Accept Me

by J. L. Mac

  It makes me think of Maman and Papa and how scared they must have been to start all over in a new place—a new country with a different language and everything. What they did inspires me. It shows me that I can do this. I can be strong and courageous; if not for myself, then for my child. It’s amazing that someone so tiny, someone who hasn’t even been brought into this world, is powerful enough to change my life so completely.

  If I’m being honest, I knew from the beginning that a life with Damon was doomed for failure, but it doesn’t make my heart hurt any less. I’ve lost Captain, I’ve forfeited the store, I’ve lost Damon, I’ve lost the future I envisioned for myself. I’ve forfeited Grams, and Noni, and Brian. When I really think about it, all three of them belong to Damon, and instead of making them pick sides, I left them for him. He needs the support and I don’t need any strings. Like a coward, I changed my cell phone number to avoid the painful conversation. A clean break is best, right?

  There is beauty in my situation, though. I’m free. I’m free from a past that has been a formidable opponent for far too many years. I’m free from constant reminders that bring back memories too painful to endure. I’m free from news coverage about Damon. I’m free from probing reporters. I’m free from the life that I had here. Vegas is a tumultuous ride that I’m ready to get off of.

  One last stop and I’m ready to get on the road. The cemetery comes into view and I wait for the feeling of encompassing dread that visiting this place brings. I kill the engine and get out to make my way over to Maman, Papa, and Captain’s plots. I keep my eyes on my feet as I go. It’s still so hard to see those headstones knowing what they represent, the lives and deaths of three people that mean so much to me.

  I get to my knees, resting my backside on my feet behind me. “Hey.” It’s the only word that comes out even though I have so much to say, so much to confess, so much to promise.

  I clear my throat and try to gather my thoughts. “I have to say goodbye for now,” I croak, trying hard to keep my emotions under control. They may be gone but I feel like they’re right here with me. I hope that they are. “I, uh… turns out I’m moving to Salt Lake City. It’s not too far for me to drive here and visit a few times a year. Damon will still be able to have a relationship with the baby. I know what you’re thinking, Captain. I know it’s not exactly my type of place, but I’ll make it work. I have to, with the baby coming and all.” My hand goes to my small belly and I smile a little. “It’s going to be a great place for us to start over.” I look from one stone to another to another. “I just wanted to stop by and say that I-I love you. All of you—” A sob breaks through my paper thin resolve. “And I miss you so, so much. I wish you all were here. I’m scared to raise this baby alone…”

  “You don’t have to be.”

  I shoot to my feet, nearly falling over as I do. Damon jumps forward, steadying me. His hands. His hands are warm and supportive against my arms.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask, swiping tears from my cheeks and chin. I fiddle with my shirt, straightening the hem nervously.

  Damon wraps his fingers around my elbow and leads me back to my Volvo. I don’t see his truck or car anywhere. “Where’s your car?”

  He shakes his head. “Mike dropped me off at the gate. I walked in.”

  “Stop and listen to me for just a minute. Please. Give me two minutes, Jo.” His eyes are so warm and pleading that it does something to my insides and I relent, crossing my arms over my chest but listening to him nonetheless. “You don’t have to leave. I don’t want you to go.”

  “It’s already done, Damon,” I say quietly. “I have a place waiting for me. You haven’t called. I haven’t seen you. Nothing has changed.”

  “So cancel it.”

  “Did you not hear me? It’s not just the new place. Don’t you understand?” I sound exasperated because I am. I can’t go through all of this again. I can’t give myself false hope again. I don’t have it in me to rescue him again. This relationship will never work and I’m trying hard to come to terms with that. My heart can’t afford any more abuse.

  “I’ll fix all of it.” Damon lifts his hand to cup my cheek. His touch is tender and I melt a little on the spot. “Let me fix it, baby,” he pleads. “Please come home.”

  I look up into those warm eyes that have entranced me since the first time I saw him. His tears glisten in the sunlight. It’s so hard to see him this way.

