“Mrs. Barnes?”
I’m caught off guard by my name being called. The doctor stands in front of me with fresh scrubs on. One would think he hasn’t done anything important today, but the expression on his face tells me otherwise. He’s tired, ragged.
I nod, unable to find my voice. My arms instinctively go around my mid-section, the same thing they did when I was informed that Tucker had died. I’m bracing myself.
“Your husband experienced a lot of damage from the bullet and the blood loss is extensive.”
I know what he’s going to say next and I don’t want to hear him. No one should lose their husband like this, and I’m going to do it twice in my young life. All I remember when I came in with Ray is the EMT saying GSW to the abdomen. Everything else is a jumble of words about his blood pressure, oxygen, and heart rate. They were rushing to do what they could, to get him into surgery before it was too late.
And it is too late.
“Is he dying?”
The doctor doesn’t say anything right away. For all I know, he’s searching for the right words to comfort me. He doesn’t know that I’ve been down this path before, only this time I’ll get to say good-bye. There isn’t a pedophile trying to steal my daughter causing me to run in the middle of the night. No, this time I’ll be holding my husband’s hand while he takes his last breath.
“We did everything we could, but there was just too much damage.” He reaches out and places his hand on my forearm in an attempt to comfort me. “You can see him and be with him until the end. Someone will be out shortly to take you to him.” With those final words he disappears down the hall, removing the paper cap that covers his hair.
I can’t even put into words what I’m feeling. I have an odd sense of calm, riddled with anxiety, and it hurts to breath. Tears are building up in my sockets, waiting for me to give the okay to let the floodgates open, but I can’t. I have to remain strong for Ray and for Chloe.
Chloe. No, Claire. What do I call my child now that the truth about our lives is out there? I had no time to explain before … before everything changed. My phone call to Cara, not Tucker, was cut short when Frannie walked into my house. Locking our doors had never been a precaution we had to take and we were about to pay the price.
Ray protected my daughter, sending her to her room as he calmly spoke to Frannie. Even with fear running through my body, I jumped when I heard Claire’s door slam and something be moved across the floor. She was blocking herself in because even she sensed the danger.
To my left and through the double doors is the waiting room where friends from the life I gave up sit and wait. If my luck continues, the police are there as well, waiting to take my statement. Rask’s last words remind me of what I’m supposed to say, but I don’t know if it’s believable. I don’t know if I believe it myself, but someone shot her from the outside and I really want to thank them, yet punch them at the same time because their bullet caused her to squeeze the trigger and shoot my husband.
“Ma’am, would you like to go see your husband?”
I nod at the portly nurse who offers a sweet, yet forced smile. “I need my daughter first.”
She seems to understand and steps in next to me, urging me to walk through the double doors. Each step seems to take an hour until I’m at the door and they’re being opened automatically for me. The nurse presses her hand against my back, guiding me to where everyone is waiting.
Ryley is the first to stand, and I immediately notice that she’s holding Claire’s hand. Flashbacks of images come to me as I remember how close they once were.
“Mommy,” she says as she runs toward with tears streaming down her face. I don’t know what she saw in the living room, but I hope to God Nate kept her face covered. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, baby, I am. Are you?” I ask, pushing her hair away from her face, my eyes doing a quick scan of her body to check she’s not hurt in any way.
“I was scared and I had to hang onto Nate while we climbed out my window, but he told me to not let go and said he wouldn’t drop me.”
I look up at Nate who looks a little embarrassed. As soon as my eyes meet Tucker’s, he goes and stands by his friend, patting him on the back. I’ll never be able to repay him, or any of the others for coming and saving us.
“No, Nate would never drop you. Neither would Tucker or Evan.”
Claire looks back and all the guys smile at her, all except for one—River. He’s staring straight ahead. I faintly remember him coming into my house, and if my husband hadn’t been injured I would’ve slapped him in the face. Why he’s even here, I have no idea. For all I know he faked his death, twice, to help his demented wife try to kill us all.
