If I return.
Having Penelope on my bike now, with her hands caressing my skin, even if she’s not meaning to, makes me realize that I like her there. I’m enjoying the way her legs are pressed against my hips and the way her fingers graze my skin so innocently.
Pulling off to one of the lookout points, I set both feet down and shut off my bike.
“Watch,” I instruct, pointing to the sky. Without hesitation, she rests her head on my shoulder and I instinctively lean into her. I like it. I like the way I’m feeling with her right now. She’s here because she wants to be, not because of who I am.
“What am I watching for?”
“Birds.”
“It’s dark, I can’t see a bird in the dark. No one can.”
Realizing my mistake, I shake my head. “Fighter jets. They’ll be coming to land in a second.”
“How do you know?”
Because I wanted to be one until I found the SEALs.
“When you live on base, you follow patterns.” Before I can say anything else, two jets appear and align themselves for landing.
“Are you a pilot?”
“No, I’m not cool like that.”
“So what do you do?”
Kill bad people.
“I’m the guy who protects you while you sleep.”
I STARTLE AWAKE, SITTING up abruptly and holding my head from the impending headache that’s about to come from my instant head rush. Beads of sweat pebble on my neck and forehead while my body shakes uncontrollably. My heart races as I struggle to calm my breathing. The last thing I want to do is have a full-blown panic attack, which would require Evan or Ryley to come to my aid. They don’t need to see me like this. This isn’t who I am.
Pushing my hands over my face and through my hair, I work to bring myself back to reality. It was just a dream, of the day that Penny and I met. But I saw through her. I recognized her embarrassment when she spoke words that she didn’t intend and I knew I wouldn’t let her get away.
Except, I didn’t want her to stay. I didn’t want her to fall in love, only to be hurt when I didn’t return. Or returned as a man she didn’t know. I didn’t want those things for her, but she wanted me. Telling me over and over again that loving me whether it was for a day, a week, or a hundred years was worth the potential heartache she may feel down the road. Penny was the optimist in our relationship.
After that first night, we spent the rest of her vacation together. When I’d get off work, I’d go pick her up and bring her back to base. We’d sit on the sand with our toes buried, watching the waves, the ships, and planes land. I didn’t wine and dine her like I should’ve because I needed her to see what my life was like. When I was off work, that’s what I did, besides go to Magoos to hang out with my friends. She needed to see how mundane and laid back things were for me.
I introduced her to my friends and she fit in as if she had been a part of our lives since basic training. I knew I had to do something to let her know I was interested, but didn’t want her to think that she had to give up her life back home to be with me.
So I kissed her, underneath the moonlight and on my motorcycle with birds flying overhead and the crash of waves surrounding us, and I didn’t stop until the sun was peaking over the horizon. I didn’t want to stop, but work called and so did her return flight.
When she left San Diego to return home I didn’t take her to the airport. I left that to her friends. I had already monopolized all of her nights and I didn’t want to take away their good-byes as well.
I tried to occupy my time at work, waiting for her to text me and let me know she was home, but it never came. I had no doubt in my mind that once she got home she’d realize a life with a SEAL is near impossible. A lot of women, and some men, can’t handle the military. It takes a special type of spouse to marry a service person. You give up a lot, for very little in return.
The night Penny left, I went to Magoos to drown my sorrows. Tomorrow would be a new day, but that night I was going to mourn what I could’ve had if things had been slightly different. I know that if I weren’t in the Navy I would’ve never met her, but it was still nice to think about.
Two beers in, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I tilted my head slightly, never looking behind me, only to tell the female that I wasn’t interested. Then she spoke. The way my name fell off her lips had my body zinging. I turned on the stool and took her in, with her blonde hair pulled into a ponytail and her sunglasses resting on top of her head. Penny stood in front of me with her luggage at her feet.
Hi was the only word I could muster. Penny had made it to her first stop, only to get off and buy a flight back to San Diego.
