by Robb Hiller
Yet another example involved Dave, a major account leader at a publicly held company. I was invited to help after members of Dave’s team and other managers at the firm complained about his communication methods, including his abrupt leadership style. I interviewed several colleagues about Dave’s leadership, relationship, and communication skills. He and I then reviewed the results and made a series of goals for him that included developing a more empathetic approach to coworkers and leading more by influence than by making demands.
I had Dave select six work colleagues to give him supportive, honest, and timely feedback on his progress over the next four months. They started regularly stopping Dave after meetings or poking their heads in his office door to offer quick comments. That feedback gave Dave the encouragement and direction he needed. His communication skills improved rapidly, his team was much happier, and the company’s CEO saw a real turnaround. At the end of the year, Dave was promoted to one of the company’s key director roles. This time, I marveled at the amazing difference inviting advocates could make by simply offering supportive guidance.
As the years passed, I saw these kinds of dramatic results again and again.
Something magical happened when people asked solution-oriented questions, discovered and activated their natural talents, and invited the people who knew them best to make a difference in their lives. This was the Power of 3 at work.
The Power of 3
The real test of everything I’d learned, however, arrived with my cancer diagnosis. When the initial scan pointed to cancer, I indulged in a few hours of gloom and doom. The news was overwhelming. I shed some quiet tears as I began thinking through the possibility of dying, leaving Pam and the kids, and not getting to accomplish some dreams I still had. I soon understood I needed help meeting this challenge, and over time, my confidence grew. I can do this, I told myself. With God and people on my side, I can beat this cancer. Because I am a man of faith, the obvious steps were to turn to God, Pam, friends, and a host of medical personnel with lifesaving knowledge when I needed problem-solving, engagement, and encouragement.
The more I pondered all this, the more I understood that the strategies I’d used for two decades to help people turn around their businesses or personal lives were making all the difference for me.
Suddenly, as the saying goes, the shoe was on the other foot. It was my turn to apply the principles I’d passed on to others.
If I was going to overcome this deadly enemy of cancer and beat this adversity, it would take far more than luck and good medicine, as two of the cancers had no cure. No, the combination of these three action principles I had been using with my clients were the key to my needed miracle. The strength of the triangle is founded on the truths I call the “Power of 3”:
Ask the right questions.
Activate my God-given gifts.
Invite advocates into my life.
Within hours of my diagnosis, I began putting the principles that had been effective in my consulting work into practice. They shifted my perspective from overwhelmed to overcoming.
First, I needed to ask the right questions. I realized I needed to stop wondering, Why me? and instead ask, What can I do right now that would be a positive step? On occasion, that big Why? question crept back into my mind, like when I was flat in bed, immobilized by the nausea that can accompany chemotherapy. Or when my whole body ached from the cancer deep within my bones. Or when I was completely fatigued by the disease and drugs doing battle inside me. I found frequent reason to keep replacing unproductive questions with helpful ones.
Second, I needed to activate my God-given gifts. I knew that to beat an enemy as formidable as cancer, I would need to tap into my unique gifts. Who am I? I thought. What personal strengths can I bring to this challenge? I decided my natural optimism would be an important tool for generating positive self-talk and avoiding a downward spiral. I also knew I could make use of my competitive spirit, setting a goal of being healthy enough to attend my son’s wedding.
Third, I needed to invite advocates into my life. I knew my own strength wouldn’t be enough, and I needed other people if I was going to survive. I invited faith, family, and friends to come alongside me. In particular, I leaned on Pam as my rock. When she began researching lymphoma online, I allowed myself to feel encouraged as she learned more about what we were facing and how to combat it. And I made plans to relate my news to friends to enlist their support.
I also understood that this challenge would demand greater help than even my wife and others could give. I got on my knees and prayed, Lord, help me. I feel totally humbled. I can’t do this without you. Take me into your arms and show me how to get through this. Talking to God renewed my sense of strength and peace.
Even as I absorbed the news of a horrific diagnosis, I realized I was uniquely positioned to get out of the ditch. I had knowledge and tools to get back on the highway.
It felt like a revelation to see how each of these three principles worked in business and in my life. Equally eye-opening was how the combination of this triangle of points working together had such an impact on me and so many others.
Strength in Triangles
Picture a triangle, each of the three points equally vital to the whole and each connected to and strengthened by the others. It’s no coincidence that the triangle is known as the strongest and most stable geometric shape. Engineers have long relied on the triangle in designing structures of every kind. The ancient pyramids, which have stood for thousands of years, were based on the shape of a triangle. The reason is simple: any added force is evenly distributed among each of the three sides.
