Jacob Wonderbar for President of the Universe

by Nathan Bransford

  He felt a hand on his shoulder. “You can do this,” Dexter said. “I know you can.”

  He felt another hand on his other shoulder. Rufus screeched in his ear.

  Jacob slammed the manual override button and took the wheel. He shoved it forward and the ship creaked to a stop before it started heading in the right direction again. He swung back and forth in erratic arcs just in case the Valkyrians were thinking of hitting them with a bolt that made Praiseworthy even crazier.

  “Haw-yee! Wonderbar Master flying good very!” Praiseworthy said.

  Jacob was getting used to the controls, and he started to relax. He could do this. He wasn’t going to destroy the universe.

  A voice filled the cockpit. “You might as well surrender,” Patrick Gravy said. “We’ll get you soon enough.”

  Jacob yelled, “Praiseworthy, tell them they won’t catch me in a million years, and when I’m president they’re going to pay for this!”

  “To happy be would I!” Praiseworthy exclaimed.

  Jacob wasn’t feeling as confident as he sounded. The Valkyrians were proving relentless, and they would clearly do anything to get him. He wasn’t sure how long he could outlast a crazy group of highly trained commandos, and Mick was probably even more motivated to stop him now that Jacob was gaining on him in the polls. They needed to get somewhere they could hide out.

  “Catalina, check the maps and find out where we are,” Jacob said.

  A bright gold beam shot out in front of the cockpit window. “That was close!” Dexter yelled. Jacob swung hard to the right.

  “Oh!” Catalina said. “We’re close to Planet Blueprint. Jacob, head in a forty-five-degree angle at full throttle.”

  Jacob did as he was told. Maybe they could get help. “What’s Planet Blueprint?” he asked.

  “It’s where all the construction workers live,” Catalina said.

  Everything was silent for a moment, until Dexter sighed loudly.

  “Oh no,” he said.

  Sarah sat alone in her room on Planet Royale. She felt completely and totally miserable, and she was on one of her least favorite planets. There was absolutely nothing to do besides relax, which just happened to be the thing Sarah liked doing least in the entire universe.

  She had accidentally offended just about everyone in the Astral world. Mick had dumped her from the campaign. She had nowhere to turn. She thought about going home, back to her family, back to her sister The Brat and piano lessons and ballet practice and soccer matches, but there was something that was stopping her from getting on a spaceship and heading home.

  Sarah Daisy was not a person who just gave up.

  Sure, her career as a future vice president was over, but there were still crazy Astrals out there who wanted to destroy Earth, and she wasn’t about to let them destroy her planet without putting up a fight. Jacob Wonderbar was now Earth’s only hope. Sarah felt sad when she thought about him winning and never coming back home to Earth and being president, but if that was the tradeoff for having a planet to go home to, she knew what she had to do. She had to help Jacob Wonderbar win.

  Sarah tried calling him on her Telly, but he wasn’t picking up. She tried Dexter, and he didn’t pick up either.

  She wasn’t about to call Princess Pointyhead. She stared at her phone and tried to figure out what to do.

  Praiseworthy.

  She called Praiseworthy, who picked up with a yelp, and Sarah suddenly found herself in the cockpit. She saw Jacob at the wheel of the spaceship, and Princess Catalina, Dexter, and a monkey were holding on tightly. Sarah was alarmed that Jacob was driving the ship, and she scrambled over to the cockpit window to see if he was about to crash into something. She was quite surprised to see that he was actually driving rather well.

  “Daisy Mistress!” Praiseworthy yelled. “Trouble in are we!”

  Sarah looked at the ceiling. “What?”

  “Backward talking I’m. It help can’t I.”

  “You’re talking backward?”

  “Understand you’d knew I. Intelligent so you’re! Friends we’re glad so I’m, Daisy Mistress, oh!”

  “Praiseworthy, don’t talk to Sarah!” Jacob shouted, but he was soon distracted as a bright bolt almost grazed the ship out in space. Someone was shooting at them.

  “How far until Planet Blueprint?!” Dexter yelped.

  “Not far!” Princess Catalina said.

