by Paul Gamble
“I think we’re about to have some problems.” Trudy pointed to an enormous black cloud that was moving toward them.
Jack squinted into the distance. “Wait a minute, that’s not a cloud … those are…”
“Birds.” Trudy took a step backward. “They must have come off the electricity pylons when they saw the corn.”
Jack and Trudy half scrambled and half ran away from the huge pile of corn that was being descended on by the cloud of birds. A few chased after Jack and pecked at him, trying to get the last few kernels out of his hair. He tried to shoo them away and after a few moments they left.
The strange white-and-black bird with the red splotch on its head that Jack had seen on Monday was amongst them. It flew right up to Trudy and dropped a small piece of branch it had been carrying in its beak. The bird started hammering at the twig with its beak. It seemed to be trying to tell them something.
“What do you think it’s doing?” asked Jack.
Jack and Trudy looked at each other and smiled—they both had the same thought. “Morse code!”
They stood silently as the bird hammered and hammered at the wood. After a while they cocked their ears sideways so they could listen more closely. And then finally they looked at each other again.
“I don’t know any Morse code,” Trudy admitted.
“Yeah, I know SOS—but … that’s about it, really.”
“But this could be a clue!”
“Possibly, but seeing as we don’t know any Morse code we aren’t going to be able to figure it out. I’ll look up Morse code on the Internet tonight and then hopefully our bird friend here will come back tomorrow.”
“Okay,” said Trudy with a sigh. “Let’s try looking inside the barn.”
Jack and Trudy walked away, leaving a very frustrated-looking bird behind them.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
MOUNTAINEERS
“BECAUSE IT’S THERE”
People often ask mountaineers why they go to all the trouble of climbing mountains. The answer that is often given is “Because they’re there.” When this answer is heard, people often assume that it is a deep and meaningful thing to say.
It isn’t. It really, really isn’t. And it is important to remember that in almost every other area of life it will not be considered a wise answer:
“Why did you steal that gold?”
“Because it was there.”
“Why did you drink that poison?”
“Because it was there.”
“Why did you throw a tomato at that politician?”
“Because he was there.”
From the above examples we can see that the answer “Because it was there” only works one out of three times.
Interestingly enough, a much better answer to the question of why you climbed a mountain is as follows:
“Because I had this flag and wasn’t really sure what to do with it. And the moon seems an awfully long way away.”
* * *
15
THE RED BARN
Jack suddenly had a thought. “Mr. M said that he’d been working with Blackbeard and the queen of Atlantis. And both their plans involved digging.”
Trudy realized what Jack was saying. “The barn’s right over where the queen of Atlantis was drilling the huge hole to sink Northern Ireland. Do you think…?”
Jack nodded. “Exactly. I think Mr. M was helping them dig not because he cared about what they were doing. He was looking for something that was buried underground—some kind of stone. And maybe that barn is just there to hide where the hole still is.”
Trudy walked over to the door of the red barn and tried to pull it open. “There’s no way we’re getting through this. It’s solid metal.” She rattled the padlock on the door in frustration.
“We don’t have to go through the door,” Jack observed. “The ground’s kind of muddy and soft.” Jack dropped to his knees and started scrabbling in the mud under the door. He noticed Trudy wasn’t helping him. “Aren’t you going to join in?”
Trudy wrinkled her nose. “I don’t want to get dirty.”
Jack carried on digging and muttered to himself. “Oh, fine, I don’t want to come here because I was almost murdered, but apparently if you don’t want to get dirty you don’t have to help.…”
The ground was soft and it took Jack only fifteen minutes to make a small trench. There was enough space between the bottom of the door and the ground for them both to squeeze under and into the darkness of the barn inside. Jack took enormous solace in the fact that this process meant that Trudy had to get dirty anyway.
It was pitch black inside the barn. Jack stood up and felt his way along the wall. A few moments of searching yielded the discovery of a switch that turned on the lights.
“Wow!” Trudy said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many health-food bars.” One corner of the barn was absolutely filled with health-food bars, popcorn snack bags, and Mr. M’s Ready Meals, all promising to help people increase their vitamin and iron levels.
Jack was looking in the other direction and was rather glad he had waited until they found the light switch before either of them had taken a step. In the center of the barn was an enormous hole—the hole the queen of Atlantis had drilled when trying to sink Northern Ireland, just as deep and possibly even wider than before.
Huge metal girders had been set across the top of the pit, creating a series of walkways across it. A long line reached from the top corner of the barn, ran down the wall, and then into the enormous hole. “That must be from the pylon outside.”
“But what would you need electricity for halfway down a pit?” Trudy asked.
Jack edged his way closer to the pit and looked down. He had a horrible feeling what was coming next. Trudy walked up to him. “We’re going to have to climb down.”
Jack felt his heart fall through the bottom of his stomach. “Do we really have to?”
“Yes,” said Trudy. “Maybe that electricity line is powering a light down there. It could be where Mr. M is holding my mother.”
