it out of the way. Some of you may be asking why your local supermarket chooses to call it honey rather than “Bee Mucus.” The reason of course is simple—if they called it Bee Mucus, they would never sell so many jars. And asking a visiting relative if he would like some Bee Mucus in his tea is considered to be something of a social faux pas.
With even a small amount of thought it is apparent that honey is nothing more than mucus despite the fact that some people claim that honey is food for bees. If honey was bee food, then why on earth would bees (a) continue to make it just to be stolen, (b) allow beekeepers to take it away, and (c) not be perpetually starving to death. If you have been stung by a bee you will already know that they are more than capable of defending themselves if someone was actually stealing their food.
The truth is that bees find it hilarious that people come to take their mucus away. In many ways it’s the same feeling that dogs get when they notice people following them around with those little plastic bags.
* * *
3
THE NEXT TOP SUPERHERO SIDEKICK
Jack arrived back two minutes later with a reluctant Dawkins in tow. David was just finishing his muesli bar.
“You do realize that you’re costing me a fortune in merchandising sales?” complained Dawkins.
Jack pointed down the corridor to where Trudy was still distracting the Edwyn-creature by ducking and slipping past its punches. “That’s Edwyn, your biggest superfan. He’s had some kind of allergic reaction.”
Dawkins’s eyes widened as he looked at the rampaging creature. “That can’t be.… No, wait, it is. I sold him that badge earlier.”
“The only way we can counteract the allergic reaction is to get him excited.”
Dawkins paused to consider. “Or perhaps if Static was here he could fight him. Static’s pretty amazing, you know.”
The Edwyn-creature swung one enormous fist at Trudy. Trudy rolled under it and the creature’s fist smashed into the plasterboard wall, leaving an enormous hole.
“Do you still want to try and fight?” asked Jack.
“Perhaps not.” Dawkins gulped.
“Right, then follow my instructions to the letter.” Jack explained his plan to Dawkins. Dawkins nodded and took off his blazer and shirt to reveal the Static costume he was wearing underneath. Jack suspected he had been working on it over the weekend as it now actually resembled a real superhero costume. Dawkins/Static had managed to get hold of an old blue leotard of his mother’s and decorated it with school ties. Over this he wore a pair of darker blue shorts. His chest had a yellow triangle emblazoned on it with a streak of white lightning down the middle. Static’s mask was still made of school ties, but it had been neatened up and didn’t look as ragged as it had before. The polyester cape was actually quite neatly sewn and hemmed. If it hadn’t been for the odd cuff and pocket patched onto it, you would never even have realized it was made of polyester school shirts.
“Now are you ready, Daw … Static?” Jack asked, correcting himself quickly.
Dawkins placed his hands on his hips and assumed a heroic pose. “I am Static, the Spark Knight, the Shocking Trooper, the Lord of Lightning. I was born ready.”
“Guys, any … time … now … would … be … great.” Trudy panted. She looked up to see whom Jack had brought with him and was predictably
disappointed. “Static? Really? You know that he isn’t a proper superhero, Jack—don’t you?” While she spoke, the Edwyn-creature saw an opportunity and leapt forward and grabbed her with both hands. The creature effortlessly lifted Trudy above its head and prepared to throw her across the corridor. Jack pushed Static forward.
“Now say what I told you to say! Loudly!”
Static shouted at the top of his voice, “MY NAME IS STATIC. I AM A SUPERHERO—BUT I HAVE DECIDED THAT I NEED A NEW SIDEKICK.17 THEREFORE I WILL BE HOLDING SIDEKICK AUDITIONS IN THE SCHOOL GYM AT LUNCHTIME TOMORROW—ALL COMERS WELCOME!”
Jack hoped that this would be enough. The Edwyn-creature had turned and was staring at Static. After a second, the creature dropped Trudy to the ground. She sat up and rubbed at her elbow but seemed to be mostly unharmed.
The Edwyn-creature shivered. It took a step toward where Static was standing and pointed with one enormous hand before rubbing its eyes. Jack could see that the black pupils of its eyes had expanded like saucers. The Edwyn-creature seemed to be getting smaller, the swelling subsiding, the muscles shrinking. Slowly the Edwyn-creature took two steps forward and then it collapsed. As it lay on the ground it looked as if someone was letting the air out of it. It was gradually returning to a more normal Edwyn shape.
Trudy hauled herself up from the ground. “Okay, Jack, this is the bit where you glibly explain how that worked.”
Jack tutted. “Trudy, I never thought I’d hear myself saying this, but sometimes you take all the fun out of being smug.”
“Get on with it.”
“It’s simple, really. The thing Edwyn loves most of all in the world is Static, so when he heard that there might be an opportunity to become Static’s sidekick, it caused adrenaline to surge through his veins. And adrenaline’s basically the same thing as the epinephrine they give to people to counteract allergic reactions.”
Jack and Trudy walked over to where Edwyn lay in the ragged remains of his uniform. Static was cradling Edwyn’s head, kneeling in a heroic pose,18 and shaking his fist at the ceiling.
David wandered over and stood beside them. “Is Static angry with the ceiling for some reason?”
“I will not let this lie, Edwyn!” Static yelled in a most heroic manner. “I will gain revenge on whoever did this to you! I will hunt them out and destroy them! Mark my words.”
Trudy turned to Jack. “Have you marked his words?”
Jack nodded. “I have, I really have. But do you think he’s realized that it was a snack containing a peanut that did this to Edwyn?” Jack bent down and picked up a half-eaten chocolate bar that was lying on the floor beside the unconscious Edwyn. “Essentially Static has just sworn vengeance on a Snickers bar.”
“Let’s hope he hasn’t bitten off more than he can chew.” Trudy looked down at Edwyn in his ragged uniform.
