by Sandi Lynn
“I don’t know. We’ve been fighting a lot.”
“About what?” I asked as I scooped some Pad Thai onto my plate.
“Is this where you’re going to give me some love advice?”
“Nah, I’m off the clock.” I smiled as I bit into the spring roll.
Keaton, with his six-foot stature, neutral brown hair, dreamy hazel eyes, and a ripped surfer’s body, made women gravitate towards him as if he were some kind of magnet.
“Good, because I don’t want any. I’m living life free, sis. I don’t want to be tied down to one person. There are a whole lot of women out there to explore.”
I rolled my eyes.
“How about you?”
“How about me what?” I got up and grabbed a bottle of merlot and two glasses.
“There are a lot of men out there to explore.”
My family’s very existence these days consisted of trying to get me to find someone. What they didn’t understand was that I didn’t want anyone else. I wanted my husband back and I wanted what we had back. The only thing I saw right now for me was a future of being alone.
“No thanks. I had my guy and he was ripped away from me in a matter of seconds.”
Keaton never looked at me with the sadness that the rest of the family did. He saw me as something else. Not just a woman who lost her husband, but a survivor. At least that was what he called me.
“You know, Paisley, there are other guys out there for you.”
“I don’t want to talk about this!” I said in a raised voice.
“You never want to talk about it, but you have to. You have to accept what happened.”
“I have.”
“No, you haven’t. Because if you did, you wouldn’t stay locked up in this house day after day and night after night. Damn, it’s been almost a year.”
“Is this why you came over?”
He gave me his cocky grin. “No. I came over to visit my favorite sister. Don’t tell Piper and Charlotte I said that. After all, you were the one who taught me to surf.”
“Ah yes. I was the bad sibling.” I smiled as I sipped my wine. “Don’t you have somewhere you have to be?”
“Nope. Not tonight,” he said as he made himself comfortable on the couch and turned on the TV.
I sighed. I loved my brother to death, but I just wanted to be alone. Keaton and I were very close. I was close with all my siblings, but there was more of a special connection between the two of us. I could talk to him about things that I wasn’t really comfortable talking to Piper or Charlotte about. Not that it mattered, because everyone in our family had big mouths and no secret was ever safe.
“How about a movie?” he asked.
“Sure. Let me go change into my pajamas first.”
As I walked in the bedroom and opened the closet, I stopped and stared at the row of clothes that were his. Everything was still the way it was the day he died. His drawers were full of his socks and boxers. Sweatpants and sweatshirts still took up half the dresser drawers and his shoes still sat upon the shelves in a neat little row. Romeo strutted in and rubbed up against me, breaking me from my sad thoughts. As I bent down and picked him up, holding him close, I sighed.
“I miss him so much, Romeo.”
“Meow,” he replied as he began to purr.
“I wish you could have known him. He was an amazing and loving man,” I said as tears sprang to my eyes.
“Paisley?”
I turned around. Keaton was standing there with the remote in his hand. I quickly put Romeo down and wiped my eyes.
“Yeah?”
“Whenever you’re ready to pack up his things, I’ll help you,” he said.
“Thanks.” I took in a deep breath and walked over to my pajama drawer.
“The remote needs new batteries. Do you have any?”
“Yeah. Junk drawer in the kitchen.”
“Thanks. I thought maybe we could watch the new X-Men movie.”
“Sounds good. I’ll be out in a minute.”
He turned around and walked away. People had told me that I should move. That I should buy a new place and start new memories. I didn’t want a new place and I didn’t want new memories. I only wanted the memories we made together. People were delusional if they thought otherwise.
I changed into my pajamas and sat down on the couch next to Keaton. He put his arm around me and kissed my cheek. “Remember, don’t be telling Piper and Charlotte what I said. They’ll kick my ass.” He smiled.
When I awoke the next morning, I found Romeo snuggled against me with his tail across my nose. As I reached over to pet him, he quietly meowed and moved to the end of the bed. I guess he didn’t want to be bothered. I rolled over on my side and stared at the empty spot where my husband used to lie. I ran my hand gently over the soft and unwrinkled sheet as I closed my eyes and thought about our first night in this bed.
“Feels a little stiff for me,” he said.
“We laid on it in the store and you loved it.”
“I really couldn’t get the right feel because the salesman was standing there.”
“How were you going to get the right feel?”
“By doing this.” He smiled as he pulled me on top of him.
I laughed, and his lips brushed against mine. “This bed will have many stories to tell for the next five years.”
“Only five years?” I asked as I kissed him.
“Yeah, because by that time, we’ll have had so much wild and crazy sex on it that it’ll be begging us to buy a new one.”
“I like that idea.” I smiled.
Romeo started nudging me, indicating that he was hungry. I sighed as I climbed out of bed and made my way to the kitchen to open a can of Fancy Feast. After giving him breakfast, I poured a cup of coffee and sat down at my desk. It was something I did every Saturday morning since my husband had passed away. I took out a piece of pale pink paper from the drawer and my ballpoint black ink pen.