Triangles make it possible for bridges to bear tremendous amounts of weight and safely transport us across water, a canyon, or a ravine. The three points of a triangle, strengthened by their connecting sides, work together to resist the otherwise devastating effects of earthquakes, wind, and floods. Triangular floor joists hold our houses together, and triangular trusses form a secure roof over our heads. Triangles are vital to our lives because they give us strength and shelter when we need it. The crazy thing is we don’t usually see the importance of triangles, as they are somewhat out of sight—even though they can support our burdens when we experience challenges or problems.
This foundational power of three independent-yet-connected elements extends beyond the physical world. The Bible shows the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit connected in a supremely powerful holy alliance. And the number three is said to represent perfection or completion and figures prominently throughout Scripture.
The amazing connection and strength we find in the physical and spiritual realms is also reflected in the Power of 3 triangle. It can be summarized in three words: ask, activate, and advocate.
This was my long and winding path of discovering, testing, and living out the Power of 3 in every part of life.
My Promise to You
Wherever you are and whatever you face right now, the Power of 3 promises to provide clarity for decision making and confidence in the face of crisis. It’s a unique, individualized, and comprehensive method for getting unstuck. It quickly pinpoints the areas holding you back and shows you the steps to take to move forward. It can transform the way you approach life.
This book provides a step-by-step guide to this practical and proven method that will help anyone, at any time, navigate the many trials of life.
In the chapters that follow, I’ll explain more about how you can put the Power of 3 to work in your life. Whether you’re battling illness, developing your career, or navigating difficulties large or small, you’ll get all the what and how you need to know. You’ll gain an understanding of each part of the Power of 3 as well as important practical “power points” to help you quickly apply what you learn.
When you employ all three points of the Power of 3—ask, activate, and advocate—they reinforce each other, increasing their effect exponentially and moving you from overwhelmed to overcoming. In the end, as you live in the t
riangle, hope will light your path to success in every way. You’ll know you can confidently face tomorrow, whatever it brings!
Practicing the Power of 3
At the end of each chapter of The Power of 3, I’ll ask you a few questions to stir your thoughts or provide a short summary for easy reflection and focus. Find a place to write your answers where you won’t lose track of what you’re thinking and feeling along the way.
What trial are you going through today? Or what difficulties is a loved one facing?
What circumstance have you encountered that caused you to lose hope? How did you move forward? In what ways does that situation still make you feel stuck?
If you could wave a wand and make some part of your life better, what would it be? What does that new life look like?
Who can come along on this Power of 3 journey with you, so you can talk about it and encourage each other?
Free assessment: To see where you rank in the Power of 3 and how these principles might help you grow, I invite you to visit my website at RobbHiller.com to take the online assessment.
CHAPTER 2Change Your Perspective: Ask the Right Questions
Keep your face always toward the sunshine—and shadows will fall behind you.
WALT WHITMAN
I LOVE CHRISTMAS—every moment of it. Putting up lights. Decorating the tree. Eating cookies and lefse (a soft Norwegian potato flatbread rolled up with butter and sugar). Surprising my wife with a present. Sitting down with my family to a steaming, delicious turkey dinner. All of it delights me and makes Christmas my favorite time of the year. My daughter, Katie, enjoys Christmas too. Her love for the season began when she was a little girl, rushing to her stocking full of goodies on Christmas morning and picking up the wrapping paper after presents were hurriedly opened.
This last holiday season, however, wasn’t so great for Katie, now a wife and mother of three active young boys. On Christmas Eve, my daughter stood in a church parking lot, her hands balled into fists. Though the weather was chilly, Katie was hot, dealing with multiple frustrations. For two years, she had suffered chronic pain in her left foot, and her insurance company had recently declined to cover surgery to fix the problem. Moreover, she was exhausted from spending all day preparing dinner for her and her husband’s families. And her middle son, five-year-old Elliot, was still heartbroken after viewing the demise of a giraffe on a TV show earlier in the day.
Elliot was visibly upset throughout the church service the family had just attended. Now, as Katie and the rest of her family tried to hurry into their van and beat the crowd out of the parking lot, Elliot was melting down, flailing his body and refusing to get into his car seat.
I could see anger bubbling in Katie’s head like hot water in a steaming kettle. Why can’t I just enjoy Christmas with my family? Why is my child making my life miserable? The drive home was indeed miserable as Elliot whined and cried. Finally, Katie’s frustration boiled over. She turned around, leaned over the seat, and shouted at Elliot, “Enough! I’m done with you! When we get home, you’re going straight to your room with no dinner. I’ll not have you at the table ruining Christmas for everyone!”
Back at the house, Katie’s husband joined Elliot in his room and calmed him down. Just before the meal—thanks to a little encouragement from his dad—Elliot apologized to Katie. She accepted the apology and allowed Elliot to join the family for dinner, but her anger remained. She knew she needed to forgive Elliot, but she couldn’t find a way past her frustration with the entire situation, including herself. Why can’t I be the calm, forgiving mom I want to be? What’s wrong with me? How do I get past this and let go of my anger? Katie was overcome by exasperation, guilt, and helplessness.