I pull Claire to me, cupping my hands over her cheeks. “Your dad is very hurt. I’m going to take you to see him now, okay?”
My words aren’t lost on her as her eyes well up with tears. Tucker moves toward me, but I shake my head. I don’t want him near me right now. I want to go be with my husband in his last moments, telling him how sorry I am and how much I love him.
With Claire’s hand in mine, we walk through the double doors while the nurse leads the way. Claire’s grip tightens when we pause at a nondescript door.
“Is my dad dying?”
I nod and let out the sob that has been building for hours. The tears no longer hold back and they rush down my face, soaking my skin immediately. Claire’s the brave one and pulls me into the room to where the man I love is lying on a bed with a tube coming out of his mouth. The nurse moves around us, bringing chairs over to his bedside.
“His heart is starting to slow down. It won’t be long,” she says as she looks at the machine. Claire lets go of my hand and moves to one side of the bed and picks up Ray’s hand.
“I’m so sorry, Dad,” she says to him. “I hope you know how much I love you even when you made me study history.”
I let out a strangle laugh and try to compose myself. How can my daughter have so much more composure than me? I’m supposed to be the strong one, yet she’s teaching me about grace and dignity.
Reaching for Ray’s hand, I sit down next to him. He’s cold and lifeless already. I bring his hand to my lips and press against it. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper against this skin repeatedly.
“Ray, if you can hear me please fight. Find strength in our love and fight to stay with us. We need you so much.”
“Yes, Daddy, please stay with me,” Claire says through her tears. I reach for her, our hands resting over the top of Ray, cocooning him with our love.
“I can’t do this without you, Ray. Please don’t leave me.”
Claire and I talk to him, reminding him that he has something to fight for. I don’t know if I believe in the afterlife or the shining white light people with near death experiences say they’ve seen, but I do believe in love and faith. And I’m praying that wherever Ray is right now, he’s turning away from the light and coming back to me.
“WOULD YOU LIKE ME to brush your hair?”
Claire steps up behind me, dressed in a black dress that touches her knees with her hair up in a bun. I don’t know who did her hair, but I’m thankful. I can barely brush mine. Years ago, when I lost Tucker, I didn’t have time to mourn and part of me wishes I were in a similar situation because every part of my body hurts. The other part of me feels like I didn’t do this right with Tucker or I’m somehow not honoring his memory.
With the ‘passing’ of Tucker I was living in fear, constantly looking over my shoulder and jumping at the slightest noises. I’d sleep up against the door while Claire slept peacefully in bed or battled her toddler demons. Numerous times, I wondered if her night whimpers were dreams about Tucker, but her little mind was probably dreaming of monsters under her bed, not her father dying, not her father never coming home. I can’t even remember if I told her.
I stare back at my daughter who looks so much like the father she doesn’t know. How did our lives become this cluster mess of lies and decei
t? I never wanted to lie to Ray, but I had no choice. There was never a convenient time to sit down and unload my burden on him. And why would I? We were living a life of bliss and nothing was wrong, except my inability to give him a child. That was selfish of me. I didn’t know if I could love another child the same way I love Claire. She was my last link to a life that I never wanted to give up.
Today I’ll bury my husband when I couldn’t do it before. I was never afforded the opportunity to say good-bye to Tucker. Instead of honoring the man who served his country, sitting there like a proud wife and accepting his flag, I was lying on a bed, silently crying my eyes out and holding my daughter for fear that someone was going to take her out of my arms.
“Who did your hair?”
Claire picks up my brush and moves it through my hair, brushing it softly. “That lady, Ryley. She seems nice.”
“She is.” I smile softly. “When you were little, we used to go to the park with her all the time. She has a little boy now … I don’t know why I just told you that,” I say, getting lost in thought.
“It’s okay. We can talk about it.”
