I love this man so much. He can be awkward at times, but when I’m feeling any doubt, he knows exactly what to say. Sometimes it’s just a look. Other times it’s his actions, but when he finds the words, they hit home.
The love he shows us is completely mind blowing at times. It’s like every moment we share is the best he’s ever had. He’s attentive but not smothering. I fall deeper and deeper in love with him.
I’m going through house plans that he got for me. He picked out his favorite but wants me to choose the final design. I found my little cottage. From the front, it’s looks quaint and simple. From the side it seems to go on forever. There are actually five nice size bedrooms and three full baths. There’s an open floor plan with the bedrooms placed around the main living area. It gives you almost a feeling of a college quad. I’m completely in love with it.
Kaden loves the idea that it has five bedrooms. We were both only children, so the idea of a big family is what we want. They break ground in two weeks.
K.C. is going to be a year-old right before Kaden heads out on tour. I’m trying to organize a party that Kaden can be a part of. I can’t let him leave without celebrating this first mile stone of his son.
I’m getting scared of him leaving. I know that he flies into some pretty hostile regions. He finally told me about the one where he lost a few of his brothers. It’s amazing that Emma and Bryce found each other. This whole fate thing that Rigs always talks about is so true. I’m seeing it in my own life as well as others around me. It’s pretty amazing really. I’m still really scared. I don’t know what I would do if I lost him.
The scariest thing was when he told me he changed his will to include me and K.C. I didn’t want to hear it. I don’t want to think of life without him. With him putting us in his will, it made it just too real. I had to excuse myself to cry in the bathroom. When I came out, he was leaning against the wall. I immediately fell into his arms crying again.
“Sweetheart, I’m sorry. I don’t want to scare you. However, anything can happen. I saw it first-hand. I want you both to be taken care of. I know it’s morbid and not something you want to think about, but it’s something that we need to be prepared for just in case. It’s done and I won’t bring it up again,” Kaden says, rubbing my back.
“I know. I understand. It just made me think the worse. I don’t want to lose you, Kaden. I love you so much,” I sniff out, rubbing my face in his chest.
“I’ll be okay. I can’t promise you anything, but I will do everything in my power to come home to you and K.C.,” he says, kissing the top of my head.
“I know. I don’t want to think about it anymore. Just come home,” I say.
“I love you,” he says, holding me closer.
“I love you more,” I say, sighing into his chest.
Chapter Seventeen
Kaden
Iwake up in a cold sweat. I can still see the images of that night in my mind. I haven’t had the dream for a while now. Not since I’ve been with Alyse. I know it’s because I’m heading out in a few days.
I’m trying to stay positive, but I have this feeling in my gut that something bad is going to happen. I’m just glad that I changed my will so that at least I know they will be taken care of. They will get my life insurance and my retirement. Everything will be taken care of if something should happen. I even paid off the house build. I had the money. She will have a home totally paid off. The woman I love and the son that is my life will never have to worry about anything.
I got to see the initial dig and the foundation laid. We will have a full basement that I plan on making my man cave. I don’t want any negativity to consume me. I need to leave on a good note. We seem to be walking on eggshells around each other. We both don’t want to talk about me leaving.
Alyse has set up a birthday party for K.C. today. He turns one this week. My parents came in last night and got a hotel room. I try to focus on that and push down this creeping bad feeling.
There’s this quaint little pavilion in the back property of the diner. Alyse has it decorated with balloons and colored paper streamers. There’s just a small gathering with a shit ton of presents. I think my mother brought a whole car full. She says she has nine months of making up to do. I have a feeling this is going to be the norm not the exception.
I watch as K.C. does the traditional messy cake eating. As he digs into the icing and holds out his hand to me, I lick off some of the icing on his finger, which is met with a round of incredible giggles. I see Alyse recording it and am thankful that I’ll have these memories to replay while I’m away.
K.C. is covered with cake and icing when it’s all said and done. Overall, it was a nice little party. I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was going to be the last event that I was going to share with them.
I paid special attention to everything that night. Bath time was embedded in my memory. His laughter as he splashed in the water. The way he rubbed my scratchy beard as I read to him. The way his lips puffed as he breathed out in his sleep when I laid him in the crib. The way Alyse’s hand felt on my back as we looked down at our son sleeping.
I put everything I had into when we made love. I felt her grip me as she came. I poured my soul into her when I did. I purposely didn’t wear a condom, hoping that I leave another piece of me behind. Feeling guilty that I may not be here if she should become pregnant again. I’m selfish. I want to leave behind a legacy. But at what cost?
I find myself sitting out on the apartment steps before the sun rises. There’s a chill to the air. I’m sitting here in only my boxers and I’m still sweating. I feel her before I see her. She sits down beside me and leans her head against my shoulder.
“You okay?” she asks.
