by Robb Hiller
The next proactive question came on the way home when Pam was driving. I began to feel nauseated, as my body didn’t like what had been put into it. (Whose would?) As we went down the road, I simply responded to my own question of What can I do right now? I closed my eyes and began recalling the places and people that make me feel good. I did this for at least thirty minutes and apparently fell asleep. I woke up when we were almost to our home, and I felt a little bit better. I’d made it back home without getting sick in the car.
Here is a key point: when we face adversity, we seldom know what is going to happen next and what the outcome will be. We need to constantly remind ourselves to ask proactive questions because that action itself will most likely lead to a better outcome. That is why I wake up every day and say, “This is a great day that God has made. It is great to be alive. What can I do to make the most of it?”
PRACTICE PROACTIVE QUESTIONS
When you need to break free into a better place, ask yourself these simple questions:
What can I do right now with my challenge?
What are other options to consider?
What impact might this action have on helping me gain a sense of balance in my life?
Putting It Together
It’s time for you to try putting these three types of questions together. Is there an area at work or at home that’s been gnawing at you? I usually suggest to my students and clients that they start with discovery questions. Work through the questions below in regard to the challenge you’re facing.
What discovery questions could I ask? What parts of my situation do I need more clarity or understanding about? What information might give me a better scope of my situation?
What innovative questions might I ask? What haven’t I tried that might lead to a valuable solution?
What proactive questions can I ask? What steps might help me move toward a solution? What actions can I take right now?
Sometimes it’s more effective to rearrange the order of these questions, and sometimes moving once through the cycle isn’t enough. The more complex the challenge, the more often the circle must continue as we go back to ask new discovery, innovative, and proactive questions on the journey toward solutions.
Your DIP Tool
Goal of Questions
How to Start
Discovery Questions
Gain clarity
Increase understanding
Stop confusion
Build trust
Ask questions that start with what or how.
Innovative Questions
Explore creative options for next step
Ask questions that start with what if, how, what, when, and where.
Ask questions that open possibilities.
Proactive Questions
Help you move ahead through thinking about actions
Reduce fear
Consider the outcomes you want
Ask questions that start with what.
Ask direct questions that focus on concrete next steps.
There’s More for All of Us When We Use DIP Questions
In review, the process of asking the right questions from your DIP toolbox is immensely useful when confronting an immediate challenge, but it also offers much more. It can be a guide for how to approach the rest of your life.
Many of us are so consumed with getting to the next event or meeting the next deadline that we lose our long-range perspective. Or we’re stuck in a drab routine that seems to stretch to the horizon. In either case, we’re likely missing out on the future God designed us for.
Part of the problem may be that we’re on a track that was decided for us. We’ve been influenced by the advice of family or friends or what we’ve read in a book or online. It may be time to slow down, step back, and ask some right questions: Am I doing what I want to do? Is this taking me in a direction I’m excited about? What else intrigues me? If you are a person of faith, you might ask God, Is this the path you have in mind for me? Author and consultant John Hagel suggests asking, “When I look back in five years, which of these options will make the better story?” As Hagel says, “No one ever regrets taking the path that leads to a better story.”[3]
Your story as a better parent, spouse, friend, coach, influencer, or leader begins by asking better questions. My clients share they find a real peace in doing so as they listen to the answers. You have heard the phrase, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” It is so true. When we ask the right questions, we can foster trust and make better decisions.
As you move to the next chapter, practice this simple method today and see the positive results that come from caring enough to ask great questions. Go for it!
Practicing the Power of 3
Let’s practice asking the right questions. Think of a situation you’re facing right now where asking the right questions would be helpful. Then fill out the chart on the next page with some questions that will help you toward a solution.
My Situation:
My DIP Tool
Goal of Question
My Questions
Discovery Questions
Gain clarity
Increase understanding
Stop confusion
Build trust
Innovative Questions
Explore creative options for next step
Proactive Questions
Help you move ahead through thinking about actions
Reduce fear
Consider the outcomes you want
[1] Warren Berger, A More Beautiful Question: The Power of Inquiry to Spark Breakthrough Ideas (New York: Bloomsbury USA, 2014), 206.
[2] Berger, 208.
[3] Warren Berger, The Book of Beautiful Questions: The Powerful Questions That Will Help You Decide, Create, Connect, and Lead (New York: Bloomsbury USA, 2018).
CHAPTER 4Step into Your Adventure: Activate Your God-Given Gifts
You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself.
JIM ROHN
WHEN OUR CIRCUMSTANCES become a struggle, self-doubt and fear usually appear. These “happy zappers” leave our confidence on life support. As we saw in the last chapter, asking the right questions points us upward rather than downward.
