Wait. The charges were all in the last couple weeks. To…White House Black Market? Nordstrom’s? American Eagle? Restaurants, hotel rooms, they were all adding up. All since Dad died.
“Bus time!” Gus called. I kissed his cheeks, and April sauntered in, with—yep—a new Kate Spade messenger bag across her shoulders.
“I’ll take him to the bus,” she offered.
“I found the bill.” I kept my voice low when I heard Grams coming down the stairs.
“Oh?” Her eyebrows raised above her widened doe eyes.
“April, you’ve spent over five thousand dollars. Mom is going to be pissed.”
“Mom’s not going to notice.” She had the nerve to walk away from me.
“It’s not right, April!” Damn. When had I become all moral, chasing after my sister?
Her gaze narrowed into a scowl. “Nothing is right. Dad is dead, Mom’s a vegetable, and I made myself feel better by shopping. So what? We have the money.”
“You stole.”
She snorted. “Whatever.”
“It’s not whatever!” My retort met the door as she slammed it.
“Later, Ember!” Gus hugged my middle and ran out the door, tugging his hat over his ears.
I grabbed the nearest pillow off the entry hall bench and shoved my face into it, screaming. Everything was shit.
“Coffee, dear?” Grams asked, patting the seat next to her.
I nodded my head and took the cup she offered, sinking into the cushions. She would know what to do about this. “Grams, how long are you staying?”
She paused in reflection. “I need to get home. I have a life, too, you know.”
I nearly dropped my cup. She couldn’t leave. The house wouldn’t function. Mom wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore, what kind of life I’m supposed to have.”
Her delicate arm came around my shoulders, pulling me to her. “Grief, by its very nature, is designed to suck the life out of us because we are so willing to join our dead. It’s supposed to be this hard to figure out what to do next, but it’s that ‘next’ that makes us the living, and not our dead.” Her soft southern accent drawled on every word.
“Thanks, Grams.” What the hell did that mean?
She laughed. “Oh, my December, you do what you can with your life, what’s in your power. No more, no less.”
Do what I can. Yeah.
Housework consumed my morning. I tackled the dishes, vacuum, grocery list, laundry, and hockey gear. At the dining room table with Grams, I wrote out all the bills while she penned eloquent thank you notes for the countless casseroles that had fed us.
Apparently, grief meant busy work, and every time I moved my wrist while writing, I saw Josh’s number staring back at me. I really wanted to see him, but I also knew I wasn’t ready for what that meant. I was too much of a hot mess to handle myself, let alone any kind of rebound relationship. Was that what he was? My first instinct said no. Josh and Riley were two separate events in my mind, but they were too closely linked.
Around three o’clock in the afternoon, the doorbell rang. I swallowed back the bile in my throat, reminding myself that Dad was already gone; there was nothing to fear from the door anymore. When I opened it to Riley’s mom, I wished I’d gone with my first instinct.
“Ember!” She embraced me with one arm, lasagna pan in the other. “I was hoping June might be up for some company now? She hasn’t let me see her since the funeral.”
Before I could tell her no, Grams stepped in. “She’s not at her best, Gwen. However, I certainly think you could remedy that. Why don’t you head on up?” She gracefully took the pan. “Thank you for thinking of us.”
Mrs. Barton removed her hat, gloves, and coat, hanging them on the pegs like she had countless times since she’d become Mom’s friend. Her kind smile and casual greeting told me all I needed to know. Riley hadn’t told her. “Let’s see if I can’t get her cleaned up a bit. Oh, and Riley’s just finishing up a phone call and then he’ll be in.”
Crap. Shit. Fuck.
Grams’s astute eyes caught my panic. “Why don’t you put this in the refrigerator, Ember?” she drawled.
I nodded and retreated. What the hell could he want? I was pretty sure we’d left everything in Breckenridge. I slid the lasagna onto the refrigerator shelf and heard his deep, remorseful voice behind me as I shut the door. “Hey, Ember.”
“Riley.” I turned slowly, gripping the granite of the island.
