by Nele Neuhaus
When she came out of the dressing room, Lilly was gone. Pia figured she was probably hiding somewhere among the clothes racks, just to annoy her. Pia went to the checkout counter and got in the line that looked the shortest. A big mistake, as it turned out, because the woman in front of her was buying fourteen items and her credit card didn’t work. Pia nervously kept a lookout for Lilly. Finally, she was able to pay. She put the shopping bag under her arm and headed off to find the girl.
The little rascal wasn’t in the women’s department or the men’s. She asked a salesclerk where the rest rooms were, which turned out to be in the basement, and took the escalator down. But Lilly wasn’t there, either. Gradually, Pia’s anger turned to concern. She wasn’t used to being responsible for a child. After she’d searched the whole store in vain and asked every salesclerk if they’d seen a little girl with blond pigtails, she went out into the mall. Throngs of people were wandering through the place. How could she possibly find Lilly in this crowd? She started to feel upset. She thought about cases in which children had disappeared without a trace in shopping centers, because they walked off with some stranger who promised them an ice cream or a toy.
Now frantic, she hurried into the costume jewelry store where Lilly had seen a pink pearl necklace that she just had to have. No trace of her. Nobody seemed to have seen her. Not even at the ice-cream stand, or the DVD section of the Media Mart on the second floor. In a panic, Pia ran back to the fountain. She rudely bumped into strangers, who hurled curses after her. At first, she’d imagined that she would tell Lilly off, but after half an hour she was only praying silently to find the girl unharmed.
There was a line waiting at the information booth.
“Please, could I cut in?” she gasped. “I’m looking for a lost child.”
Most people were understanding and let her go ahead of them, until she got to two grandmothers who stubbornly insisted that their business was more important than a lost child. As cool as ice, one of them bought three gift certificates, and the other asked where some store was and didn’t understand what the woman in the booth was trying to explain. Finally, it was Pia’s turn.
“Could you please help me find my—” She stopped. How exactly should she describe her relationship to Lilly? Could you please make an announcement? I’m trying to find the granddaughter of my live-in boyfriend? How crazy did that sound?
“Yes?” The chubby, bored slowpoke at the information desk gave her a blank look. Without embarrassment, she was scratching at her cleavage with multicolored lacquered nails that looked like claws.
“I’ve…” Pia began a second time, then decided on the uncomplicated version.
“My daughter is lost,” she blurted out. “Could you please page her for me?”
“What’s her name?” asked the fat lady lethargically. “Where should she meet you?”
“Her name is Lilly. Lilly Sander.”
“What?”
Man, she was stupid!
Pia spelled it out impatiently. “L-I-L-L-Y. Tell her to meet me at the fountain. Or no, wait—the ice-cream shop is better. She doesn’t know her way around here.”
Finally, the cow got it and made a halfway intelligible announcement, but Pia doubted that Lilly would realize that it was for her.
“Thank you,” she said, and headed for the ice-cream stand to keep an eye out for Lilly. What else could she do? Her knees were shaky, her stomach was cramping, and she realized that what she was feeling was fear. Pia forced herself not to think about all the things that could happen to a pretty, blond seven-year-old girl.
For the first time in her life, she understood what really went on in the minds of parents with missing kids. This kind of helplessness and uncertainty was pure hell. So how horrible must it be to endure these feelings for weeks, months, or even years? She also grasped how little consolation it must be for parents when the police assured them they would do everything humanly possible to find the child.
Pia thought she saw Lilly in every blond girl who passed by. Her heart leapt each time, followed by disappointment that brought tears of despair to her eyes. People strolled past her, and at last Pia could no longer stand the waiting and inaction. She took off at a brisk pace. She had to search on her own; otherwise, she would go crazy. She forgot all the hollow advice she had given to parents of missing kids about the need to stay calm. Loaded down with her shoulder bag and department store bag, she hurried into the store where she’d last been with Lilly. She went back to the ice-cream stand, to the costume jewelry shop, to the crafts store where Lilly had seen some stuffed animal she wanted. Finally, she went back to the Media Mart. She asked a zillion people if they’d seen Lilly, but nobody had.
