She turned toward her room.
“Where are you going?” Cordelia asked, dogging her heels. “Lily, stop.”
Lily stopped but didn’t turn. Cordelia came around her, studied her face closely. “What are you about?”
Lily pressed her lips inward.
“Whatever it is, it will go better if I help.”
Her sister, help?
“Please. Let me do this. Let me help you.” Cordelia’s pleas soothed the rough edges of old wounds. The soft remorse in her tone made it clear that the past could become the past if Lily would only agree.
She nodded. “All right. But I need to change my clothes.”
A visit to Newgate required something other than a pink day gown.
Chapter Thirty
“My lady, we shouldn’t be here,” Howard, the young but bulky footman they had brought along said for the fourth time.
Lily and Cordelia stood outside Newgate, with the soggy clip clops of horses and carriages traveling on muddy streets providing an endless beat behind them.
“Are you sure this will work?” Lily asked her sister.
“It is morbid to gawk at the poor souls in the condemned cells as though they were circus animals, but it is done far more often by those in our circle than you might think,” Cordelia replied with a grimace.
“But Robert isn’t condemned to death.” The very thought sent bile into her throat. “He won’t be in those cells. He hasn’t even gone to trial.”
“Paying for a viewing is the only thing that will get us in the door without an order of admission. And you don’t have time to coerce a judge to give you one,” Cordelia continued. “When we’re inside, we’ll offer the turnkey an incentive to let you speak with Robert alone. Money is the language they hear.”
Cordelia didn’t expand on how she had gained her knowledge, and Lily didn’t ask. She offered Howard an apologetic glance. Lily could see his fear in the set of his frown, the wide low slung of his brow. The poor boy was petrified that something would happen to them, and guilt pressed against the knots already tied in her stomach.
But she gave a nod to Cordelia. No turning away now.
The imposing prison loomed before them, and they crossed the yard to stand at the wood door that led to the Keeper’s Lodge. Lily’s hands trembled, and she tightened her fists.
She was terrified of what was on the other side of those walls. Of the prison, what she might see, hear and what Robert’s reaction would expose.
Who Robert would be happiest to see.
That should be the last thing on her mind right then. But he had agreed to a divorce. He had planned to let her leave, even if he’d said it was for her safety. What if that had been his truth to tell?
He’d told her he loved her, yes. But that niggling worry in the pit of her stomach, the uncertainty that had been a constant companion through their marriage, raged inside and made it impossible to believe his words.
At the lodge-gate, they were stopped by a man smaller in stature than one would expect in a prison guard, yet his face had been carved into hallows and lines of a man who had seen the worst in life on a daily basis.
He held a hand out to stop them. “Have you an order of admission?” He squinted at the footman they had dragged along with them.
Cordelia stepped forward. “We wish to view the condemned.”
It didn’t appear their words had registered by his lack of reaction, then a grin split his face, but it was far from merry. Half of his teeth were missing, and it lent an air of meanness to the grim smile. “That kind, are ye?” He shrugged. “It’ll cost.”
Cordelia handed him a small bag. “I believe you will find this more than sufficient a fee for your time.”
Not one to lessen his greed, the man peered inside. With a grunt, he opened another massive gate across from where they had entered. “Follow me.”
Needles of dread pricked at Lily’s neck. Even with Howard close behind them, the dark, stone walls of the passage they trod through made her question her sense. The turnkey had grabbed a candle, but the minimal light did little more than cast shadows in the shapes of grotesque monsters that jabbed as they moved past them.
Lily stepped closer to her sister, and Cordelia laced an arm through Lily’s and huddled tight as they walked in silence. Words had little place in the deep recesses of this forsaken place. They followed the man through the passages, left, then right, another right—or had it been two rights, then a left?—until Lily knew she was well and lost. Should the guard abandon them, she could only imagine wandering the dark, dank corridors of this place. Unease sent chills up her arms.
They came up to another gate and another turnkey unlocked it from the inner side. The heavy door swung open.
The turnkey from the lodge gate stopped, leaned toward the other guard. “Condemned viewing.”
The gate’s guard snorted. “Aye, we’ve had a few of those this week.” He looked them over. “They look as if they ’ave blunt to spare.”
The looks of greed that twisted the guards’ expressions clanged inside of her like alarms. She wanted out of this place as soon as possible, but she couldn’t allow them to control the visit.
She stepped forward.
“There is a specific prisoner I wish an audience with.” Her assertive tone hid the fact that her legs were shaking and the drab gown she’d donned had become damp with sweat.
“Who ye be wanting?” the other guard, the one stationed at this dreary gate, asked. He eyed them both with a look of hungry greed.
“Mr. Robert Melrose.”
The guards glanced at each other.
“There is payment plenty for both of you if you could provide me with a private place to talk with him.” Her hands began to shake and she fisted them to hide it. Fear trampled her insides.
The guards conferred with each other, and Lily knew they were calculating how much they could get. Lily had dressed as plainly as possible, as had Cordelia, but nothing could hide the richness of their fabrics or the culture in their voices.
“Is it true he’s related to a couple of titles?” one guard asked.