Claire sets my brush down and sits next to me on my bench, taking my hand in hers. She’s so strong and resilient.
“My name is Penelope,” I tell her with a smile. “And your name is Claire. For days now I’ve been referring to you as Claire in my head because it was your grandma’s name and your dad loved your grandma so much.”
“What’s his name?”
“Tucker McCoy.”
“He’s downstairs fixing our door,” she states as if I’m supposed to know this. “He made me breakfast, too, but it wasn’t very good. I didn’t tell him that though.”
“Oh yeah?” I try not to let my voice crack, but it does. I can’t imagine what Tucker is thinking right now. He’s spent the past six years believing we’ve been waiting for him, that he’d come home to a family who missed him. Well, I missed him, but Claire … she was too young.
“Has Tucker spoken to you?”
Claire shakes her head and starts pulling at her lower lip. “What’s going to happen now?”
I bring her into my arms and hold her, trying not to mess up her hair. “I wish I had an answer for you, but I don’t. I have a lot of decisions to make and I can’t make them without you, but none of them have to be made today, okay?”
“Would you be mad if I didn’t want to change my name?”
I shake my head slowly while looking her in the eyes so she knows I won’t be mad at her. I can understand why she would want to keep her name the same, it’s all she’s really known.
“He’ll be hurt, though, right?”
I rub my hand up and down back, searching for the right answer. Tucker is as innocent as Claire is and we’ve all lost so much.
“I think Tucker would understand why you want to keep your name the same.”
Claire doesn’t say anything for a long time before she stands and picks my hairbrush up. She starts humming “Hush Little Baby” the song I used to sing to her while brushing my hair. I keep my eyes closed and let her do whatever she wants. No one is going to care how I look today, not when the focus should be on Ray.
The sound of a hair clip locking into place has me looking in the mirror. Claire stands behind me, beaming. “I think you look pretty like this,” she says with a toothy smile. I turn my head from side to side, as if I’m striking a pose, and smile.
“I love it.”
Claire stands at the front of the church, her father’s body resting behind her. The pews are filled with friends, colleagues, and students, along with their parents. I have been touched, hugged, promised visits, and offered condolences from people I don’t know. Behind me sits my friends, the ones who saved us. No one here knows what really happened, and the police bought the stray bullet story. They found tracks in the woods and figured it was a hunting bullet gone astray. Not uncommon here.
Ryley wanted to sit next to me, but I told her people would stare. Never, in the years that I’ve been here, have I talked about anyone other than Claire. I don’t want to explain where my sudden barrage of friends came from. This is still my home.
“Most of you know my dad as Mr. Barnes, but to me he was just Dad, except when I wanted something and I would call him Daddy. When I was little he came into my life and showed me what it’s like to be loved by two parents.” Claire has to pause to wipe her tears and clear her voice. She cries softly, making me want to go to her, but I know she needs to do this on her own.
“He taught me how to swing, ride a bike, ski, and use a bow. My dad used to say that I could be an Olympian in Sky Archery. We were just waiting for the snow to fall before we went out again.
“I know you guys are going to miss him as your teacher, or maybe not because he gave really hard tests, but I’m going to miss him for his laugh, the jokes he used to tell me on our way to school, and how he looked at my mom. Every time he saw her, it was like he was seeing her for the first time. I know my dad loved all of his students, even the ones who gave him a hard time, and he’d want his classes to know that he’s proud of all of you.”
I hear sniffling and a few sobs coming from the people surrounding me. When she told me earlier that she was going to speak, I didn’t know what to expect. Watching her now, as she turns toward Ray’s casket, rips my heart into pieces. She doesn’t deserve this.
“Dad, I’m going to miss you so much. Thanks for loving me and helping me grow.”
With those final words, Claire steps down and returns to her seat next to me, burying her face into my side, the sobs she was keeping at bay being absorbed by my body. The minister returns to the pulpit and asks if anyone else would like to say a few things. To my surprise, Tucker stands and walks to the front.