My dearest husband,
This was yet another tough week for me. It’s getting harder to get out of bed in the mornings. They say with time, it gets easier. For me, it’s not. I’m not quite sure why, considering we’ve been apart for almost a year. I went into the office a few days and I had lunch with Lucy. All she talked about was how she suspected that Ray was cheating on her. I went dress shopping with Piper. She and Liam were going out for their one-year dating anniversary. I think he’s going to ask her to marry him. Mom sent Keaton over last night to check up on me, which you know I hate, and he started in on me about not leaving the house. I can feel you here, watching over me, and being home helps me stay closer to you. I love you and I miss you something awful. Take care, my darling.
Love forever,
Paisley
I folded the piece of paper neatly and stuck it in the matching pale pink envelope. I opened my side drawer and tucked the letter neatly behind all the others I’d written every Saturday for almost a year.
Chapter 4
Ben
I put on my running shoes and headed out the door for my run. Being a fireman, it was important to keep in shape, plus the morning air always cleared my mind for the day. Amy wasn’t much of a runner, so she didn’t jog with me in the mornings. She preferred to work out on her elliptical machine, listening to her favorite music. Being it was Saturday and I had the weekend off, I was going to spend it finishing up the table I was building.
After running ten miles, I hopped into the shower and let the cool water refresh my body. When I finished, I stepped out, wrapped the towel around my waist, and checked my phone. There was a missed call from Brady and a voice message.
“Ben, Linda is going out with her girlfriends tonight and I need to babysit Kara. Are you up for some cards tonight? It’s been a while, man. Call me back.”
I sighed as I set my phone down. Brady and I had been friends for the past five years. He was a great guy and a good friend. After Amy passed away, his wife Linda, cooked two weeks’ worth of meals for me and c
ame over and cleaned my house a few times, even though I told her it wasn’t necessary. Linda was one of those people who always threw herself into helping others no matter what she had going on in her own life.
“Tell me you’re coming over tonight,” Brady said as he answered my call.
“Yeah, cards sound good. What time?”
“How’s seven? I’ll order us a couple pizzas.”
“Seven it is, and I’ll bring the beer.”
“Thanks, man. You’re saving me tonight.” He chuckled.
After putting on some old clothes, I went into the garage and started sanding the table top one last time before coating it with the cherry stain I’d bought.
“It’s good to see you Ben,” Linda said as I kissed her cheek.
“Good to see you too.”
Kara came running over to me and wrapped her tiny arms around my legs. “Hi there, Kara.” I smiled as I gave the beer to Brady and picked her up. She put her hands on my cheeks and squeezed my face while she laughed. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t a little bit jealous of Brady’s family.
“I’m off. You boys behave yourself. Kara, keep an eye on your daddy for me.” Linda smiled as she kissed her goodbye.
I set Kara down and followed Brady into the kitchen. “Why don’t we ever go out?” he asked.
“You know I don’t really go out much anymore,” I replied.
“You should, Ben. All you do is work and build furniture. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but you need a social life too.”
“Yeah, yeah. I know, and when I’m ready, I’ll let you know.”
It was the same spiel every time from everyone I knew. The pizza arrived and, as I answered the door, Brady put Kara to bed. I set the pizza boxes on the counter and grabbed a couple of pieces and a bottle of beer.
“I hope she goes to sleep. She’s been really fussy at night,” Brady said as he sat down at the table. “Oh, I hope you don’t mind, but I invited Lance and Juan over to play.”
“That’s fine,” I said.
Lance and Juan worked at the fire station with us. We were considered group A and we were all scheduled to go back to work on Monday, working three days straight and then having the next four days off. The doorbell rang and Brady got up and opened the door.
“Hey, guys,” I said as they both sat down.
“Who’s ready for some poker? I brought the chips.” Juan smiled.
“We have to be quiet. Kara is sleeping and, believe me, we don’t want to wake her,” Brady said.
The four of us ate pizza, talked, laughed, drank some beer, and, as always, I was winning.
“I met this chick a couple nights ago at the bar,” Lance said as he pulled out his phone. “She can suck dick like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.”
“What happened to Julie?” I asked.
“She was fucking psycho, bro. I couldn’t take her anymore, so I had to let her go.”
“Really? Because last week, the two of you were still together,” I said.
“Yeah, I know. I’ve moved on to Serenity.” He smiled.
“Where’d you meet her? The strip club?” Brady laughed.
He didn’t say anything, and we all looked at him. “Dude, did you go to the strip club by yourself?” Juan asked.
“I was torn up over having to break up with Julie and I needed to unwind and look at some eye candy. There’s nothing wrong with going to a strip club by yourself.”
We all laughed as I won and swept up all the chips.
“She’s a stripper, dude. You let a stripper suck your dick? I’d be having that thing examined by a doctor,” Brady said.
“Fuck you.” Lance laughed as he threw a chip at him.
I got up and grabbed another beer, asking if anyone else wanted one.
“Juan, how often do you and Becky have sex?” Brady asked.
“Usually twice a week. Why?”
“Linda has been slacking on her wifely duties lately. Can you believe it’s been over a month since we did it?”
“What?!” Both Juan and Lance said.
“Have you talked to her about it?” I asked.
“Yeah. She just said she isn’t in the mood and she’s tired all the time. Between work and Kara, she said she just doesn’t want to.”