That night, dressed only by the light of the moon, I made love to her. She moved in that same night. I had a small studio apartment off base and we made it work.
A month later I asked her to marry me, and she said yes. What followed was frantic planning which was tossed aside when orders came in for deployment. Her dream wedding was no longer an option for her and we went to the justice of the peace instead.
Our wedding night consisted of lovemaking until we could no longer keep our eyes open. She knew I was saying good-bye without using words. The war had escalated and too many of us were dying. I wanted her to know and remember how much I loved her.
My first piece of mail from her was a radiology image of what looked like a bean. The card accompanying the image said ‘Hi, Daddy’. I was going to be a dad and I prayed for the first time in my life that I’d be there when my child was born. And I was.
Days before Penny was due I got papers saying I was going home. To this day, I stand firmly behind the fact that I caused Penny to go into labor. I didn’t tell her I was coming home and since it was only a few of us returning, the surprise was easy to pull off. I knocked on the door of our on base housing—one she had to move into all by herself—and waited for her to answer. Her belly, plump and with my child growing inside of her, was the first thing I noticed. The squeal brought my eyes to my wife for the first time in eight months. The sheer panic that spread across her face seconds later literally brought me to my knees. Within hours of coming home, I was a dad to a beautiful baby girl.
I wipe away the trail of tears falling down my face. Muffled voices above me let me know everyone is awake, and it’s only a matter of time before I hear EJ running up and down the stairs, wondering if I’m awake.
The only thing my dream and early morning recollection of Penny have done for me is remind me I need to be back in San Diego. Where she disappeared to starts from there, not here, and while I appreciate that Marley is here, I can’t stop searching for my wife and daughter.
And I want my bike. Not that I know where to find it, but I’m going to look in the last place I left it.
As my bare feet touch the plush carpet I resign myself to having to tell my friends I’m leaving. Of course, I’ll have to borrow money for a bus ticket, but they know I’ll pay them back when I can.
The laughter upstairs is warming. When I reach the top, no one stops talking and they carry on like I’ve been awake with them all morning instead of sitting in bed remembering my wife.
“Breakfast is in the oven. Do you want me to make you a plate?” Ryley asks from the dining room table where everyone is sitting.
“No thanks, I can do it.”
I make my plate and take a seat next to EJ who is patting the chair.
“Wanna play hide-n-seek?”
“Maybe later, buddy.” EJ shrugs as if it’s no big deal that I don’t want to play. I do, though, because I love spending time with him. In my mind, my time with him is preparing me for when I see Claire, although boys and girls are vastly different. Plus, she’s much older.
Once EJ is done with breakfast, Ryley excuses herself to go give him a bath, leaving the rest of us at the table.
Nate and Cara are talking about going to the cemetery to visit his dad’s grave, and Evan is talking about heading to the gun range to shoot som
e of his guns. He wants to make sure they’re working. Rask says he wants to go with Evan.
“I think I’m going to head back to Coronado,” I blurt out, interrupting their conversations. It grows quiet and eight eyes turn toward me. I feel like I’m on the stand and just confessed to a crime that I didn’t commit.
“Why?” It’s Nate who asks and not Evan like I suspected him to.
“Yeah why? I thought you hired a private investigator here?” Rask inquires.
“I did, but I feel like I should be doing something to find Penny and being here isn’t where I need to start.”
“Where will you look that you haven’t already?” This time it’s Cara asking, and her question gives me a small bit of confidence in my desire to return to California.
“When I came back I looked in only the obvious places—housing, parks—and the PI’s I hired there said they didn’t find anything at any of the schools in the area. They also said the highway patrol cameras weren’t working that night, but I don’t believe them.”
“Why not?” she asks, pulling out a notepad from behind her. It’s like all Federal agents have a supply of notebooks in their back pocket.
“It’s too convenient. Those cameras are always working, it’s how the state makes their money, and for them to be suddenly down when she’s leaving? I don’t buy it. Not anymore after learning what I have.