Jack looked over the edge of the pit and felt his stomach apologize and tell everyone it had been a lovely evening but it was feeling a bit sick now and therefore would have to leave the party early. It wasn’t falling that Jack was afraid of; it was the horrific fact that gravity dictated that he would eventually reach the bottom.
“Come on, it’s perfectly safe.” Trudy had found a length of rope that had been lying against the wall of the barn and was tying it to one of the girders that crisscrossed the pit.
“Really? Perfectly safe? I’m not sure how you define perfectly safe. But if your definition of perfectly safe includes standing on the edge of a huge pit that has been dug by an enemy of ours, and who definitely wants us to die, then I’m going to suggest that we’re going to need to get you extra English classes.”
Trudy just stared at Jack. It was a stare that didn’t require any explanation. He carefully took a teetering step onto one of the metal girders and began to wonder exactly how he would swing off it and clamber down the line.
Jack thought he couldn’t be more scared. And then the door of the barn slowly scraped open and he realized that he had been wrong.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
GRAVITY
RULES OF ATTRACTION
Everyone knows what gravity is, sort of. Of course, it’s a lot more complicated than people think. The law of gravity basically states that two objects will attract each other. The closer the two objects are together the more they will be attracted. Which explains why boys are always falling in love with “the girl next door.”
It also explains why long-distance relationships almost never work.
Interestingly, scientists consider gravity the weakest force in the universe.41 And they are right—gravity is certainly a lot weaker than electromagnetism, for example. And both of them are certainly many hundreds of times weaker than love
.
* * *
16
MECHANICAL GIANTS
Jack was amazed at how easily the enormous barn door swung open until he saw what was behind it.
“Well, there’s something you don’t see every day,” Jack observed.
Mr. M entered the barn and smiled. “Yes, do you like my robotic bodyguard?” A frighteningly realistic animatronic giant was standing behind Mr. M. It was thirty feet tall and was wearing what looked like fake animal skins. Its face was swollen and distorted and sported a false beard that was even more impressive than David’s.
Jack looked at Mr. M. “Well, at least we know for sure that you’re behind the supposed health foods and the fantasy movie—what’s it called? The Once-Forgotten King?”
“Yeah,” Trudy snarled. “Jack’s got the whole thing figured out. You may as well give up now, M!”
Mr. M’s face contorted in anger. “It’s Mr. M. Mister. Titles are important. But if you know my whole plan, why don’t you tell me, Jack?”
Jack briefly shot an annoyed glance at Trudy. “Well, clearly you’ve been creating health scares around the country. That’s why so many children these days are allergic to things. And it’s all to sell your branded health food.… And, um, to be honest that’s as far as I’ve gotten.”
Mr. M’s face was calm again. “You really haven’t figured out much, have you? Still, unlike other villains I refuse to discuss my plans. Therefore—quite enough talk—now I’m going to have my animatronic giant crush you into dust.”
Mr. M took a small control device from his pocket and punched its screen rapidly. The giant began walking toward Jack and Trudy. Trudy took a step forward and bunched her fists. Jack pulled her back. “What are you doing, Jack? We can use The Speed to fight.”
Jack nodded. “Which would be brilliant, but it’s an animatronic giant that is probably made of metal and doesn’t feel pain. So first we’d break our fists and then second—it’d stomp us into the ground.”
“Do you have a better idea?”
Jack looked at Trudy, dumbfounded. “Well, if your idea involves being smashed into the floor, then yes, I have a better idea. Pretty much any idea would be better than that.”
The giant was rapidly approaching them.
“I’m waiting.”
Jack nodded. “That thing has size-fifty shoes and I bet it weighs a couple of tons.”
“And?”
“I’m betting the girder walkways that crisscross this pit won’t hold its weight.”
Trudy smiled as she realized what Jack meant. “Great idea!”
Trudy darted across the girders nimbly until she was standing where two crossed the center of the pit. Jack achieved the same thing, except considerably more slowly, while realizing that maybe his idea hadn’t been quite as brilliant for him as it had been for Trudy. As he inched toward Trudy his foot slipped and he nearly fell. Trudy dashed over and caught him by the sleeve.
The mechanical giant stopped at the edge of the pit, unable to walk any farther. Mr. M followed behind it. Jack was worried that he didn’t look even vaguely frustrated.
“So, what are you going to do now?” sneered Trudy. “Are you brave enough to walk out here and fight us yourself?”
Mr. M shook his head. “Bravery is hugely overrated, my dear. I have no intention of walking out over the girders and absolutely no intention of fighting you. You see, I’m a genius, and geniuses never do their own fighting.”
“But the giant can’t get across the girders.”
“Yes,” admitted Mr. M. “But you can’t escape, can you? You’re trapped.”
Jack smiled pleasantly at Mr. M. “Perhaps we could discuss this. I’m sure that no one needs to get hurt and we could work something out.”
Trudy frowned at Jack. “You see, when you say things like that, Jack, that’s why people call you annoying. He’s kidnapped my mother and you’re still trying to negotiate.”
