Pushing the thought out of my head, I eat breakfast and then head downstairs to tell Jack I will join him and Christopher on their outing to Alpenzoo.
To make it as fun as possible for Christopher, we decide to take the lift from the Hungerburg cable car to reach Alpenzoo, even though we could’ve just walked for half an hour from the city center or taken the bus. Alpenzoo claims to be Europe’s highest zoo. When we reach the zoo, I’m dazzled by the spectacular views. Christopher, who’s no doubt accustomed to Austria’s panorama after living here for seven years, doesn’t even give it a second glance. His focus is on the animals, in particular the bears and wolves.
Most of Alpenzoo’s exhibits feature species found in the Alps. Christopher holds my hand as his father pushes his wheelchair. My heart tugs a bit at Christopher’s gesture. I can see he wants to feel as if he’s leading me while he tells me about the animals.
“I take it you come here often?” I ask Christopher.
“We used to come every month. Now I think it’s every other month or so.”
“Oh.” I look at Jack and smile. He returns my smile.
“I think someone is trying to impress you with his own animal expertise.”
The comment flies over Christopher’s head as he goes on to tell me about the next exhibit, which features reptiles.
Having Christopher with us has taken away some of the awkwardness Jack and I have been feeling after our date. I actually feel relaxed and am enjoying myself. And Jack doesn’t seem to be anxious.
A few hours later, we’re back at the hotel. I’m about to thank Jack and Christopher for inviting me and take my leave when Jack says, “So, I know it’s Christmas Eve and your birthday, Bianca. Do you have anything planned to celebrate tonight?”
I don’t have anything major planned; I’ll have to see how my spirits are holding up. Often, it’s at night that I feel the most down and am thinking about Mark. While I’m tempted to be vague with Jack, I don’t have the heart. He’s a good man, and he’s been very candid with me.
“I don’t have any set plans. I was going to have some dinner and then maybe take a walk to Old Town. If I’m not too tired, I might even venture out again to go to midnight mass at the Cathedral of St. James.”
“Oh, you have to go, Bianca! I’ll be singing in the choir. Please say you’ll come!” Christopher pleads.
“Christopher, it’s not nice to put pressure on Bianca. You can invite her, but don’t beg her or make her feel like she has to attend.”
Christopher looks down into his lap. His cheeks are turning crimson.
I kneel beside him and tilt his chin up with my hand. “I wouldn’t miss hearing you sing again for the world. I’ll be there!”
Christopher’s eyes light up.
Jack looks at me when I stand back up and mouths the words thank you. I can’t help but wonder if he’s also thanking me for not letting him down, in addition to Christopher.
When we get back to the hotel, Christopher shakes my hand and says, “I had a great time today. I’ll see you later in church.”
I bend down and kiss Christopher on the cheek. The action surprises him, but he looks pleased. “I had a great time, too. Thank you so much for inviting me. And yes, I’ll see you at midnight mass tonight.”
“Christopher, I’m just going to walk Bianca to the elevator.”
My stomach knots up a bit as Jack escorts me inside and to the elevator bank.
“Thank you, Bianca. If you haven’t noticed already, my son is absolutely crazy about you. I’m sorry he put you on the spot like that about midnight mass.”
“Please, Jack. I’m crazy about him too! He’s a wonderful boy. I loved hearing him and the choir sing the other night. And thank you for inviting me to the zoo. You know, you really didn’t have to repay me for treating Chauncey. I was just saying that to trip you up the other night. I’m sorry.”
“I know, and you did a great job of it. I couldn’t think of a good comeback. You’re turning me into a pathetic blob of jelly. Thank you for the apology, but I suppose I deserved your crack after overstepping my boundaries and kissing you.”
At the mention of our kiss, our eyes meet for a moment before I clear my throat and look away. I reach for a cough drop in my purse to distract myself further from Jack’s gaze.
“Oh, I almost forgot. Thank you for the roses.”