“We wouldn’t know,” Cordelia said before Lily could reply. “We’re not acquainted with his family. As my sister said, we can pay a generous sum for a visit. Can you make it happen or do we need to locate the governor himself and ask? We have twenty pounds to offer. You can split it between you, or lose it altogether to the governor.”
The threat of going over their heads to the governor of the prison—or more probable the loss of potential income—spurred them into movement.
In minutes, they were crossing a courtyard. They walked up a narrow flight of stairs and were taken to an empty room.
“Wait ’ere.” The man looked at them with flat disinterest, waiting for their entry into the cell.
Lily looked about the dreary room. The room was barren, the walls the same dark stone as the corridors they’d walked through. Nothing of any consequence remained in the small space. If they walked in there, would they be able to come out? Fear flickered in her belly. They were trusting these men, who had already proven they could be bought.
Cordelia looked at Lily. “Howard and I will wait outside the door. You go in and wait for Robert.”
“No.”
“But—”
“I want you to see him, Cordelia.”
“Why? I already told you…”Cordelia’s words trailed. “You want him to see me.” When Lily didn’t answer, Cordelia shook her head. “Why? Why would you do this to yourself?”
“Because I have to know. I have to be certain.”
Lily examined the door. The upper half was made of a large glassless window framed with bars. It wouldn’t be private, but it would do. She could watch Robert arrive.
She would see where his gaze went, whom he looked to. It was petty and childish. But she needed not to wonder, not to feel as though she weren’t quite enough.
A scuffle sounded down the corridor, and they tu
rned. The turnkey appeared and gestured behind him. Two large men held on to Robert’s arms and brought him toward them.
Lily funneled her fear into a deep breath and forced her head up. Robert watched her, panic and anger stretching his features into a grim mask of pain.
“Lily, what the hell are you doing here? How did you get here?” His gaze never wavered from her and his body twisted to maintain eye contact, as the guards took him past her into the room.
Lily turned to follow. She stepped toward the room, stopped when Cordelia placed a hand on her arm.
“You didn’t need me, you know.” Cordelia nodded toward Robert. “He doesn’t even know I’m here.”
The turnkey stood at the door. “Ye’ll have fifteen minutes, but I hafta lock you in.”
Cordelia crossed her arms. “My footman and I will stay out here and settle accounts.”
Lily stepped just past the doorway. The whish and thunk of the door being closed sounded like thunder, and the click of the key turning jarred as much as a bolt of lightning. She sucked in a deep breath.
“Lily, you shouldn’t be here.” Robert’s voice held a heartbreaking weariness.
Lily had seen him unkempt, she’d seen him after he strolled into their house after a night of God-knew-what. She’d seen him with the usual air of indifference to his life.
He wasn’t indifferent now.
“This is no place for you. I don’t want you here.”
She stepped in. “I don’t believe you.” Her bravado was far more certain than she was. “I had to see you.”
“To revel in your freedom?” he snapped, then took another step toward her.
“Is that something you think I would do?”
She didn’t move, her heart had stopped and only jumped forward with his movement. She couldn’t seem to breathe.
His head dropped. “No.”
“How did this happen? Was this what you thought would happen to you? Is this why you told me to leave?”
“No. This…this was not how I thought it would go. I don’t know what happened, but I have my suspicions Marcus has something to do with it.”
“Your brother put you here on purpose? Why would he do that?”
Her heart broke for the betrayal that flashed in the depths of his eyes, in the deep lines etched in his face. It sagged his shoulders in a way she’d never seen.
His pride had disintegrated.
“He blames me for Cary’s death. He’s right. I caused it. It was my actions that led to my brother’s death. To Edwin’s death. I have no other choice but to believe that.”
“Edwin is dead?” A punch of shock hit her, and she pressed her hand over her heart.
Robert nodded.
“Marcus wouldn’t leave you here. It isn’t right—”
“He believes I should be punished for my misdeeds, and who is to say he’s wrong? We brokered a deal with the Bank of England. I turned in all the evidence I had, I led them to the gang. I agreed to testify against Kane and shut down his forgery gang. It would have been a big coup for the Bank, for Marcus’s committee, for the Runners,” he said with a thread of bitterness. “For that, I was to remain free. But they arrested me along with the others.”
“It was a mistake, it had to be. Adam said he’d get to the bottom of it.” Cordelia had been right. Adam might have threatened, but he’d never let this stand.
“Marcus would not have erred without intent. My brother got what he wanted, and he intends to let me hang.”
“That can’t be true.”
“What else am I to think? How else could this have gone wrong? It had to be intentional. I haven’t done anything to earn his loyalty. Or yours.” Somewhere in the last few syllables, Robert had come to stand less than a foot away. He watched her with a startling honesty in his face. “It is time for me to face the consequences of what I’ve done.”
”We can hire a barrister, a solicitor, bribe the Prince Regent, I don’t know.” She paused, unable to speak for the lump that had grown in her throat. “You can’t give up!”
“You cannot stay here. You will be on that ship, where you are safe. I will not let you watch me die.”
“Don’t talk this way.”
