I stare at her a moment. All this time she hasn’t said anything about actually missing Kady. I mean, I know why I don’t miss Kady, but I was never her best friend.
I think about the accusations everyone was talking about at school. The fight in the cafeteria. Then again, sometimes Lauren is hard to read. It was one of the things I liked about her back in the day. She was shy and socially awkward too. There was the way that everyone expected you to act—and then there was Lauren. She was always in her head, focusing on a problem from one angle at a time and only one angle.
Like at the press conference. Her mind was obviously somewhere else. Maybe she’d been thinking she should just reach out and talk to Kady like she normally would. Even though that was totally inappropriate for the actual moment.
As I’m staring and trying to puzzle her out, she says, “I’m scared, Nathan.” I look into her big eyes and feel bad for the thought I had moments before. She’s not trying to be selfish. She’s scared. Really scared. I can see it.
Unless I’m wrong, and she’s learned more from Kadence over the years than how to overcome her stage fright.
“See?” I push away the thought. “This is why I came over. I still know you. I knew you’d need a friend right now, someone you could say anything to without judgment. Whatever happened between us before…that’s in the past.” I swallow down the lie and force myself not to think about any of it.
Instead, I reach out and put my hand over hers. I don’t interlace our fingers or anything like that. I just cover her hand with mine, and immediately my mouth goes dry again. Her skin is so soft. My eyes close involuntarily. When we were kids, we’d hold hands when we went out to pick spring wildflowers together, in that unself-conscious way kids have.
No one has held my hand in a very long time. Not since Ren herself actually. Damn it, my eyes feel wet. My goddamned eyes are wet. No tears or anything, thank Christ, just a little more moist than normal. But I don’t move my hand. More importantly, neither does she.
“So what do you say?” I ask. “Do you want to make a list and ask around? Talk to some people?” I don’t look over at her. I can’t quite bear that, not while our skin is connected. Part of me is still that kid, afraid of seeing disgust in her eyes at touching me, at touching the monster.
“I can’t,” she whispers, so softly I barely hear it, and then her hand slips out from under mine. “I’ll just let the police do their job.”
And then she asks, “Jude, why are you offering any of this? Why would you help me? Why are you even here? We haven’t talked in years and when we did…” She lowers her eyes. She’s clearly ashamed.
This was the moment I wanted all those years. For her to apologize. For her to get on her knees and beg my forgiveness. For her to explain how she could do what she, my best friend, did to me. My best fucking friend. Everything is happening too quickly. I was afraid she was about to accuse me, then she was holding my hand, and now I’m getting an apology.
Or not.
I sit and wait for it. But she doesn’t say anything else. She just sits there with her head bowed, looking at her hands in her lap. She pushes her glasses up her nose. Crap, I love a girl in glasses. Again the mix of emotions is too much, too fast.
I stand up, not able to share the same space with her anymore. I walk to the window. I should leave without another word. I should tell her that I’m glad the precious friend she chose over me all those years ago is missing now, and I’m glad they’re accusing her of it. But my tongue’s a stupid traitor and won’t form the words. My mouth’s too dry. My chest feels tight too. My hand shakes as I reach up and run it through my hair.
“Nathan,” Lauren whispers, her low voice sounding even more raspy than it usually does. When I look back over at her, I see a tear tracking down her cheek, illuminated like a streak of silver in the shaft of moonlight coming through her window. “Jude, I—”
I wait again for her apology, but it still doesn’t come. And I can’t bear standing here and waiting for it another second, no matter how much I need it.
“I just came for old time’s sake, Ren. But it’s fine. I get it,” I say, not as much to acknowledge her words as to get myself back under control. Fine. This is all fine. I tug the collar of my bomber jacket up. Shields up, mask in place.
I stand and give her my best cool-guy chin nod. “Good to see you again.” I head toward the window.
But then I commit a cardinal sin. I look back. And she looks torn. As if she wishes I wasn’t going.