Finally, she decided to take her shopping bag to the car so that she could look for Lilly without feeling encumbered. On the way to the parking garage, she considered calling her colleagues on the beat. Officers in uniform who asked people questions were usually taken more seriously than a sweaty, panicky woman.
But what was she going to tell Christoph? She couldn’t return home without finding his granddaughter! Pia fumbled to get the car keys out of her bag. Then she looked up and couldn’t believe her eyes. Arms around her knees, Lilly was huddled on the ground next to the rear tire of the car.
“Pia!” she yelled, jumping to her feet. “Where have you been?”
With a deafening crash, the whole north face of the Eiger slid from Pia’s heart. Her knees suddenly turned soft as butter, and she began to sob with relief. She dropped her bags and car keys and pulled the girl into her arms.
“Good Lord, Lilly! You really gave me a scare,” she whispered. “I’ve been looking all over the mall for you.”
“I had to go to the bathroom so bad.” Lilly flung her little arms around Pia’s neck and rubbed her cheek against Pia’s. “And then I couldn’t find you. I … I thought you … you were mad at me and drove off without me.…”
The little girl was sobbing, too.
“Oh, Lilly dear, I’d never do that.” Pia stroked her hair and rocked her in her arms. She never wanted to let her go. “What do you say we go have an ice-cream cone and then buy you another dress, hmm?”
“Oh yeah.” Beneath her tears, there was a glimmer of a smile. “Ice cream sounds great.”
“Well, let’s go, then.” Pia stood up. Lilly clutched her hand tightly.
“I’ll never let you go again,” Pia promised.
* * *
After a quarter of an hour, the matter under discussion, which was Behnke’s attempt to discredit his former boss, had been roundly dismissed. Based on the available records and reports, Bodenstein was able to prove indisputably that he had investigated the suspicious circumstances in the case of the aggravated assault against Friedhelm Döring in 2005, before he’d had to terminate the investigation due to lack of evidence.
The three-person commission from Internal Affairs was satisfied, and Bodenstein and Dr. Nicola Engel were found blameless of any wrongdoing. Behnke had sat in silence, red in the face and seething like a pressure cooker. Bodenstein wouldn’t have been surprised to hear a shrill whistle come out of his ears.
While Nicola Engel was still speaking with the director of the presiding office to which the Department of Internal Affairs belonged, Bodenstein waited outside in the hall and spent the time checking his iPhone. No important developments. He was glad that the whole matter had been dispatched so swiftly, because he didn’t want to arrive late at the appointment with the notary and the buyer. Last week, he’d reached an agreement with the bankrupt owner of half of the duplex in Ruppertshain, and the day before yesterday he’d gotten the green light from the savings bank for the financing. Inka had contacted the contractor firms at once, and they could resume work in mid-July. The prospect of being able to live within his own four walls in less than six months from now, and to stop renting lodgings at his parents’ estate, had given Bodenstein a real burst of energy. After two long, dismal years with no sense of purpose, he now felt
that he was finally standing at the rudder and able to determine the direction his life would take. Some men suffered a midlife crisis after fifty, but it had struck him a year earlier. While he waited for the commissioner, he thought about furniture that he wanted to buy, and about the design of the garden. He wondered whether it was going to be painful to clear out the house that he and Cosima had built and lived in for twenty-five years.
“Bodenstein!”
He turned around. Frank Behnke was coming toward him. Barely suppressed anger flashed in his eyes, and for a moment Bodenstein had the crazy idea that Behnke was going to pull out his service weapon and gun him down in the corridor of State Criminal Police headquarters just to be rid of his own pent-up frustration.
“I don’t know what kind of strings you pulled,” he snarled. “But I’m going to find out. You’re covering up something big-time.”