“Also, the more I think about the other PIs, I realize they only asked if Claire was in school or if there was someone matching her description.
“Don’t you think your PI is doing that now?” Cara questions.
“I’m sure she is, but there’s one thing I need to check.” I take a deep breath. “Every time I deployed, regardless of how long, Penny would have my motorcycle put into storage. She didn’t want it to fall on Claire if she was to get into the garage and she didn’t want it damaged. So I’d leave and she’d call a tow company to come get it and take it to storage.”
“Where’s your bike now?” Rask inquires.
“I don’t know. Honestly, I forgot about it until this morning. It’s the last thing on my mind, but I’m wondering who the storage owner sold it to because if Penny is gone, she isn’t making the payment, right?”
They all nod, but don’t say anything as Ryley walks in.
“Why so quiet?” She moves to stand next to Evan, placing her arms around him. “You guys look like you’ve seen a ghost … or three of them at least.” She laughs at her own bad joke.
“I’m talking about heading back to San Diego because there are some things I need to check out. Things I didn’t remember until this morning.”
“Okay, so why is everyone so glum about it?”
“Because, babe, it’s not safe and we can’t protect McCoy when he’s there.”
Throwing her hands up in the air, Ryley huffs. “Archer, yes I’m looking at you, too, Nate … you guys, come on. Tucker is a big boy and if he needs to go back to his home then you let him.”
“Thanks, Ryley.”
She sends a wink in my direction.
“But what about meeting with your PI?” Cara is the logical one. “She’s already uncovered things the others couldn’t, or wouldn’t. I’m sure she’ll have more.”
“I won’t be gone long. I just need to check out a few things that I didn’t before.”
“I’ll go with you. You can’t fly yet, but I can escort you on the plane. I’ll have to make a few calls, but it can be done.”
“I can take the bus,” I say to Cara. “I don’t want to take time from you and Nate.”
Cara brushes off my statement and gets up from the table.
“I’ll go, too. EJ and I haven’t seen my parents in a while, and I can do some wedding stuff down there.” Ryley’s words cause Evan to freeze. The Archer brothers are going to kill me.
“Ry—”
“Don’t, Archer. If, and that’s a big if, Frannie is there, which I doubt she is, I’ll be with Cara. EJ will be safe at my parents.”
He sighs, knowing he won’t win this battle with her.
“Okay, we’re all set,” Cara says when she comes back into the room. “Tucker McCoy, your under arrest.”
“For what?” I balk.
Cara shrugs. “Don’t know, but I thought it’d be funny to say that. Either way, you’re in my ‘custody’ although that doesn’t really mean anything since we just faked the documents.”
“Gotta love the government.” I’m trying not to laugh at the situation, but it’s funny. I can’t fly because the government doesn’t accept that I’m alive, but yet they let a Federal agent escort me on the plane. It’d be easier if they just gave me my driver’s license back.
THE REST OF MY day went on as if I never heard the name Ted Lawson. I focused on my tasks, greeted each customer, made the best sandwiches, and did it all with a smile. When Chloe’s classmate came in to get a milkshake while she waited for her dad to get off, I happily made it and listened to her talk about her day and what her and Chloe did during recess. Her chatterbox mouth and sweet smile reminded me why I did what I did—to save my daughter.
When Laura returned and the nighttime crew showed up, I hesitated at the counter, staring at the newspaper. I didn’t want to touch it for fear the dirtiness of Lawson would get on me and taint the life I’ve built, but I had thoughts of sitting in the courtroom during his trial so I could see his smug face as his verdict is read. But I won’t. I’ll never see him again and if I do, I’ll kill him.
My drive home is quick, which doesn’t allow me much time to decompress and gather my thoughts before I see Ray and Chloe. I have to keep a straight face, show that I’m solid so he doesn’t ask questions. Ray needs to see that I’m his doting wife despite how I’m feeling on the inside.