  “Damon—”

  “Please,” he urges, stepping closer to me.

  “I’m scared,” I admit.

  “You don’t have to be scared. I never wanted to hurt you. I love you. I was trying to protect you and things got out of control. I never wanted to lose you, or the baby.” One hand drops from my face to my small, pregnant belly.

  “But you—”

  “I know.” He looks at his feet, his guilt evident in the stoop of his shoulders, and then back up to me with a sigh. “The day that I told you to leave was the day that Mike gave me his report. My father was becoming desperate and Mike felt that something bad was in the works. We just couldn’t pin it down. He advised me to keep you safe, Josephine. It nearly killed me seeing you heartbroken because of a lie, but I had no choice. I had to try to keep him away from you and I thought that if you weren’t a part of my life, he’d leave you alone.”

  “You should have told me!” I cry, balling up my fist and hammering it into his muscular chest. “Why haven’t you told me this until now?”

  “I couldn’t risk it. I know how stubborn you are. I was trying to protect you, truly.” He grabs my fist and holds in tightly in his hand. “I know you, love. You wouldn’t have given up. You wouldn’t have left unless I convinced you that I didn’t want you. I’ve tried to let the media coverage cool down before getting you caught up in all of it again, but I couldn’t wait any longer. I couldn’t let you leave town.”

  “But the baby! You acted like you barely cared,” I accuse, tears threatening.

  “I do care. Of course I care. Do you know how hard it was for me to walk out of the penthouse that day you found out?” His tears begin to fall and he does nothing to wipe them away. “Do you know how badly I wanted to stay with you? To celebrate? I left there and hoped and prayed that Brian would call to let me know that the test was positive. When he did, I knew I had to see this through. You’re having my child, Jo. My baby. I had to keep him away from my family.”

  I’m speechless and confused and relieved and angry.

  “I want nothing more than to make babies with you. Lots of them, if you want. I want you to marry me. I want to go through life with you by my side, Jo. I wanted that test to be positive because I knew if you were already pregnant that I may have a better chance of winning you back, a better chance of reversing all of this.”

  I hide my face in my hands as the flood gates burst open. My heart can’t take much more of this. I came here to say goodbye, yet here I stand, wrapped in Damon’s embrace, being told that I was scammed.

  That none of that was real.

  That it was all a ploy. A means to an end. Edward’s end.

  “Please don’t cry, baby.” Damon leans down, pressing me to his chest, and drops tender kisses against the shell of my ear. “Please don’t cry.”

  “I-I… you ripped my heart out!” I accuse him, still wrapped up in his arms.

  “I know. I’m so sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. Let me make it right, Jo.” Damon’s hands grip me by my shoulders and hold me at arm’s length. One big paw reaches into his shirt pocket and retrieves my ring, glittering and sparkling in the sunlight. He lifts my left hand to him. “Please come home,” he urges, slipping the ring back into place on my finger.

  I watch in silence as he gets down to his knees. With one tentative look up at me, he slips one hand under my shirt, resting it against my barely swelling belly. His eyes close and he leans his forehead against my abdomen. He’s trying to make amends. He’s showing his cards. It’s clear that Damon wants our baby
just as much as I do. And he wants me too.

  I can feel his thumb making slow strokes against my belly. Seeing him like this, so tender, makes me melt. It breaks my heart knowing that he did all of that lying and planning and risking because he loves me and our baby that much. He risked so much to keep us safe. He was willing to lose me if it meant I could be safe. It reminds me of that first night when we moved Grams into her apartment. He made love to me and asked if I knew that he’d always keep me safe, no matter what. I knew then just like I know now.

  I tug on his arms urging him to stand. “Jo, baby, say you’ll come home. Say you’ll still marry me.” His eyes are pained, worry lines mar his handsome face, and I can’t take another moment of it.

  “Yes and yes.” My answer is simple but heavy with the promise of a second chance. “On one condition,” I go on. “Noni. She has to be a part of this baby’s life. I love her and I know you do too. Somewhere in here,” I press my palm to his chest, over his heart, “you love her too. You’ve been hurt but it’s time to make amends.”