“I don’t know. I know we said we wouldn’t talk about it, but I don’t feel good about this tour. I have to be honest with you. I don’t want to leave you. I’m sorry,” I say, leaning into her.
“Don’t think that way. Please. I love you so much. You can’t go into this with negative thoughts. Keep thinking about coming home. The house should be done by then. I just want you home,” Alyse says as she crawls into my lap.
“I’m sorry. Let’s go back to bed,” I say, lifting her in my arms and heading back into the apartment.
I make love to her again. Again, without a condom. She doesn’t protest, just like last night. She doesn’t say a word.
♦♦♦
It’s almost time for me to leave. We were given another week off prior to deployment, and I spent every single moment with Alyse and K.C.
I’ve had nightmares almost every night. This is the worse one I’ve ever had. I stay in bed after I jolted awake and turn on my side to watch Alyse sleep.
She’s so beautiful. A flash of images return to my head. This dream was so real and not of anything like the normal one I have. This one was a totally different situation. I saw Alyse crying and holding a folded flag.
Chapter Eighteen
Alyse
I’m scared. He’s been having nightmares all week. I see the change in his demeanour even through his fake smiles. He has that look that I saw in the pictures where he’s smiling, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
Every time we’ve make love has been without a condom. I haven’t said anything. I feel like he needs to feel the closest he possibly can to me. I really don’t care if I get pregnant again. Regardless of the possible risk of losing him, I feel like I’ll still have another piece of him left behind. It’s a bit selfish.
He won’t talk about it. That’s the hardest part. I know I don’t want to really talk about it either, but I know that communication is very important. Holding back feelings or concerns only leads to a possible blow up in the end. I’m afraid that he will eventually break. I can’t let him break when he’s away and could possibly put himself or his team in danger.
I don’t know how to go about talking about it, though. I call Emma to ask for her advice and ended up talking with Bryce. He said he would be ov
er. He’s knows Kaden even better than I do. He spent time with him and helped break him out of his shell. I decide to disguise it as a little going away party.
I grab food from the diner and have a pretty good spread going on. As soon as they show up, Emma’s daughter, Jessica, grabs K.C. and starts entertaining him. She’s such a sweet girl, and K.C. has grown to adore her. He calls her Jess, which she really doesn’t like, but is okay with it from him.
Immediately Bryce grabs Kaden. They venture off, and I see Kaden’s head sink into his chest. I look at Emma who gives me a warm smile.
“We talked about it before we came. He understands. He was so closed off for a long time. We went to therapy together, which really helped. Talking about it really helped. Be honest with him and tell him how you feel,” Emma says.
“I don’t know how I feel. I know I’m scared. I’m afraid that he is going in with so much negativity that he’ll sabotage himself. He won’t tell me about his dreams. Only that the last one shook him to his core. He claims that he dreamt about K.C.’s eyes and didn’t understand it until he saw him. He said it was K.C.’s eyes that he saw. I believe that people have a sixth sense, and as intelligent as Kaden is, I don’t doubt he may have it and that scares the ever-living shit out of me,” I say, wrapping my arms around my middle.
“Damn. I don’t know how to respond to that one. All I can say is I believe in fate. It brought Bryce and me together. I feel it brought you and Kaden together. I also believe that God cannot be that cruel to allow fate to lead you down a road of loss.” She shakes her head and seems to be holding back something.
“What…just say it,” I plead.
“I don’t know if I can, Alyse. It’s going to sound bad and I don’t want to add to your worry,” she says, still shaking her head.
“Just say it, Emma,” I say, really wanting to know if she’s thinking the same thing as I am.
Taking a deep breath, she starts, “Okay, if something does happen, as Kaden seems to predict, maybe K.C. is the reason. Maybe he is the reason this all happened. He’s a very special boy, Alyse. He’s meant for greatness. I can see it even in his young, baby eyes. He’s an old soul. I don’t want this to make you depressed and thinking something inevitable will happen. Yet, if it does…maybe it’s all for K.C.” She immediately grabs me and pulls me into her arms.
“It’s okay. That’s what I needed to hear. I thought of that so many times. Christ, I cannot even think about Kaden not being here. I love him so much. But he gave me one of the greatest gifts I could have ever received. That boy is incredibly special. I truly think he’s going to move mountains. I need Kaden, though, to guide me. I don’t think I can be the one to bring K.C. to his fullest potential. In three short months, Kaden has been able to pull so much more out of him, more than I think I could have even imagined to do.” I feel the tightness grow in my chest as I force out the words.
“Stay strong. Keep supporting Kaden and being there with him the next few days. Tell him how you feel. Maybe just letting him know that you will be okay if something happens will put his mind to rest. I’m not an expert here. But, maybe making him feel like you will survive, adding how hard it will still be, will set his mind at ease,” she says, rubbing my back.
“I will. I think you are right. Can we just eat? I’m starving!” I say, trying to shake off my feelings and laugh.