“You’re welcome. I have to admit, they weren’t just a birthday gift but also an I’m-sorry-for-acting-like-a-wild-boar gift.”
“I suspected as much. But you didn’t act like a wild boar. I’m sorry too for reacting the way I did.”
“Please, Bianca. There’s no need for you to apologize.”
“Thank you.” I look down at my feet, suddenly feeling shy.
“Is there any way I can get a do-over? If no one is joining you tonight, will you have dinner with me again? I promise I’ll be on my best behavior.” Jack crosses his heart with his hands. I can’t help but laugh.
“That would be nice. I enjoyed talking to you the other night.”
“You did?”
“Yes, very much.”
Jack’s face is absolutely beaming. “I had a great time too. So, how about I pick you up around seven? I’ll have to swing back to the house to drive Christopher to church around eleven. You could hang around with me until then, since you’re going to the service.”
“Sounds good.”
“Great. Oh, and I’d like to take you to a more formal restaurant than the one we went to last time. You don’t have to wear a dress—I wouldn’t do that to you in these freezing temps—but I wouldn’t want you to dress too casually and feel uncomfortable.”
“Thanks for the warning. I think I can find something in my luggage.”
“Great. Speaking of freezing, Christopher is probably halfway there. I’d better run.”
I wave as Jack hurries out.
Panic begins to set in as I realize I actually might not have anything dressier to wear to dinner tonight. Glancing at my watch, I see I have a good two hours before I have to start getting ready for dinner. Instead of going up to my room, I walk over to the city center to do some shopping. I know there’s no lying to myself now. This is definitely a real date.
Chapter 14
Jack and I are seated side by side in the Cathedral of St. James. Mark and I never visited this cathedral, which helps to lessen my guilt at being out with Jack. We’re both quiet as we take in the astounding baroque architecture. My thoughts drift to our dinner earlier.
It was uneventful in the sense that Jack did abide by his promise of not doing anything to make me feel uncomfortable. We talked about growing up in New England and how much we loved the winters there even though they can be especially grueling. Jack made me laugh with a few stories from his childhood and the antics he pulled both at home and in school. Likewise, I made him laugh with stories of my brothers and how they would delight in playing pranks on me because I was the youngest and the only girl in our family. I also told him about Nonna and how close I’d been to her. I didn’t look up until I was done talking about her, and I noticed Jack was staring at me with a hint of a smile. Something about the way he was looking at me made my heart stop for a moment.
He surprised me with a birthday cake he had bought at one of the local pastry shops. Thankfully, he didn’t have the staff sing “Happy Birthday” to me in German—although that would’ve been memorable! We each couldn’t resist having two slices. I asked the kitchen to cut a generous portion of the cake so Jack could take it home for Christopher. I took the remainder.
Jack breaks in on my thoughts. “Though we come here on Sundays for Mass, I’m still awed every time I step into this cathedral.”
“Yes. It’s quite breathtaking.”
The choir begins walking out onto the stage. Christopher soon follows in his wheelchair. My heart tugs at the sight of this brave boy. He’s had misfortune in his life and has managed to move on. Then again, he was so young when his accident hap
pened. He’s been in a wheelchair most of his life. Still, there must be times when he wishes he can run like the other children. There must be times when he wonders why this happened to him, and why his mother was taken away. If he can be so happy and confident, what’s my excuse? Suddenly, shame fills me as I think about how selfish I’ve been the past few years, shutting myself off from my family and friends. True, I needed time to grieve, but I let myself fall ever deeper into a well of self-pity.
The choir begins a rendition of “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.” The choir’s performance is flawless. I glance around at the audience; everyone is rapt by the singing. Jack’s expression is full of pride. He must feel me watching him, for he turns in my direction and winks. My face reddens, but I can’t help but smile.
