Nicola looks so sad. Her elbows are propped against the railing and her face is buried in her hands. The pain I feel in my chest is a far worse pain than a bullet.
“Nicola?” I whisper as I slide open the door.
She doesn’t look up, but she does speak quickly, “Before you say anything, I just want to say, I’m sorry for what happened back there.”
I walk up, wrap my arms around her waist, and kiss the back of her head. When I feel her tense I know I can't let this moment pass without telling her how it made me feel. “Hey, what happened back there and what you said, is hands down the best moment of my life.”
She awkwardly breaks away from my embrace and stares into my eyes. “What?”
“Nicola, there is so much I need to tell you. Can we come back to this? I promise it will all make sense if I can start from the beginning of the day.”
“Okay. But can you at least tell me if I made you mad in some way?”
Why the hell would she think I would be mad at her? “No, you made me really happy.”
She goes to question me again, but I interrupt her. “Please, let me say what I need to say. There is shit you need to know. This might come across as bossy but for the next couple minutes when I ask you something can you just answer my question without asking any?”
She sighs and shakes her head.
“Yes, I can do that.”
“You know I met up with my uncle and a friend today. I need to know when the abuse started? And why you think it started?”
“I told you already. We were married six years before he ever hit me. I’m not sure what his reasoning was. He was having an affair. He knew that I knew. Maybe it made him angry when I demanded he stop. Maybe it was because he’d become so successful, and I was a nobody.” She put her head down shamefully. Hoping to offer her comfort, I place my hand on her back and I can feel her slightly shaking.
“This is going to sound like a super personal question, and as much as I don’t want to hear the answer I need to know it.” I willed myself to ask. “What was your sex life like? Before the abuse started and after it started.”
Nicola’s eyes go wide and I know she is debating if she should tell me, but I have to know, so I encourage her. “Please just tell me. It’s important.”
“Alright,” she says and takes a deep breath, “In the beginning, it was bland. Enjoyable to a certain degree, but there was no passion. Since he was the only man I had been with, I didn’t know anything different.”
She stops talking and I can see it in her eyes how badly she doesn’t want to relive that time, hell, I don’t want her to relive it but I need to know. “Keep going, please.”
“You better have a good reason for why you want this information.” She sighed heavily.
“It was mostly missionary style. Occasionally I would be on top. As the years passed, sex became a chore. I assumed those hot sex scenes in the movies were a figment of someone’s imagination. Probably about five years into our marriage, we had a talk about sex and him wanting to try different positions and role-play. It made me excited, and I was happy to try and spice things up in our bedroom. Sex became fun again. More fun than it had ever been.” She blushed, and I nodded, waiting... “Then one day he didn’t ask me or even warn me, but he played out a rape fantasy. It terrified me. I was already asleep, and I woke to him choking me. Well, you don’t need all the details but the next day I told him to never do that again, but he did do it, at least a hundred more times in all kinds of sick ways.”
She didn’t need to give me the details, because I watched it after kicking my friend and uncle out of the room. I knew the night she is talking about was his first video entry on a website teaching it’s paying customers how to make your wife listen. He preached that men are the kings of their castles and their women are there only to please them.
“Did you ever make videos?” I ask wondering if she ever gave him permission to film them.
She laughs a deep belly laugh. She has no idea that I’m being serious or that there is a reason for my question.
“God no! Could you imagine? No, thank God that wasn’t his cup of tea.”
Shit! Here goes. “It was his cup of tea Nicola. I saw it today.”
“What do you mean, Gavin? You’re lying! It’s not possible! Tell me right now why you’re doing this, Gavin Stone!” Nicola demands.
Nicola
This has to be a sick joke. Jason never recorded us.
“That night you just talked about, the first time he choked you, were you wearing a blue nightgown with pink roses on it?”
“Yes, Gavin. Tell me how you know this!”
“Because he recorded it,” he explains.
I’m not grasping what he is saying. “I still don’t understand. How? I promise, he never had a video recorder in his hand.”
“There were cameras all through your house Nicola. Your bathroom is painted a pale blue. In your living room is a brown leather sofa and two chairs. Your bedroom was painted white, but eventually a red accent wall was added.”
I’m having a nightmare. Maybe I’m not awake. There is no way Gavin could know those details. And there is no way that many cameras could’ve been installed and me not know about it. I never left the house unless I was with Jason or to go to the grocery store and surely that many cameras can’t be installed in an hour.
“Gavin, you’re freaking me out. Tell me how you saw these videos. He couldn’t have put that many cameras in the house. It makes no sense. It’s not possible.”
“Did you ever spend time away from him? Maybe a weekend trip?”
“No, never. Well, except for one time when my dad was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. He suggested I go home for a few days. It was the one and only time he ever wanted me to visit my parents.”
“When was that Nicola?”
“I should be asking the questions now, Gavin!”
“I just have a few more. Just wait, please, and I’ll answer anything I can.”
