Dirty

by Ella Miles

“So, who do you want? Me or my brother?” I tease, although I’m not really teasing. I need her to choose one of us. I need her to choose me. Controlling the Carini empire means nothing to me without her by my side.

  I expect her to smile, like she always does. She knows that I made a joke to try to lighten the mood, but she doesn’t smile. Her eyes go back and forth between both of us.

  “I want to go home.”

  My heart sinks. That was the one answer I wasn’t expecting. I wanted her to choose me. But I don’t understand her choice.

  “I thought you saved me because you…” I can’t finish.

  “Because you thought I loved you more?” Nina finishes for me.

  I nod.

  She closes her eyes a second as a wave of pain hits her.

  “I saved myself. That’s all it was. I didn’t want either of you to die. But it ultimately wasn’t about either of you. I chose one of you to save and one to die because I had to save myself. Arlo had been shot the most, and I felt he had the best chance of surviving.”

  My eyes widen. My heart has just been ripped from my body. I thought she loved me. How stupid was I?

  I look across to Arlo, who seems just as hurt. Not surprised. Just in pain.

  She really did play us all.

  “Of course,” Arlo finally answers for us because I’m too angry to say anything. “As soon as you are well enough to fly, we will have you on the first flight home. But you do need to know that, when you leave here, you aren’t safe. You need to hire the best protection you can.”

  “What do you mean, I’m not safe?” Nina asks.

  Arlo sighs. “We think Enrico survived. We think some of the guards were still sympathetic toward their old master and saved him. It’s also possible that Erick and Clive want you. Not as likely, but they aren’t happy that we took you from them. If they realize that we let you go, they might come after you. Or any number of our enemies. Promise me that you will protect yourself.”

  “I promise,” Nina says.

  Arlo drops her hand and begins to wheel himself out of the room. I follow, not even able to look at Nina right now.

  When I get to the hallway though, I explode. “We are not going to just fucking let her go. Not after everything we went through!”

  “Yes, we are,” Arlo says.

  “Like hell we are! She almost killed you. And she played both of us to save herself. She…” I can’t even finish.

  “We are letting her go.”

  I glare at him. “You aren’t the boss. I am. You can thank that stupid little cunt in there for that.”

  “She ripped out my heart, too, but keeping her would make us as bad as Enrico. We aren’t the best people in the world, but we are better than him.” He pauses. “But, ultimately, that decision is up to you.”

  I look at him with a raised eyebrow. “So, you are going to respect that I am the new head of the family?”

  He nods. “Do I still have a job, working for you, or do I need to find employment elsewhere?”

  I smile as Arlo and I shake on our new arrangement. I turn my attention toward my heartache in the hospital bed on the other side of the door. I don’t want to keep being a monster, so I’ll let her go. But I feel my heart harden as I think about Nina. My heart closes off a little more to the world.

  My father used to always say that my mother betraying him was what he needed to become the leader that he was. He needed that heartbreak to become a stronger, more powerful leader. And I think, for the first time, that he might be right.

  27

  Nina

  My heart races much too fast as the plane lands in Miami. In just a few minutes, I will get to be in my husband’s arms again. This is the moment I never thought would happen. But somehow is.

  It seems like forever passes, but finally, it’s my turn to depart the plane. I stand up, my body still aching and painful from my injuries. I’ll have scars the rest of my life. Not all of them visible, but they will always stay with me and remind me of my time in Italy.

  I walk off the plane, following behind the people in front of me. I don’t have a bag, nothing but the clothes on my back, and my nerves make me want to run past the slow people in front of me, but I don’t. I’m patient. I’ve waited this long. I can wait a few more seconds.

  But, when I walk off the plane, I can’t hold back any longer. I quickly run through the airport, scanning the signs so that I can find the way out of the secure area and to where I know Heath and Eden are waiting for me.

  The stupid signs are confusing as hell, but I finally start running in the right direction. Minutes pass as I run through the airport until I finally see them standing there.

  They start running toward me at the same time that I run toward them. Alarms start going off as they run into the secured area without permission. A security guard stops Eden, but Heath gets through.

  We collide together. My arms go around his neck while he lifts me up into his arms.

  Tears stream down both of our faces.

  And we have no words.

  None are needed to express how we are feeling.

  We are back together, and that’s all that matters.

  Eventually, Heath starts carrying me back to the unsecured area where we are met with guards giving Heath dirty looks.

  “You would do the same if you’d just gotten the woman you loved back after thinking she was dead,” Heath says.

  The guards slowly back off. That’s when I see Eden trying to hold herself back because she wants me and Heath to have a moment together. But she can’t.

  She throws her arms around both of us.

  “I’m so glad you are safe,” Eden sobs.

  We all sob.

  “We tried so hard to get to you. But we weren’t even allowed into the country,” Eden says.

  I wipe her tears and Heath’s and then my own. I shake my head. Of course the Carinis told the government to keep them out of the country.

  “I’m glad you didn’t succeed in getting into Italy. I just wanted you both to be safe. You couldn’t have saved me anyway. I had to save myself.”