“What are you thinking?” Jack asked.
“Not much,” said Trudy, “except we should probably be glad that they make underpants out of material that can stretch.”
Jack nodded in agreement.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
ADRENALINE
USE AS A MEDICINE
Everyone knows that adrenaline is a naturally occurring chemical in the body that can boost your energy and levels of excitement. More interestingly it is also used quite widely as a medicine—but that isn’t the only use that it has.
For example, if you have an asthma attack you may be given adrenaline as a treatment. The brilliant thing about adrenaline is that not only will it help stop the asthma attack, but it will also make you a lot more excited about being a bit wheezy.
* * *
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
PEANUTS
WHY THEY CAUSE ALLERGIES
Over the years, many people have wondered why peanuts cause allergic reactions. Ministry scientists have discovered why this is. It is interesting to note that peanuts are sometimes used in the manufacture of dynamite.19 Of course they need to be refined, poked, and distilled by scientists before this happens. But nonetheless it also means that peanuts must be very slightly explosive. Therefore, when people have an allergic reaction to a peanut, it is just a very small explosion taking place inside them—causing them to swell up and turn red.
Ministry scientists have expressed concerns that if an evil scientist were to genetically modify peanuts to make them even more explosive than normal, there is the potential for the explosions to be so large that they would cause someone to swell up and change into a monster. However, we are confident that no one would be evil enough to do such a thing.
* * *
4
BLOOD TESTS
As usual, some of the school’s teachers arrived on the scene shortly after everything had been sorted out. Jack, Trudy, David, and Static, along with the now barely conscious Edwyn, were herded toward the school nurse’s room. Partly because the teachers wanted to make sure they hadn’t sustained any injuries, but mainly because they wanted to make sure they weren’t going to sue the school after being attacked by a monster.
Even though Edwyn was still groggy and unwell, Trudy couldn’t help herself from chastising him. “You know, if you’re allergic to peanuts you really shouldn’t be eating Snickers.”
Edwyn stared at her blankly. “But I’m not allergic to peanuts.…”
“There’s something very strange going on here,” Jack said.
“And unusual,” agreed Trudy. “I’ve seen people swell up because of allergies. But I’ve never seen them swell up so much that they turned into rampaging monsters.”
“I have no sympathy,” said David. “You shouldn’t be eating chocolate bars anyway. These are much more healthy.” David took another muesli bar out of his pocket and began munching on it.
“Where are you getting all these muesli bars from?” Jack asked.
David raised a quizzical eyebrow.20 “Didn’t you guys see the posters around the school last week?”
“No, David,” Jack explained calmly, “we were too busy saving Northern Ireland from being sunk to the bottom of the sea to notice anything on the school bulletin boards.”
“That’s a big problem of yours—you tend to get wrapped up in silly little things and miss what’s important in life.” David took a piece of paper from his pocket, unfolded it, and passed it to Jack. It was a poster explaining that a media company was coming to the school to hold auditions for extras in a fantasy film called The Once-Forgotten King. “What does a fantasy film have to do with health food?”
David frowned. “Well, fantasy films are all about dragons breathing fire, people dodging boulders and hitting other people with spiky implements. You need to be in pretty good shape to do that kind of thing. The film company has agreed to supply free healthy snacks to the school so all the extras looked buffed up.”
Static grabbed the leaflet from Jack. “Let me look at that—I might try for an audition.”
Jack shook his head in disbelief. “This doesn’t make any sense. People don’t get fit just by eating health-food bars—you have to exercise as well.”
Trudy snapped her fingers under Jack’s nose. “Don’t you start thinking about this, Jack—we’re supposed to be focusing on finding my mother—remember?”
“That’s unfortunate,” David said, “because apparently the film people are really keen about helping kids to be as healthy as possible. They’ve actually set up a model farm on the playing fields where you can learn about organic foods that are good for you.”
“What?” Jack was surprised. Although setting up model farms was exactly the kind of pointless thing that adults did, it seemed very strange that a film company would care so much about the health of potential extras. “There’s something very odd going on here.”
Jack would have asked more questions, but at that moment the nurse came over to them brandishing a large hypodermic needle.
“What’s that for?” Jack gulped.
The nurse smiled in an unreassuring way. “Since your friend had such an extreme reaction, we’re testing you all for allergies.”
Jack winced as he rolled up his sleeve. “Blood tests…”
Trudy laughed at Jack. “Is the big, brave boy scared of needles?”
Jack shook his head. “Not at all. Actually, I quite like needles. You can use them to sew or knit and all sorts of useful things. The bit of it I don’t like is when people start sticking them into my body.”
Static spoke to the nurse. “Why do we have to have blood tests? I mean, it was only Edwyn that had the weird allergic reaction.”
The nurse stuck a needle into Static’s arm and he winced. “Everyone in school will be having them. We need to confirm you don’t have any allergies. Also, we’re doing a general health check on your vitamin and iron levels—just to ensure that everyone’s eating properly.”
David took a piece of paper out of his pocket and held it in front of the nurse’s face. “I have this note from my parents that says I never have to participate in blood tests.”
“Why not?” Jack asked.
“You know that I’m always falling down steps and stairs and getting bruises? I do it so often at home that my parents have gotten an inflatable rug21 for the hall.”
Jack indicated that he was aware of David’s interesting and comprehensive collection of bruises.
“As it turns out a bruise is basically a little bit of internal bleeding. Every time I have a bruise that’s a little bit of blood leaking out of my veins and collecting under my skin.”
“But.… you get a lot of bruises, David.”
“Yeah, I know,” David said, smiling. “I was at the doctor’s not so long ago and he said that he reckons that there’s more blood in my bruises than there actually is in my veins—so I’m excused from getting blood tests. The doctor says I’m a medical miracle.”