Bodenstein scrutinized the man who had once been a close colleague. He felt neither malicious glee nor animosity toward Behnke, who had failed in his efforts to prove Bodenstein guilty of dereliction of duty. He felt sorry for Behnke. Something had gone fundamentally wrong in his life. His bitterness was eating him up, and now his inferiority complex and vengefulness had taken him over completely. For a long time, Bodenstein had protected his younger colleague, showing him more leniency than was fair to the rest of his team. Too long. Behnke hadn’t listened to any of his admonitions and in the end had pushed things so far that Bodenstein had been forced to distance himself from the man in order not to be pulled into the maelstrom of events.
“Frank, let’s put this behind us for good,” Bodenstein said in a conciliatory tone of voice. “For my part, I’ll forget the whole thing here and now, and I won’t hold it against you.”
“Oh, how gracious of you!” Behnke gave a spiteful laugh. “I don’t give a shit whether you’re going to hold anything against me or not. You dropped me like a hot potato when Kirchhoff joined the team. I’m not going to forget that. Ever. From that day on, I was relegated to second best. And I know for a fact that Kirchhoff and Fachinger have always complained about me. Those two bitches made me look ridiculous. And you let them do it.”
Bodenstein frowned in disbelief.
“Okay, let’s back up here for a moment,” he replied. “I won’t permit you to speak of our female colleagues in that tone. It’s all completely untrue—”
“The hell it is!” Behnke shouted, cutting him off, and Bodenstein realized what enormous and pathological proportions Behnke’s jealousy had assumed. “You’ve always been henpecked. Your wife made you a cuckold. And…” He paused for effect, crossing his arms and smirking with spite. “And I happen to know for a fact that you fucked Engel!”
“That’s right,” said a voice behind him. Nicola Engel gave him an icy smile, looking very self-composed. “And not only once, dear colleague. We were engaged at one point. About thirty years ago.”
Bodenstein watched Behnke wrestling desperately with his self-control as what he viewed as a triumph again dissipated like smoke before his eyes.
Nicola Engel stepped closer, and he retreated, a reflexive gesture of subordination that infuriated him even more.
“I hope you’re aware that you were given your last chance in this job, and you remain on the force solely thanks to my intervention,” she said in a low voice that was nevertheless razor-sharp. “In the future, you should not allow personal motives to guide your work, or else you’ll wind up at the Police Academy cleaning blackboards. I’ve already spoken with your superior and assured him that Bodenstein and I will not waste another word on this whole unpleasant matter. I’ve saved your ass for the third or fourth time now, Behnke. And now we’re finally quits. I hope we understand each other.”
Frank Behnke gulped with clenched teeth and nodded reluctantly. The hostility in his blue eyes was murderous. Without a word, he turned and left.
“There’s going to be more trouble with him,” Nicola Engel prophesied glumly. “He’s a ticking time bomb.”
“I shouldn’t have protected him for so long,” said Bodenstein. “That was a mistake. He should have been sent for therapy.”
Nicola Engel raised her eyebrows and shook her head.
“No. It was too bad he survived that suicide attempt.”
The coldness with which she made this statement shocked Bodenstein. And yet he again realized why she’d climbed the career ladder so fast, while he hadn’t. She knew no scruples. Doubtless, Dr. Nicola Engel had the stuff to reach the very top.
* * *
Ever since Florian had moved out, Emma had felt vulnerable and unsure. The proof of his unfaithfulness and his persistent silence in the face of her reproaches and questions had made her aware that deep inside she’d never been really sure about him. She couldn’t rely on him, and that depressed her the most, more even than the fact that he had betrayed her.
The center of Königstein was packed, and Emma had to drive all the way up to the Luxemburg Castle to find a parking place. She might not have taken the whole situation so seriously if she hadn’t been so hugely pregnant. But things might not have gone so far if she hadn’t looked like a walrus. She fought back the tears as she crossed the playground and headed for the pedestrian street through the spa park. She hoped she wouldn’t run into anyone she knew. She was in no mood to chat or indulge in superficial small talk. People expected pregnant women to be blissfully anticipating the baby and not walking around weeping.
