Lookin' For Luv

by Carl Weber

  “What’s that for?” Terri asked, handing Keisha her sneakers.

  “It’s an old street trick. You take Vaseline and put it all over your face and arms like this.” She smeared it liberally over herself. “Then she can’t scratch you or get a good grip if you have to wrestle.”

  “Gimme some so I can help you kick that bitch’s ass,” Terri offered.

  “No, little sister, you stay here. This is between her and me. I don’t want you to let anyone out of the shop until this is over.” She sat in the chair and put her sneakers on, then tied her hair in a ponytail. Taking a deep breath, she walked outside to face her competition.

  Shawna looked at her watch. Antoine was usually home at this time on a Saturday. She was disappointed he wasn’t answering. Reaching into her bag, she pulled out a pen and paper.

  “Ain’t no reason to leave a note, bitch! He’s not gonna call you.”

  “How the fuck do you know?” Shawna asked, surprised by Keisha, who was standing at the bottom of the steps.

  “Because he’s my man now. And after I gave him some, I’m sure he doesn’t want your ass.”

  “You know, Keisha, you’re pathetic. You’re lying just like the first time I met you.”

  “Oh, yeah? Remember that lingerie he bought for the first time you gave him some?” Keisha could see Shawna’s eyes become smaller with anger. “Good thing we wear the same size, ’cause I wore it last night when he made love to me.” She laughed hard as Shawna came running down the stairs.

  “I’m sick of you interfering with Antoine and me. I’m gonna kick your ass all over this goddamn block if I have to, but you’re gonna leave him alone,” Shawna screamed.

  “You still don’t get it! He’s ain’t your man. I’ve been goin’ with him almost two months.” Keisha backed into the street, then landed a hard right hand to Shawna’s jaw.

  Shawna was so angry, she barely felt the blow. Swinging wildly, she tried to scratch Keisha’s eyes out.

  “I’m gonna kill you, bitch! I swear I’m gonna kill you.”

  “I knew you was gonna try and scratch me.” Keisha laughed as Shawna’s wild swinging made her fall on the ground. “You ain’t gonna kill shit!” She kicked her ribs.

  Bending over to catch her breath, Keisha waited for Shawna to get up, then ran at her as fast as she could. Shawna hit Keisha with a blow harder than she had ever felt from another woman.

  “You don’t know how much I hate you,” Shawna screamed, punching Keisha repeatedly. “You’ve brought out a part of me I’ve tried to hide for years.”

  Keisha fell backward from the barrage of blows to her head. Grabbing Shawna’s hair to soften her fall, she hit the pavement hard when Shawna’s weave ripped out of her head.

  “Damn, you look like a man with no hair,” she jeered.

  “Just ’cause I don’t fuck around don’t make me less than you. I’m just as much woman as you and more, bitch!” Shawna was enraged now. She dove on top of Keisha.

  Roberta sat in Shawna’s car, laughing, as she watched the fight.

  If that chick knew what I know, she wouldn’t be fucking with Shawna. Damn, she getting her ass kicked!

  Still recovering from the punches she had taken, Keisha closed her eyes when she saw Shawna leap to finish the job she had started.

  Damn, this bitch fights just like a man, she thought Defensively she stuck her foot out to try to soften the blow of Shawna’s weight and accidentally caught the tall woman in the groin. Surprised when she no longer felt Shawna’s punches, Keisha opened her eyes and tried to get up. Catching a glimpse of Shawna balled up on the ground, she limped over to a metal trash can and grabbed the lid.

  “Get up, bitch!” she screamed at Shawna, who had her hands between her legs. “I wanna see your nappy ass smile when I knock you out!” Taking hold of what was left of Shawna’s hair, Keisha drew back the trash-can lid and pounded it into her head. She was about to hit her again with the lid but was stopped when Roberta grabbed it from her, throwing it in the street.

  “That’s enough! Can’t you see she can’t defend herself after you kicked her in the nuts?”

  Keisha froze. “Nuts! What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “Oh, Roberta, what have you done?” Shawna moaned weakly, trying to stand.

