One evening, we were lying around on my bed, when a thought came to me. I knew it was soon, but I felt our relationship had gone from friends to lovers so fast that we were ready for another step. Some people might wait for years to decide what they need and how they feel, but we knew in a matter of weeks that we were so right for each other, that it didn’t matter that he was married.
But a loving relationship is always a work in progress and I wanted to know deep down what he was willing to do for me, and how much he was willing to risk. So while we were watching Indian Idol one particular evening, I started the conversation. ‘Arjun, can we please stop this stupid programme and talk?’
Arjun responded, ‘Okay.’ Then he put it on mute.
‘I said off, not mute!’ I knew I sounded like a wife.
He grumbled something and turned it off. We were lying around feeling really lazy after working the entire week on hectic projects.
I took a deep breath and started, ‘Arjun, where are we going?’
Arjun said with a teasing smile, ‘What do you mean? I thought we were going to couch out here tonight?’
I hit him lightly. God, I was already a ‘wife’ (Worries Invited For Ever). ‘I mean with “us”. Is there a future to this?’ I asked.
This time, he was serious, ‘Kaveri, think about this, when we have moments with people, we cherish them more. Haven’t we had a blast since we’ve met? It’s because we meet only a few days in a week at the most.’
I wanted to remind him that he had been sacking at my home for quite a number of days in a week and he went home only to collect his bills and get his maid to clean the cobwebs.
But he chose to continue his speech as if he had prepared for it, ‘How many happy marriages do you see around you?’ He paused here for dramatic effect and shook his head as if to prompt me to say ‘none’, but I sat stony-faced, not giving into his argument.
He shook his head for me and continued, ‘Marriage is an institution. A mental institution. An institution in which you stop cherishing, stop loving, stop needing, stop desiring and stop feeling.’ He said with dramatic effect and paused before he continued, ‘If we only had a day or two with a person in a week, we would make every moment count.’ Here he moved his hands around and fixed his gaze on the ceiling as if looking heavenwards for inspiration, ‘Then you know you only need to live in that moment and that moment will remain perfect. That’s how you make happy memories.’ He concluded with a flourish and went back to switching on the TV and increasing the volume as if that was the end of discussion.
But I wasn’t done. Did he just say that we would never get married? That was not a pleasant thought for someone in her thirties. And for someone who’s biological clock was ticking. I took the remote from him and put it on mute and said, ‘But no one can live like that forever.’
‘Why not?’ he asked, disinterested already.
‘Well, because all relationships need to move to another level. Otherwise we would remain in a teenage-like frame of mind, flitting from one person to another. It needs to move to something more permanent.’
Arjun replied, ‘The permanence is in the infrequency, the temporary. All relationships could be much happier if we don’t own the person.’ He was not even looking at me, but trying to shush me up to hear what Anu Malik had to say about a new contestant. ‘Besides we have moved to another level in our relationship. We’re practically living together. Isn’t that enough for you?’ he asked rhetorically.
I thought about it. We were living together. And the magic had faded a little I had to admit. Instead of having mad, passionate sex every night like we used to, here we were contented with watching a stupid TV show. And instead of having long debates about art and our travels, we argued about what food to eat. This felt like a marriage. But it wasn’t legal.
‘Don’t you need a companion in your old age?’ I asked the typical question my parents would have asked.
Arjun suddenly explained to no one in particular, ‘There. I knew he was out of key!’ he said completely ignoring me and probably hoping I would be distracted with what was on the screen. But I wasn’t. So I nudged him and said, ‘I asked you a question!’
‘Hmm …? What? Arrey baba, let it go. Who do you think will win?’ But I knew he had heard. I was way too smart for him to fool me and I raised my eyebrow in anticipation of an answer.
He succumbed and turned his body towards me and took a deep breath as if to explain one final time to a five-year-old what the algebra of relationships was all about. ‘Okay! Who’s to say the person you are with today will stick around till you’re old anyway? There’s no loyalty forever. Mammals are not meant to be faithful.’
I butted in immediately, ‘Are you saying you’re not faithful to me?’ My voice was raised already. I had read somewhere that high-pitched voices come only from women who are threatened by the fact that their mates might be straying. My voice seemed to border between a squeal and a soprano.
‘No, baby,’ he said, taking me in his arms and kissing me deeply. He wanted to divert the topic but I pushed him away, crossed my arms and said, ‘Explain!’
And so he did. ‘I’m saying that maybe in twenty years, you might not be faithful to me, or I might die or something. Do you want to give up what we have today for a marriage that ends in unhappiness? I’ve been there, done that. Not good, I say.’
‘But I thought it was because you hadn’t found the right person?’ I asked, hoping for a correct answer. I looked around me. I had made so many adjustments for this man. My perfect house, with perfect white sheets and colourful pillows, was all gone. Instead, there was a mass of papers and junk that lay all over the place that belonged to him. My fridge that had mini tarts and apple juice and dal makhani was replaced with granola bars, orange juice and pasta. My life, that had no room for a second of wasteful TV watching, had been filled with endless hours of general random programming. I had made the changes. For him. Didn’t he want to take that leap of faith?
