by Robb Hiller
Then Xerox flew me and my in-training colleagues to Leesburg, Virginia, where we were taught the heart of the company’s sales philosophy. It wasn’t about describing the benefits of Xerox copy machines at all—at least, not at first. Instead, our job was to first find out what the customer needed. If we had a product that matched what a customer was looking for, great. Now we had something to talk about. But instead of basing our approach on the idea of talking and selling, we were instead taught to ask questions and listen.
It made sense. I’d seen this as a kid when the Schwan’s frozen food man visited our home. When he arrived, he didn’t launch into a sales pitch to tell us about the newest dinners or desserts. Instead, he’d smile at my mom and ask, “What are your kids eating these days?” By asking a question, he learned right away whether there was a natural fit with his products.
I’d observed my mom use this method as well. At work, my dad was a leader—a director. His style was to tell us what to do. But Mom’s approach was different. She asked questions. She might say, “Robb, what are you going to do for music this year?” If I said I was interested in guitar, she would ask, “What do you like about the guitar? How do you feel about the idea of taking guitar lessons?” In so many ways, Mom’s approach seemed more effective. She gathered information that helped lead to informed decisions.
Perhaps even better, by asking and then listening to the answers, she communicated a sense of value and trust to the person she was talking with. It was a way to build relationships.
As I thought about all this during my Xerox training, I realized we were doing more than learning about a method for earning high sales marks. This was an approach for succeeding in life.
After my sales training, I returned to Minnesota feeling wiser, my confidence renewed.
I called on a man named Dick Wick, the new president of Burgess-Beckwith Publishing. Before, I might have found Dick intimidating—he was a big guy, six foot four, with a blond goatee. But now I had a method that was likely not only to make a sale but also to make a friend.
After introducing myself and settling into a plush leather chair in his office, I asked, “Dick, what are your hopes for this next year for your business?” He outlined several goals. A couple of minutes later, I followed up on Dick’s answer. “What obstacles could keep you from getting there? How important are those issues? What are the implications if you don’t make the right changes?”
I’d been in Dick’s office for fifteen minutes and we hadn’t talked about copiers at all, but I did have a good idea of what Dick wanted to accomplish in his business and how our products might help. My genuine interest in his company goals also helped form an initial layer of trust. When I shared how our new Xerox 9500 duplicating system would fix his production problems and actually save him money, he ordered one for immediate delivery. Dick became a long-term customer and a guy I enjoyed calling on.
Questions are powerful. They help gather information, lead to new insights, establish connections, and shift viewpoints.
What I’ve since discovered, however—in my sales career, in my time as an entrepreneur and CEO, in working with clients as a business consultant for more than twenty years, and in my personal life—is this:
To fully shift both our personal perspective and that of the people around us in a positive direction, we must ask the right questions.
Hijacking the Hijacker
The day my doctor called and told me I had a large mass in my abdomen, I was stunned. I had a second cancer. I would soon learn I had a third. Not surprisingly, my initial response to this dreadful news was disbelief mixed with a generous portion of “Why me?” I can’t believe it, I thought. What are the odds of me getting another cancer? Why is this happening to me? It isn’t fair!
A year earlier, I had watched my friend Mark’s twenty-four-year-old daughter cry in her seat in the front row of a church. Kayla should have been one of the happiest people on the planet. She was getting married in just a few months. But she would do so without a father to walk her down the aisle. Mark had succumbed to lymphoma less than two months after the initial diagnosis, and this was his funeral. My heart was so heavy for her, her mom, and all their family.
At that moment, however, I wondered just how bad was my lymphoma? Was I headed down the same road as Mark? Would I live long enough to see my son get married in September? Would my wife still have a husband at the end of the year? As I contemplated a suddenly uncertain future, tears filled my eyes. My heart cried out, Why, God, why?
When I saw that death was not far away and felt the reality that I soon might not be here, I was devastated. Facing the sorrow of having to say goodbye to loved ones here on earth changes you. I knew that I’d be in heaven if I was called home, but I felt deep down that there was so much more life ahead.
My reaction to the doctor’s call was understandable, even expected and normal. My amygdala perceived a threat—the possible end of my life—and did what it does naturally, hijacking my thoughts with questions that stirred up my emotions and raised my stress level.
But I had another option before me. I might have remembered that some questions put us on the path toward success and resolution, while others stop us in our tracks or, worse, do us great harm. Chief among the most potentially damaging questions are those that start with the little word why.
Why questions often come loaded with assumptions that might or might not be true. For instance, if a work colleague walks by in the morning without saying hello, you might assume it’s because of something you did or said. You may think, Why doesn’t she like me? and be in a funk and ignore your coworker for the entire day. Yet it’s possible that your colleague was simply distracted when you first encountered her.