  Roberta helped her friend up. “Girl, you ain’t got nothing to be ashamed of. Even with a dick, you look better than this bitch.”

  Terri and a few girls from the shop came running out when they saw Roberta. “Keisha, you all right? I see her big-ass friend had to save her.”

  “This ain’t over by a long shot, Keisha,” Shawna said as Roberta helped her into her car.

  “Oh, it’s over. I can’t wait for Antoine to get home tomorrow so I can tell him what you really are!” Keisha threatened before Roberta closed the car door and sped away.

  “What was that all about?” Terri asked.

  “Nothin’. I just got myself mixed up in some Jerry Springer-type shit.” Keisha walked slowly into her shop. Every bone in her body ached.

  Later that night Keisha sat in her bed, thinking about the day’s events. She had soaked for an hour in Epsom salts, so her pain had lessened a bit, but she knew she would be sore for days. And to top it off, she missed Antoine. She was wearing his sweatshirt as a nightgown and lit his pipe so that the room would feel as if he’d been there. She frowned. This had been the first time they had not slept together since they made love a month before, and she was lonely. Things had gone so well for them in the past two months. He had courted her in the most romantic way, taking her to shows and poetry readings all over the city. He even joined her book club to spend more time with her. But the thing Keisha considered most romantic was that every afternoon he would come home from work with something special for her. There were days he brought flowers, and on others just a special poem, but no matter what he brought, she waited like a schoolgirl for him to come home.

  Keisha had given much thought to her discovery about Shawna’s true identity. She had come to the conclusion that this news was a million times worse than if she had just been a stripper. Now Keisha was worried about what the revelation of Shawna’s true gender could do to Antoine’s ego. After much indecision, she thought it would be best to keep it a secret. She hoped she was doing the right thing.

  While she was resting her bruised body, she tried to figure out how she would explain her injuries when Antoine returned from his fishing trip. The doorbell rang, and Keisha walked slowly to the door, feeling twinges of pain with each step.

  “Who is it?”

  “Shawna,”

  “What the hell do you want?” Keisha was just too tired to fight anymore and couldn’t believe Shawna was back for more.

  “We need to talk, Keisha. Please let me in.”

  “We ain’t got shit to talk about, mister.” Keisha took hold of the baseball bat she kept by the door, then opened it. She made sure Shawna could see the bat.

  “I didn’t come here to fight.” Shawna was watching the bat very carefully. “We need to talk about Antoine.”

  “There is nothing to talk about. After I tell him you’re a man, he’s probably gonna wanna blacken that other eye for you.”

  “That’s what I want to talk to you about. Look, can I come in and explain? You have my word I won’t cause any trouble.”

  Keisha thought about it a second and figured Shawna was probably just as sore as she was. She probably wouldn’t be much of a threat even if she did try to start something. She stepped back and let Shawna enter her apartment.

  Shawna groaned in pain as she seated herself in the recliner in Keisha’s living room. Keisha positioned herself on the arm of the couch so she could get a good swing just in case she tried to get funny.

  “Well, you wanted to talk, so talk.” Keisha folded her arms.

  “Look, Keisha, I know you don’t like me. The truth is, I can’t stand you either. But the one thing we have in common is that we both love Antoine. I don’t want
to hurt him.”

  “Don’t you think you should have thought about that before you let him get involved with your transvestite self?”

  “I don’t know, maybe you’re right. But I fell for him so fast, I couldn’t stop myself. I just never found the right way to tell him, and then things just got too deep.”

  Keisha shuddered at the thought of Antoine with another man, but she could understand why Shawna had fallen for him so quickly. It had been the same way for her, and in a strange way she almost had sympathy for Shawna. Quickly she banished any kind thoughts from her head and confronted Shawna.

  “So what does your fucked-up story have to do with me anyway? As far as I see it, I don’t owe you anything, and we really have nothin’ to say to each other.”

  “Well, Keisha, I was hoping you could understand how much I love Antoine.”

  “Mmm-hmm. But he’s mine now. I thought we already discussed this on the sidewalk.”

  “No, no, no. I’m not here to fight about him anymore. I love him more than anything, but I know how much it would devastate him to find out he was living a lie. I’m here to beg you not to tell him about me.”