  Sarah didn’t even have to ask Praiseworthy who was chasing them. It was definitely the Valkyrians, and Sarah was sure that Mick Cracken was behind it. Now that Mick was tanking in the polls thanks to her gaffe, the only way he had to still win the election was to kidnap Jacob Wonderbar and put him out of commission.

  “Praiseworthy, what’s Planet Blueprint?”

  “Live workers construction where planet the it’s. Royale Planet from away hours Earth four only it’s. Us help please, Daisy Mistress!”

  Sarah closed her eyes and concentrated in order to decipher what Praiseworthy was saying. It’s where the construction workers lived. They needed her help. It was only four Earth hours away.

  “I’m on it!” she shouted. “End call.”

  Sarah found herself back in her room on Planet Royale. She ran down the hall toward the spaceport where the spaceship Lucy was parked, and she smiled for the first time since she had said the word “alien.”

  Her political career may have been down the tubes, but at least she could try to save Jacob Wonderbar. Even if he didn’t want her to.

  Jacob Wonderbar wasn’t pleased that crazed Valkyrians had forced them to land on a planet of construction workers. But at least they had the monkeys.

  When Boris sensed that Jacob, Catalina, and Dexter were in trouble, he planted himself by Jacob’s side and never let him stray too far. He screeched orders to the other monkeys, and they began scrambling around and jumping up and down and throwing things around the hold.

  Between Jacob’s expert piloting and Praiseworthy’s rocket boosters, they had managed to put some distance between themselves and the Valkyrians, but they wouldn’t have much time before the commandos arrived.

  Jacob nodded to Catalina and Dexter. Dexter punched the button that opened the door, and they stepped out onto Planet Blueprint. They had landed in a field adjacent to a large city, where nearly every building was covered in varying types of scaffolding, from metal frames covered in blue mesh to bamboo improbably stretching high into the air. There were cranes everywhere, and Jacob had never heard the sound of so many jackhammers in his life. The nearest buildings under construction had wooden fences protecting the site around ground level, and burly men and women were peeking through the holes, trying to get a glimpse at the building taking shape behind the walls.

  There was a man standing near Praiseworthy wearing blue jeans and a flannel shirt. He had a thick mustache and a bit of a belly, and he was carrying a large thermos. Dozens of tools dangled from a large leather belt around his waist.

  “Sir,” Jacob said. “Can you help us? We’re being chased! We need help.”

  The man reached out and rapped on the side of Praiseworthy’s hull with his knuckles, then grunted in approval. Boris thumped the ground threateningly, but the construction worker didn’t seem to notice.

  “What you got here, a TCX-45?” the man asked.

  “Um,” Jacob said. “I don’t really know.”

  The man looked at Jacob like he was rather dumb. “You mean to tell me you don’t know the make and model of the ship you’re driving?” the man asked.

  Jacob blushed in embarrassment. It probably was something he should know. But there wasn’t time to stop and chat about it.

  “Wait a second, aren’t you that Earther that’s running for president?” the man asked.

  “Yes, but—”

  The man sniffed. “I’m not voting for someone who doesn’t know what kind of spaceship he’s driving.”

  There was a sudden roar in the sky, and Jacob saw the three Valkyrian ships entering the atmos
phere. They had to hurry.

  “Go! Go!” he shouted.

  Jacob, Dexter, Catalina, and the monkeys started running through the field, but one of the Valkyrian ships quickly swooped down and landed in front of them. Its gleaming golden hull and eagle-like shape were quite intimidating.

  Jacob spun around in frustration and saw the other two ships land on the other side of the field. They were surrounded, and he knew they were sitting ducks standing in the field. They had arrived on Planet Blueprint too late, and now they were trapped. Boris stepped forward and beat his chest in the direction of the Valkyrian ship.

  Jacob motioned to the others to run back to Praiseworthy. At least they could try to blast off again.

  “Hey!” the construction worker standing near Praiseworthy said when the children approached. “Are those Valkyrians?”

  “Yes!” Jacob shouted.

  “We don’t like Valkyrians here,” the construction worker said.

  “Why?” Dexter asked.

  “Dexter, we don’t have time to talk,” Jacob said.

  “Those Valkyrians are always blowing things up,” the construction worker said. “We like to build stuff.”