When I enter the house, the warm aroma of freshly baked bread surrounds me. The benefit of being married to a teacher is that he’s off before I am and can start dinner. It’s how we’ve always done things and I’m not complaining. Dinner was never my forte anyway.
“Dinner smells good,” I say as I step into the kitchen through the mudroom. One thing I had to learn when it comes to living in New England—there are extra doors and odd rooms. While most people enter through a front door, homes here have two and you use the one attached to the mudroom so you can take off your coat and shoes before you enter a home. It took me a long time to remember that.
“Hey, you.” Ray comes to greet me, taking my bag and setting it on the back of the chair. He gives me a soft kiss and I try to return it, but my feelings are muted right now. If he notices he doesn’t say anything.
“Dinner, which is pot roast, will be ready in about twenty minutes.”
“Okay, I’m going to go upstairs and check on Chloe.”
“Wait, before you go.” Ray reaches out and grasps my wrist, keeping me from leaving the kitchen. “I heard from Bob today. He said that Adam came in for lunch.”
Everything in me turns cold. Of course Adam is going to share with Bob, Ray’s friend, that I freaked out at the store today. We live in a very small town where word spreads fast.
“Yes, Adam comes in almost every day. Why would today be any different?”
“Oh I don’t know, Amy, because my wife blacked out and was unresponsive with a knife in her hand?”
I brush it off. “It wasn’t anything like that. I was listening to a story Adam was reading and got lost in thought.”
Ray nods, but I can tell he’s not convinced. I pull my arm out of his grasp and head toward the stairs to see Chloe.
“Amy,” he calls when my foot is on the first step. I can pretend I don’t hear him or I can answer him. I hesitate too long because he’s now in the doorway looking at me.
I smile sweetly. “Yes, Ray?”
“What was the story?”
“I’m sorry?”
“The story that had you so consumed you blacked out—what was it?”
I shake my head. “I don’t remember.” The lie falls easily from my
lips. It’s been years since I’ve lied to him and I hate how I can fall back into the pattern so easily.
“You don’t remember?”
I shake my head. “I blacked out, remember?” With that I continue my trek upstairs and into my daughter’s room. I realize once the words are out of my mouth that I’ve slipped. I’ve admitted that I blacked out today and knowing Ray, he’s not going to let it go.
I stand in her doorway, resting against the jamb. She has headphones on while she’s doing her homework and her head bobs up and down. The mirror on her wall shows me her reflection. She looks up and sees me, giving me a radiant smile that reminds me of her father. Someday I’m going to sit her down and tell her about him, but not now. Ray doesn’t even know, and I’d really like to keep it to myself for now.
“Hi, Mom. How was your day?”
“It was good.” I step into her room and shut the door, something I rarely do. We’re big on having open doors around here as long as everyone is awake and dressed. I like to sit at the bottom of the stairs and hear her moving around. I wouldn’t be able to do that behind a closed door.
“How was yours?” I ask, sitting on her bed.
“It was good. I have a test in history that I’m studying for.” I can’t help but laugh as she rolls her eyes.
“Has he ever failed you?” I can’t bring myself to ask if her dad has failed her. Ray isn’t her dad, but he’s all she’s ever known. Her father would’ve never failed her, not in life or anything else. He was smitten with her from the day she was born.
“No, but Dad holds me to a higher standard than the other students.”
Of course he does. But I don’t say it out loud. I can’t speak ill of Ray; he’s a good man and saved me from myself.
“Are you okay, Mom?”
“I’m fine, sweetie. Dinner will be soon. Da—” I have to clear my throat. “Dad’s making pot roast.”
I get up and open her door. “And fresh bread,” I add with a smile before I walk down the hall to the bathroom. Once inside, I lock the door, turn on the faucet, and pull out a towel. I found myself here months ago after Ray bought up the death of a Navy SEAL, and I find myself here again.
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