Just like that, she’s blasted through all my shields or armor or whatever other stupid-ass metaphors I ever thought could protect me from this girl. I manage one more chin nod, then I’ve got the window open and one leg slung over. I hope this looks like something other than what it really is—me fucking fleeing. I hear only the barest echo of her “good night” before I’m out into the night air.
Twelve
Lauren
DeSanto Residence
Wednesday, April 4
3:15 p.m.
I didn’t go to school after my interview was over on Monday, but I tried to go yesterday. Jude warned me that it might be tough, but school sounded like the most obvious place to find exactly what I needed. A little normalcy. I couldn’t have been more wrong. It was a disaster. I might as well have had the plague for as close as people were willing to get to me. And that included Mason. It particularly included Mason.
We hadn’t spoken since the day everyone realized Kadence was missing—not even at the press conference. The way things were going, I didn’t expect him to speak to me ever again.
Every hallway was filled with whispers. Suspicious eyes followed me long after I passed. Twice, girls made a point of “accidentally” knocking into me in the hall, spilling my books. Even the teachers looked at me with a mixture of pity and misgiving. Some kid I’ve never even seen before blocked me and quoted my idiocy from the press conference: “I’ll be seeing you, Kady.” The girl he was with wrinkled her nose. “Seriously, Lauren. Your best friend is missing. It’s nothing to joke about.”
I skipped lunch and spent the last period hiding in the bathroom, the one by the home ec room that smells like burnt pumpkin.
When I got home, Mom lifted her eyes from the page of her magazine. “How was it?” she asked as if she already knew the answer. The look in her eyes set my chin trembling again. A second later I was curled up in her lap, which was something I haven’t done since second grade.
“Baby,” she said, and I can’t even begin to explain how good it felt to hear her call me that. “Today didn’t stand a chance. It was going to suck in every possible way.”
“You know what people are saying about me?” I asked in a small voice. The thought of it crushed me. It was like the most heartbreaking song I’d ever sung, and the weight of it pressed down on me until my chest hurt and I gasped for air.
She nodded. I could tell she was hurting for me.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” I said.
“Your dad and I, we’re praying that Kady’ll be found safe and soon, but, honey, we’re also very worried about you.”
“About me?” I asked, sitting up and wiping my eyes.
“We were never 100 percent sold on you girls putting your music on the Internet, using your names. It’s too easy for some psycho fan to find you. If that’s what’s happened to Kady—God forbid—who’s to say you aren’t at risk too?”
“It’s not a psycho superfan, Mom.”
Her eyebrows pulled together. “And what makes you so sure?”
I couldn’t answer that question. I returned my head to her shoulder and wrapped my arms around her neck. She rocked me like I was her little girl again. It felt so good, but it couldn’t make things right. I knew, deep down, that no matter how this ended, things would never be okay.
“One more thing,” she said, stroking m
y hair. “We think you may need a lawyer.”
That was yesterday. Today I stay home and watch TV, flipping channels between The Price is Right, HBO, and House Hunters International. Picking my calloused fingertips over the strings on my guitar…
Playing goes against doctor’s orders. Just thinking about our songs causes my vocal cords to flex and rub involuntarily. But I can’t stand not playing at all. Sometimes I have to break the rules. It’s either that or lose my mind.
I work out a chorus for the song I’m working on, though the bridge is still a mess. Something about the G chord doesn’t sound quite right. Or maybe it’s just my ears. Maybe I’m too sleep-deprived for my senses to work properly.
If that’s it, too bad, because I don’t see the situation improving anytime soon. Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is Kadence.
I take a really long shower. That kills a nice chunk of time. Really, that’s what I’ve been doing all day. Killing time. And chewing my fingernails down to the nub. But I’m way past the nub now. Tiny bits of blood seep from the tears in my skin.
I eat lunch in my bed and leave the plate on my bedside table.