I’m enjoying myself. In fact, these past few days I’ve spent with Jack and Christopher have been a welcome distraction. My thoughts, for once, haven’t been completely consumed by Mark. Suddenly, I realize I haven’t seen his ghost since that day in the hotel’s conference room, after I treated Chauncey’s foot. Is he perhaps angry that I’ve been spending so much time with Jack?
Unconsciously, my hand is playing with the rainbow charm Mark had given me for Christmas.
“Is that a rainbow?” Jack asks.
I was so lost in thought that I hadn’t even noticed the choir had stopped singing and it was time for intermission.
“Yes. Playing with it is a nervous habit of mine. I don’t even realize when I’m doing it.” I stop playing with the charm.
“Are you nervous?” Jack’s voice drops to a husky whisper. The sound of it sends a tingle straight to the pit of my belly.
“No. My mind just drifted and I was daydreaming a bit. That’s all.”
Thankfully, Jack lets me off the hook and doesn’t ask me what I was daydreaming about.
“It’s a beautiful necklace. Was it a gift?”
I nod my head. “A Christmas gift.” I open up my purse and busy myself by pulling out my compact and applying powder to my face. Jack picks up on my hint and doesn’t press me for further details on my necklace.
But just when relief washes over me, Jack says, “You never did mention what brought you to spend the holidays alone here in Innsbruck. You’ve talked about your family and how close you all are. I can’t imagine why you’re apart from them during Christmas.”
I pause before responding. “It was important I take this trip alone. My family understood.”
Jack’s face looks pensive. He begins to say something but stops. I’m hoping this will be the end of it. But then he blurts out, “Bianca, I don’t mean to pry. I’m sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I’m here if you need someone to listen. I’ve always been told I’m a great listener.”
I’m touched by his concern. He’s been nothing but open with me about his own loss. I place my hand on Jack’s arm. “Thank you. I can tell you’re a great listener. I’m sorry for being so evasive. It’s just . . . well, it’s just this has been a difficult trip for me, Jack. I’ve been reliving some painful memories. I was here five years ago with someone very special. He was my fiancé, actually. And he was . . . he was killed in a bus crash.”
There. I’ve said it. I haven’t been able to utter those words to anyone. When Mark was killed, the police had offered to contact our families, so I didn’t have to actually break the news to them. And whenever I met someone new at work, I never shared with them that I was engaged before. I didn’t wear my engagement ring to work because I was constantly washing my hands at the vet clinic.
It’s almost as if I tried to act like none of it ever happened. I never met Mark or had a yearlong relationship with him. We never came to Austria. Mark was never killed because he never met me. And without warning, I realize in this moment why I haven’t allowed myself to move forward with my life. Deep down, I blame myself for Mark’s death. Somehow, I’ve been feeling all along that if he’d never met me, he wouldn’t have been in Innsbruck that Christmas or taken that bus over the Brenner Pass. He wouldn’t have been preoccupied with bracing me before the crash to save my life.
Tears fill my eyes and I can’t stop them from falling. Jack places his hand over mine, which I’ve forgotten is still on his arm. He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to. He knows exactly the pain I’m feeling. He knows what it’s like to lose the love of your life in an instant.
He pulls a silk handkerchief from his coat pocket and hands it to me.
“Oh, thank you, but I’ll ruin it.”
“Like I care.”
And before I can protest again, Jack is patting my tears dry. The action moves me. When he’s done, I take the handkerchief.
“Thank you. I’m sorry I fell apart.”
“We all need to do that from time to time. Lord knows I have. It’s really the only way you get through it. For some reason, we often tend to do our best to be stoic when we go through something painful, but that only delays our grieving.”
“How long did it take you to fully mourn Jennifer’s loss?”
“Years. I think the first two were the worst. Then, after that, it got better little by little. But trust me, there are times I still cry over her, especially when I see what a special boy Christopher is turning out to be. I wish she could be here to witness it all. I wish he could have his mother back.”