Why questions may subconsciously place us in the role of the victim. Why is he against me? Why do these things keep happening to me? When we allow ourselves to adopt this mindset, we’re not actually seeking answers. Instead, we’re trying to cope without engaging the problem at hand.
Why questions often come across as accusatory, even to ourselves. When Katie asked herself, Why can’t I be the calm, forgiving mom I want to be? What is wrong with me? she set herself up to be frustrated and dissatisfied with herself. All of the questions above fit easily into the category of negative self-talk.
Even though I knew all this on the day I first learned of my lymphoma diagnosis, my amygdala had its moment. But it didn’t last long. By that evening, I realized I needed a different approach. If I wanted to beat this cancer, if I wanted to shift my perspective from overwhelmed to overcoming, I needed to ask myself a different set of questions.
Questions that begin with why, as in “Why me?” don’t get us anywhere. But queries that rely on the power of what and how can change everything.
What’s the difference? I’d learned back in my Xerox sales training that what and how questions are practical and solution-oriented. They avoid the rabbit trail that why can lead us on, instead taking us where we want to go—a resolution to our problem. What and how questions allow us to hijack the hijacker. If you know you want to bake a cake, you don’t waste time asking, “Why does it have to sit for thirty minutes in the oven?” Instead, you ask, “What are the ingredients?” and “How will I get what I don’t have?” These are questions that move you forward and soon lead to a delicious dessert.[1]
In the case of my lymphoma diagnosis, I understood that I wasn’t going to get an answer to Why is this happening to me? Even if I did, it wouldn’t help me. What I wanted was an approach that would provide the best possible chance of survival while keeping me emotionally stable and hopeful. I needed to ask questions, but not just any questions. The right questions begin with what and how . . . but there is far more to the equation.
Discovery, Innovative, and Proactive Questions
One of the great benefits of the Power of 3 as an approach to resolving problems, making better decisions, and getting unstuck is that it works when you’re facing a mundane challenge, a
life-threatening crisis, or anything in between. Each point on the triangle—asking the right questions, activating our God-given gifts, and inviting advocates into our lives—connects to and reinforces the others. But asking the right questions is always a great place to start.
Asking the right questions helps us retake control of undesired emotions. It also quickly clarifies where we need to go.
So how do you know the right questions to ask? The most useful right questions fall into three types: discovery, innovative, and proactive (DIP). The next time you’re feeling intimidated by an important decision or crisis, you can DIP into your positive-response toolbox and rely on this checklist.
Many people instinctively understand the value of employing one or two of these question categories but fail to combine all three. If you want to ensure your best chance of success, however, make sure you explore them all. You may find it helpful to go in the order suggested here, but what’s most important is integrating the questions and their answers. Like the Power of 3 itself, each of the DIP question types connects to and builds on the others.
Discovery Questions
Since emotions can so easily take us off course, discovery questions bring clarity to a challenge or crisis by helping us focus on the facts. Asking, “What is the core problem here?” helps immediately identify the primary issue. The question “What skills and resources do I possess that might be useful?” points toward a solution. Similarly, the questions “What will the impact be if I solve this problem? What will it be if I don’t?” quickly demonstrate the significance of the issue and how much energy it deserves.
Almost as important, beginning a question with what frames our attitude—it means we’re ready to learn and grow. In his book Ignorance: How It Drives Science, Stuart Firestein says that scientists’ ability to embrace their ignorance is one of the keys to making new discoveries: “One good question can give rise to several layers of answers, can inspire decades-long searches for solutions, can generate whole new fields of inquiry, and can prompt changes in entrenched thinking.”[2] Questions such as What have I learned from what’s going on so far? and What else should I consider before making any conclusions? can lead to new, vital information that will help you solve your challenge or crisis.
Innovative Questions
Another reason we get stuck when facing a challenge is that we’re too close to the matter. Chances are good that we could find a solution to our problem if only we could see it. Innovative questions, often starting with what if, enable us to see better. It’s what inspired Walt Disney to ask himself, What if this amusement park could be like a movie brought to life? The key to innovation is changing the angle of your perception. If a dilemma has you stumped, try going for a walk. Move your body and let your imagination run with creative questions. Ask yourself, How might I do things differently than I’ve done them before to get a better result? What if I actually tried what everyone says won’t work?
Proactive Questions
Feeling confused or overwhelmed paralyzes us. Sometimes even the tiniest step is enough to get us moving forward again. Proactive questions are solution-oriented and designed to generate momentum. If you’ve been unemployed for months, don’t ask yourself, Why can’t I get a job? Even if your brain comes up with an answer, it tends to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, ask yourself questions that focus on turning things around: What would I have to do to get a job in the next thirty days? or How can I make up for my lack of experience? No matter what your dilemma is, a surefire starter question that will point you toward a solution is this one: What one thing can I do right now to improve the situation?