He kept quiet for the longest time and then as an afterthought sighed and said, ‘When did love become so conditional? If all relationships start with no strings attached, then why do they become so dependent half way through?’ He continued even as he got up, went to the kitchen and brought back the tub of Ferrero Rocher gelato we had ordered with our dinner. ‘Women should just be happy in the thought of love. He loves you, you love him, let it be. Why do women eventually always want more? And then the relationship becomes about the woman trying to dominate the man. Women can never let a man go out and smoke, or drink, or party with the boys. And if a woman goes out to do the same with girls, a man has to respect her “independence”. Where is the equality in today’s world? It’s all in favour of women, really.’
Then he started feeding me the gelato with a spoon and all I said was, ‘Please don’t drop this on my bed. I’ve just changed the sheets this morning.’ I heard him muttering, ‘Nag!’
But I thought about what he just said. He did make sense. We all want to be free and independent. But we choose to find companions to change and then become dependent on them. Why do all relationships turn into a game of controlling each other, when, in the beginning, we’re ready to give so much space to each other? But he hadn’t answered my original question. And as I was soon to find out, he never would.
For now, I was too deep into him to realize what a great dodger he was. And with that, he shut off the TV, put the gelato on the side table, and took me in his arms and murmured about how I should show him he was not equal or worthy to be with me. I could not argue any more. He had decided what we should do for the rest of the night. And even though I wasn’t pleased with his answers, I knew I shouldn’t push him too hard or I would push him away forever.
Seventeen
But things started going wrong very quickly. I wanted more. And he was not ready. I gave in most of the time because the sex was so damn good! I wondered if all relationships headed in this direction. Soon, work became more important fo
r him. Then there was always family who would pop out of nowhere. Family that he needed to take care of. A sick aunt, an old grand uncle, a cousin recovering from cancer. They popped out of the woodwork. And being the great family person he was, he could never say no to them. Which meant he had to say no to me. As an understanding girlfriend, I tried to act cool and let him do the things he needed to. But I secretly kept hoping he would ditch something, someone, sometime, and want to be with me. I hoped he needed me as much as I needed him. I hoped he wasn’t with me only for the sex.
And then a thought hit me one fine day. Where was I going in my life? I knew what I wanted. But how come I wasn’t getting it?
Then one day, it became a bit too much for my patience and I lost my cool. Once again, he had ditched me for something that he could ‘just not get out of’, as he put it, and I told him the words that men hate to hear and women hate to say, ‘I think we should take a break.’
But, as usual, he wouldn’t accept and convinced me to meet him at Coffee De to try and change my mind.
‘Kaveri,’ he started off, ‘I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I’ve been so stressed with work and my family is pulling me in all directions.’
‘So stop!’ I said, still in a grumpy mood.
‘I can’t. I’m so tied up! I know I’ve put our relationship on hold, but I thought we had reached a point where I could … at least for some time …’
He saw my face thinking about it and so he continued, ‘I thought you would be more understanding towards my situation. You don’t really have a full-time job. You can work as you please and you don’t have responsibilities like I do! Please try and be more supportive. I promise I will do anything you ask once this bad phase is over.’
I know I didn’t have a full-time job, but my commitments were important to me. I had given up a few projects so I could spend more time with him. I had responsibilities towards my maid, my clients and my parents. But I didn’t tell him that. His obligations obviously seemed far more important.
‘Okay,’ I said, categorically, ‘I want to know where we stand.’ If I was going to be patient, I needed to know I was a priority.
‘What do you mean?’ he asked, seemingly annoyed with this topic again. He called for the waiter and frowned back at me.
‘Well, where is this relationship going?’ I demanded, with my arms folded over the table.
‘When we met I thought you said you were on a road trip to discover life.’ He tried to pawn off the responsibility on me.
‘Well, yes. But …’ I said, trying to figure out my thoughts suddenly.
‘So, fantastic! I want you to fulfill your dreams. We’ve always said we’re such individual people who need space and freedom. So I’m giving you all the space you need, darling. You should do whatever makes you happy Kaveri.’ The waiter brought over our regular orders. His was a black Americano. Mine was a cappuccino.
What would make me happy, I thought, is getting married to you. But had I said that, I would have sounded un-cool and clingy.
‘With no strings attached …’ he was continuing in the background sipping his drink. But somewhere I had faded out his conversation. If he didn’t love me enough to know what I wanted, why was I with this man?
‘Arjun,’ I heard myself saying, ‘I think we need to give each other some space.’
‘That’s exactly what I’m saying … No, wait a minute. That sounded ominous,’ he said, quickly correcting his earlier statement.
‘No. I mean, we need to break up. I really can’t go on with this constant ditching. When am I going to be a priority for you?’ I heard myself echoing Aditi’s words.
‘Baby, you’re always my priority. Sometimes life gets in the way, but you are always my priority and I always want to do things with you. It’s just that right now work is very tough. I need to prove myself in my company. And the competition is rough. People are breathing down my neck. If I don’t deliver, I could lose my job! I hope you understand that?’