If you’re a parent, you know just how Katie felt. Kids and other pressures repeatedly combine to test even the most loving and patient among us. They set off a physiological response and stir up our emotions, which often leads to a flurry of negative questions we ask others or ourselves. Unfortunately, these kinds of questions do little to help the situation and often make it worse. They warp our perspective, making us feel so bad about ourselves and our circumstances that we can’t see a solution.
The good news is that we can change our perspective. We can cut off that physical and emotional response before it kicks in.
If we learn how to redirect our thinking in the first moments of challenge and crisis, we open ourselves to fresh insights and potential solutions we otherwise wouldn’t have noticed. We can shift from a negative, closed-minded approach to a positive, open-minded viewpoint. And it has everything to do with the questions we ask.
Mad Dogs with Sharp Teeth
A stressful situation can trigger a cascade of hormones that produce dramatic physiological changes—the fight-or-flight response. That stressful situation can be environmental (like a vicious pit bull blocking your path) or psychological (such as persistent worry about losing your job). When that pit bull bares his teeth, your eyes and ears send a signal to the amygdala, the part of your brain that processes emotions. The amygdala takes over if it senses danger, hijacking your brain function.
If the amygdala perceives a threat—and a mad dog with sharp teeth definitely qualifies as a threat—it sends out a distress signal to the rest of the brain, triggering a host of reactions that prepare the body to act.
Allowing the emotional region of your brain to take over is a good thing if you’re being confronted by an angry dog. It’s not so good, however, if you’re overreacting to a situation that calls instead for reason and analysis. If you’re in a meeting and your boss remarks that your last report was late, your amygdala may perceive a threat—your job could be in jeopardy. But neither a fistfight with your boss nor your running out of the room are great career moves.
Many of us are even more prone to amygdala overreaction because of the destructive thoughts already running through our heads. Each of us has a set of messages, a mental running commentary, that plays repeatedly in our minds.
Too often the pattern of self-talk we’ve developed is negative. We remember the negative things we were told as children by our parents, siblings, or teachers (“You’ll never amount to anything.”) and the negative reactions from other children that diminished how we felt about ourselves (“We don’t want you on our team.”). Through the years, these messages have played over and over in our minds, fueling feelings of anger, fear, guilt, and hopelessness.
When we confront a difficult situation—a boss who gives us too little time to finish a project, a spouse who’s not listening to our needs and wants, or even frustration over the monotony of our daily routine—those negative messages often surface. Without realizing it, we ask ourselves questions that set us up for a fight-or-flight stress response: Why is he so unreasonable and thinks only about himself? Why doesn’t she respect me enough to talk to me first? Why don’t I appreciate the life I have?
Once we begin to adopt that familiar pattern, even a relatively mild provocation—such as an upset five-year-old who won’t get into his car seat—is likely to trigger an amygdala hijacking.
Today’s medical experts recommend a variety of methods to help reduce the stress that arises from fight-or-flight responses and negative self-talk. These include regular exercise and relaxation techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, and yoga. These methods can be helpful. But they don’t go far enough. You need an approach that not only reduces your stress during challenging situations but also solves the problem confronting you—and quickly.
What if you could adopt a different perspective? What if you could change your response to any challenge or difficult circumstance from the start? In other words, what if you could hijack the hijacker?
The Power of Asking the Right Questions
At the age of twenty-five, I was hired by Xerox, the country’s dominant print and copy company, to join its sales team. My career began with six weeks of training in the Xerox branch location in the Twin Cities. They called our boot camp “Xeroid School
” because it was Xerox on steroids. We learned all about xerography, products, speeds, paper types, and applications. At the end of six weeks, our manager assigned us to a small geographic area and gave us a test. Our task was to visit every business in our area and “sell them a Xerox copier.”
I was confident as I set out to change the world, one copier at a time. I had studied hard and understood the Xerox line well. I was all pumped up with facts and figures, and I thought people would be eager to hear about all the amazing things my products could do. Boy, was I wrong. On one of my first calls, I introduced myself to the owner of a small business and quickly launched into my sales pitch: “This little Xerox 660 will take your original and make a plain paper copy that will look just like the original. You won’t have to use that smelly paper from your other machine and see it fade over time.” I offered my most winning smile and waited for the owner to ask for a contract.
Instead, he gave me a puzzled look and said, “How much is it?” When I told him the price of the machine and the supply costs, the man folded his arms. “No,” he said, “I don’t need to spend that much. Copies aren’t that important to me. Thanks. Good day.”
By that evening, I’d made twenty cold calls and had met nearly the same result each time. After a full day of failure, I was frustrated and dejected. We’ve got a great product that does great things, I thought. Why isn’t this working?