He looked perfect as always: his blond hair was windswept and the blue of his vest matched his eyes. Lying, traitorous, cheating eyes. “We need to talk.”
“Pretty sure we don’t.”
He walked toward me, and I skirted to the right, keeping the island between us.
“I’m so sorry, babe. I didn’t know you were coming up.”
“That’s your excuse?” I whispered through clenched teeth. I didn’t need Grams hearing this. She thought Riley was a perfect gentleman.
“I never meant to hurt you!”
“Oh, you didn’t mean to fuck my best friend for a year?” Okay, now I was yelling. The coffee cup sliding across the bar in front of the sink told me Grams had heard it. A quick look confirmed, and warm blood rushed to my cheeks. I’d never sworn in front of her. I was about to get it.
Her eyes darted between Riley and me before settling on a graceful smile. “I think I’ll head on upstairs and check the bathroom. I just heard there’s some trash that needs taking out.” With a pointed look at Riley, but not another word, she left us alone.
“Lower your voice. My mom is upstairs!”
“Good, maybe she’ll find out what an asshole her son is!”
He tore his hands through his hair, messing up his not-so-casually-made casual style. “It was an accident.” I scoffed, but he kept talking. “No, really! The first time you were gone, and we were both lonely, and drunk, and it just happened.”
“And it just kept happening?” It was his turn to flush. “Yeah. You know what’s even worse? You could sleep with her, but you couldn’t bear to touch me, no matter how many times I asked you to! God, I must have looked so fucking desperate to you, and the whole time you were screwing Kayla!” I focused on my rage, the accelerated beat of my heart, because if I looked to see where it was cracked and bleeding, I wouldn’t make it through this.
“I . . .” He slammed his hands onto the granite. “Damn it! I wanted to sleep with you, but I couldn’t; it would have ruined my plan—our plan. You’re the girl I’m going to marry. It had to be perfect!”
Going to, my ass. “And Kayla was perfect? You make zero sense.”
“Kayla was easy, available, and a mistake. You are everything I’ve built my future on. I wasn’t risking that by sleeping with you.”
“Risk what? This isn’t feudal England. Sex doesn’t ruin a girl for marriage any more than it’s ruined you.”
He gripped the countertop, his knuckles turning white. “We agreed to wait until marriage.”
“You! You were going to wait! I never wanted to!”
“Is that what this is about? Because I’ll take you upstairs right now if that makes you happy.” He threw out his arm in the direction of the staircase.
“If you think I’d let you near me—” The phone rang. Its shrill tone pulled me out of the downward spiral my emotions were taking. “Saved by the bell,” I muttered and picked up. “Hello?”
“June Howard?” Oh, crap. I knew that voice. Mrs. Angelo from the attendance office at the high school.
I put on my best June Howard impression. “Yes.” Mom was in no condition to talk, and I was in no mood to explain the situation to the freaking school. Things were a mess enough already.
“Ma’am, this is Mrs. Angelo from Cheyenne Mountain High School.”
“Mrs. Angelo, good afternoon!”
“I’m so sorry to bother you at this time, but will April be returning to us this semester?”
“I’m
sorry?” Crap, my impression might have slipped there.
“We haven’t seen April back yet. Is she ready to return? I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. We’re just trying to keep track of her.” Sympathy dripped from her voice.
Crap. Crap. Craptastic crap. “Absolutely, I’m so sorry. Excuse her for me, would you? I’ll make sure she’s ready tomorrow.” April was going to fry for this one.
“Absolutely, Mrs. Howard. Have a nice day.”
The click sounded the end of the call, and I put the phone back on its charging deck. Riley was still there, staring, and just like that, the fight drained out of me. “I don’t want anything to do with you, Riley. We’re done.”
“I love you, Ember.” Was that panic crawling into his eyes?
“You love yourself. Maybe you loved me when we started dating, but something warped along the way, and you know it’s true. If you love me, you never would have slept with Kayla.”
“How many times can I say I’m sorry?”