Your next step in the Power of 3 reminds me of my family’s first steps into a hotel we once stayed at. A greeter thrust open the oversize front door and welcomed us with a big smile. Then a sign in the lobby grabbed our attention: “Welcome to Your New Adventure.” Once settled in, we ventured out with expectation and excitement.
After you ask the right questions, the right next step depends on the type of support you need at the moment. If your child is struggling, you may want to activate, tapping into your ability of self-control as you talk to your son or daughter. Or you might seek an emotional uplift, calling upon an advocate to meet your crucial need to connect with your faith, your family, or a friend. Regardless of which step you take, living in the Power of 3 triangle will help make your situation an adventure so you aren’t saying to yourself, Why do I have to go through this?
As I sat alone at home the day after my first all-day chemo treatment, my own next step—just to make it through the day and week—was to fully activate the talents God has given me. The challenge I faced was daunting and life-threatening. I knew it was okay to be realistic about what I faced and to feel down and discouraged at times. But the first talent I grabbed hold of was optimism.
Turning on positivity feels so unnatural when we’re hurting. Why bother? Isn’t it unhealthy to stuff our feelings inside? My approach wasn’t to deny my feelings but to replace them with something better. In fact, I knew if I stayed in a depressed state, my illness and overall circumstances would only get worse.
In a moment, I’ll explain more about the new science that demonstrates why optimism is so incredibly helpful. The chemicals from your brain—serotonin, oxytocin, dopamine, and g
amma-aminobutyric acid—bring calm, peaceful, and positive feelings. It was the healthiest thing I could do to engage my optimistic nature and look for creative solutions to ease my immediate heartache!
Another natural trait I’ve displayed since I was a kid is an enjoyment of competition. I’ve always found fun in doing my best and seeing if I could win a race or beat par on a golf course. In my battle with cancer, I engaged my will to persevere and do what I could to beat this disease. I changed what I ate, for example, because nutrition was so important to the healing capacity of my body: more green vegetables, plant-based protein drinks, green tea, fish, and specific vitamins to help counteract the side effects of chemo. A lot had to change, and I accepted the challenge.
Those excruciating days I sat in the oncology treatment room, feeling the effects of multiple drugs injected into my system, weren’t my first choice for a great time. Again, by choosing activate in the Power of 3 triangle, I lived out what I had coached others to do successfully.
Activate gave me the inspiration, practical thoughts, and solutions to make it through the day.
Discovering Gifts
I first discovered the significance of natural gifts the summer before sixth grade. My dad was always looking for opportunities to teach my brothers and me the value of earning things in life, including money. One day we were at the store, and I saw a cool-looking toy truck I wanted. Dad simply replied in an upbeat voice that the way to get that truck would be to earn some money. I thought about it, and the next day I found an opportunity to do so. Without asking permission, I raided the family refrigerator and mixed as many cans of frozen lemonade as I could find into four pitchers of cold, sour satisfaction. I hauled my goods to the seventh hole at a nearby golf course and sold out in ninety minutes.
The summer heat still felt stifling later that evening when my dad came home from work. After rummaging in the fridge for something to drink, he bellowed, “What happened to all the lemonade?” Mom called back, “Just look in the freezer!” Dad hunted again and didn’t see a single can. I don’t know exactly why I came to mind, but he yelled for me to come down from my room. When he met me at the bottom of the steps, he asked, “Robby, where did all the lemonade go?”
“I sold it all,” I replied sheepishly. “It was so hot, and I thought the golfers would love a cold glass of lemonade. They did!”
Dad agreed that was a pretty good idea, and I remember to this day the encouraging smile on his face. But that wasn’t the end of the conversation. “That’s great,” Dad said. “Now I want to talk to you about ‘cost of goods sold.’” Dad grinned as I forked over the cash. Paying for the lemonade out of the money I made was one of my dad’s best lessons for me about doing business.
Years later as a freshman at St. Olaf College, I needed spending money. Working at the cafeteria wasn’t my first choice, so I began thinking about who I could help. Since I had worked at my dad’s movie theater back home, I introduced myself to the owner of the only theater in town and offered to promote his movies to students on campus. My fee? Fifty movie passes per month, and I could sell the tickets for any price I wanted. He took me up on the offer on the spot, and every Monday I diligently walked the campus dorms and put up dozens of flyers for upcoming shows. The additional benefit was I had access to all the freshman girls’ dorms and made many friends as I went up and down the halls. The theater’s business increased exponentially, and for the next four years, I had a steady income.
I had a foolproof plan for selling the tickets. Knowing my flyers would drive students to the theater, I’d just show up a half hour before the Friday or Saturday night show, and there was always a long line for tickets. I simply offered those waiting in line the opportunity to buy a ticket for 25 cents less than the box office price. Before long, the tickets were gone, and my date and I could spend some of my earnings on pizza!