He clears his throat and while I’m staring at him, he’s looking anywhere but me.
“I know no one knows me, but a long time ago Ray did me a favor. It’s a favor I’ll never be able to repay him for. I’m just sorry that I was too late in thanking him.” Tucker bows his head, shaking it slightly. His fingers come to rest against his mouth before I hear an audible intake of air. “Ray, what you did … there are no words for the gratitude I feel.”
I try to fight back the tears, but to no avail. Only the small group of us understand what Tucker means, can fully grasp why he’s saying thank you to Ray. I want to think Tucker would’ve done that anyway, once he met Ray, but I don’t know. SEALs are different from other men; they’re more protective and love more fiercely because they never know if it’s the last time.
People are going to ask who he is and I’m going to lie. It’s what I’m best at. I don’t know if Tucker is going to be a friend from college or some man he helped on the street one day, but I will not tarnish the memory of Ray because of a life I used to live. As easy as it would be to fall back into my old life, to move away from here and start over, I don’t think that’s what Claire wants. She doesn’t even want to be called Claire, and as much as it’s going to hurt Tucker, she’s my priority.
A couple of Ray’s co-workers speak, reminding everyone what a nice, kind, and loving man he was. Their words hit home, stabbing me in an already decimated heart, reminding me that I couldn’t trust him enough to tell him my secret until it was too late. When I received the email from Buzz, I should’ve run. Ray didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve my deceit. All he asked from me is love and I gave it to him, but as I sit here now I don’t think I gave him enough.
The minister says a few parting words and invites everyone to the graveside where my husband will be laid to rest. The cold, shallow, dark dirt will consume the wooden box he lies in and the only thing I’ll be able to do is pray that wherever he is, he’s at peace. The pallbearers pass me and I’m instructed to stand and follow behind. There’s soft music playing in the background but that doesn’t calm the hushed whispers I hear as I pass. Maybe staying here isn’t the right thing to do after all. I could start over, go somewhere tropical where there�
��s crystal blue water and white sandy beaches.
Or I could stay and face my demons. I have no doubt that I’ll be called to testify against Lawson, and when that happens my cover will be up. Everyone will know my name isn’t Amy, but Penelope. Everyone will know that it wasn’t only Ray I was married to, but Tucker also, and the moment he made his presence known my marriage to Ray became null and void.
Choosing between Tucker and Ray would’ve been impossible. It would’ve been heartbreaking and I don’t think I could’ve done it. As much as I love Tucker, Ray’s been there when I’ve been at my worst. He picked me up and showed me how to live.
“Thanks for staying,” I say as I come down the stairs and enter the living room. Over the past few days, the guys worked to remove any trace of Frannie dying on the floor and my husband losing most of his blood on the couch. Rask and Evan put in new flooring, which was needed before Ray’s wake. And Cara and Nate went sofa shopping for me. It’s not something I would’ve picked out, but nonetheless it serves its purpose.
“I would do anything for you, you know that.” Tucker sits on the sofa with his leg crossed over his knee. He turns off the television and watches me as I cross the room. I can feel his eyes on me, the same way I could when we first started dating. The butterflies and minor tremors of excitement I felt back then are still very present. Tucker hasn’t changed much; he’s aged, but who hasn’t? I can still picture him shirtless, with his phoenix tattoo on his shoulder, mowing our lawn. I’d gawk at him, taking in the fine contours of his body. He’d catch me staring, but never say anything. It was like a game for us. Who could go the longest before one of us caved and pounced?
I often lost, but it was worth it.
When Tucker left, we were trying to have another baby. According to Tucker it was practice until the deed was done. Over the years I’ve wondered how our family would’ve turned out if he had come home like he was supposed to. If River hadn’t met and married Frannie, where would we be now? Still in Coronado or would Tucker be retired? Or would I be sitting here today, in another place, mourning my husband?
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