“You’re not sorry you did it. You’re sorry you got caught.”
“Please don’t end this.” He lunged toward me, and I evaded. “Please. Our brothers are on the same team, our moms are friends. We have a plan, Ember. Just let me get it back on track. I’m so sorry. I can make this up to you.”
I threw up my hands. “Stop. Stop chasing, stop apologizing, just stop . . . being.”
His gaze narrowed, focused on my exposed forearm. “What the hell is that?”
I flicked my wrist inward and saw the black marks he meant. “Josh’s number.”
“Well, that’s just fantastic. We have a fight and you hop right to the next guy. I never really pegged you for a whore.” Hello, Mr. Hyde.
There must have been parts of me that still loved him, because they shattered in that moment, leaving me naked, bare, cold. “Now we’re definitely done. You can leave.”
His face relaxed, a soft sigh escaping his lips. Dr. Jekyll was back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I just saw those numbers . . . I know that would never happen with you and Josh.” He shook his head with a patronizing smile. “You’re not even his type, too timid. It’s like for hockey or something, right?”
What the hell was that supposed to mean? Too timid for Josh? “And if it’s not?” I needed to hurt him, to make him feel just an ounce of the devastation wrecking me. “What if he wrote it there after he spent the night with me in Breck?”
His eyes flew wide for a second before they narrowed into a glare, bringing back Mr. Hyde. “Tell me you didn’t fuck him! Tell me that’s not how you spent Friday night!”
“The night I caught you with Kayla? You’re such a hypocrite, Riley!” I blinked back the threatening tears. “Three years! I gave you three years! I loved you, cared for you, stood by you! I gave up every dream I had and let you plan out our lives by your insane notions that we had to be a perfect couple for you to go into politics in like ten freaking years! For what? To have you doing Kayla on the side for a year of it?” This time my hands slammed into the granite, pain destroying my fingers and skirting up my forearms.
The doorbell rang.
“What the hell is this? Grand Central Station?” I snapped. He looked at me like I’d lost it, and maybe I had. “Come in!” I didn’t care that Grams might have heard me not greet a guest, or that Mom was upstairs doing whatever it was she did lately.
Six feet and a granite counter separated me from Riley, who I had planned to spend the rest of my life with, but it may as well have been two miles, or two million miles. “Babe, I love you. I know we can fight for this. I won’t see her again, I swear. Once we get up to Boulder, everything will return to normal, I know it. I’m the only one for you.” His gaze ran past me, and he stepped back reflexively before glaring. “What the hell are you doing here? It’s a little early for hockey.”
Josh came up beside me, put an Ember-labeled Starbucks down on the counter, and met my gaze, melting my tension instantly. My posture relaxed as he unzipped his black ski coat, revealing jeans that hugged low on his sculpted hips and a soft gray Henley. He couldn’t have been more different from Riley’s carefully chosen polo. “I’m not just here for hockey.”
“Well, you’re not fucking welcome to anything else in this house,” Riley fired back, coming around the island. “It’s not like you actually want her! I remember the girls you went after in school, and Ember isn’t on that level.”
Not on that level? What the hell? The man I’d thought was the love of my life didn’t think I was enough to merit Josh Walker’s attention. He thought so little of me. How had I never noticed it before?
I glanced up at Josh. “Whatever I need?” He gave a small nod, and I pounced. I threw my arms around his neck and fitted his mouth to mine. I knew this was for Riley’s benefit, but the moment Josh’s lips touched mine, I forgot all about Riley.
Josh grabbed ahold of my rear and lifted me against him. I lost myself in the feel of his mouth and the plunge of his tongue as he slanted over me. My body remembered his, softening against him. Oh, yes, I remembered exactly what his body could do to mine, and I wanted it again.
“Are you serious?” Riley’s shout broke through my haze. Josh kissed me gently, brushing my mouth with his one last time before setting me back on my feet.
It took all of my concentration to turn back to Riley. “Get out. We’re done, and I’m not saying it again.”