  “Maybe you can help us!” Dexter said.

  “We don’t have time,” Jacob said. “We need to get out of here!”

  “Hang on there, kid!” The man signaled to Jacob for time. He reached around to the back of his tool belt and then showed the children a roll of duct tape, which he held carefully, as if it were a priceless, holy object. “We’ve got this,” the man whispered.

  He ran off in the direction of the nearest construction site.

  Jacob shook his head. He didn’t know how a construction worker was going to stop blaster-toting soldiers, no matter how many magical qualities duct tape possessed.

  “Maybe we should surrender,” Catalina said quietly.

  Jacob immediately shook his head. “No way.”

  “They have us surrounded! What are we supposed to do?”

  “Attention space monkeys!” a booming voice said from one of the Valkyrian ships. “We have one million bananas waiting for you on board. Come and get them!”

  One of the small monkeys immediately began scrambling toward the Valkyrians. Boris rushed after him angrily and then smacked him over the head. The smaller monkey sheepishly followed Boris back toward Praiseworthy.

  Jacob tried to think of how they could get away. They didn’t have any weapons, and they wouldn’t be able to blast off without the Valkyrians shooting them out of the sky.

  “Correction, space monkeys!” the booming voice said. “We have one billion bananas waiting for you! Banana now! Banana now!”

  Boris jumped up and down and began running toward the Valkyrian ship. The other monkeys followed him.

  “Boris, no!” Jacob shouted. He couldn’t bear to think of the smug look on Patrick Gravy’s face now that the space monkeys had deserted him.

  When the monkeys reached the Valkyrians, instead of heading for the hold, they scrambled onto the ship. Then they began hitting it as hard as they could, denting the hull and splintering the glass on the cockpit.

  “Ha-ha!” Dexter shouted. “Get ’em!”

  Rufus swung from one of the ship’s blasters and bent it into an odd angle.

  But Jacob heard a commotion coming from one of the other ships, and a dozen commandos ran out, doing somersaults and shouting “Cover me!” and pointing their blasters all around.

  “Boris!” Catalina shouted. “Look out!”

  Boris screeched loudly, and the monkeys scrambled inside the Valkyrian ship. After a little while, unarmed Valkyrian soldiers were careening out of the hold, and the monkeys had clearly taken control. The nose of the ship lifted up, and even though it was damaged, it flew straight at the charging soldiers, who retreated back into their ship.

  That was when Jacob felt a blaster poke into his back.

  “Call the monkeys off,” he heard Patrick Gravy say.

  Jacob couldn’t believe it. In all the noise and excitement he hadn’t even heard Patrick Gravy and Madrigal sneaking up on him.

  “Never,” Jacob said.

  Catalina grabbed Jacob’s hand. “Don’t be crazy! Do it, Dexter.”

  “Boris! Rufus!” Dexter shouted, waving his arms at the ship.

  After a short while, the monkeys emerged from the ship they had commandeered and slunk toward Praiseworthy. They were quickly surrounded by Valkyrian soldiers.

  “We’re going to make this nice and easy,” Patrick said. “You’re going to disappear until this election is over, and then we’ll send you on your way back to Earth. That is, if Earth still exists!”

  “Ha-ha!” Madrigal laughed. “It probably won’t.”

  “Me dear oh,” Praiseworthy said.

  Jacob heard a shriek. One of the soldiers was trying to put a leash on Rufus.

  “Don’t do that!” Dexter shouted.

  “Let’s go,” Patrick said.

  There was a sharp thweep and thud, and Jacob looked over and saw Patrick’s blaster affixed to Praiseworthy with a large nail.

  There was another thweep, and Madrigal’s blaster went flying out his hand.

  Jacob scanned the field and saw construction workers wielding nail guns at the edge of the clearing. They were wearing hard hats and were hiding behind a barricade made of stacked lunch pails.

  “Men, get them!” Patrick shouted.

  But now that Jacob, Dexter, and Catalina were out of danger, the monkeys started fighting back. Boris tackled one of the soldiers, grabbed one of the blasters, and fired it into the air randomly.

  “Retreat! Retreat!” the soldiers shouted, and they ran for their ships. One of the spaceships tried to take off, but it was attached to the ground with a long, indestructible length of duct tape.