“Okay. I don’t know. Eight, maybe nine years ago. “What is on the tapes? The beatings?”
“Yes, the beatings and the sex.” he quietly replies.
This is a total out of body experience. I feel as though my life story is being told to me. Like I didn’t live through it.
“Help me understand. So, he just relives those moments over and over? Wait! How did you access his personal computer? And why would you watch?”
“We didn’t access his personal computer.”
“Then how did you see them?” I wonder aloud.
“On a website he created.”
“Why would he need….” a website. I finish my sentence in my head as it dawns on me. “Can other people see the videos?”
“Not anymore. Cade was able to temporarily hack his site. Depending on how good Jason is with coding, it could be down for hours or maybe forever.”
“But before Cade shut it down, could strangers see it?”
“People paid to see it Nicola.”
“Who on earth would pay to see it? Surely only a couple freaks.”
“Over eighty-three thousand people paid for livestream videos. And another sixty-six thousand paid for the pre-recorded content.”
“Fuck! That’s a lot of freaks.”
I don’t even know what to say. I’m waiting to cry but no emotions are flooding in. Numb is all I can feel.
Gavin
Nicola’s reaction isn’t what I expected. She just stopped talking and shut down.
“Talk to me Nicola.” I encourage.
“I’m just trying to do the math. How many people watched what happened and no one reported anything. I guess I can’t complain. I didn’t say anything either.”
“I don’t know why no one spoke up,” is all I can come up with. I wish I was good with words because this moment could use some comforting words.
“So, your friend and uncle saw these videos?” she asks.
Crap! I had hoped she wouldn’t ask this. “O
riginally, I kicked them out of the room. I didn’t want to expose you to any more people. I didn’t let them watch any of the sex, but did play for them a couple of beatings. I wanted legal advice.”
“Where are the videos now?”
“Cade created a file so if we go to court, we have proof. The number of videos out on the web are probably uncountable. It’ll be impossible to trace and find them all.”
“What?” Nicola shouts as I think anger is finally taking over.
“People download and share files billions of times a day. I can’t give you an accurate count.”
“Why would people do that Gavin? I’m a mother for God’s sake! You’re telling me one day my daughter can find these videos?”
“Anyone can find them.” I inform her.
“I’m not worried about anyone else. I’m worried about my daughter finding them. It’s too late to worry about you finding them. Why did you watch them Gavin?” she asks as calmly as possible.
“I didn’t. What I saw is what I could catch during its fast-forwarding phase. I only stopped the couple times I saw him point a gun at you. I promise.”
“Can I watch them? Like right now?”
“They are on a file on Cade’s office computer.”
“Call him right now! Right now Gavin!”
“It’s midnight Nicola; and Allison is sleeping.”
Nicolas face turns furious as she marches towards me.
“Call your friend now! Give me the keys to your car and I’ll be back before she wakes up.”
“Nicola, please. Just think about what you’re asking. You don’t want to do this.” I try to reason with her.
“Don’t tell me what I fucking want Gavin. Call your fucking friend now.”
As much as I want to say no, I can’t. It’s her life that was practically destroyed.
“I’ll call him and have him pick you up. You shouldn’t be alone.”
“Fine!” She says as she storms off to the bedroom. I assume she’s getting ready to go. I get Cade on the phone.
Chapter 29
Nicola
Cade picked me up a few minutes ago and now I’m in the middle of an uncomfortably silent car ride. I almost feel foolish for having him come out so late, but I have to see for myself.
“We’re here.” says Cade.
I’m about to thank him, but he is already out of his car door and is opening mine.
“Thanks, you didn’t have to do that.” I say because I’ve always done it myself and I’m not used to this type of kindness, especially not from men.
Cade lets out a small laugh, “If you knew my parents, you’d know I did have to. I may be thirty-seven, but my mom likes to say I’m still not too old to be smacked when I deserve it.”
The way Cade speaks about his parents makes me remember the way Harper talked about her dad. It’s making me wonder what kind of crazy family I might be getting into. These people are grown adults still living in fear of their parents. It’s so weird for me.
“Well, thank you for coming out so late. I’m sorry I’m costing you so much sleep. I promise not to keep you long.”
“Not sure if you noticed, but we don’t really sleep. And take your time. Seriously, I can come in whatever time I want tomorrow.”
The small talk is helping, so I keep up the conversation. “Gavin mentioned you were a lawyer. Don’t you have clients to see?”
“Evan is the trial lawyer. I’m more behind the scenes. Research, prepping the cases and preparing our clients for a trial or deposition.”
“Oh. Well then. Thanks for doing this for me.”
“You’re welcome and my office is here.” Cade says as he holds the door open for me.