I wish that I could take back what I told Detective Kopitzke. I do miss Kadence. I miss the protection her persona gave me. Who was going to mess with Kadence Mulligan’s best friend? No one. I miss how we used to laugh together. Man, could we laugh. Kadence could get me to laugh so hard I cried.
Those happy memories possess me to log on to the Internet and pull up our videos. Maybe I’m looking for the comfort of seeing her face, hearing our voices blending together. Once again I find myself wishing that I could go back in time to last summer when we were still at the top of our game.
I scroll back through a year’s worth of comments. There are hundreds upon hundreds of them:
rayraysay6 1 year ago
Kadence and Lauren, I love you.
Iluvhboo 10 months ago
Lauren, your voice is amazing!
martinvb7 9 months ago
How do you get your hair like that Kadence? #jealousmuch
monkeymay22 9 months ago
あなたはすばらしい
Damonatorgeo 8 months ago
I wish you guys went to my school.
sadie_92 8 months ago
I’m singing your song TWISTED for our school talent show. K? Please say that’s okay. I’ll post a link. K?
bellechanson71 7 months ago
France loves you!
pinky72466928 5 months ago
OMG! Lauren I’m so sorry you’re sick. Get better sweetie. K?
claudia051 5 months ago
Es tut mir leid zu hören, Sie krank sind! Love from Germany.
ifitsbaditsBrad 4 months ago
I miss you guys singing together. Stay strong, Lauren. Things are going to get better.
geocache4life 3 weeks ago
It’s not the same without Lauren.
43 likes
yayigotsnow4nutcracker 3 weeks ago
True dat. Is Kadence even going to be able to perform without Lauren? No offense to Kadence cuz she’s awesome but isn’t Lauren like the real, real musician of the two?
Lemonadeyummm 3 weeks ago
They’re BOTH awesome.
Beetsbearsbattlescars 2 weeks ago
Are there going to be any more music videos?
cadydid_4_life 2 days ago
What? News is saying that Kadence is missing??????????? #OMG
#Kady-Dids #KadenceMulligan
reeltreble321 2 days ago
What’s going on?
BlairIsHilare88 2 days ago
(((Hugs))))
godisgood4000293 2 days ago
This is terrible. I can’t believe it. Praying for you both.
2 likes
JulieSmith0623 2 days ago
Bring Kadence back. I’ve got all your songs playing on repeat. Love you guys. Can’t believe it.
But as of yesterday there is an abrupt shift in the tone of the comments. I know I should stop reading, but I can’t help myself. It’s like watching a train wreck, except that I’m on the train. And still I can’t. Look. Away.
No one whispers on the Internet. The anonymity lets people not only look on with suspicion, but play judge and jury. Some are already sharpening the ax.
My stomach is in my throat. Tears coat my eyes, and my tongue feels so thick I can’t choke down the ugly cry building inside me. It’s out before I can slap a hand over my mouth.
OzGirl1994 1 day ago
I just heard that Lauren killed Kadence. #notsurprised
523 likes
Bloated72 1 day ago
Heard that too.
Caseyjoquinn 1 day ago
I don’t know. That doesn’t sound right. I can’t picture Lauren doing something like that.
GirlzJustWannaHavFun01 1 day ago
Unbelievable. True colors come out.
Raven_B 1 day ago
Saw that coming.
14 likes
ThugLyfe98 7 hours ago
Bitch.
jellybean77123 45 mins ago
I hope you go to hell for what you did to Kadence. #Kadydids4ever
And that is just a sampling. There are at least a hundred more like those. Some good. Mostly bad. I feel sick thinking about Kady being dead, and these so-called fans toss the idea around like it’s nothing. They don’t know me. They don’t know Kadence either. Tears prick at the back of my eyes, but I know I have no right to cry.
This is all cosmic retribution for my sins. I am no better than any of these people who changed their allegiances with the flip of the switch. Jude, I think, his new name filling my mind. I did the same thing to him. Called him a stalker, got him suspended when he was still just a little boy. Kadence made the suggestion, but I went along with it. Little lemming. The “yes girl.”
