Baiyun, however, never dared to ask another question.
Some of the guilt came from a discussion she could still remember from a couple of years back in her dormitory.
Wenjing opened her small eyes behind her thick glasses and began the discussion. “I don’t understand why people would ever want to kiss each other. It is very unhygienic behavior. Do you know how much bacteria our mouths contain? How many germs and diseases can be transmitted through our saliva?”
Li Yan laughed.
“Yes, but why?” mumbled Baiyun. Her voice was so quiet that nobody even noticed that she spoke.
“You’d better give it a try yourself and then you will find out why people kiss. Like chemistry, you have to do experiments to determine whether the theory is correct or not,” argued Yumei. She sounded like she already knew why people kiss, and her sly smile confirmed their suspicion.
“You don’t always have to use experiments to decide whether a theory is correct or not. You can use assumptions and calculations to predict the answer. Besides I don’t think I would want to risk my health just for a kiss,” said Wenjing.
So much was happening lately. Her whole life had changed in the last two weeks since the movement had begun that day in the crowded square. She had never felt so busy yet so happy, so involved. The unhappy loner has turned into an organizer and activist. She no longer had to worry about her weight problem. The many sleepless days and irregular meals had shrunk her puffy waistline in spite of her recent dining with her mother. She liked it. She had never made so many friends before and on top of all that, she met Dagong. Dagong reminded her of Meiling’s old boyfriend Weiming, with whom Meiling had a 7 years relationship but later broke up. For the longest time Baiyun felt that Weiming was more like her real father. After Meiling broke up with Weiming, Baiyun had a hard time. It was like losing a close relative. She always wished to find a replacement “father”, but she didn’t know how. She felt that finding a boyfriend of her own would not be a solution, since most of young men her age were far too immature. Since she realized Dagong could now be the one, the replacement she had been looking for in many years, she did not know how to describe her joy. But of course, she could never have predicted the relationship would progress so far this fast
Dagong slowly massaged her nipples while kissing her. Baiyun hesitantly touched the totally erect penis reaching out from his jeans, unsure of exactly what to do with it. She could tell from his deep sighs when they paused for air between long kisses, that she was at least doing something right. They paused and looked intently at each other. His shirt buttons were open and exposed a white tank top tucked tightly under his belt. Dagong moved his hand to the inside of her thigh, kissing her intently as he slowly moved it up between her outstretched legs. As he reached the seam at the top of her legs, she pulled away.
“So this is your first time,” asked Dagong.
“Yes,” murmured Baiyun and nodding hesitantly. She felt a little embarrassed like a teenager drinking alcohol behind her parents back. Dagong had become a different person in front of her. She now looked directly at his male sex organ, his totally erect penis, to say it more precisely, which looked much more attractive than the one in the medical school specimen jar and she had been blindly touching earlier while they were kissing and caressing. At that moment, Meiling’s warning appeared in her mind.
“You could learn something from your mother? Stay away from the boys. They will only make trouble for you. Study, study hard!”
Her head dropped and she pulled her hands away from Dagong and rested them on the grass.
“I’m making you uncomfortable. I will stop. I would never force you into anything,” Dagong, now becoming flaccid, closed the zipper on his pants. “You’re still a virgin, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” answered Baiyun quietly. Her voice was so low that it was almost inaudible. She couldn’t predict what Dagong was going to do. Would he ridicule her? Would he leave in anger? Baiyun did not want to stop the kissing and touching, but at the same time was afraid to continue.
“I’m surprised? I didn’t think that you Beijing University students were that old fashioned. Not many people think of virginity as being a big deal anymore.” Dagong looked at Baiyun with curiosity, and maybe little sadness. He did not want to hurt this lovely girl’s feelings.
“But for me it is important to be a virgin,” she said as she re-buttoned her bra, but left her shirt undone. “Mother told me that if I found out things about boys, I would never be able to be a good student anymore,” said Baiyun seriously with slightly louder voice as she became more confident.
