“I know you won’t,” I said with a smile, dropping my hockey bag on the floor and hiding her purse. “Congratulations on all the views on your videos, baby. Your numbers are huge. Your music is going to get someone’s attention now for sure. Come here. Life is short, my darling.”
She grinned, appreciating my use of her catchphrase. She took three long strides toward me and wrapped her arms around my waist. She tipped her head back, and her lips parted as I slipped my hand behind her neck.
And that’s when I kissed her like I would never kiss her again.
Forty-One
Jude
Sheriff’s Office—Parking Lot
Tuesday, April 10
4:45 p.m.
As Mason’s parents’ car disappears into traffic, Lauren turns to me and buries her face in my chest, wrapping her arms around my waist. I hug her back just as fiercely. The thing I still can’t believe is that I’m holding her in my arms. That after all these years and everything that went down, she still wants me back.
Last night, I sneaked into her room. We spent a couple of hours holding each other in the dark. I was afraid of today, that they were going to, like, decide it was all my fault somehow and throw me back in jail. But there’s no more fear now. Sadness, yes. But also the future and all the many, many possibilities. It’s like I can finally breathe out when I didn’t even realize I was holding my breath.
I pull back from Lauren and look down at her seriously. I search her eyes, those deep, dark pools. “I love you.”
“Love you too.” Her voice is a whisper, but it’s not because she’s rasping anymore. It’s more like a caress, like a song. I take a moment to memorize the velvet shades of it. Possibilities. Lauren without Kadence. All that Internet positioning that Kady worked so hard to build can be Lauren’s now. Kady made herself news. In a horrible irony, her death sent views on their music videos skyrocketing, just like Kady always wanted. If Lauren was inclined, she could take that momentum and make it hers. Somehow, though…I see my girl taking a different path. But still with music, always with music. It’s too much a part of her.
The day is finally warming up, the cold front of the last few days passing. There will be the funeral in a couple days, and dealing with Kadence’s death will probably have Lauren hurting for a long time. But if she lets me, I’ll be here for every step of it. And eventually she’s gonna be okay. We’re both gonna be okay.
And maybe along the way, on days like today, we can take little breathers. Remember that while there’s all the sad crap, there’s the good stuff too. After everything, maybe remembering that is more important than ever.
“Come on, Ren. Want to go back to the waterfall? Just get out of here for a while?” I nudge her with my shoulder. “I hear it’s a really great place for…talking.”
I can tell she appreciates my attempt at levity because the edges of her mouth tilt up. It’s the smallest smile but I swear it’s brighter than the spring sun.
“Nah,” she says after a moment. “I think I want to discover someplace new with you.” She grabs the helmet off my handlebars, then straddles the bike. Goddamn it, I’ve never seen anything as hot in my life.
I try to play it cool, but I can tell she knows how much she’s affecting me. She loves it too. Her tired eyes warm and widen under my gaze. I step on the bike in front of her and grab her thighs, yanking her forward so she’s pulled tight against me on both sides. This elicits a startled little yelp out of her, which makes me grin.
“The open road it is.” I roar the throttle high.
SING TO ME, CALLIOPE
Words and Music by Lauren DeSanto
Sing to me, Calliope.
Your words take me away.
Sing to me, Calliope.
I don’t want to stay.
Write it down in stone, my love,
of all that we have lost.
Let it never be forgotten
that we paid a bitter cost.
It’s the last chance for Calliope,
One last song for you and me.
Dance on the island,
Dance on the sea.
It’s good-bye, baby,
Good-bye to you and me.
Sing to me, Calliope.
They mock what you’ve become.
Sing to me, Calliope,
for what is done is done.
Make your music all they hear
and make them cry for me.
Let it never be forgotten
that my tears have filled the sea.
It’s the last chance for Calliope,
One last song for you and me.
Dance on the island,
Dance on the sea.
It’s good-bye, baby,
Good-bye to you and me.
As we dance upon the sea,
we were never meant to be.
Never meant to be.
Acknowledgments
First, a thank-you to Sammy Brown, Anne’s daughter, and Sammy’s dear friend and musical partner, the late Zach Sobiech, for giving us the idea to write a story about two teen YouTube musicians. (Though it behooves us to say that Sammy and Zach were nothing like Lauren and Kadence and used their music to do so much good in the world.) Feel free to check out Sammy and Zach’s videos and music, all of which support osteosarcoma cancer research.
As always, a big thank-you to our agent Jacqueline Flynn and editor Wendy McClure for their insight and enthusiasm. Also much gratitude to Ellen Kokontis, Kristin Zelazko, Diane Dannenfeldt, and Andrea Hall.
In our opinion, every writer needs a no-holds-barred critique group. Ours was Li Boyd, Kerstin March, Lauren Peck, and Jacqueline West.
Thank you to spouses and family, without whose support none of this would be possible.
Finally, to the readers, librarians, bloggers, and kidlit community: Rock on!
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