by C. B. Haight
Collett tipped her head back, “I can feel you now, feel your anger.”
“Is that all you’ve felt from me, anger?”
“No. I’ve felt your worry once before. And the other night when your mind drifted off, when you went where I could not follow. I felt a deep ache in you, a heavy sadness.”
“Oh.” Cade muttered.
“It seems to me, I only get impressions from you when you let your guard down. It bothers you that I can’t,” she stated more then asked.
Cade began rubbing her shoulders again, “Can you sense that?”
“No but I can see it, on your face.”
“It doesn’t really bother me so much as it makes me wonder.”
Collett smiled. It bothered him. “It’s not just you. I have a harder time with Nate, too,” she reassured.
“Huh.” He replied, still thinking about it.
“Do you want me to try?” she offered.
“Try what?”
Collett just looked back at Cade pointedly.
He stammered “Oh. Well, no… It’s okay. I mean, only if you want to.”
“I can try.” she assured. It was odd to see Cade so nervous. He always acted so sure of himself. He was strong and confident, yet now he stammered. He was vulnerable, unsure of what he wanted. “Let me get dressed, and then we’ll give it a try,” she gripped her towel tightly and stood.
“You don’t have to if you’re tired. We can do this another time,” he said quietly to her back.
“I’ll be right out,” Collett softly reassured. Then she went into the bathroom to change.
She came out shortly, wearing a soft white t-shirt and navy blue cotton pants that fit her like a second skin. Cade held back the audible groan at the sight of her, but he heard it within himself.
There was nothing special or alluring about her nightclothes. There were no pretenses, no fancy negligée, and no dangling earrings. Her perfect ivory skin was left unpainted by makeup. Her soft, golden hair was pulled smoothly back then twisted up and held by a clip of some kind. For Cade, her simplistic attire and the natural beauty of her, was even more alluring than any slinky black gown. To him she was real, perfect, exquisite.
He met her gaze. Her eyes were like the most flawless blue crystals, plucked from the deepest mines.
“You’re beautiful,” he confessed reverently.
“I’m sorry?” she asked, as she hadn’t heard him correctly.
Cade stood and approached her. He put the palm of his hand to her cheek and said it again, this time with strong heartfelt sincerity, “You are absolutely beautiful.” He held her captive in his gaze and continued, “I’m in love with you.”
“Cade…”
“No, don’t. I want you to know that. I want to you to feel that. When you reach into me, to understand my emotions, look for that. Then you’ll know and feel what I know and feel. It is important to me that you know. With the whole of my heart, I love you, Collett.”
He moved both of his hands down and grabbed her left hand. Cade brought her hand to his chest, pressing it against his heart. She could feel the quick, steady beats of his heart beneath her palm. She looked at her hand covered by his, and then back to his face, with the makings of tears in her vivid blue eyes.
Cade spoke softly again, “Look for that, please… I have lived a very long time. In that time, I have seen people come and go. I watched as people let the fear of their feelings stop them from telling that one person that they cared for the most, how they truly felt until it was too late. I won’t do that. I need you to know.”
She slowly closed her eyes, took a deep, shuddering breath and reached into him.
The warmth of his feelings poured into her. It was an avalanche of emotions that Collett felt in him. She sensed the strength behind his words, could feel the heartfelt sincerity of his love for her. She felt his nervous fear. He had been afraid to tell her, afraid of how she would feel for him. Most of all, he was afraid to lose her. She felt the pain and frustration of her not knowing recede, turning into relief now that he had told her. A heavy weight lifted from his chest.
Collett opened her eyes, and realized Cade still had not released her from his hypnotic gaze. He just gripped her hand tighter, afraid she would pull back. He was afraid she would hate him like Mary had.
And then, just as suddenly as the impressions came to her, they were shut off like a faucet. Someone turned the knob, and they were gone.
“Cade, I don’t…” she tried.