  They don’t question me. They just hold me, wrapping me in their love.

  “I love you so much, Nina. I’m never going to let you go again,” Heath says.

  “I know all you want to do is fuck her, Heath, but good luck getting me to let her go anytime soon,” Eden says.

  We all laugh.

  “I love you both so much. Let’s go home,” I say.

  I do love them both, but I also can’t help but think of the two other men I also love. Men I love just because they saved me. That’s it. It will eventually disappear. I just need to get back to normal. Whatever that is. Then, my love for them will fade while my love for Heath and Eden takes over.

  “You can fuck me harder than that,” I say as I roll off of Heath.

  He sighs. “I don’t know how I can fuck you much harder than that, Nina, without hurting you.”

  “You won’t hurt me. But I like it rough.”

  “I know, but all I think about when I have rough sex with you is what you must have gone through.”

  I frown. “Maybe I want you to erase those memories by making new, darker ones.”

  “What if I can’t erase them?” he asks.

  I exhale. It’s the fifth time he’s asked me that in the last six months. My wounds have mostly healed, but it’s clear that Heath’s have not. I know I should be just as patient with him as he is with me, but it’s hard. I’m ready to live life to the fullest while he is more cautious than ever before.

  I hear a knock on the door and groan. Heath gives me a look that tells me to be nice, but I still grumble as I grab a robe and walk to the door.

  “Yes, Jeffrey,” I say to the most cautious member of my security team.

  “I heard a loud noise and wanted to check and make sure you were okay, ma’am.”

  I sigh. “I’m clearly fine. Heath and I were having sex. You don’t have to check on me when I
’m having sex. We’ve already had this conversation.”

  “I’m sorry, ma’am. It won’t happen again. Have a good night.”

  “Good night, Jeffrey,” I say, closing the door before taking off my robe and heading back to bed. “Are you sure we can’t hire someone else?” I ask, climbing back into bed with Heath.

  “He’s the best.”

  “He’s overly cautious, and I can’t do anything. I don’t feel normal.”

  Heath frowns. “The only thing that matters to me is that you are always safe. I can’t lose you again. You’re too important to me.”

  I nod. “Snuggle with me.”

  Heath obliges me, wrapping his arms around me as the conversation ends. Within minutes, Heath is asleep while I do everything to stay awake, thinking about my new life. A life where I feel almost as trapped as I did at the Carini mansion. Trapped by Heath’s worries. Trapped by my own security team.

  The only place I can escape is in my dreams. Dreams I shouldn’t be having. But they are the only place where I feel free.

  “You aren’t happy,” Eden says as she munches on her pizza.

  “Of course I’m happy. I’m with a man I love. I’m safe. What more could I need?”

  “Heath isn’t happy either.”

  My heart stops when she says that. “What do you mean?”

  He’s never shown me any signs that he’s unhappy.

  “He loves you. He always will, and he will never tell you this because he loves you so much and doesn’t want to lose you, but his whole life has become about you. He obsesses about you. He doesn’t work anymore. He doesn’t have hobbies or friends. All he does is worry if you are safe. You have to set him free.”

  I swallow hard just as Heath walks over. He said he would let me go to lunch with just Eden and my security team to ensure that I was safe. But he can’t even do that.

  Eden turns and sees him, too. “I’m going to take my pizza to go.” Eden gives Heath a sweet smile and me a knowing look before she leaves.

  “She didn’t have to go,” Heath says.

  “She needed to. Can we talk?” I ask.

  “Of course.” He takes Eden’s seat across from me.

  “I don’t know how to start this.” I swallow and then say some of the hardest words of my life, “I love you, Heath. That will never, ever change, no matter what happens. You don’t know how happy I am that I found you before I was kidnapped. Knowing that I had you to return to kept me alive more than once, and for that, I’m forever grateful. And, if I hadn’t had been kidnapped, I’m sure that we would have spent a lifetime being happy together. But I was kidnapped. And it’s changed us both.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “That we both feel trapped right now. And that’s no way to live. I want us to be free.”

  Heath narrows his eyes at me as he tries to understand what I’m saying. “I love you, Nina. I’ll do anything for you.”

  I smile. “I know you will. It’s one of the reasons I love you so much. But this isn’t healthy. Neither of us is really living. We are just worrying that something is going to happen to the other. We are living in fear. And I can’t have that. I think we need a break. Not necessarily a breakup. But just some time to live on our own.”

  “No, I don’t want to be without you.”

  I feel the knot in my stomach. I could lose him if I do this. But I need some time on my own. I need some time to figure out who I am without a man again. I need some time to figure out where my heart lies.

  “I’m not saying forever. Just give me one month. One month apart, and then you tell me how you feel. Then, you tell me what you want.”

  He scowls.

  “I’ll have the security team with me the whole time. You can still get daily reports. And I’ll call you often. I just need to be alone for a little while. And I think you need some time to find yourself again without me.”

  He narrows his eyes, but I see he understands.

  “Can you agree to that?”

