Full Measures

by Rebecca Yarros

  “Josh, which party are we headed to?” Tweedledee asked.

  “I figured we’d head to the house, if that’s okay with you ladies.”

  The girls squealed. Sweet mercy, they were freaking loud.

  “I’ll take that as a ‘yes.’” He chuckled. “Ember?”

  I locked onto those brown eyes again and stuck to the plan. No more hiding, no more fighting it. “I want to be wherever you are.”

  I felt the girls both turn and stare at me, but I wasn’t letting go of his gaze long enough to acknowledge them. If this was a fight for his attention, I was winning. Period. His breath left his chest in a ragged sound as the light turned green, and he broke our stare.

  Three minutes and a lifetime later, we pulled in front of the Kappa house. It wasn’t as packed as it had been for the Snow Bash, but there was still more than a decent showing. People scurried out of the way as Josh sped into his spot, threw the brake, and bolted from the car like he was on fire. The girls climbed down, pulling their skirts to cover their asses as they hit the ground.

  “Walker!” his brothers called out from the porch, lifting red solo cups in salute. “Great game!”

  Josh gave them a head nod and helped Tweedledee and Tweedledum over the roped markers that separated the parking lot from the sidewalk in front of the house. I climbed over on my own.

  With one girl under each arm, he walked up the porch steps. Another set of puck bunnies, this time of the brunette variety, met him at the door. “Josh! We wanted to catch a ride with you!” one pouted, sliding her fingers up his chest.

  The urge to hurl nearly overpowered me. Could they be any more pathetic? It seemed like the more desperate they were, the smaller their clothes got. “Don’t worry girls.” A cocky smile made his face less austere, more boyish. “There’s plenty to go around, and I’m feeling good tonight.”

  The girls slid up next to him, giving Tweedledee and Tweedledum a run for their money, and exasperation nearly choked me. Who the hell was he tonight?

  Then I realized, this was the Josh Walker everyone else knew. The one who scored the goals on the ice, and the girls off it. This was the Josh I was warned against, and here I was chasing after him like a naïve freshman again. Five years hadn’t changed much.

  My feet hit the first steps and stopped as my hand clenched the thick porch railing. Who was I to call those girls pathetic? Sure, they had on less clothes than I did, but we were all there for the same reason: chasing Josh Walker. He was being an ass, and I was being pathetic.

  “You coming, Ember?” The mocking look on his face pushed me over the edge I’d been walking.

  He wanted to play games? Fine.

  “Yep.” I skipped up the steps ahead of him and headed in the house, not looking back at him.

  The house was packed. Speakers blared 50 Cent, and I pushed my way to the pool table, where Jagger leaned over the green felt with a cue. “I need a drink.”

  His eyebrows shot up, and he sank the shot. “My pleasure.” He stood, stretching the cue above his head, the movement lifting his shirt to reveal a set of seriously cut abs. But as gorgeous as Jagger was, he didn’t have me desperate to run my tongue up his stomach. “Beer?” He handed his cue off to one of his brothers and walked me to the bar. A minute later, he popped the lid off and handed me a bottle. “You’re a cherry wheat fan, right?”

  “Yeah, thanks for noticing.” I offered him a smile, took a long pull of the beer, and leaned back against the bar.

  “You’re not exactly dressed for a party.”

  A wry laugh bubbled out of me. “Yeah, well, I didn’t know I’d be competing for Josh with the rest of the crowd here.”

  His gaze transferred from me to across the room where I knew Josh was already dancing with the bimbo brigade. “You know what you’re doing, there? Josh is . . . Josh.”

  I slammed back my beer and peeled off my Henley to just my blue lace camisole, cut low enough to bare my cleavage but not my bra. Catcalls erupted around us. I tossed my shirt on the bar and ran my fingers through my static-ridden hair. Freaking arid air. “That’s better, don’t you think? Dance with me.”

  His eyes widened. “I think Josh has his damn hands full.” He pulled me onto the floor so I could dance, but kept a junior-high-dance space between our bodies. No doubt the last thing he wanted was to piss off his roommate.