“Well, if we die we’re not going to be able to rescue her, are we?”
Mr. M spoke slowly. “You do realize that you’re standing precariously over a bottomless pit,42 don’t you? Now are you going to surrender?”
Jack shook his head. “That doesn’t even make any sense. How can you even dig a bottomless pit?”
It was Mr. M’s turn to sigh. “Easily. You just dig halfway at a time.”
Jack was trying to figure out if this would work when Mr. M raised the giant’s control device and punched its screen. “It’s fitting you should both die this way. It’s very similar to how all my enemies will perish shortly.”
The giant lifted one enormous foot and slammed it down on the ground. The girders started to shake. Jack and Trudy grabbed each other, trying to steady themselves. The giant slammed its foot again and again into the dirt. The girders trembled and shook. Jack and Trudy realized what was going to happen. “This isn’t going to end well,” Jack observed.
The giant’s foot slammed into the ground once more and the girders jumped and bucked. Jack and Trudy fell off the girder and into the bottomless pit.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
BOTTOMLESS PITS
SURVIVAL TECHNIQUES
It is incredibly hard to dig a bottomless pit, because it’s difficult to tell when you’re actually finished. By their very nature bottomless pits have to be infinitely deep. And obviously it’s impossible to dig a hole that is infinitely deep. But the solution is simple. You just dig two holes that are only half an infinity deep and then join them up in the middle.
However, even though bottomless pits do exist, they aren’t as scary as you might think. Because they’re bottomless you won’t actually ever hit the ground and so will just continue falling forever. Of course, some people worry that if you are falling forever you will eventually starve. The solution to this is to make sure that you have your mouth open as you fall. This way you will be kept fed by occasionally swallowing a fly during your descent.
It will also be fairly boring; therefore, if you’re preparing for this fate, it’s probably advisable to pack some kind of travel games compendium.43
* * *
17
FALLING FOR YOU
Jack felt his stomach lurch upward as he fell from the girder. There was a high-pitched, screaming kind of noise, which Jack was slightly disturbed to find was coming from himself. Trudy was falling through the air beside him. Even as they tumbled through the black void she still made time to look at him disparagingly.
Jack stopped screaming. They were still falling, but they were no longer tumbling topsy-turvy. Jack had managed to right himself so that he was spread-eagled and facing what he assumed to be downward. They could see the walls of the tunnel on either side of them, but beneath them was just blackness. There seemed to be no bottom whatsoever in sight.
Jack started screaming again, more for something to do than out of any actual sense of fear. Trudy managed to maneuver herself as they fell, reached out, and punched Jack in the shoulder.
Jack stopped screaming. “Oww. Was that really necessary?”
“Was the screaming really necessary?” Trudy asked.
Jack shrugged.44 “I just couldn’t think of anything better to do.”
They were silent for a few minutes before Trudy spoke again. “We’re going to die when we hit the bottom, aren’t we?”
“Hopefully, because otherwise we’re going to be in a lot of pain.” Jack paused. “Do you think we could use that trick the quartermaster taught you to survive?”45
“I don’t think so. I think that even if we tried, this fall is far too long. We must have fallen thousands of feet by now.”
Jack and Trudy were both silent as they fell for several minutes. There was still no sign of the bottom of the pit. “Do you think Mr. M was really telling the truth? Do you think this really is a bottomless pit?”
“I’m beginning to suspect it might be,” Jack admitted. “But then we aren’t actually going to die, are we?”
Jack frowned. It wasn’t a pleasant prospect. “I hate gravity,” said Jack. And then he realized something. “Trudy, grab my hand.”
Trudy looked at Jack with disdain. “Jack, even if we are going to die I don’t want to start holding hands. People would talk.”
Jack ignored her and grabbed hold of her hand. “Right, now let’s try to pull together. I want to try something that might save us. We’ll need to hug.”
Trudy sighed and gave in.
“All right, now I want you to concentrate on what I’m saying.”
“I’m listening.”
“Think about gravity. What do you know about it?”
“Well, it’s when things are attracted to each other.”
“Exactly,” said Jack. “So, when the apple fell out of the tree onto Isaac Newton’s head, what was it trying to do? What was its motivation?”
“I don’t think apples actually have a motivation, Jack.”
“Humor me!”
“I suppose it was trying to get to the ground.”46
“That’s my point. Exactly.”
“What?” Trudy was getting frustrated and she really didn’t enjoy hugging.
“Think about it, Trudy—we’re falling down a bottomless pit. Which means there is no ground below us—it’s bottomless. And if there is no ground, then there’s nothing for gravity to pull us toward. Which means…”
Trudy gasped as she realized what Jack meant. Jack and Trudy stopped falling and hung in the air. Trudy pushed Jack away from her and they hung motionless.
“This is amazing!”
Jack smiled. “Yes, I suspected that we were just falling out of habit more than anything else. This must really be a bottomless pit, which means that there’s no ground. And if there’s no ground, then gravity doesn’t have anything to pull us toward.”