He shook his head stopping her, “You don’t have to say anything. I needed you to know, and I know you felt it. I could feel you with me the whole time. It was truly amazing.”
“You stopped me,” she whispered.
“You let me,” he whispered back, keeping her hand on his heart. He leaned in and kissed her tenderly. Laying his lips softly upon hers, lingering for a single, perfect moment. He pulled back, reluctantly, or so it seemed to her. “Goodnight Collett,” he whispered. He gently put her hand down and left the room, softly closing the door behind him.
Collett was frozen still. She couldn’t get her feet to move. She couldn’t get her foggy brain to process anything. So much love, she thought. She looked down at the hand he had held in his grasp. It was still warm from his touch. It felt as if she could still feel the beat of his heart against her palm, even though she no longer touched him.
Finally, after a time, Collett moved. She walked over and shut off the lamp, then eased herself into bed. She was no longer tired. Her thoughts raced. What now, she wondered. The man she was in love with had not only professed his love, he shared the unbridled power of his love with her, despite the fact that he was afraid she would hate him for it. She thought again of the name Mary. Who was Mary? And how could she possibly hate Cade?
As she lay in bed under a warm, soft comforter, she thought about how she had earlier resolved not to tell him her true feelings. All she could think now was…what am I going to do now?
Chapter Twenty-Four
The next day, Cade sat in the hidden security room with Nate going over a list of possible threats in the area. Suddenly, Cynda came bursting into the room with a sharp, mean glare that could have cut through glass, and it was aimed directly at Cade.
“What, did you do?” she snapped furiously.
Cade wasn’t entirely sure what she was upset about, so he opted not to answer her, taking the fifth. Instead, he simply waited, knowing Cynda would eventually tell him.
She narrowed her angry, green eyes at him, "What did you do to Collett?”
Her words grabbed his attention, “What’s wrong?” he asked, clearly worried.
Cynda scrutinized Cade’s quick reaction, and wondered if she hadn’t jumped the gun. Then reasoned once again it had to be something he did. “You tell me,” she answered him, this time trying to use a softer tone. She failed. Instead, it sounded snide.
Cade still looked confused so Cynda elaborated further, “Yesterday Collett was happy and smiling. I even caught her humming to herself. Then suddenly today she acts like she’s been run over by a bulldozer. She’s walking around here like a robot on autopilot. She hasn’t eaten a thing, and it looks like she didn’t sleep at all last night. I know you went to her room last night.”
Nate couldn’t help it, “Trouble in paradise, already?” he asked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.
Cade and Cynda both shot fierce and angry glares at him. “Shut up, Nate!” They said at the same time.
Nate defensively put his hands up and rolled his chair over to the computers, out of the line of fire. He feigned busyness at the computers, but he couldn’t help listening.
Cade looked back to Cynda, “How did you know that I was in her room?”
Cynda met his gaze with fire in her eyes, “It may be a big house Cade, but it’s not so big that I don’t know what goes on under my own roof.”
“How come you automatically assume it’s something I did?” Cade replied defensively.
&
nbsp; Now it was Cynda’s turn to remain silent. She rolled her eyes at him.
Cade conceded, “Okay, fine it might have been me. What do you want me to say Cynda?”
“I want you to fix it!”
Frustrated, Cade let out a weighted breath. His voice quieted, “I don’t think I can.”
Cynda brought her hands up to her hips and asked sharply, “What did you do? What did you say that upset her so badly?”
Rederrick came into the room and asked politely, “Hey, does anyone know what’s wrong with Collett? I saw her in the kitchen, and she looks like a walking zombie.” Rederrick had no idea he had rubbed salt into a festering wound.
A frustrated Cade pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger and huffed out another heavy breath. Cynda sharpened her cutting glare even more, and lifted her hand gesturing in Rederrick’s direction as if he proved her point precisely.
Rederrick looked from Cynda’s furious expression and back to Cade. “Did I miss something here?” he questioned cautiously.