These incidents revealed two God-given gifts I still employ today: a bent for entrepreneurship and an aptitude for creative solutions. In both cases, I felt a deeply satisfying sense of accomplishment. These achievements gave me the confidence to develop my talents further, which led to my consulting career. When we activate our gifts, we step into our purpose.
Most people are hesitant to claim they have talents, much less name them out loud. You might wonder if you possess gifts, especially those that will help you live in the Power of 3. But it’s all about doing what comes naturally.
Doing What’s Natural
Bentley, our twelve-year-old British Labrador, was born to love people. He makes people happy. When we take him for a stroll, Bentley inevitably attracts admirers. They walk over and say, “What a beautiful dog—can we pet him?” “What’s his name?” “How old is he?” Bentley wags his tail back and forth and flashes a big doggy smile at everyone. He loves naturally. No training was ever needed. If a small child approaches him hesitantly, he’s careful to be still and take in the petting and hugging without scaring the child away.
Pam and I were lunching with another couple after church one Sunday, enjoying our food outside on a large deck. Sitting at the next table was a family with three small children, ages probably five, three, and eighteen months. The older kids eyed Bentley and started whispering between themselves. Bentley smiled and wagged his tail. Suddenly the kids stood from their chairs and walked over to this happy friend. The little one hugged Bentley. After considerable squeezing and nuzzling, the five-year-old asked if she could walk him around the big deck. We laughed. “Of course!”
The kids giggled and squealed as they led Bentley around the deck. By now their parents had gotten up from their table and told the kids it was time to go. They walked Bentley back to us, and the family started toward the parking lot. After only a few steps, the mom turned and came back. She said, “We’ve really had a tough week, and this has been the first time the kids have smiled or laughed. Thank you for allowing Bentley to be with them. This made their week.”
Bentley was just being Bentley. Bentley doesn’t try to be a guard dog. He instinctively knows to lead with his best talent. In fact, if we tried to use Bentley as a guard dog, he would simply welcome a robber into our home and show him around with his tail wagging. If only humans were as good at understanding and activating their natural gifts!
Human beings also have natural talents. Take Shaun: he was a star sales representative for a company that manufactured medical devices. His sales numbers had begun to slip, and I was called in to work with him. After we spent time in the field together and I gave him some coaching, Shaun realized he was bored with the routine of his sales duties. His gifts included a competitive spirit and a love of new challenges. Shaun’s true passions were helping people improve their lives, being creative, and being his own boss. So a month later, he resigned from the company, and today he owns and operates a yoga studio, where he coaches people on how to enhance their minds and bodies. He loves it because he’s utilizing his God-given gifts every day.
When we activate our gifts, astonishing breakthroughs follow. We take another step toward discovering our purpose.
What’s Going On: We Learn and Grow
Recent brain research shows how activating our God-given talents gives a true jump start toward making progress and gaining internal peace.
When we exercise the gifts and talents we’re born with, we experience a burst of oxytocin that ups our enthusiasm, increases our energy, and helps us to be more positive. It makes us more efficient and productive and helps us to be better problem-solvers.
The amazing outcome when we activate is that we greatly increase our chances to succeed. We become better leaders, spouses, friends, parents, grandparents, and team members, and opportunities arise for far greater achievement.
The science of neurochemistry has helped us gain a better understanding of inner biological “conversations.” Neurochemicals help the cells of our nervous systems “talk” with each other, similar to what happens when we get together with various friends. What’s amazing is these neu
rochemicals coexist in various recipes as the fluids of the brain and other body parts organize their system’s responses to stimuli. These neurochemicals are key in correlating our experiences, behaviors, and relationships. Their physical effects can be obvious. Just think back to what happened in your teen years when you saw someone attractive. Didn’t that raise your heartbeat, tighten your muscles, and make your face flush red? Your voice might have even choked or cracked. That’s how I felt when I first saw my wife, Pam!
We’re at our best when our inner chemical mix matches the needs of our environment. What happens when problems arise and our internal responses don’t fit what is happening around us? We feel undue stress. Our brain is flooded with cortisol and adrenaline—chemicals that produce defensiveness—rather than positive, connecting neurochemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. When the negative chemicals hit our nervous system, we lose our ability to have compassion, be curious, and cope. They negatively impact our memory and resilience, lower our immune system, and create inflammation. In many cases, we get physically sick with a cold, flu, or worse. Mentally, we dip or sink into depression, and our emotions wreak havoc on our relationships and our work. On the other hand, when we activate our gifts, we feel energized, happy, and ready to connect with the reality of life and make better decisions. Aligning with our purpose changes the chemical makeup within us, leading to healthier, more productive lives.