I deserved all the nasty names Jude called me back then.
I choke on the sob that’s building in my throat. I wish he were here with me. I wish I could talk to him. He’d understand. At the very least, he’d listen. He’s changed so much, and not just in his looks.
It took a lot of guts to come back here after how people treated him. How Kadence and I taught people to treat him. But as strong and capable as he looks now—especially climbing through my bedroom window and telling me everything is going to be all right—I can sense that something is broken in him. Something isn’t right.
I might still be trying to figure out who I am without Kady, but that’s the kind of healthy person I want to be. Someone who helps put people back together instead of tearing them apart.
And what about Kady?
I stare at the floor. I don’t even know what I think about her anymore. My memories are too much a mix of the good and the bad. I want to cry and laugh and scream. I squeeze my eyes shut and put my hands against the sides of my head. All the emotions are building like steam in a teapot. Except it feels like there’s no release valve and I’m going to explode.
I take a few deep breaths. By now it’s four fifteen. Mom and Dad are still at work, and because it’s Wednesday, they won’t be home until about seven. JJ is in his bedroom. Minecraft music seeps under his closed door.
I flip off the alt radio station I’ve been listening to and turn on the eleven-inch TV on my dresser. Then I flop down on my bed and click through the channels. It’s mindless and it’s numbing, and gradually the tension leaves my body. Which is, of course, the point.
I’ve barely fallen asleep when I hear someone saying my name. At first I ignore it, but then I hear it again. I open my eyes to mere slits and look toward the door, thinking JJ is calling for me. That’s when I realize it’s the TV. Saying my name.
I blink blearily and twist my neck toward my dresser. That’s w
hen I catch a glimpse of Kadence on the screen.
Wait. What? I sit up in confusion. Is there news about her? I grab for the remote, still not comprehending. Kadence is on the news?
The TV shows a young blond woman standing in front of the Washington County Sheriff’s Department with Kady’s picture in the upper left corner. The woman looks familiar. I blink again. Underneath the picture is a bulleted list:
• Tip line: 651-555-TIPS
• Missing: Kadence Mulligan
• 5'9" 120 lbs.
• Magenta hair, blue eyes
• Last seen leaving Cuppa Cuppa coffee shop, Pine Grove, Minnesota, evening of March 30
• Reward: $10,000
• #HelpFindKady
I finally find the remote at the bottom of my bed and turn up the volume mid-sentence: “…into Kadence Mulligan’s disappearance continues as troubling new evidence comes to light,” says the blond newscaster, eyebrows down in what I can only assume is her attempt at a serious face. Somehow she’s still managing to flash her teeth, because at the same time, I swear it looks like she’s smiling.
“We here at KLMN Minneapolis now have confirmation from inside sources that Mulligan’s music partner and best friend, Lauren DeSanto, is a suspect in the investigation.”
What? I shoot off the bed so quick I get my feet tangled in the sheets and almost fall over. I know people at school have convicted me, but who are these inside sources? Things look bad, yeah, but I told Detective Kopitzke about Kady’s camping trips. They’ve got to check out every lead. They can’t just say it’s me.
“Drops of Kady’s blood were found on her driveway, and even more on the shirt DeSanto was wearing the night of the disappearance,” the woman continues.
Wait. What? That’s not right. They got that wrong! I was never wearing that shirt they found.
“Insider crime-scene investigative sources reveal that while DeSanto claimed the bloodstains on her clothes came from Kady scratching herself on her equipment from the night’s performance, no blood was discovered on any of the aforementioned equipment. DeSanto was also the last person to see Kadence Mulligan before her disappearance.”
I sputter in outrage. All the emotions I managed to calm earlier are suddenly back, but ten times worse. Who’s watching this? My God, my parents could be watching this! Someone could have this on at work. They could be calling my parents down the hall to come see it.
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