“No you haven’t missed anything! We’re still waiting on Cade to enlighten us. Go ahead Cade, enlighten us.” Cynda snipped.
Cade stared back at her now, but he knew Cynda wouldn’t back down. When it came to people she cared about, Cynda could give a hungry dog, clutching its only bone, a run for its money. No, he knew she would hang on to this particular bone, chewing and biting until he cracked under the pressure.
“I told her I love her! Satisfied?” he admitted, giving in. “That’s what I did. I told Collet I love her.”
Nate and Cynda just stared at him with open mouths, and shocked expressions. Even though they had all begun to suspect as much, to have Cade actually say the words was so out of character for him. Rederrick smiled.
Cade threw up his hands in exasperation, “So you see, Cynda, I can’t fix it. You can’t either. Collett will either come to terms with it, or she won’t, but I can’t, no… I won’t take it back!
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go for a run. Nate, take my place training Collett this afternoon, obviously she needs a little space from me right now.” Then he stormed right past Cynda and Rederrick, leaving the room.
Nate looked right at Rederrick, “I guess that answers that.”
“I guess so. No question about it now.” Rederrick muttered. Both men could no longer contain their grins as they considered what had happened.
Cynda noticed their smug, satisfied looks, and because she was still worried about Collett and now Cade as well, she snapped, “Oh, what do you two idiots know?” She spun on her heel following Cade’s lead, by storming from the room as well.
After Cynda left, Rederrick took a step forward and held out his hand, rubbing his fingers together. Nate stood and with slight disappointment, removed a hundred-dollar bill from his wallet, handing it over to Rederrick.
With a smug and satisfied smile still on his face, Rederrick tucked the bill carefully into his money-clip. Nate watched as Rederrick put the clip away, then his smile returned. Arching one brow he asked, “Double or nothing?”
Rederrick’s grin spread wider, revealing his laugh lines and dimples, as he replied mockingly, “You know, Nate, gambling is a bad habit. I feel it is my duty, as your friend and mentor, to break you of this terrible habit by helping you lose as much of your money as I can. Purely in the interest of teaching you alesson, of course,” then he asked deviously, “So, tell me. What exactly did you have in mind?”
****
When Cade finally arrived back at the house, he had gone from mildly irritated to steaming mad. He had tried to run off his frustration, tried to push his body to its ultimate endurance, but it was no use. He couldn’t reach his physical limits when he had to stay so close to the house. Besides it wouldn’t help, and deep down he knew it. In his heart, he wanted Collett to accept him right away.
This really made Cade mad at himself more than anybody. Mad that he had confessed his feelings to Collett so readily and subconsciously expected her to reciprocate. He hadn’t meant to tell her yet, but seeing Collett standing there before him looking so perfect and real… he simply hadn’t been able to it hold back any longer.
He’d meant it when he told her about the many people he’d known missing their chance. He wanted to wait, but he wasn’t willing to take that risk. So now, he would just have to live with the consequences of his choice.
Cade bounded up the stairs and went to his room to shower and change, but when he opened the door, surprise rippled through him. Stunned, he stood in the entrance a moment. Collett sat on the edge of his bed with her back straight and her hands neatly folded in her lap. Her legs were tucked back and crossed at the ankles, and her blue eyes gave him a cool, controlled look. And damn if it didn’t make her look pretty, sitting there all prim and proper. He was beginning to wonder if Collett would ever look anything less than perfect to him.
She cleared her throat and softly said, “Hello.”
Cade stepped forward and shut the door. His anger was still close to the surface so when he asked, “What are you doing in here?” the words came out too sharply, even to him.
“We need to talk, and since you’re avoiding me, I thought I would pin you down.”
“So talk.”
Refusing to let his bad mood goad her, Collett stood and pulled down on the hem of her cream sweater, straightening it out. “I can see this is a bad time,” she said coolly. “You can come find me when you’re ready.”
She tried to pass him to get to the door. Cade stepped into her path, “No, you came here to talk, so talk.”