“Why do you have to believe her?”
“It’s because mothers have a lot of experience. I grew up with mother’s many secret love affairs. I even helped her a few times.”
“So did she enjoy it?”
“Sure, but she has wasted all her life with men. It’s not worth it.”
“Is it not worthwhile to have some fun in life?”
“No, it is the pain involved makes it not worthwhile. Mother always says that life consists of endless pain and a few moments of joy. It is especially true between man and woman.”
“Woo. Do you believe that?”
“Yes, because my life has been just like that, too much pain, very little joy.”
“Oh, my poor girl,” stroking Baiyun’s head, he continued, “Why didn’t your mother just marry one of her boyfriends?”
“My father… is still alive,” said Baiyun slowly, word by word. Each word was like a bullet penetrating her heart.
“He is still alive? I thought he had died a few years ago.”
“No, he is not alive. He is just not dead. He spends whole day in the green house tending his flowers and the whole evening playing violin. When he is in the apartment, he makes the cat like noise as though he were an animal. Except for occasional yelling and cursing, it’s hard to tell that he’s alive.”
“Woo. You mean that your mother, her boyfriend and your father actually live together?” Dagong stared at Baiyun. He felt sad for her, and a bit angry. “You should get out of there.”
“I did move out and came to live in the dorm. But they still seem so close. I need to go to a place far away. Only then could I forget about the whole situation. But how should I do it?”
Dagong did not answer. He did not have an answer for her. In China, a person is not free to live anywhere he or she wants. The government determines where you live.
“So my only choice is to study hard and pass the exams to go to America.”
“I think you should,” said Dagong. Baiyun’s words reminded him of his own desire to go to America. He did not have as clear an objective as Baiyun did. Although Dagong’s life was not perfect, he had long gotten used to it after having finally lost any thoughts of going away.
“That’s why I don’t go out with boys. I believe that any mistake can spoil my chance to go to America,” said Baiyun. She sounded like an adult.
“Why are you here and not studying now?” asked Dagong.
“I can’t. My mind is filled with other things lately. I can’t study anymore. I’m afraid I would never get out of here. I’m stuck here, but I’m here with you.” Baiyun leaned toward Dagong. They hugged each other.
He slowly moved his hands away and buttoned Baiyun’s white short sleeve shirt and straightened her hair. “Let’s go to the lake,” he said as he helped Baiyun to stand up.
“Oh, my legs.” Baiyun cried out loud as she stretched out her cramped legs. She leaned down and rubbed the inactivity out of her thighs and calves, and walked along with Dagong.
The sky turned pink while the wind swept through the dried dirt they were walking on. The almost full moon had quietly arisen in the sky. They walked quietly toward the lake, holding hands like lovers.
Dagong was surprised to hear Baiyun’s complicated life story and to learn of her tragic and confused family life. He was also glad to know Baiyun. It was first time in his life he fou
nd a girl with the depth to truly understand him. He, too, had an unfortunately life story. He felt like maybe he could tell Baiyun everything about himself.
They caught last glimpse of the sunset, half of a cold and sanguine ball falling in the west side of the sky after they found a bench by the lake. The wind had stopped and the air became still. The lake was like a mirror and also like a bottomless hole, which had swallowed everything around it, the island, the bushes on the island and the willow tree by the shore. Sun and the sky had become a symmetrical object in this endless and bottomless world. For a while, it was hard to tell the high from the low, the top from the bottom and the earth from the whispered exclaimed Dagong.
“Yes, except for the reddish sun. Do you think the sun looks like a heart soaked in blood?” Baiyun was not in a good mood.
