by Tia Siren
The truth was beginning to dawn on me, but I did not want to face it. “What are you talking about?”
“I was riding with them when he crashed the car,” he explained the obvious, and my heart ached at the pain in his voice. “At first we were just three happy, innocent, stupid shit kids, driving along at ninety miles per hour. And then…boom!
“None of us saw the car abandoned on the side of the road until Bill hit it. Then, the airbags deployed and we were all knocked out. I was the first to come to, and I checked both Bill and Liz to see if they were breathing. They were, but they were also reeking of alcohol. As drunk as I was, I knew he was fucked. Liz was the second to come around, but she was really groggy. I tried to reach back and help her, but then I heard the sirens.”
His head fell to his hands. It was as if every word he spoke was drawn out of him like vials of blood.
“I didn’t know what to do,” he said with embarrassment laced with his words. “I tried to free Liz and wake your brother up, but I couldn’t. The police were getting closer, and I panicked. So, just before the cops arrived, I left the two of them there and ran.”
A single tear fell from my eyes. I waited in silence for Jesse to continue and when he finally did, his voice faltered.
“I ran,” he cried. “I opened the door and ran. I hid in the woods and watched as the cops and an ambulance arrived. They took Elizabeth out and then arrested your brother. I thought about jumping out, telling them I was there too, but I couldn’t see what good it would have done so I didn’t. I just waited there, like a coward, as your brother’s life was ruined because of my stupid fries.” He looked away from me and curled his shoulders as if trying to make himself look as small as he felt. “Now, have the career, the money, the success… Everything he deserved, I got as a reward for my cowardice. And let me tell you, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t regret that moment.”
His speech was finished, but still, I did not reply or tried to comfort him. I did not know what to think, and at that moment, I saw my brother, sitting alone at the house, drowning himself in liquor and video games because Jesse left him in his time of need.
Like a ghost, my brother’s voice warning me that Jesse couldn’t be trusted returned to haunt me. My stomach knotted with fear that he would do that to our child and me. As much as I tried not to, in my mind’s eye, I saw him leaving me alone and pregnant, and I have to admit it was one of the lowest points of my life.
I closed my eyes to escape that cruel reality as a tear fell from my face. Just as I was about to give into despair, Jesse took my hand in his and brought it to his lips. His usually strong and sturdy hands trembled in a way that made me open my eyes and look at him.
He smiled at me, and when he finally spoke, I did not hear weakness in his voice, only determination. “I ran away once,” he said, squeezing my hand hard. “I’m not going to do it again. I’m going to own up to my responsibilities and take care of you—of both of you. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you safe. I…I love you.”
With happy and relieved tears in my eyes, I wrapped my arms around Jesse and held him close. I could tell how much it pained him to admit all this to me. He was a man who had created an image of someone powerful, unstoppable, unafraid, and I felt honored that he was sharing his shame and torment with me.
My whole life had been spent forgiving people. I forgave my brother for his tantrums and his helplessness. I forgave my parents for being so careless and leaving Bill and me alone in the world. And now I found myself in a position to forgive Jesse, the man I loved, and though it was hard, I decided I could do it.
Does that make me a good person or a weak one? I thought, and this time, I decided it made me a good one.
I curled my arms around him in a tight embrace, and together we sank down onto the bed. Lying side by side, we held each other close, comforting the other’s fears—of the future, of the past—deep into the night.
Chapter 8
For several glorious seconds, after I woke up the next morning, I didn’t remember the problems of the night before. All I knew was that I was in bed with Jesse, naked and curled up beside him, feeling physically and emotionally content.
Then, reality crashed down upon me, and for the first time in about five years, I called my boss and asked for the day off—which I was promptly given. I knew there was no ignoring the problems my pregnancy presented. I couldn’t will them away by throwing myself into my work, and therefore, Jesse and I had to figure out what to do.
Eager to keep moving and give myself the impression of progress, I woke Jesse up and told him I wanted to go out to a diner for breakfast. Hey, if there’s ever a time a girl can eat a giant platter of bacon and eggs without feeling guilty, I figured it was while pregnant.
Neither of us talked much as we went about our morning rituals. We showered, kissed, and got dressed, but we were both too absorbed in our own thoughts for much discourse. It wasn’t until the waitress had served us coffee that Jesse finally opened the conversation.
“There’s something really bothering me in all this,” he said.
“You mean other than the obvious things?” I commented sarcastically.
He rolled his eyes and gave me a dry chuckle. “I’ve been thinking about Bill. He was so angry when he found out we were dating. Imagine how upset he’ll be when he finds out about the baby.”
“I’m trying not to.” I sighed and dumped about eight packets of sugar into my coffee. “Who knows what he’ll do?”
“We have to find some way to make it better,” Jesse said as his hand fell to the table. “I’ve ruined his life enough. I’ve given him a hundred reasons already to resent me—the crash, the fact that I got to play in college while he was doing time and the NFL. I don’t want to give him another one. I already miss my best friend enough as it is.”
“Ditto,” I murmured, completely understanding him. Since childhood, Bill and I had been attached at the hip, so that crash didn’t rob only Jesse of his best friend. It took mine as well.