‘Stop rambling, Arjun,’ I said quietly. I had heard this before. ‘I’m fed up. I’m sick and tired of being your last priority. I’ve had it,’ I heard my voice rise for the first time.
He smiled and said, ‘I can’t stop you from thinking what you do. I can’t stop you from doing what you want but just know, the mind calculates, the soul yearns, but what the heart knows, only the heart knows.’ He tried to be philosophical to win my heart. And my heart was breaking in breaking up with him. But I knew it was the right thing to do. And my mind told me, ‘you can’t let go of something you don’t have’.
‘Kaveri, please give me one last chance. I know I’ve screwed up, but I promise I’ll do better. And if I don’t make it work, then I don’t deserve you and you can dump me. But please, one last chance …’ he begged.
I kept quiet.
He became angry and said, ‘Don’t play by your rules all the time. Don’t be an emotional fool. Don’t think with your heart all the time. Don’t over-analyse and emotionalize everything. Go with the flow. Be mature. Be a grown-up. Be wise and ease up. How many shit fits have you thrown and how many have I? Your feelings of insecurity are your own imagination. Let them go. Be secure. Be patient. Don’t make this a one-way street. You’ve got to see where I’m coming from!’
I raised my eyebrows. He thought I was immature? Well, I could prove him wrong. I would stick with him just to prove him wrong! What was I saying? What did I want?
‘I made a mistake. Everyone does. No one is perfect, Kaveri. I still love you, irrespective of what happens,’ he finished.
I responded, ‘Every time I take two steps forward in “us”, you say or do something that makes me feel insecure … and I’m still insecure about us. And can you stop ending sentences with “irrespective of what happens”.’ I wanted to clarify my point of view.
Arjun softened his stance, ‘Okay, I apologize.’
‘This whole relationship is an apology!’ I ranted, trying to sound authoritative.
‘I’m trying,’ he pleaded, taking a different approach.
‘You’re the most trying man I know,’ I said, almost in tears.
We were both quiet then. Maybe I’d hurt him. But I was hurt too. I wanted more. MORE. Marriage. Why couldn’t he just give in and say he would give me that?
‘Okay,’ he said finally, ‘If you can’t let it be, then let it go.’
I was shocked. Was he trying to break up? I didn’t want him to give up. I wanted him to agree and do as I wanted. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Why do good people fall for bad ones? Therein lies your answer.’
I wasn’t getting it. Was this another mind game that he was playing?
‘Arjun, do you want to break up?’ I asked plainly.
‘No. But apparently you do, so I’m giving you the easy way out.’
I relented immediately.
‘Arjun, I want you to improve. I don’t want us to break up,’ I spoke resignedly, suddenly scared that all my ranting might make him leave.
‘Kaveri, I don’t know what you want. Your mind keeps changing. I’m so confused. Are you giving me a chance?’
‘Yes, but this is the last chance you’ll get. And on some conditions,’ I said, wanting it to at least go somewhere in my favour.
‘Whatever you want. Just spell it out clearly for me. I’m not a mind reader.’
So I listed things that I wanted from our relationship. And later I would know that all girls list the things they need. And the needs never end. Sometimes the needs would be simple like ‘be more romantic’, or ‘spend time with me’ and then there would be more complicated ones like ‘when do we get married?’ The needs go on. And soon enough, the men realize they can’t match up to the needs and slowly start withdrawing to what they already have, a woman whose needs are already met, a woman who was their wife.
Eighteen
Slowly I realized that besides the great lovemaking, Arjun and I weren’t really sharing anything else. He had stopped staying at my p
lace and our meetings became rare. And Aditi had picked up on the situation during our various phone conversations. After one particularly depressing day, I called her and told her he wasn’t around again. She told me to meet her immediately on her set where she was working a day and night shift. She wanted to hear in person what my feelings were and whether I was on the right track, according to her.
She gave me a tight hug when we met and sat me down on a comfortable, but expensive-looking, sofa in a corner of her film set. She sat on the large cushions in front of me and held my hand.
‘Now tell me what’s going on with you,’ she asked.
When I told her that Arjun had gone out drinking instead of meeting me the previous night and then came home only to have sex and leave in the morning, Aditi completely blew her top. ‘Really, babe, I don’t get you!’ She said with her hands flying all over the place. ‘If this man loves you so much, why doesn’t he take out all the time in the world for you?’ she continued. ‘Here, you made plans to meet him, and he doesn’t even care? That’s just not on!’ She was furious. I didn’t know whether at me or him.
‘I know … I know … but maybe he was stressed,’ I began timidly. ‘He does take out time for me but he has a job, not to mention the mortgage on his old family home in Goa with old parents staying there.’ I tried covering up for him. I don’t know why I did that, but I suppose I felt if Aditi was right, my relationship would be in serious trouble. A fact I couldn’t face at that moment.
‘Stop making excuses for him, Kaveri. Till when will you keep doing that? Here is a man who doesn’t make you his priority at all!’ She was unforgiving and brutal. She made sense. She had experience on her side. But I was truly smitten. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted our relationship to work and I thought I could change him to be the person I needed and make him be a better man.
Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas Page 10