“Don’t just dwell on your painful past. You will feel better in a while. Nature has the power to heal.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Let me tell you my story. More than 20 years ago, because of my family background, the Beijing University and all the other universities rejected me despite of my excellent academic record and my high test-scores in the college entrance exams. I rode my bicycle here and found a bench like this one. I sat there and stared into the lake for the whole day. I thought about committing suicide. Then the magic happened. Gradually the lake in front of me turned into an underworld, which was full of life and nature, where birds were singing and people were dancing. I began to communicate with the trees and the earth around me. They seemed all whispered one sentence to me, ‘There is hope! There is hope!’” This sentence slipped out of Dagong’s mouth unconsciously like steams running down the hill. He stared at the lake as though that magic was happening again, but this time for them.
It was completely dark. The lights and stars had become candles on the calm lake. It looked like a ceremony was going on in the underworld. They both heard a voice floating up from the lake, solemn and graceful.
“On a bright and sunny day in May, we are going on a hunger strike. We are young but we are ready to give up our lives. We don’t want to die so in our youth, but our country suffers from so many wrongs.”
“They are the hunger strikers! They are the hunger strikers!” Baiyun cheered proudly. She stretched her arms and leaned forward as though she was ready to join the group.
Chapter 13
By 8pm, Dagong made it home on his bicycle. Everyone was having dinner and the smell of food was pungent. The first family he saw was Lao Liu’s family who were sitting around a little table in the yard eating stir-fried pork with cabbage and rice. They all nodded to Dagong.
“Wow. You are back. You know Zhang Ping has been looking for you the whole day.” Lao Liu put down his chopsticks and turned toward him. “I think you are in for a punishment.” He made a face.
“Don’t scare him,” said his wife Wu Zheng. “She understands you need to organize the workers and support the students. Look at your head. You are still bleeding. I can see blood seeping through the bandage. Let me find a new one for you.” Wu Zheng ran into her apartment.
“How is the square?” asked Lili. She wore a polka dot summer dress and looked beautiful.
“It’s getting crowded. Students from many colleges and universities have moved here and pitched tents in Tiananmen Square. It is like a county fair over there. Farmers brought their pigs, goats, cats and dogs performing tricks. I have seen quite amazing Qigong tricks.” Dagong sat down so Wu Zheng could take off the old bandage around his head and wrap a new one.
“It’s not a country fair. You guys are crazy!” Lao Liu yelled.
“Calm down, Lao Liu,” said Wu Zheng. “It looks like people would win this time.”
“Soldiers are not doing anything. They just stand there and make sure everything goes smoothly. It looks like they are told not to do anything. People are not afraid. It is really different this time. It is as though someone has sprayed laughing gas all over the square to intoxicate the people or they are just intoxicated by the wind of democracy,” said Dagong.
Lao Liu noticed Dagong had become much more confidant and he waved his hands while talking. “Yes. The soldiers are told not to do anything because the political leaders are conflicted. Currently the General Secretary Zhao Ziyang is ahead. He can speak positively about the student unrest in the Asia Development Bank. He can openly support the students. But how long would that last? They would let students partying for a while and having some fun. When they decide enough is enough, they would be able to clean up very quickly. The soldiers are there with guns and the tanks are not far away. You will see.” Then he stood up. “Let’s me show you something.” He stood up and dropped the cat down. The cat made noise, arched his back and jumped on the stone railing of the fishpond.
Lao Liu stuck his head out of the door and yelled, “Dagong, come in and I will show you a video.”
Dagong obeyed.
Lili jumped up and asked, “Mom, can I go and find my friends in the square? I will be back soon. Please. Let me go before Father gets out and locks me up again.” Her big and beautiful eyes were so sincere that they almost could melt Wu Zheng’s heart.
“Ok. I will go with you.” Wu Zheng quickly cleaned the dishes and was ready to go.
“Why? I’m old enough to go alone. I’m seventeen. Have you forgotten?”
“I know. If I don’t go with you, your father will be shouting at me and asking me to find you. Where do I find you in this vast place? This way, at least I know where you are. Do you want to go or not?” Wu Zhang started walking toward the gate.
“Ok.” Realizing this was her only choice, Lili followed.
Now Lao Liu and Dagong walked out.