The waitress returned with our meals and the aroma of bacon and scrambled eggs made my mouth water. However, I found that with the weight of the conversation upon us, it did not bring me much joy. Still, I ate heartily, hoping to keep up my strength.
“You know,” Jesse continued, “I’ve never stopped thinking about him. All my games, all my successes, I’ve always wished he was there with me.” He took a deep breath as he nibbled on a strip of bacon. “This whole thing that’s been going on in the media about my teammates and me made me understand Bill a little better. Having people think the worst of you when the whole truth isn’t out sucks sweaty ass.”
“But you weren’t involved, were you?” I asked, suddenly suspicious.
He glared at me, and for the first time since I told him the news about the baby, he seemed angry.
“Of course not!” he declared. “I’ve told you. My teammates were, but I wasn’t doing anything.”
“Are you going to tell the cops?” I asked, knowing they were waiting on testimonies from different teammates.
“Yes,” he said sadly. “I know they’re my team, but people got hurt. As I’ve said, I’m tired of running away and only dealing with the easy things. It’s time I man up.”
I gazed at him fondly and realized I was proud. Not many athletes would deal with the consequences of going against their team, even if what they were doing was right. Warmth spread across my body as I realized how much of a good guy Jesse really was. I took a big bite of scrambled eggs and hash browns and felt better.
“I tried to confess, you know?” Jesse said, still only poking at his pancakes. “After the crash, when Bill was in prison, I went to his lawyer and asked how confessing might help your brother. He said there was no point in confessing since it wouldn’t lessen Bill’s sentence in any way. Still, I wanted to do it, but when Bill heard of it, he told me to stop being stupid and not waste my future, so I listened to him.” Jesse huffed and looked out the wi
ndow. “Even with everything going on, he was braver and more selfless than I was.”
I took his hand from across the table and squeezed it. I was not angry at him for any of these revelations. Obviously, with all the self-punishment he’d been administering himself, he had paid for what he’d done twice over. Besides, I wanted the happy, cocky, joyful Jesse I fell in love with as the father of my child and not a man riddled with guilt.
“Jesse,” I said, “If you stand by me, if you do what’s right and don’t be afraid now, I think Bill will forgive you. Maybe, he’ll see it as a sort of atonement.”
“You really think so?” Jesse asked, his eyes wide and hopeful.
I swallowed. The truth was, I didn’t think so. But I hoped so, and that was good enough.
“Yes,” I lied. “I’m sure, once Bill sees how much you care about the baby and me, he’ll forgive you.”
He leaned across the table and kissed me deeply on the lips.
“I believe that as long as I’m with you, everything will be all right,” I whispered.
That, at least, was the truth.
Suddenly, Jesse looked at his watch. “I need to get going,” he said. “I don’t have that much time before I’m supposed to leave, and there are some things I need to take care of. I’ll see you later, Mary. All right?”
With that, he threw some money on the table, gave me a swift kiss on the cheek, and hustled out of the door. I gazed at him as he left, confused and, to be honest, slightly hurt. Where could he be going that was more important than this conversation?
Trust him, I told myself. If you love him, that means you can trust him.
I took a deep breath, gathered up the change he had tossed on the table, and rose to pay at the till. Having been released from work, I had the whole day ahead of me and no Jesse to spend it with. It was a disappointing reality, but I figured it was also a good thing. To prepare my brother to hear my good news, I had to get him in a good—or at least decent—mood. The first step for that, of course, was making sure that his tummy was happy.
On the way home, I picked up a large bacon pizza and a twelve pack of beer. Without thinking, I walked over to the hard liquor section and browsed the scotch and the rum selection only to remember that I can’t drink. It was a sacrifice that, before I was pregnant, I had thought would be a big deal. Now it seemed silly that I’d ever worried about something as trivial as whether or not I could have a drink. Maybe what they said was true, being a mother—or a future mother anyway—did mature you.
Usually, spending this sort of pointless money and taking off work would put me on edge, but today it was what I needed. Feeling both anxious and hopeful, I made my way home.
“Hey, Bill!” I called as I entered, careful to waft the smell of the pizza ahead of me. “Fancy something to eat and drink?”
“What are you doing here?” he asked, poking his head out from the living room.
The fact that he’d gotten off the couch was a good sign. It could’ve been the pizza, but I preferred to be a little more optimistic.
“Oh, Dave gave me the day off. Apparently, it’s supposed to be super slow Saturday. So, I thought I’d spend the day with you.” I deliberately made my voice peaceable and warm, but perhaps, I overdid it a little. He narrowed his eyes at my bubbly tone and looked at me suspiciously.
“Can we afford that?” he asked, his eyebrow raised.
Part of me boiled with sudden anger. You mean if I can afford it, I shouted internally, seeing as I was the only one making any money in this house. However, I did not let my anger show. My mission today was to make Bill happy, to put him in a good enough mood to accept the news about Jesse’s and my baby. So instead of shouting, I offered him a beer.
“Thank you,” he said, shifting over and patting the seat beside him in an apparent invitation to sit down.