He walks over to the computer and turns it on. It’s the first time I’ve really studied him. He doesn’t look like a lawyer. His hair is almost a buzz cut, he is physically fit I can tell, but not the way Gavin and the rest of his family is. Their muscles are obvious but Cade looks like he spends more time doing cardio workouts than lifting weights. The way he glares at the computer intently gives me goosebumps. I know I pegged Gavin as a criminal early on. But Cade seems to be an actual criminal trying to walk the straight and narrow. I’m not afraid of Cade per se but for some reason I feel like I need to watch my back.
“Alright, it’s up. Your file is the last one. I’ll be right outside this door when you’re done.” He explains and without another word, he walks out the door and shuts it behind him.
Suddenly I’m questioning my decision to do this. What would the benefit be? Why am I reliving that time in my life? Even though I now feel like walking away, I walk towards the computer.
The first thing I notice is the file name. Not creative but it makes me smile in the midst of this humiliating and awful time. Slowly I click the file labeled Gavs girl.
Where the hell do I begin? For some reason I only expected to see a few videos but I was completely wrong. If these numbers are right, four hundred and seventy videos. I wonder if that’s the actual number of times he hit me during our marriage?
Since I’m not sure where to start, I decide to randomly pick a video. There is no way I want to see all of them. I click on video number twenty-six. That’s me standing at the bathroom sink. I’m putting on makeup, but it must be before I go to bed. I did that early on after the abuse started because I couldn’t bear hearing, “You’re so fucking ugly. God, why did I marry you? You’ve really let yourself go.” And there’s Jason coming in behind me. All of a sudden, the memories flood back. This is the day he shoved my face into the mirror causing the mirror to break. Thankfully, my face was fine other than the temporary redness and a small bruise Oh. Yep! I was right. This was the day. I watch myself being forced into the mirror. For some reason I focus on the look on Jason’s face, and I see nothing but enjoyment. It’s weird because I always felt he was angry in these moments, but he isn’t angry. He’s happy.
Again, I randomly pick another video, number one hundred and forty-four. There I am again. I can see Allison in her baby swing behind me. I die inside because my sweet innocent daughter is sleeping so peacefully. If my memory serves me correctly, she’s about to be violently woken up when Jason kicks my chair so hard I flip over, hitting the bar of her swing. I’m not even going to finish this video. But I do look one last time at my baby girl. God, if I could only go back to that day. I would’ve found the strength to leave then.
The anger gives way to sadness. The kind of sadness that takes root in your soul and your heart. The kind that never leaves you.
Next, I pick video three hundred. Crap! I’m in bed asleep. I’m not sure what happens this night. Jason seems to be asleep next to me. While I wait to see what happens next, I take notice of the distance between him and I. I would always sleep at the edge because if I accidentally touched him he would wake up. My body starts to move. It looks like I might be having a nightmare. No! Nicola. Please don’t move anymore, I plead to the video. But it doesn’t work, and I roll completely over, my leg kicking his. Jason sits up quickly like a rocket being launched. He immediately turns on the light making the camera go from night vision to light. I’m not as quick to sit up and he takes notice. Jason forcefully grabs a handful of hair and forces me upright. “Get on all fours!” Jason demands. When I hear that demand, I remember this night. We had sex just a few hours earlier. He’s probably unable to perform again but he grabbed a small wooden bat. The souvenir kind that you get at a baseball game. It was the first time he had used anything but his dick or fist. I stop paying attention to what he is doing to me because I become fixed on the look on my face. All I can see is a broken girl. The lowest of low. Rejected, humiliated, and guilty. Guilty because at this point, it is no longer his fault. It’s mine!
I’m a stupid, stupid girl! Unlovable! Why? What did I do? What did I do? In this moment, I transform to a murderous woman. As I scream out “What did I do?” I pick up Cade’s monitor and chuck it across the room but even that doesn’t help my rage so I start kic
king the chair and throwing law books from his shelf. What did I do?
When there are no books left on the shelf, I crumble to the floor and ball up like a baby. “What did I do? What did I do?”
Suddenly I feel Cade lay down beside me and place his hand on my shoulder. “You didn’t do anything Nicola, this isn’t on you.”
Disheartened, I ask, “Then why did he do it, Cade?”
“I stopped trying to figure out the human mind long ago. Some people just have no moral compass.”
Cade is completely right, but his words don’t help in this moment.
“Can you take me home?”
“Sure” he says and extends a hand to help me up.
When I see the mess I’ve made I feel horrible. “Wait, let me clean this up.”
“Nah I got it.” He half laughs.
“No, please let me fix what I can.” I start digging in my purse to see how much money I have left. My little fit just cost me thousands of dollars. “Here take this.” It’s only a hundred dollars but it’s a start.
“You’re not cleaning and I’m definitely not taking your money.” His voice sounds offended.
“Please! Please take the money. I know it’s not enough but it’s a first payment.” I don’t really regret the destruction. I know it’s what I had to do in the moment. Still, I expect to make up for it.
Gavin (Made From Stone Book 2) Page 15