“You see. They have videos of everyone there. They have videos of you, your student friends, Pumpkin, Broomstick, even Potatofeet.” Then he lowered his voice. “The only person I don’t see is Mr. Wang.”
“I thought he had been going there a lot,” said Dagong.
“Yes. I think he works for the government. He has installed many cameras for them so he knows where the cameras are and where not to show up. You see in the end, these would be evidence to arrest whoever they want.” Lao Liu walked down the steps and then he stopped suddenly putting his hand on his chest as though he had a heart attack. “Where is Lili? Where is Wu Zheng?” He yelled so loud that even the cat was woken up from its nap.
“They went to the square. Lili was stir-crazy. Wu Zheng decided to follow her.” Little Pea walked over with a plate of food in her hands and told him the news about his wife and daughter.
“Crazy. Everyone is crazy. I guess I have to show my old face there.” Lao Liu raced out of the gate.
When Dagong was just about to venture into his apartment to see where Zhang Ping and Little Turnip were hiding, he heard the door slam and Zhang Ping rushed out looking disheveled. Her permed hair was randomly bunched up by a hair clip and looking like a bird nest. A half-buttoned white shirt loosely hung over a pair of faded baggy jeans and revealed her shallow cleavage. Makeup was smudged all over her face along with sweat and the day’s soil.
“My dear Dagong. It’s so good that you came back.” She came down the steps and fell on his shoulder. “I have been waiting for you the whole day and just fell asleep before you got here.”
Dagong helped her walk to the bench and they both sat down. She leaned toward Dagong and cupped his head in her hands.
“Oh. Look at your black eye and the fresh scars. You look like a Pirate!” Then she started to unbutton his shirt.
“Maybe we should go inside,” said Dagong.
“No. I want everyone to see how a handsome man you are!” Zhang Ping ripped his shirt off from him. She turned and leaped up to the center of the yard. “You are out there and participating in the prodemocracy movement. You nearly sacrifice your life for it. You forget about your wife and son. I will forgive you for that because it is hard not to be swept into this exciting movement and to have a chance to be a lead
er. But how can you forget about the past, the suffering you have gone through in the previous political movements because of your family background? Do you remember when we first met, when you were working as a janitor in the Beijing Zoo? When we found you outside of the bathroom you were cleaning, you looked so thin and your face was yellow. We thought you had Hepatitis B. Dad and I took you to the clinic to check you up. It turned out that you were just malnourished. When Dad told you he would get you out of there and assign you a job in his factory, you cried. I still remember the teardrops on your handsome but dry and tan face. Come on. We don’t need a revolution. We have suffered so much already. We need food and housing. So people like Little Pea and Yu Gang can get married and have their own apartment.” She went to sit next to Dagong and turned to face him hitting his chest. “Why don’t you understand?” Tears streamed down on her cringed but colorful face.
“Mom.” Little Turnip rushed out of their apartment and fell into Zhang Ping’s chest so she would stop pounding on Dagong’s chest.
Dagong looked into the yard feeling touched by his wife. He was not surprised that his son didn’t recognize him since he had not been home much lately. Kids forget things very quickly. Yes. What would this revolution bring to him? He didn’t know but all he knew was that it had gathered up so much momentum that no one could stop it. Maybe they are onto something this time, he said to himself. But Zhang Ping still lived in the past. She didn’t understand why he joined this prodemocracy movement. She wanted him to stay home and study TOFEL. So they could go to America. He didn’t have a clear vision why he was in this movement. All he knew was that he had never been this free and this happy. When the movement was over and successful, he could still go to America. At that time, he would be a much freer man hopefully. He would like to get a divorce. But Zhang Ping was too fragile now. He decided not to mention it.
Broomstick stepped in with Potatofeet. They both carried helmets in their hands. Pumpkin sauntered over to them and shouted, “You can come home to eat when your bellies grumble. I have food for you. I’m not yelling at you. You two are heroes.”
Last Kiss in Tiananmen Square Page 16