  “I know. I will,” he promises, raining kisses onto my face. “I’m not mad at her. It wasn’t her fault. She’s my mother and there’s a lot we have to talk about but I’ll do it. I’ll do anything you want. I love you. You don’t know how happy you’ve just made me.”

  In one swoop, I’m gathered up against my Big Man’s chest and reveling in the feeling of peace. Being in his arms is home for me. I’m so glad to be home again.

  I examine my reflection in the mirror one more time. My makeup is as good as it’s going to get. My eyes are rimmed in a smoky black eyeliner and my eyelashes look the longest and fullest they’ve ever looked, thanks to the hormones that I disliked so much at the beginning of my pregnancy. My lips are pouty and painted with a natural dark pink gloss. The pearls that Grams gave me are in place around my neck and wrist. They’re my “something old” and they couldn’t be more perfect. Noni offered to do my hair and I’m beginning to think that she’s a Jill of all trades. My hair falls down my back in big soft curls in a sort of 1920s glamorous style. She pinned back a few soft curls with her favorite silver hair comb, incidentally taking care of my “something borrowed.” Brian nearly fainted when I told him that we would be marrying in typical Vegas style in a wedding chapel. I know he was looking forward to the meticulous wedding planning details, and I may have burst his fashionista bubble, but keeping our nuptials private and intimate is the only way to keep the media out of all of it. The bulk of news coverage about the kidnapping and subsequent death of Edward has decreased to a trickle, but reporters still linger around waiting for any opportunity to question us.

  Mike’s report ended up being eerily accurate. Edward was in deep with a few different high end bookies here in town. He was desperate for money and drowning in alcoholism and debt. Andy and Howard were brought in mere days after the incident and are both awaiting trial on charges a mile long. Howard is the one who gave the most information, agreeing to testify about Andy’s involvement in the whole thing. Reportedly, Edward had planned on coercing Damon out of a substantial amount of money and then fleeing the country, but Damon and I already knew that…

  Grams took Edward’s death hard. He was a sick bastard, but he was still her son. I think most of her mourning has been out of sheer regret that she couldn’t convince him to be the man she’d hoped he would be. I can respect that. I feel terrible for Grams; she’s just as much a victim in this disaster as the rest of us. Grams has basically adopted Noni. They’re both living in Grams’ apartment and working side by side at the store every day. Grams keeps Noni company and entertains the younger crowd in the coffee bar with her stories and antics. I can’t blame Noni for not wanting to go back to Captain’s house. I don’t want to go there either. I was holding onto it because I was scared to forget Captain, but Dr. Versan has helped me see that Captain’s memories are as alive and vivid as I want them to be. I don’t have to keep his house to keep my memories of him. The house has been up for sale for two months. No luck selling it yet. Prospective buyers aren’t too impressed with its history. Elise was shocked and devastated, of course, to find out that her father had been shot by her brother. She wasn’t angry though. She was sad, but happy that no one else was fatally wounded. She came right to Damon as soon as she was notified of the shooting and she’s been supportive of both of us. Damon didn’t say much, of course, but I know he was relieved that Elise didn’t make him feel guilty for killing their father and I love her for that. She handled all of Edward’s funeral arrangements and moved nearly all of his belongings into her garage on the other side of town so that neither Grams nor Damon would have to go through his things.

  “You ready yet?” Brian peeks his head into the dressing room.

  “Yep. I think so,” I say, giving my silent approval to my reflection with Noni and Grams, the two most important women in my life, both flanking me, smiling and giving their approval as well.

  “Damon wanted me to give this to you,” Brian says, handing me a small velvet box.

  I smile wide, thinking about how sweet my Big Man can be. The box opens with a creak and I gasp.

  Maman’s watch. It’s back in my possession and ticking strong and steady. I pull it from the box and flip it over. There it is, in my family’s native French.

  Collette, mon coeur reside avec vous pour toujours plus

  “Collette, my heart resides with you, forevermore,” I whisper the translated phrase to myself.