  I locked eyes with Josh from a few feet away, looking over the Barbie rubbing up against him. Get a freaking room. Ugh. The thought sent slices of agony through my chest. His hands may have been on her body, but his eyes were on me, following each move I made with the beat. Energy thrummed through me, not from the music, but from watching Josh move and remembering what it felt like to have him pressed against me.

  Barbie turned in his arms and whispered in his ear. He gave her a seductive smile, and she took his outstretched hand. She slid by us first, pulling him through the crowd toward the stairs. Josh cocked one eyebrow up at me in question, but I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eyes. If all he wanted was an easy piece of ass, then he was right to take Barbie upstairs.

  But I knew that was a lie the moment I thought it. Sure, he’d taken me farther than any guy had, but he’d stopped before sleeping with me. That kind of guy wasn’t only about an easy piece.

  He shook his head with a self-deprecating smile, like he was disappointed, and kept his eyes locked on me as he whispered something to Jagger. Jagger nodded, and Josh threw me one last inquisitive look before taking Barbie upstairs.

  “Let’s get a drink,” Jagger suggested. I nodded my head absentmindedly and followed him back to the bar. “Beer?”

  “Tequila.” Beer just wasn’t going to cut it.

  Lick. Slam. Suck. The alcohol slid down my throat like fire, and the cool lime soothed the numbing pain. But the flavor put me back in Breckenridge and the taste of Josh’s tongue in my mouth. Watching him walk that girl upstairs wrecked my soul and tore it down, threatening to bring me lower than Riley ever had.

  “I need air,” I forced out, stumbling over a barstool. I wasn’t even drunk. Just devastated. I wiggled my way through the crowd and onto the front porch, which was remarkably empty, and gripped the chain on the porch swing as I lowered my weight into it. Josh was upstairs, touching another girl, kissing her. I took deep breaths to keep from puking.

  Jagger followed me out and leaned against the porch railing, watching me silently as he nursed another beer.

  “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing,” I admitted, staring up at the stars.

  “Neither does he.”

  “Oh, I think he’s pretty well-versed at taking girls upstairs during these parties.” God, it hurt. “Why does this hurt so badly?” It was a rhetorical question, but Jagger answered.

  “Love’s a bitch.”

  That brought my gaze to his. “I don’t love him.”

  “Really? Then why do you care who he takes upstairs?”

  I didn’t owe Jagger an explanation. Hell, I barely knew him, but maybe he could understand. Someone in this situation had to, right? “I-I-I don’t care who he takes.”

  “You cared when it was you.” Josh’s smooth-as-velvet voice came from the doorway.

  I turned to see him leaned up against it, arms crossed in front of him casually. He looked so damn sexy. Had she tasted good to him? “Done already? You know, it’s not about scoring the fastest, right?”

  Jagger took one look at the tension in Josh’s face and excused himself. “Yeah, just let me know when you’re ready to head home, man.”

  The swing rocked slightly as Josh took the seat next to me. “What are you doing, Ember?”

  I bit back the fury that choked me and let honesty rule. “I have no idea. Why would you do that? Take her upstairs with me watching?”

  His eyes took a hard glint. “Like it matters? Last time I checked, you have a boyfriend, right, Ember? You choose to be with an asshole who doesn’t deserve a single one of your kisses, and I choose to sleep with vapid gi
rls.”

  “I’m not with Riley. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

  His mouth hung open momentarily. “You’re not?”

  “No. We had lunch at the game and both got the closure we needed. You don’t walk away from a three-year relationship without taking a minute to let it go, Josh.”

  “But I saw you in his arms.” His brow furrowed, and I desperately wanted to smooth the lines in his forehead with my fingers.

  “You saw me hugging him good-bye, yes. I tried to catch you and explain, but you were gone, and then you wouldn’t take my calls.” I shifted my weight toward him, making the chains of the swing squeak.

  “You’re not with Riley?”

  What was he, a parrot? “No.”

  “Why not?”