“We’ll fix this when we get back to Boulder, Ember. I’m not walking away this easily. I don’t care what happened with this guy.” His face was a mottled red. “Remember, we have a plan! I know you want the same things I do.”
The phone rang again. “For the love of God!” I ripped it off the charger and stabbed the talk button. “Hello?”
“May I speak with December Howard?” a polite female voice asked me.
“This is she.” I was so not in the freaking mood to deal with anything else today. Josh and Riley sized each other up across the island, and I was afraid that any moment there would be an all-out brawl in my kitchen.
“This is Ms. Shaw from the registrar up here at CU Boulder. One of your classes”—papers swished in the background—“Psych 325: Early Childhood Trauma, has been cancelled. Was there another class you’d care to put in its place?”
“Cancelled?”
“Yes, miss.”
Josh turned, his eyes softening, and took a step toward me. Riley crossed his arms and leaned forward onto the island.
It wasn’t a choice between them. I would never make a choice this big on a guy . . . right? But Gus needed me, April was floundering, and Mom wasn’t functioning. What the hell was I supposed to do?
You do what you can. Grams was right. I could only do what was in my power, and everything else I had to let slip. But this? This was in my power. “No, thank you.”
“You wouldn’t like to add another class?”
Past versus future, but with the options in front of me, I couldn’t tell which was which. Both were familiar, both were a sort of home, but there was only one place I was needed. I met Riley’s sullen gaze. “No, ma’am, I won’t be returning to Boulder. My father died over break, and I’m needed at home. Could you withdraw me from all classes? I’ll be transferring here to CU Springs.”
Riley’s face lost all its color, and he shook his head quickly. His mouth opened and shut like a fish caught out of water.
“I’m sorry to hear about your father, and to lose you, December,” the clerk said with sympathy.
I looked up at the slow smile that spread across Josh’s face and said, “Thank you.” I hung up, knowing she was right: when it came to the people at Boulder, Riley and Kayla, it was their loss.
I just wasn’t sure it was Josh’s gain.
Chapter Eight
“The dorms were full,” I explained to April as she helped lug in the last of my boxes from the car. She’d jumped at the chance to see my new apartment. “Besides, Sam’s roommate flunked out last semester, so it’s pretty perfect
.” It had only taken a week, but I’d moved from Boulder, enrolled at UCCS, and managed to avoid Riley . . . and Josh.
I didn’t even want to think about either of them right now. I couldn’t be the girl who switched colleges over a guy. Unless you included Dad, then I guess I really was that girl.
“Does this mean I can crash here on weekends?” She flung herself onto my bare bed.
I chucked my pillow at her. “Only if Mom okays it. I’m not your hideout.” It was nice to have a moment where I could be her sister and not her mother.
She picked up a picture of our family, the one from that last afternoon at the Breckenridge cabin, from the top of an open box. “If she ever recovers from her lobotomy.” She absently stroked her thumb over Mom’s smiling face in the family photo. It was the last one we’d taken before Dad deployed. That made it our last one, period.
“She’ll come around,” I promised what I had no right to.
“Right. She doesn’t even realize you’ve transferred schools.” She rolled her eyes and changed the subject. “How did Kayla take you moving out?”
Ouch. I didn’t expect that to hurt, but it did. “I went while she was still in Breckenridge and moved my stuff out. It’s not like she didn’t know the reason.”
“Riley’s an asshat.” I didn’t argue with her language. She eyed the mini-fridge and TV I’d pulled out of our shared dorm room. “Did you leave Kayla anything?”
A wicked smile flashed across my face. “Every picture I had of Riley and me, with a note that said, ‘He’s all yours. Smooches!’”
“Badass!”
She crossed her feet, revealing another pair of new shoes, and I couldn’t hold my tongue. “April, I paid off that credit card bill, but you have to give me the card, and Mom has to know. What you’re doing is illegal, and wrong, and hurtful—”
“Jesus, stop lecturing me.” She pulled the card out of her back pocket and tossed it onto my desk as she hopped off the bed. “Bathroom?”
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