  Keisha was skeptical. “Sure. I keep your little secret, and you try to get right back into his life behind my back. Is that how it works?”

  “Not at all.” Shawna sounded defeated and tired. “My only concern is sparing Antoine any pain. So if you keep this secret, I swear to you, I’ll leave him alone. I’ll just disappear, and neither one of you will ever hear from me again.”

  “Nothing would make me happier.” Keisha grinned wickedly. She was not about to tell her she had already made that decision not to tell Antoine, especially when Shawna was promising to get lost for good.

  Shawna stood up to leave. “Well, Keisha, I wish things were different, but if I can’t have Antoine for myself, I just hope you do everything you can to make that man happy. He really deserves it, you know.”

  “I know that.” Keisha opened the door for Shawna. “Can you answer one question for me before you go?”

  Shawna nodded.

  “Why did you accept his wedding proposal if you knew you couldn’t marry him? I mean, you’re a goddamn guy, for crying out loud. Sooner or later he was gonna find out you don’t have the right equipment.”

  “You don’t understand. I could have married Antoine. My enemy wasn’t you, or even this penis between my legs. My enemy was time. If I could have kept our relationship together for three more months, I would have been just as much a woman as you. I’m scheduled for my operation on August twenty-ninth. Then I could have quit my job at the Men’s Club and married the man I love.” Shawna touched her crotch. “But even if I can’t have him, I still can’t wait to get rid of this thing for good!”

  “You’re gonna get a sex change?” Keisha couldn’t believe that this just kept getting deeper.

  “I don’t expect you to understand this, Keisha, but I am a woman. A woman trapped in this hideous masculine body.” She began to cry. “I can’t explain how much I hate myself. I wake every morning afraid to look in the mirror because I might see some hair growing on my face. Sometimes I can’t even leave my house. All I’ve ever wanted was to be a woman and find some man to love me for me.”

  In a strange way Keisha felt sorry for Shawna. No one should have to live life that confused. But as she said good-bye and closed the door, she was glad it was the last time she would ever have to see Shawna Dean.

  32

  KEVIN, DENISE, AND ALICIA

  It was 1:30 when Kevin walked into the Court House Bar and Grill in downtown Brooklyn. Normally the restaurant would be packed with lawyers, court stenographers, and the like on their lunch breaks. But it was a Saturday, and Kevin was impressed that the place was still so crowded. He figured it was either a testament to the quality of the restaurant, or all of the patrons were workaholics who were in the area even on a Saturday. Squeezing his way down the crowded area by the bar, he found Denise and her friend Liz chatting with two rather preppy white guys.

  “Hey, baby” Denise wrapped her arms around him and kissed him passionately. She made sure both men had a good view when their tongues met. “Kevin, this is Bradley and Ken. Bradley’s a partner at the Wilks and Barnes law firm, and Ken’s one of his associates”

  Denise grinned devilishly as Bradley reluctantly shook Kevin’s hand. He and Ken had been trying to put the moves on her and Liz for almost forty-five minutes, running up a tab of almost a hundred and fifty dollars on expensive champagne. In most cases when men showed interest in Denise, she would politely let them know that she was involved in a relationship. But Bradley had rubbed her the wrong way from the start as he bragged about how many “murdering brothers” he had helped set free on technicalities.

  “Oh, Kevin, Bradley just invited Liz and me to his summer place in Bridgehampton next weekend. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I brought the love of my life, my little chocolate star. Would you, Bradley?” Bradley’s face became beet red, but before he could answer, Liz chimed in.

  “Wait a minute now. If you get to bring Kevin, I know Bradley won’t mind if I bring my new boyfriend, Malik.” Liz looked directly at Kenny, a short, stout, balding man, as she poured another glass of champagne. “You’re gonna love him, Kenny. He looks just like Busta Rhymes, the rap star.”

  “Well, look at the time,” Bradley announced, pretending to consult his watch. “We have reservations at the Chelsea Piers driving range. Come on, Kenny.” He reached into his pocket and threw two hundred-dollar bills on the bar. “Listen, we’ll give you two a call about next weekend.” Both he and Kenny disappeared into the crowd.