  I bit my lip, gnawing on the possibility of letting him in, all the way in. Just a few words, that would be all it took for him to know what he meant to me. But those few words opened me up to all the hurt I’d been trying to protect myself from.

  He reached over the distance that separated us and stroked his fingers down my cheek. “December, why not?”

  I savored the sound of my name from his mouth.

  “Please, tell me?”

  His plea broke me. “Because he’s not you.” The confession slipped past my lips in a whisper before I could use my better judgment.

  A ragged sigh burst from his lips a second before he claimed mine. Without preamble, his tongue swept inside my mouth and took me in a crushing kiss. With what sanity I had left, I pulled away. “Why aren’t you upstairs with Barbie? She’s a pretty little package.”

  He rested his forehead against mine. “Because everything I want is wrapped up in you, Ember.”

  “Everything about me is . . . just messed up. You have no idea what you’re getting into.”

  “You. I’m getting into you, December. That’s all I need.” He finished his promise against my mouth, and I lost myself in him. “Just give me a chance.”

  Chances meant vulnerability, and I knew I couldn’t survive another loss, especially if it was from Josh. But my other option was not to have him. So there was only really one choice.

  “Okay, let’s give this a chance.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Three knocks sounded on the door. Josh was right on time.

  I checked my makeup in the mirror, like I hadn’t already done it a dozen times or more. Yup, my face was still there. I let out a deep breath and tried to slow my racing heart as I opened the door for our Friday night date.

  The slow smile that spread across his face sent my heart rate flying again. “Hi.”

  His teeth bit into his lower lip a scant second before he shook his head at me. “You can’t wear that.”

  Ouch. “You don’t like it?” I looked down at the short, flirty skirt Sam had talked me into, paired with leggings and a low-cut sweater. This was her idea of “helping” the situation along.

  “Oh no, I like it.” His eyes darkened. “You look edible, Ember. But you’ll freeze that cute little rear of yours off if you wear it.”

  “What do you want me to wear?”

  “Pants.”

  I laughed. “These are pants.”

  “Those are glorified pantyhose.” He took three steps, backing me against the entry-hall wall. My breath hitched as he reached down my left leg and lifted it, curling it by the knee around his waist. One move, and he had me so turned on I was ready to forgo the date and skip to the good-night kiss, or more. Or something. He ran his hand from my exposed ankle up my legging-clad calf, across the back of my knee and up my thigh, stopping where the skirt began. He brought his forehead down to rest against mine. “I can feel every curve of you under these, December, just as if my hand was on your naked skin.”

  I arched up for a kiss and he pulled back, his eyes dark with familiar desire. “If I kiss you now, there will be no date.”

  “I’m okay with that.”

  With one last stroke of my leg, he released it from his waist and gently set it back to the ground. He lifted his hands like he was under arrest and backed away slowly. “Pants. Now.”

  I pushed off the wall and headed back to my bedroom to change with an uncontrollable smile on my face. I had Josh Walker close to losing control.

  Thank God for the stupid pants.

  “I cannot believe this is your idea of a date.” I looked up at the ceiling of the Honnen Ice Arena for the fifth time this hour from my back. I’d been down so often that the cold had seeped through my vest, shirt, and into my skin. At least I’d worn gloves to spare my fingers.

  Josh laughed, pulling me up yet again. “I guess it’s a pretty good way to get you on your back.”

  “Ha. Ha.” My feet slipped out from underneath me, but he had a firm enough grip to keep me upright. It was the first time in his arms that I wasn’t thinking about taking his clothes off. “I can’t believe you find this fun.”

  He skated me toward the goal and made sure I was steady before he skated around me. “This is where I live. Everything else is just breathing to get by.”

  “So basically you brought me here to show off?”

  He skated backward away from me, his grin drawing me in like nothing else could. “Is it working?”

  “It’s making my butt sore.”