At the bookshop, Emma picked up three books she had ordered, then went over to Café Kreiner next door and sat down at the last free table under the awning. She was bathed in sweat, and her legs felt like they were going to burst at any moment. Even so, she ordered a dish of chocolate ice cream with extra whipped cream. A few extra pounds no longer mattered.
But what was going to happen? In a little more than two weeks, the baby was due, and then she’d be living with two young children with her in-laws, without a real home, without a husband, without money. The uncertainty had been robbing her of sleep lately, hanging over her like an ominous shadow. And what was worse, Florian was going to pick up Louisa for the weekend. She’d thought he’d be glad to be rid of his family for a while, but to her surprise, he had insisted on his right to have his daughter over every other weekend. Emma was absolutely not happy about the idea, and she had agreed only reluctantly. Should she retract her consent? She didn’t even know where he would be taking Louisa. Apparently, he was living in a boardinghouse. That was hardly the proper surroundings for a five-year-old girl who also happened to be going through a difficult phase.
Emma slurped up her chocolate ice cream. The people around her were talking and laughing, carefree and happy. Was she the only one who had problems?
No one knew yet what had happened between her and Florian. For everyone else, his absence was perfectly normal, since he was often gone for weeks or months at a time in some foreign country. Emma had told her in-laws something about a lecture tour, and they’d accepted the lie without question. But today, when Florian picked up Louisa, she was going to have to tell them the truth.
“Hello, Emma.”
She gave a start and looked up. Standing in front of her was Sarah, loaded down with shopping bags.
“I didn’t mean to startle you.” Her friend set down her handbag and purchases next to the table. “Could I join you for a moment?”
“Hello, Sarah. Yes, of course.”
“It’s sure hot today. Whew.”
Sarah didn’t mind the heat; she never sweated, even when it was one hundred degrees in the shade. Florian’s adopted sister was a petite doll with big dark eyes and delicate facial features. Her glossy black hair was plaited as usual into a thick braid. She was wearing a lime green sleeveless summer dress with matching suede open-toe shoes, a perfect contrast to her velvety, golden-brown skin, which she’d inherited from her East Indian ancestors. Emma desperately envied her figure, which she was able to maintain without starving herself or taking up sports.
/>
“You look a little down.” Sarah put her hand on Emma’s arm. “Is something wrong?”
Emma heaved a sigh and shrugged.
“What’s bothering you?” Sarah asked.
Emma tried to think of a noncommittal reply. Nothing, she wanted to say. I’m fine.
“Is it something with Florian?”
It was spooky how Sarah could be downright clairvoyant. Emma bit her lip. She was a disciplined, pragmatic person, not one of those women who wailed and cried on their friends’ shoulders. Even as a child, she had been used to solving her own problems; it was always hard for her to talk about them. She would rather bury her worries under restless activity, and so far that method had worked for her.
Suddenly, she realized she was thinking way too much. That wasn’t good.
“You can talk to me about it,” Sarah said gently. “You know that. Sometimes it helps just to talk about what’s wrong.”
Talk, talk, talk! That’s exactly what Emma didn’t want to do.
“Florian is cheating on me,” she whispered at last.
And then the tears came.
“He hasn’t slept with me since last November,” she sobbed. “Before we used to have sex at least three times a week, and now … if I try to touch him, he pulls away. It’s so humiliating.”
She wiped away her tears, but new ones kept streaming down her face, as if a dam had burst inside her.
“I mean, he did contribute to me looking like this, after all. It seems to me that … that he wants to punish me. Damn it, I hate being pregnant. And I’m not looking forward to the baby at all.”
“Emma!” Sarah leaned over and took her hands. “You can’t say that. A baby, a new human being, it’s the most wonderful thing in the world. It’s the greatest privilege that we women have. Of course it’s difficult and painful, and we have to make great sacrifices, but that’s all forgotten once the baby arrives. A lot of men are unconsciously jealous. Some even feel suddenly scared of their partner and the baby growing in her belly. They might act irrationally, but that will pass. Believe me. You have to make some allowances for your husband. He’s not hurting you on purpose.”