  “One month?”

  I nod.

  “I’m going to miss you like hell. But, yes, I’ll always give you what you need.”

  Thirty days go by far faster than I ever thought it could.

  I’ve spent my time doing everything I never thought I would. I rented a tiny shack in the middle of nowhere, and I spent my time reading, going to the shooting range, and painting. Even though my paintings always turned out horrible, they were therapeutic to paint.

  I talked to Heath several times over the month, and every time I did, he sounded happier. Freer. He started working again. Hanging out with friends. Living again.

  I’m starting to be happy again, too. I still don’t know what my future holds, but I do know that I don’t need a man to take care of me to be happy. I can find happiness in myself.

  Today is the last day of our month apart. We haven’t talked about what we are going to do on our first day back together. We haven’t talked about how we are going to be reunited, but I’m sure Heath will call later tonight to make a plan.

  I hear a knock on the front door of the cabin I’m renting. I walk to the door, already knowing it’s Jeffrey.

  I open the door. “What’s up?”

  “I have a letter for you, ma’am.”

  “Thank you,” I say, taking the letter from him and heading back to my sofa as I stare at the letter that I know is from Heath.

  I slowly open the letter while trying to guess what’s inside. Tickets to Hawaii? He’s always talked about wanting to go there for our honeymoon that we never had. A love letter? Something naughty, like maybe a picture of his dick?

  But what falls out of the envelope isn’t any of those things. I unfold the legal document and read the attached small note.

  * * *

  To my beautiful Nina,

  I love you more than life itself. I will always love you, and I know you will always love me. But that doesn’t mean we are meant to be together forever, just to love each other forever.

  You set me free when I needed it the most. I couldn’t see how it was for the best at the time. Now, I do. And, now, it’s my turn to return the favor.

  Love forever,

  Heath

  * * *

  I glance back to the legal document. Divorce papers. I flip to the last page where Heath signed the document.

  A single tear drips down my face and onto the document. He loves me, and I love him, but sometimes, love isn’t enough. Not when I spend all my nights dreaming of another.

  28

  Arlo

  My life is miserable. I live a pathetic existence. But, at least, I have a life. I never thought I would be okay with giving up control to anyone, least of all my brother. But that is where I’ve found myself.

  He makes most of the big decisions about the direction of our family while I run the day-to-day business. I handle the meetings and the tactical team. Basically, my life is the same as it was before, but instead of taking orders from Enrico, I take them from Matteo. My life is a little better but only slightly.

  Right now, all I want to do is go back to my bedroom, sleep, and try to forget about everything. I’ll have to drink a fifth of whiskey to have any shot of sleeping without dreaming about Nina. But that’s what I’ll have to do tonight. I need a dreamless sleep.

  I unlock my door and walk inside. I still immediately. Someone is here.

  Enrico?

  Clive?

  Erick?

  Or any number of my enemies. Someone is here to hurt me. I pull my gun out, ready to take out whoever is here. I might not be happy, but I don’t want to die. Not anymore.

  I silently search my rooms, looking for the intruder, but I don’t find anyone. My heart beats faster as I go from room to room until I only have my bedroom left. I creep to the door and throw it open with my gun aimed. Then, I see my target standing in the center of the room.

  Nina.

  I close my eyes and open them again because I’m sure that my mind is p
laying tricks on me. Someone else is standing in my bedroom. Not Nina.

  “Hello,” she says in her sweet voice.

  Then, I know she’s real.

  I lower my gun. “You can’t be here.”

  She nods. “I won’t stay long.”

  Please stay, my heart begs.

  “How did you get in here?” I ask, hoping that Matteo doesn’t know she’s here.

  He has been dealing with her rejection worse than I have.

  “I snuck in. I know I shouldn’t have, but I needed to see you alone.”

  I exhale, trying to seem unaffected by her presence. “Matteo has been a mess without you. He says he has his shit together. But he’s lying.”

  “I’m sorry I hurt your brother.”

  I stare into her eyes, searching for why she is here. Revenge? Closure? What?

  “I was hoping you would answer a few questions that I have left.”

  I feel the tightness in my chest when she speaks. I would do anything for her. I’d die for her. I almost did. But the way she said that has brought up too many memories of her exchanging questions for sex. It’s not fair—what her words do to me—and she knows it.

  “Of course,” I say instead of trying to keep my shit together.

  She bites her lip. She’s nervous. As nervous as I am. But I don’t know why when she has all the control. She has all the power she always has.

  “Why did you save me?” she asks.

  “Because you saved me first.”

  “How did I save you?”

  “I hated my life before I saw you. I was tired of my father’s games. I was depressed. I wanted to kill myself. I was going to kill myself that night. I thought it was for the best. If I were gone, my father would have no choice but to let Matteo inherit everything. But then you fell into my pool. I saw how obsessed you were with me, and it intrigued me. It gave me something to live for. I was curious about you, about your obsession, and I couldn’t kill myself without knowing more about you even though, for your safety, I knew I needed to stay far away. Your obsession with me kept me alive.”