“Girl, I’m eating for two, so you know I can eat!” Emma says, rubbing her little baby bump.
The boys come over, and I can see an immediate change in Kaden. He engulfs me into a hug and kisses me on the neck. Jessica comes over with K.C., who immediately reaches for his daddy.
The rest of the evening goes wonderful. We laugh as Bryce tell stories of Kaden during their deployments together. They talk about the other guys and even include Jon, Emma’s lost husband. I see her smile through it all and see it’s not fake. She’s happy now. She survived through tragedy. For a few shorts hours, I take it all in. A memory that I will forever treasure. Emma is an inspiration. I know that even though it will crush me, I will live, and I will survive.
♦♦♦
“Hey, thank you,” Kaden says after we get K.C. down in his crib.
“For what?” I ask, wanting to know what he is thinking.
“I needed that. I needed Bryce to kick me in the ass. I’m sorry that I’ve been out of it, and I’m sorry if I’ve been scaring you,” he says, pulling me in for a hug.
“It’s okay, Kaden. I cannot even imagine what you are going through. You’ve been through so much already, and you are about to leave again. I know it’s hard on you. I know that you worry about leaving us. I talked to Emma tonight, and I realized something. I will be okay. It will never be the same, but I will be okay. You will never be replaced. I feel in my heart that you are my soulmate. I don’t want to even thing about you not being here to help me raise this amazing child. I’ll do it, though. I will make you proud. But I will tell you now. Don’t think you can just make a decision that, based on your dreams, you are not going to be here. I need to know that you will do everything in your power to come home to us. If I know this, I will be okay. I love you, Kaden. But I will be okay,” I say, grabbing onto to him harder.
“Alyse, I love you with everything I have. K.C. is such an incredible little boy. I’ll promise I will do everything in my power to come home to you both,” Kaden says, kissing me.
This kiss is promise. I feel it right to my toes. We make love like we never have before.
Chapter Nineteen
Kaden
One more month. One more month. A mantra I keep repeating over and over again in my head. Thirty days. Seven hundred and twenty hours. Forty-four thousand, six hundred and forty minutes. Two million, six hundred-seventy-eight thousand and four hundred seconds. But who’s counting.
Every mission I pray. I remember how close Jon was to being done before he lost his life. I try not to think about it. I try to shut out the dreams that keep invading my sleep. I have my books and I’m writing in my journal like Bryce suggested. It’s not helping.
I have sand in every crevice. Nothing seems to get rid of it. And the smells. I can’t even begin to describe the smells. So yeah, I pretty much hate this and really can’t wait to go home.
Alyse didn’t get pregnant this time, though not from the lack of trying. I guess it’s just not meant to be just yet.
The house is coming along. The structure is completed and the inside is nearly done. Alyse did a walkthrough the last time I spoke with her on a video call. She was grinning from ear to ear. She wanted to try to save money by just moving her furniture, but I insisted she at least get a new couch. Hers is too small. I picked out a huge sectional and emailed it to her. She loved it and didn’t try to fight me on it. I later found out that she paid for it. I let it go, though. I know she feels like she needs to contribute. I’m okay with that. I told her not to get used to it, though.
We are heading out tonight for a night mission. It’s a direct in and out. Those make me the most nervous. There’s a reason we don’t stay.
The flight is a little bumpy. There’s some kind of storm coming through. Our CO walks through and debriefs us quickly that there are also sand storms on the ground. We may have to circle for a while until it’s safe enough to land. This will put us off schedule so it’s imperative we act fast but efficient.
As soon as we land, I grab the clip board and start my rounds.
There’s a buzz in the air. I try to shake it off. The hairs on my arms are standing up like there is static.
Out of nowhere, the wind gusts and sand starts whipping me in my face. The plane suddenly shuts down. This isn’t good. I can’t hear or see anything. I feel along the side of the plane trying to find the opening of the cargo-bay door. I can’t breathe fully, so I trying to take short, quick breaths. With my face buried into the crook of my arm, I have my eyes and nose covered as much as I can. I still feel like I’m going to hyperventilate. Even my six foot four, two hundred and for
ty pounds is no good against the force of the wind and sand. I can feel my boots starting to slip. I finally feel the edge of the bay opening and curl my free hand around the steel. My glove isn’t getting a solid grip. Something slams into my side and my fingers come loose, causing me to slam down onto the tarmac. Images start to flash in my head of the last time this happened. The last thing I envision is Alyse in tears when everything goes black.
Chapter Twenty
Alyse
I’m sobbing and sputtering into the phone. “Bryce, I’m worried. I was supposed to hear from him by now. It’s been two days. I know he was going on a night mission, and I’m freaking out.”
“I’m going to send Emma over. I’ll make some calls and see if I can find out anything. Stay positive. It can be anything. Don’t think the worse, okay?” Bryce says calmly into the phone.
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