I smiled at him and took the seat. I thought about everything Jesse had told me about the accident and of how my brother had taken one for the team, and it made me realize that maybe Bill wasn’t that bad after all. Maybe, underneath his greasy hair, beer-belly, and unshaven face he was actually brave. I thought about what it must’ve been like for him to lose his freedom, his best friend, and his entire future in one swoop.
That thought made me realize why Bill hated the idea of Jesse and me together so much. Jesse had taken everything from him, and now, was taking me as well. More than ever, I needed to show my brother we were still a family. I had to find a way to make him know that the baby would need him just as much as I did—just as much as Jesse did.
Decided to ditch the plates, I fetched some napkins and opened the pizza box on the couch beside us. Bill smiled at the sight of his favorite flavor and reached for a slice. I followed suit, and for a moment, we ate in silence.
Then, realizing we hadn’t had a real conversation in weeks, I asked, “How is everything?”
“Okay,” he said with a shrug. “I got that position down at the gym. It’s just cleaning after the place closes, but I’m hoping, once they see how good I am, they might let me assist in some of the weightlifting classes or something.”
I nodded and smiled to show I was impressed. I was careful, however, not to say anything as he seemed to get offended when I made it look like any accomplishment of his was out of the ordinary.
“How about with you?” he queried, surprising me with his interest in my life. Maybe it was all about opportunity and giving him a chance.
That was, after all, what he claimed he was always lacking. A chance.
“Oh, it’s okay.” I sighed and took a big bite of the pizza. “My classes are getting pretty hard. I’ve always known nursing school would be tough, but I hadn’t realized it would be this complicated. I imagined it would be more about client interaction than knowing facts, you know?”
Bill nodded. “Well, you definitely have the client interaction down. With all that practice taking care of me, I’d say you’re an expert.”
I looked over, suddenly nervous that his words were an attack or an insinuation of something nasty. However, when I met his gaze, I saw that he was smiling.
He was joking!
It was hard to remember the last time he had made a joke, and I was amazed. I wondered what could have possibly had put him in this surprisingly cheerful mood. Perhaps it was this new job or the fact that Jesse was supposed to leave in a matter of days. The thought of it being because of Jesse saddened me, but I guess that’s life, right? Nothing is ever simple.
“Want to watch a movie?” I asked after a minute. I was hesitant to keep talking since that rarely ever ended well.
“Sure,” he replied. “An old favorite?”
“You bet,” I murmured back.
Bill went to the cabinet underneath the television and shuffled around until he found our battered copy of John Carpenter’s The Thing. It was the first R-rated movies we had ever seen together and one of our favorites from when we were kids. This was “R” in the eighties, mind you, when PG movies could get away with anything, and it had scared the living daylights out of us when we were young. It had also given us a sense of camaraderie for adventuring together, and that was something both of us desperately needed right now.
With the TV set up, Bill sat beside me, and it was nice. Strange as this may sound, this horrific movie actually had a calming effect on me. I suppose that after watching such indescribable grotesqueries bursting from the creatures on screen, my fears of having a normal old baby seemed silly. Perhaps we should watch Alien next. That little monster bursting from the guy’s chest would probably make giving birth seem like a walk in the park.
We laughed. We screamed. We ate. We drank—or at least, Bill did, and somehow, even if only for a moment, we found ourselves again. Before I knew it, it was midnight, and I was able to teeter up to bed.
As I gave myself to sleep, I prayed that sense of solidarity we had found today would persist through the news of my pregnancy.
Chapter 9
I woke up the n
ext morning, only feeling slightly ill, and was perturbed to find a voice mail waiting on my phone. I assumed it was from Jesse and immediately set it to play.
To my surprise, it was from Mr. Davis, my boss at the restaurant. He was informing me that I did not need to come in today either. His tone was strange, secretive yet somehow excited, and it worried me somehow. I hoped he wasn’t going to fire me because of my behavior over the past few days.
Confused but not necessarily upset, I tiptoed down the stairs and was glad to see that Bill was still fast asleep in the living room. Quietly as I could, I went about making myself breakfast while my mind raced with thoughts about the conundrum in front of me. There were so many questions in my mind, not only about my brother’s reaction but also about every other aspect of being pregnant. It was all too much and too overwhelming.
Minutes later, I found myself seated at the table, ready to enjoy a delicious meal. As a companion, I pulled out my phone and began to browse articles on pregnancy and motherhood. I felt slightly ridiculous reading those, but to feel ridiculous was better than to feel ashamed—which was how I felt when I started reading the articles on abortion.
In all honesty, I did not want to give up the baby. I’d always wanted to be a mother. I loved taking care of people, which was why I chose nursing as my profession. It was also, what made me a good waitress and what enabled me to put up with my brother for so long. Though I was far from perfect, I at least thought I was sensible and patient enough to deal with a baby. I thought I could add something beautiful to this broken world.
The biggest issue, however, was the money. It was always the money in this household. Bill and I could barely afford ourselves, let alone another mouth to feed. His new job would help, but he had lost so many in the past five years that I couldn’t rely on him for stability. I realized with a pang that I would also have to give up my classes. There was no way I could study to be a nurse, work and raise a baby.