“Cade it’s obvious you’re not in the mood. I’ll come back later,” she replied with a condescending bite to her voice.
“Fine. Have it your way,” he stepped out of her path to let her leave, but feelings of rejection were evident in his tone.
Taking a step to the door she stopped. She straightened her shoulders and turned around sharply and her temper snapped. Collett laid it out for him, “You know, you really have no right to be mad at me. If you want to be angry, fine! Be angry, but don’t be angry with me!”
If only she could see into my mind now, Cade thought. Hadn’t he already decided that he was just mad at himself, but for some reason all that came out of his mouth was the clipped remark, “Is that what you came to tell me?”
“As a matter a fact, it’s not. How dare you expect me to act normal! How dare you think I should act like nothing happened, when only last night you drop the emotional equivalent of a bomb right in my lap, then walked away before it goes off. What exactly do you want from me, Cade? Did you think I would be able to act like it didn’t happen? Did you want me to fall into your arms and confess how much you mean to me? Telling you how much I love you won’t change a thing! It won’t suddenly make everything better, so we can live happily ever after.” Her last words trailed off quietly, and her shoulders slumped.
Cade blinked at her, and stepped closer to her. With astonishment in his eyes he questioned, “Say that again?”
Knowing what he wanted, and not ready to repeat it with his intent gaze staring right at her, Collett instead asked, “Say what, that it won’t change anything.”
Cade shook his head, “No. Not that.”
Collett averted her eyes from the intensity of his gaze by looking off to the side at the painting on the wall. “I can’t,” she whispered desperately.
Cade prayed for patience and tried very hard to put it to good use. “Why? Why can‘t you say it?”
“Because then it’s real, then it will only hurt more,” she responded.
“If you don’t say it, it won’t make it any less real. I’ve fallen in love you, Collett. I can’t change that. I don’t want to change it. Please tell me I’m not a fool for doing so. Please! Say it again,” he begged.
Collett turned her head back to him, and lifted her face up to meet his eyes, “You are a fool Cade!” she insisted wholeheartedly, “You fell in love with a woman with n
o memory of her past. You fell in love with a woman, who for some unknown reason several people seem to want dead. Most of all you fell in love with a mortal woman, who loves you so much it hurts. It hurts me right here.” She put her hand on her chest, and her voice cracked.
Quickly, before she could take it back, for Cade saw the doubt in her iridescent eyes, he gathered her tightly to him. He could hardly believe this was really happening. “I may be a fool, but I would rather be a fool then have another minute without you.”
She pulled away from him and pleaded, “Don’t you see that’s the problem? This won’t work. I do love you Cade. I love you enough to know that this can’t be. The longer I’m with you the more I want, and Cade, I want a lot, but I won’t live forever like you. What happens when I grow old only to wither away and die? I don’t want that for you.”
Cade could see what she was trying to tell him, and a familiar bitterness came to him. His body stiffened. “So, you don’t love me enough to be with me because… because, I’ll live longer than you will, because I won’t be able to grow old, because, you want a normal life. Is that it? Never mind, it hardly matters.” he finished dejectedly.
“NO! That’s not…”
“I understand you love me, just not enough. It’s fine. Now if you’ll excuse, me I need a shower.”
Suddenly, Collett understood the name Mary, from last night. Mary must have not understood Cade or accepted him for what he was. She couldn’t let him walk away believing this about her. How could he think her so shallow? She wondered.
“Cade stop!”
He did, but he didn’t turn around to look at her. The muscles in his back were bunched, whether out of frustration or anger, Collett couldn’t tell for sure.
He couldn’t turn to look at her. Cade felt like he was on the edge of a very steep precipice and at any moment he would lose his balance.
“Cade, please, you don’t understand. You didn’t hear me right. I love you too much. I’m not worried about you not growing old, and I don’t really care about having a normal life, who decides what’s normal anyway? My life is certainly not normal. It’s nothing like that.”