Working Together
On the day I received my lymphoma diagnosis, after realizing that everything depended on asking the right questions, I sat alone in my office and decided on a proactive response. I asked myself, What one thing can I do right now to make things even a little bit better? I looked out my window over the beautiful woods and wetlands outside. On my desk sat a pair of small polished stones I’d purchased years before. On one, emerald in color and slightly larger than the other, was inscribed the word Faith. On the other, a whitish river rock, was printed the word Hope.
I suddenly realized how desperately I needed both faith and hope. The answer to my question—the one thing I had to do at that moment—was to pray. “God,” I said, my eyes filling with tears, “I don’t understand the ‘why’ at this point, but I know you are faithful, and you are in control. I’m overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. Please guide me right now. Bring encouragement to my heart and healing to this body. In faith I ask this. Amen.” As soon as I finished, I felt a sense of peace that hadn’t been there before.
My wife had been just as shaken as I was when I told her the news about my cancer. Both of us had cried a little. But now I was shifting my approach.
No more Why me? It was time to ask more right questions.
I’d already been proactive. Now I thought of discovery queries: What are the most recent advances in non-Hodgkin lymphoma research? What are the most common treatments today, and what are their success rates? Pam got online and started finding answers. The more we learned, the more encouraged I felt.
Pam and I certainly didn’t solve my lymphoma crisis that first night.
We knew we had a long journey ahead of us. But I’d started to view my situation through a different lens. I felt I could beat this cancer. Asking the right questions had given me hope instead of leaving me feeling helpless.
My challenge was cancer. You have your own trials. It’s inevitable that you’ll come across trouble in your life—maybe several times a day! But you don’t have to live in a state of constant stress. By employing the first point in the Power of 3 triangle—asking the right questions—you can take better control of your emotions, turn back an amygdala takeover, focus on the next step, and put yourself in position to find solutions to whatever obstacle blocks your way. It’s a path toward reducing stress and gaining peace. And that’s only the beginning.
Practicing the Power of 3
In the next chapter, we’ll break down how asking the right questions (discovery, innovative, and proactive) can change your perspective and quickly guide you toward the solutions you need. You’ll see how these vital tools will help you become known as a thoughtful leader and coach and as a curious person who is empathetic and understanding. This is a key first step in being influential, which all salespeople, parents, and leaders must be to be effective. Let’s practice right now. Write down your answers to the following questions.
What challenge or stressful circumstance are you facing today?
Discovery: What is the core problem? What resources do you already have to help you solve it? What resources could you potentially acquire to add to your list?
Innovative: How could you approach this problem from a different angle? What are the first ideas that come to your mind, no matter how crazy they sound? What if you . . . ? (Fill in the blank.)
Proactive: Considering everything you’ve just learned through discovery and innovative questions, what three steps might move you toward a solution? What can you do now to make these steps a reality?
[1] I should note that why questions can be helpful in a creative brainstorming session where the goal is to come up with options. However, in most everyday circumstances, why takes us down paths that lead to a dead end.
[2] Stuart Firestein, Ignorance: How It Drives Science (New York: Oxford University Press, 2012), 11.
CHAPTER 3DIP into Your Toolbox: Change the Game
Those who keep speaking about the sun while walking under a cloudy sky are messengers of hope, the true saints of our day.
HENRI J. M. NOUWEN
THE POWER OF 3 INVITES us to confidently face any challenge or decision by first asking the right questions. When we confront a significant obstacle, our natural first response is often to ask self-focused questions of ourselves or others. A software engineer thinks, I earn a decent salary. Why do
I have so much trouble making ends meet? A parent whose daughter comes home with a speeding ticket asks, “Why were you driving so fast?” It feels logical to seek the causes or motivations behind an issue. But starting with why usually isn’t helpful and often is harmful. The answers we generate may be abstract and inaccurate. When others are involved, why comes across as an accusation, triggering a stress response and increasing the odds of a less-than-truthful answer.
Why focuses on the past and the problem rather than the future and the solution. Open-ended queries that start with what, how, when, and where are more likely to encourage thoughtful, even creative, responses.
Like driving instructions or a recipe, open-ended questions move us to actions that immediately shift our focus toward where we want to be and what we want to accomplish. By the way, when we ask the right questions, we often answer our concerns about why and motivations along the way. And by centering our attention on open-ended questions and concrete actions, we generate momentum toward positive, attainable solutions. The results make us feel energized, inspired, and empowered.
Tools to Ask the Right Questions
Admittedly, it’s difficult to avoid asking why. For most of us, it’s our default! But as we catch ourselves about to ask why questions, we can choose a more positive response. We can DIP into a toolbox of right, useful questions:
Discovery questions
Innovative questions
Proactive questions
This chapter will guide you in learning when and how to use DIP questions to address any situation and overcome whatever adversity you are facing. At the end of the chapter, a summary chart will help you apply these questions to your situation.