“I am being realistic. I earned this.”
“No, you didn’t. You—”
“Lily, stop!” His hands came to her shoulders. “Yes, my sweet love.” Her heart stopped at his softness. “I earned this. In doing so I squandered the one thing I should have given my body and soul to protect. Instead, I sold myself to the devil.”
Her heart held still, afraid to beat again lest she misunderstood.
His hand came to her cheek. “I should have fought for you. I thought I was doing that when I told you to leave, when I offered you a divorce, when I told you to get on the ship today. It kept you safe. I realize now, it kept me safe. It kept me from feeling. I should have fought for us.”
Her heart ached at the sad resignation in his voice. “Fight now. Don’t give up.”
She put a hand on his chest and startled at the spark she felt.
Her touch was all he needed. His arms came about her, and he buried his face in her neck. “God, you smell so sweet. I wish I was a better man. I wish I had something to offer other than misery. I wish I had realized, told you that you are the center of my heart. If I had the time I would spend the rest of our lives showing you, proving it to you. I don’t have that time, but I need you to believe me anyway.”
She held tight to him, held tight to his words. She wanted to believe him, so much. She wanted to trust.
Then he pulled back, stepped away.
She moved toward him, needing his warmth again, but he put a hand out. “No.”
“But, Robert—”
“Your ship leaves today.”
“I am not leaving you.”
“You have to, damn it. When they captured me, Kane got away. He has to protect his position, protect his value to the captain. He’ll come for you when—if he can’t get to me. I can’t protect you in here. I gave the authorities all the evidence they needed. If they try me for forgery, I will hang.”
Frustration swam in her eyes, blurring her vision. “Don’t say that.”
“I am done lying. There’ve been enough lies offered under the guise of protecting people. We’ve done enough keeping the truth from each other.”
Lily’s gaze slipped to the door, where Cordelia stood outside. The questions were on the tip of her tongue, the need for answers wrapped around her like a wet blanket but fear pressed her lips together.
“Ask.”
“This isn’t the time or place.”
“This is the only time or place.” He took a deep breath. “There is no future for us. If Marcus has betrayed me, there is no way out of this.”
His frank belief that he’d never leave this place caught her off guard and swirled the thoughts in her head like a spinning top. “No. This can’t be…there has to be a way.”
“Stop being so bloody noble,” he ordered. “We have fifteen minutes and then they will come and take me away, put me back in my cell. I need to know you can put this life behind you when you walk out of here. So ask your damn question!”
“Did you want to marry me?” she blurted.
“Yes. Lily, I am a criminal. Do you truly believe I would do anything I didn’t want to do, scandal be damned?”
Shock stole the words from her. “But…”
“You were this ray of hope in a life that hadn’t any.”
“That night we were caught…” She stopped, unable to ask the question. Belief she wasn’t his first choice had defined her for so long, and she knew his answer, especially the wrong one, would define her future.
“I came for you,” he said frankly. “I received both letters but you were the one I wanted to see. I’ll be honest, I’m not even sure I knew that then. I didn’t believe in much then, except my own righteous anger. Cordelia had a hold on me, but it wasn’t love. That night, as upset as I was at
being told whom to marry, I wasn’t sorry it was you. That told me where my feelings lay. I never felt for your sister what I feel for you.”
“I thought…” The small thread of joy she felt was overshadowed by the disintegration of their marriage. How had that happened if he’d wanted her? She may have pieced together what she thought had happened, but what if she was wrong?
Robert ran a hand through his hair. “I wasn’t a good man when we met, Lily. I was bitter, entitled to my fury. These past weeks, I was free of the years of anger, of betrayal, of pain I carried around with me. It gave me the ability to see how those emotions pushed me into decision after decision.
“I was ignored,” he continued. “I know that sounds petty. But you cannot imagine how it feels to a child to have no attention whatsoever. You feel so small, so invisible. It’s a total lack of love, one I lived with my entire life, and I watched my brothers be fawned over, by our mother, by our father. By the servants. They took their cues from my mother. I was nothing of consequence. My mother said that—‘nothing of any consequence’— before she turned and lavished my brother with praise.” He grimaced.
“My brothers did nothing but send me away. To protect me, I’m learning, but this is what I mean. Protecting someone doesn’t always turn out as expected. I don’t want to be protected. I won’t do that to you. The only thing I can offer you now is the truth.
“When we met, I was filled with a bitterness, with an anger so deep, my view of the world was tinted with rage.” He lifted a hand to her cheek, and the warmth in his hand singed her. “You were good and warm, a dream of everything I never believed I was worthy of having.”
Tears filled her eyes. “But you are.”
“No, I’m not,” he replied with an aching tone of regret. “If I had been, I would have behaved differently when we lost the baby. My mother died at the same time, and the rage I felt at her became wrapped in the grief at what I’d lost. I couldn’t separate them. I couldn’t see past my own selfishness.”
She put her hand over his and leaned into it. “We aren’t so different.”
His bark of laughter disagreed.
“I wasn’t ignored, I was loved. But I was nothing special in a family that felt like everything special. Until you saw me.”
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