  Denise and Liz looked at each other and burst into laughter. Both of them knew that was the last time they would hear from either one of the men, and they were glad.

  “I don’t know what just happened, but somehow I think those guys got the bad end of it.” Kevin joined in on their laughter as Liz poured him a glass of champagne.

  After sharing small talk for about ten minutes, Liz checked the time on her beeper. “Yo, it’s been great hanging out with y’all. But I think it’s about time I went home and checked on my man.” They hugged their good-byes, and she left the bar.

  “Well, I guess it’s just you and me,” Denise whispered, kissing Kevin’s ear. “How about we find a table and have some lunch?”

  They walked into the dining room to be seated. As they waited for their meals to arrive, Denise told him about the new truck she was going to pick up for him. Originally she had agreed to help only with the down payment, but things had changed. When he had argued with his mother, Denise knew that it was time to make her move to separate him even more from his family. She sensed that there was still some underlying pressure from his mother and sisters for him to find a black woman. The only way she could be sure to stop this pressure was to get them out of Kevin’s life completely. So far the financial route seemed to be doing the job, so she continued on that track. Without telling Kevin she had prepaid a three-year lease on a customized Ford Expedition in his name.

  “So why don’t we pick up the truck around noon tomorrow?” Denise’s voice was filled with excitement.

  “Look, Denise, I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, and I don’t know if I can accept the truck.”

  “Why not?” The excitement had left her voice. “Please, don’t give me that crap about you don’t wanna use me, okay?”

  “Denise, it’s just that people are starting to ask if I’m dating you for the money.”

  “People, or Antoine and Tyrone,? You know your friends should mind their own damn business.” Denise threw her napkin on the table.

  “It’s not just them, Denise. I’m not even speaking to my mama ’cause of this truck.”

  “I can’t help it if I have more money than you, Kevin. What am I supposed to do, sit back and let my man live out of boxes or drive a car that’s gonna break down when he drives around the corner? I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

&nbs
p; Kevin became quiet. He had to admit, her argument was sound. Denise took hold of his hand.

  “I love you, Kevin. You’re the most kindhearted man I’ve ever met. If you want me to stop helping you, I will. But look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t do the same for me if you had the money.” Denise smiled when he didn’t answer. “I thought so. You know what your problem is? You need to talk to me about our problems instead of your friends.”

  Suddenly Denise’s face became whiter than snow as she noticed a tall, well-dressed man in his late fifties standing near the door, helping a young woman put on her coat. Denise really panicked when he started to walk toward their table.

  “Oh, shit! What is he doing here?” The words escaped her mouth before she could stop them.

  “What’s going on?” Kevin asked, preparing himself for some type of physical confrontation as he turned to see the man.

  “Denise, honey, is that you?” her father asked.

  “Hi, Daddy. I didn’t even see you walk over,” she lied, smiling falsely at her father. “What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were going down to the Jersey Shore to play golf.”

  Stephen Shwartz glanced nervously over at his twenty-year-old mistress standing by the door. The last thing he wanted was for his daughter to mention this to his wife.

  “To be honest, pumpkin, I just said that to your mother to get away. I needed to work on the Samson case and I didn’t want your mother nagging me about working too hard.” He gave his daughter a fatherly smile, then turned his attention to Kevin, giving him an obvious glare. “I thought you and Liz were headed for the mountains.”

  “Oh, yeah, well, I had to meet with a client myself.” Denise looked at Kevin sadly, knowing that the words she was about to say would hurt him. “Daddy, this is Kevin Brown. Remember? I told you about representing his family down in Virginia.” She raised her eyebrows as she looked at Kevin, pleading with him to understand, though she knew he wouldn’t.

  “Oh, yes, pleased to meet you, Mr. Brown.” He offered Kevin his hand, oblivious of his daughter’s lie. “I’m really glad Denise was able to help your sister with her insurance problem. It’s always the charity work my firm does that seems the most rewarding. Isn’t that right, sweetheart?” Stephen Shwartz smiled proudly at his daughter.