“She is witnessing it all, Jack. She might not be here, but I’m confident she is watching over both of you.”
I wish I could tell Jack about my seeing Mark’s ghost, but I don’t want him thinking I’m a total nutcase. Of course, that’s why I can be so certain that Jennifer knows what a wonderful son she has. I wonder if she’s watching us now.
“Bianca, I have a confession to make. And before you get upset with me, please hear me out.”
“What is it?”
“I actually knew about Mark already.”
“What? How?”
“The bus crash made the news. Remember, I was already living here in Innsbruck at that time. I had read about it in the papers, and there was even a photo of the two of you together. I almost didn’t recognize you when you checked into the hotel. You’ve lost quite a bit of weight since that photo was taken, and your hair was much shorter back then.”
I had let my hair grow after Mark’s death. It was easier than getting the frequent haircuts a short hairstyle demanded. It was just another excuse for me not to go out as much. Except for work and grocery shopping, I rarely went out. My family often forced me to go on outings with them, but there were times I faked being sick so they’d leave me alone. I’m sure they knew I was lying.
“Anyway, your name sounded familiar, and then I thought I had seen you somewhere before. So I Googled you and saw again the news reports about the bus crash and Mark being killed. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner, Bianca. But I wanted you to tell me when you were ready. I know how hard it is to open up to someone you’ve just met about such an incredible loss.”
I feel a momentary flash of anger that Jack hadn’t told me he knew about Mark, but then again, if the roles were reversed, I probably wouldn’t have brought it up either. How do you bring up such an awkward subject with someone you’ve just met? Naturally, he realized how painful the subject would be for me because he went through a similar loss. I decide to let my anger fade.
“Well, I guess I should thank you for not pressuring me to talk about Mark. But you had no problems opening up to me about Jennifer even though you barely knew me.”
“That’s because I’ve fully dealt with her loss. It’s not so difficult for me to talk about her anymore.”
“So you knew who I was all along.” Embarrassment washes over me. “No wonder you frowned when I told you the other day at the café that I was meeting my boyfriend.” I shake my head. “I’m such an idiot. I’m sorry again for lying to you.”
“It’s understandable. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Bianca. I didn’t take it personally. Besides, you didn’t owe me anything. I was just a strange
r. I thought maybe you had met someone else and were here with him. But I have to admit, I did find it kind of odd you would return to the place where your fiancé was killed with someone else.”
“And didn’t you find it odd that I would return here at all? I’m sure you must think I’m some sadistic person who loves to suffer.” I offer a halfhearted laugh.
Jack takes my chin in his hand and forces me to look at him. “Hey! I never thought any such thing.”
We remain silent for a few minutes.
“Are you mad that I didn’t tell you right away that I knew who you were?”
“I was mad at first. But then I understood you didn’t want to force me to talk about anything I might not be ready to. Only someone who’s lost a loved one could understand that.”
“That’s true.”
“But I’m warning you, I’m not always this generous with my forgiveness. So watch out from now on!” I wave my index finger at Jack. He laughs.
“I’m glad I finally told you. It was weighing on me.”
“So, you were wondering why I chose to spend Christmas apart from my family.”
“I have my suspicions as to why. You’ve come here to finally deal with Mark’s loss. You haven’t fully healed yet.”
“Perceptive in addition to a great listener.” I laugh softly.
I’m surprised I can joke, though I know Jack can see through my weak attempt at humor as a way to mask my enormous pain.
“Yes, you’re right, Jack. But it wasn’t my idea. I have my shrink to thank for sending me here. It’s been sheer torture revisiting all the places I’d been with Mark.”
“But surely there was also some joy at remembering how happy you were and the love you shared for each other even if those memories inevitably also brought pain.”
“There was.”
“So, do you feel coming here has helped at all?”
I shrug my shoulders. “Yes and no. I haven’t taken my shrink’s most important test yet.”
When the Snow Falls Page 25