“That’s not normal, man,” Juan said as he shook his head.
“You need to get some different pussy, dude!” Lance blurted out.
“Yeah, right. I would never cheat on Linda.”
“How about you, Ben? Don’t sit there and tell me that you haven’t had sex since Amy.”
This was why I hated getting together with these guys since Amy passed away. “I haven’t.”
Juan chuckled. “What do you do? Jack off to porn?”
I didn’t say anything because it was none of their business. Amy and I had a great sex life, but now she was gone and so was the sex. As great as it would be to have sex again, I only wanted it with my wife.
“Guys, that’s not cool,” Brady said.
“Sorry, man,” they said as they patted me on the back.
Chapter 5
Paisley
Sunday. The day of family dinner. Sunday had become the day I dreaded the most. Don’t get me wrong – I loved my family more than anything. It was just that family dinners seemed to turn into a pity party. When I walked into the kitchen, I could smell my mom’s homemade pumpkin pie. She always made them this time of year, especially with Halloween in a few days.
“It smells delicious in here.” I smiled as I walked over and kissed her.
“Thank you, sweetheart. I made a pie for you to take home.”
Pumpkin pie was his favorite. My mom made them every year for us and, since he passed, she didn’t stop to think that I no longer wanted pumpkin pie. I graciously smiled at her and didn’t say a word. It would hurt her feelings if I did.
“Hey, you.” Charlotte smiled as she walked over and hugged me. “I’m sorry I didn’t get the chance to call you last week. I’ve been pulling double shifts at the hospital. This flu season has been killing us.”
“It’s okay. I’ve been pretty busy anyway.” I smiled. “Where is everyone?”
“They’re in the back, playing football with your dad,” my mom replied.
I grabbed a cigarette from my purse and walked outside. “I wish you wouldn’t do that,” my mom yelled from the kitchen.
“Yeah, yeah, Mom.”
When I walked outside, I took a seat at the table next to Piper.
“Hey, sis.”
“How was your anniversary dinner?” I asked as I lit up my cigarette.
“It was amazing!” She grabbed my arm and smiled. “I’ve been dying to tell you. Liam asked me to marry him! I haven’t told anyone yet because we’re announcing it at dinner, so act really surprised!”
I was happy for Piper. Very happy. But a part of me fell hard because I wasn’t ready to deal with my sister’s wedding. “Piper, I’m so happy for you. Congratulations! I don’t want to hug you because they’ll know something’s up.”
“Thank you. I was going to call you yesterday and tell you, but we just kind of got busy.”
I was puffing away on my smoke when my dad walked over to me. I put out the cigarette before he hugged me.
“Hi, my baby girl. I haven’t seen you in a while.”
“Dad, I was just here last Sunday for family dinner.”
“It still seems like forever.” He smiled. “I hate you smelling like smoke.”
“Paisley,” Keaton yelled as he high fived me.
Liam and Ryan gave me a kiss on the cheek before we were summoned for dinner. We all took our usual seats in the dining room. The seat to my left remained empty, just as it had been for almost a year. Nobody ever bothered to move down a chair. I didn’t know if they were afraid that I’d rip their heads off or if I would break down and cry. My mom was a phenomenal cook and she loved it. She cooked for every holiday or any special occasion she could think of.
As we passed the food around the table, Piper took hold of Liam’s hand and stood up.
“Liam and I have an announcement to make. We’re getting married!” she exclaimed as she held out her hand with her beautiful huge diamond ring.
My mom cupped her hands over her mouth, jumped up, and ran over to give them a hug. Everyone was so happy. I sat there with a smile on my face and noticed my dad looking over at me, making sure I was okay. And I was okay until Charlotte stood up and made an announcement.
“I would like to make a toast to Piper and Liam. Congratulations on your engagement. May you have many long and wonderful years together. Ryan and I also have some news of our own to share. We’re having a baby!” She smiled.
Keep it together. Keep it together. Keep it together. I chanted in my head over and over again. My mom put her hands over her heart this time and tears sprang from her eyes. My dad was filled with joy as he congratulated her. The air in the room was light until all eyes focused on me. I held up my glass and congratulated them with tears in my eyes. Happiness tears to my family. Sad and lonely tears to me.
Once things had calmed down and we finished eating, I helped my mom, Charlotte, and Piper clean up.
“I can’t believe I’m finally going to be a grandma,” my mom said with excitement.
“Have you set a wedding date yet?” I asked Piper.
“No, but now it will be after Charlotte’s baby is born. I need both my sisters in my wedding,” she said as she hooked her arm around me and laid her head on my shoulder.
“So much exciting news today!” My mom smiled.
I grabbed a cigarette and my lighter and went out to the patio. I sat there just as the sun was starting to set.
“Hey,” Keaton said as he sat down next to me.
“Hey.”
“You okay with all the news today?”
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“You don’t need to pretend with me, Paisley.”
I took a puff of my smoke and looked away. “What do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that it totally sucks that my two sisters have the most incredible news and are so deliriously happy while I’m sitting here still mourning the death of my husband after only one year of marriage at twenty-seven years old?”