  “No!” Patrick shouted. He started running after his men, with Madrigal right behind him. “Be brave, be brave!”

  In a blur of monkey power, Rufus ran and tackled Patrick and pinned him to the ground. He bared his teeth and looked like he was going to bite.

  Jacob and Dexter exchanged glances and then ran over. Rufus stared Patrick right in the eye.

  “Please!” Patrick cried. “I’m sorry! Let me go!”

  Jacob stared at Patrick for a while. He wanted nothing more than to let Rufus get revenge on Patrick, but he knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. “This ends here,” Jacob said. “Hear me? No more kidnapping.”

  “Yes!” Patrick shouted. “Anything!”

  “Do you promise?”

  “Yes, I promise!”

  Jacob knew they shouldn’t take revenge on Patrick, and he wasn’t about to stoop to kidnapping him. He nodded to Dexter. He would show Patrick what Earthers were really made of.

  “Let him go, Rufus,” Dexter said.

  “Wait,” Jacob said. He leaned over and ripped one of the shiny medals off of Patrick’s uniform. “Okay, now he can go.”

  After a moment, Rufus stood up reluctantly and let Patrick scurry away. He ran clumsily toward the nearest ship, and Jacob wondered if he’d regret showing him mercy.

  He gave the medal to Dexter. “I hereby present you this medal, Colonel Goldstein, for bravery in battle.”

  Dexter laughed and bowed. “Accepted with honor, your lordship.”

  The construction worker who had been standing near Praiseworthy sauntered over to where Jacob and Dexter were standing. “Hey kids,” he said. “That was a pretty manly thing to do, letting him go like that. You guys are manly men.”

  Dexter shook his head with a sigh. “No, we’re just people.”

  The man nodded. “Well, you have my vote.”

  Jacob, Dexter, and Catalina were sitting in a field eating lunch a few hours later when they saw the spaceship Lucy high up in the sky. After the last of the Valkyrians had blasted off and left them alone, the construction workers got to work repairing Praiseworthy and gave the children metal lunch pails full of sandwiches, potato chips, and milk in a thermos.<
br />
  Jacob remembered the first time he had seen the spaceship Lucy, sitting in the forest near his house, and he smiled when he thought of how happy he had been to see her when he was stuck on Numonia. He really had come a long way and had so many adventures.

  Lucy touched down nearby, and Sarah Daisy stepped out from the hold. She had her hands stuck nervously in her pockets, and she averted her eyes as she walked over.

  There was an uncomfortable silence when she stood in front of them, and Jacob thought back to the time they had spoken over the Astral Telly, when she had refused to quit Mick Cracken’s campaign. Now that she had been forced to resign, a significant part of him was relieved she was finally away from Mick Cracken and that things had clearly taken a turn for the worse between them.

  “So what are we going to do now, Jake?” Sarah said. “How are you doing?”

  “I don’t know…” Jacob said.

  The silence stretched on for a little while longer, as no one quite knew what to say. Jacob picked at a blade of grass and broke it into small pieces, staring at it intently.

  Sarah tapped Catalina on the shoulder. “Hey. Sorry I called you an al…” Sarah said. “Well, you know.”

  Catalina gave her a fake smile. “That’s all right, sweetie, I know you can’t help your terrible manners.”

  Sarah fumed, but Jacob knew that if she could apologize to her worst enemy, they could all be friends again. He stood up and gave Sarah a hug. “It’s really good to see you,” he said, and he meant it.

  Sarah nodded, and said, “You too.” She broke off the hug and gave Dexter a shove. “C’mere weirdo,” she said, and they hugged as well.

  She sat down with them and ate some of Jacob’s potato chips. Catalina watched her every move.

  “So… Seriously, what are you going to do now?” Sarah asked.

  “Well,” Jacob said. “I need to get ready for the third Battle Supreme. And I was thinking maybe we could get a few last appearances in before the election. We don’t have much time.”

  Sarah stopped chewing, and looked at Jacob with a panicked expression. She swallowed with difficulty and said very quietly, “Oh no, oh no… I asked you ‘What are you going to do,’ but you thought… Oh Jake, you haven’t heard.”