  Something about this watch reminds me of my relationship with Damon. It has seen so much. It has been worn and damaged. It didn’t work for a while, but with expert attention, here it is, ticking along like it never stopped. And beneath the beautiful veneer is the heart of it all.

  “My heart resides with you, forevermore,” I croak out again, unable to keep my tears at bay.

  “Oh, honey, no crying,” Brian chastises gently.

  “I can’t help it. It’s so perfect. He’s so perfect.”

  “Okay, that’s a stretch, honey,” Brian jibes, fastening the watch on my wrist and taking my hand. “Let’s get you hitched.”

  I smile at my best friend and the realization that I’m about to marry the man that I was made for hits me. Tragedy may have surrounded our existence for so long, but it brought us together; clinging to that truth makes accepting those tragedies that much easier.

  We go to leave the dressing room with Grams and Noni in tow, but I freeze, stepping back over to the vanity counter for my “something new” which also happens to be my “something blue.” A teeny tiny blue baby sock. I grab my bouquet of calla lilies from Brian and carefully stuff the tiny sock into the center of the flowers beneath the blooms. Our sweet baby boy will be here in four short months, but I wanted to include him in our wedding. This is my way of doing just that.

  “There,” I say confidently. “Now I’m ready.”

  I watch with a smile as Brian takes his place at the altar as my “Man of Honor” next to Damon and Mike Passarelli. Damon asked Mike to be stand up for him since we owe him so much. He’s the reason Damon was able to take the steps necessary to protect me and our unborn child. He stood guard, watching every move that Edward made, prepared to act if the time came. Mike was persistent and convinced Damon that the best thing he could do was stage our breakup, making me less of a target. Damon had no way of knowing that my pregnancy not only made me a target in Edward’s eyes, it made me the perfect target. Edward knew Damon would do anything for his child. And he did.

  And here we are.

  I step into the aisle and breathe deeply, trying to calm the butterflies in my stomach. Damon is… gorgeous. He’s as handsome as ever standing at the altar in his tux. His eyes meet mine and something unspoken passes between us. I make my way down the aisle to him, knowing that I’ve just taken the first steps towards a new life with Damon by my side as my husband.

  Damon told me that everyone needs a person, someone who watches and waits to stand guard when life gets all sc
rewed up. He’s my person. I know now, more than ever, that he always has been.

  Turn the page for an exclusive sample of

  a Wrecked series companion novel.

  Coming spring 2014

  Journal,

  I learned a big lesson today. I learned that a lot can happen in thirty lousy seconds. A half a minute. Apparently that’s about how long it takes for some jerk to destroy a girl’s self-esteem. I mean, it took a crapload of courage for me to finally talk to him at all. And what did he do? He made me feel like a freakin’ joke.

  I’ve had a crush on Jonathan Greene for this whole stupid school year! It’s practically the end of sixth grade and it seems like I’m the only girl without a date to the spring dance. I’m not thrilled about going but not going just isn’t an option. If Sarah Copeland finds out that I don’t have a date, she’ll tell Katy that none of the boys wanted to ask me. Katy will tell Shauna because Shauna is new and listens to everything Katy says like she’s her mom or something. Then Shauna will blab it to the rest of Harrison Middle School just to strike up conversation with anyone who will listen. Skipping out of the whole thing would suck, but not going would definitely suck more.

  So, I waited until Jonathan was done with his lunch tray and I walked over. Thinking about it makes me cringe all over again.

  “Ahem. Jonathan?” Why the heck am I doing this to myself? I thought my heart would explode any second.

  Jonathan was standing by the trashcan looking cute as ever in his Doc Martins and baggy jeans. He turned to face me and I could feel the eyes of the entire sixth grade on me. Oh God! What am I doing here?

  “Lindsay? What’s up?” he said all coolly, which is no surprise. He’s the coolest kid in the whole school and I’m no one special. He glanced around us and I did the same only to confirm what I already knew.