  His laugh echoed around the empty hall. I skated out a few yards, forgetting my precarious position, and lost myself in watching him. He turned so quickly, I couldn’t believe he didn’t fall, and cut back toward me. It was true: this is where he lived, not just existed. There was vitality in him that didn’t exist anywhere else but on the ice. He’d had it in high school, but it had increased since then. He skated more powerfully, and yet had more control now. He was more skilled and more comfortable with it, more daring when the situation called for it, and more patient when daring wasn’t the way to go.

  Where did I live? Where was I vital? Did I have anything that made me feel as alive as Josh looked right now?

  “Hey, where are you?” he asked, gliding forward and bracing me before I fell. “You went far away just then.”

  I forced a smile. “Nothing, no worries.”

  “Don’t pull that crap with me. If there’s something on your mind, I want to know about it. Don’t shove it to the side.”

  I couldn’t put it into words, not really. “It’s stupid.”

  He came around my side and, with one hand around my waist, guided me smoothly around the ice. “I didn’t mean to push. It’s just that I don’t want you faking stuff around me. Don’t treat me like I’m someone else.”

  We both knew who he was talking about. We made another turn, and I was careful to watch his feet, mimicking his smooth motions with my own. “You’re really happy out here.”

  “Yes.”

  “I don’t have anything like this. I can’t remember the last time I had something of my own. Something that made me feel driven, alive.”

  He turned so he was skating backward, pulling me while I faced him. “If I remember correctly, you were a spitfire on the debate team.”

  I would have tripped if he hadn’t kept me steady. “Debate team? That was eons ago. Like freshman-and-sophomore-year eons.” My eyes narrowed. “I don’t remember seeing you anywhere near the debate team.” If I had, I wouldn’t have bothered to look at Riley.

  His grin nearly undid me. “I seem to recall a certain argument over school uniforms. You handed the opposing team their asses, and that paper was brilliant.”

  “Hey! School uniforms are an equalizing measure that takes away a lot of the peer pressure to spend tons of money on clothes for stupid social status . . . Wait. You were actually there? You read my paper?”

  “Yeah.” His thumb grazed across my cheek, and he took my hand. “I was Andrusyk’s TA, so I entered all his grades. What were you planning to do with all that fire?”

  I braced myself for the oh-she’s-a-dork look. “I wanted to write history books, finding the other side of the story, kind of l
ike Howard Zinn.” I quickly changed the subject before he could think I was an insane library-stalker. “Besides, you entering my grade was one thing, but actually being there to watch?”

  His smile faded into a look of brutal intensity. “I had a thing for this girl, but she was way too good for someone like I was.”

  The silence of the rink was only broken by the sound of our skates on the ice. “I had the biggest crush on you.” The confession tumbled and tripped from my lips. “I used to daydream about asking you to Sadie Hawkins, or that you’d notice me, but you were Josh Walker, and that was never going to happen.”

  He swallowed. “I’m glad you didn’t. I wasn’t the right kind of guy back then.”

  “But you are now?”

  “That’s the beautiful thing about time. No one stays who they were in high school. You wrote the most amazing history papers, looked at issues with such fresh views. You’d be a great historian. Why did you quit?”

  It took less than a second to think back and remember. “Riley.” It came out as a whisper, and I stopped moving my feet. We coasted for a few feet until Josh stopped us, waiting for me to continue. “We got together and made all these plans. I mean, they were good plans, but they were his, I guess. I decided to become an elementary teacher instead, and everything else just went away. Besides, quitting gave me more time for other things, and Dad was gone that year, so Mom needed help with Gus.”

  “Do you ever think of yourself first?”

  I laughed. “All the time. Don’t paint me as some kind of martyr, Josh. There are just certain ways that things run. Everything has a system, a schedule, and whatever doesn’t help that run gets eliminated. It’s logic, not selflessness.”

  “And now that Riley isn’t in the picture? Are you still planning to teach?”

  The pit of my stomach dropped out, threatening to take me with it. “Yes.” I shook my head. “No.” I closed my eyes and my breath rushed out as vapor in the air. “I don’t know. It wasn’t losing Riley that hurt the most. It was losing the plans we made. Everything was set, and straight, and perfect. Now everything is just a jumble, and I don’t know how to clean it up without him telling me.”