That, she knew, would prove far too painful. That would be the brick wall she wouldn’t be able to move. Not with any amount of trickery or impulsivity or stubbornness.
Haley twisted her finger around a lock of her hair, lost in thought. So, okay, this was what she needed to determine. She didn’t want to fall completely head over heels if Gavin wasn’t prepared or able to even try at a relationship.
Caught up as she was in her concerns, her emotions, she didn’t hear Gavin’s approach until he’d fully stepped into their campsite. She couldn’t see him well in the dark, even with the glow from the campfire, but his physical presence warmed her from the inside out.
He walked over to the fire, on the other side from where she sat, and rubbed his hands above the flames. In a casual, almost offhand manner, he said, “If you don’t have to be back too early tomorrow, I was thinking we could go on one more hike in the morning.”
“Yes,” she said, pleased he had the thought. More pleased that the thought had become an actual invitation. “I would enjoy a morning hike. Just, um, not too early. Okay?”
He laughed in that warm, rich way of his that always brought a smile to her lips. “You got it. I’ll even allow two cups of coffee before we get started.”
“Wow, how generous of you,” she teased. “Though I will say if we ever do this again, we need better coffee than that instant stuff. Oh, and marshmallows and chocolate bars and graham crackers. I would love a s’more right now.”
“S’mores are good. I haven’t had one—” He stopped. Coughed. “It’s been a long time.”
“How long?”
“I was thirteen. At a campground not too far from here, actually.”
“Really?” She knew so little about his past, other than the Christmas memory he’d shared. And she wanted to know more...yearned to know more. Patting the blanket she sat on, she said, “Sit with me, please. Did you go camping often as a kid?”
“Fairly often for a couple of years. Not so much before or after.” As he spoke, he rounded the fire and sat next to her. “Most...well, most of the foster parents I lived with didn’t do much with us kids. But there was that one couple I told you about. Russ and Elaine were great. Really great. They brought us to Steamboat Springs to ski in the winter and to hike, camp in the summer.”
“How long did you live with them?” she asked, interested. Cautious, though, too. She sensed he didn’t talk about his past often.
“Longer than I lived anywhere else,” he said, his voice rough and scratchy. “Close to three years. Moved in when I was twelve, that August. Moved out the July after my third Christmas with them. One month shy of three years.”
The knowledge that Gavin hadn’t lived anywhere for longer than “close to three years” while growing up saddened her, made her realize how lucky she was for her family, to have been blessed with loving, stable parents. “Did you have to move out? I mean...I don’t know a lot about the foster care system, so I’m curious.”
“Russ’s job relocated out of state. They couldn’t take me with them. But I found out later, a few years ago now, that they’d wanted to adopt me. Tried to figure it out before they moved, but...well, it couldn’t be done.” Sadness echoed in his voice. Her heart cracked in two. “There was this other kid staying with us, Brett. They adopted him.”
And now her heart smashed into bits. Haley reached for Gavin’s hand, lacing her fingers through his, and squeezed. “I’m sorry. That...sucks. Was there a reason they were able to adopt Brett, but they weren’t able to adopt you? If you don’t mind telling me.”
“Not much to say on this, really, so I don’t mind.” Even so, he paused, drew in a breath before continuing. “Brett was alone in the world, didn’t have any living blood relatives, which made the process easier for Russ and Elaine.”
Haley took this in, added two plus two. “So, you did have living blood relatives?”
“Yes. My mother.” Now his voice was flat, emotionless. “Glad I didn’t know this was all going on then. Was tough leaving them. But I guess I’m glad now. Russ...he died several years ago... There was a letter. Some money, too. But the letter explained what they’d tried to do, what they couldn’t do. And...yeah, I’m glad I know now.”
Closing her eyes, Haley breathed in the night air and attempted to find her balance. Attempted to understand a life so different from her own. “If―if your mom was around, why were you in foster care? What... I mean, why weren’t you with her?”
She wanted to know. Wanted to learn as much about this man as possible. Because, yes, she wanted to know what made him tick. Also, though, she had the weird idea that if he talked about this, she could absorb some of his pain. Or maybe she could just carry it with him.
Initially, she didn’t think he was going to answer. Thought perhaps she’d gone too far. She felt more than saw his body tense. And his hand tightened into a fist for a millisecond before relaxing again. Yes. This was hard for him.
He expelled a sigh. “My dad died when I was four. My mom had a real rough time after this. A lot of things changed, and she...I guess it’s simplest to say she had difficulty caring for herself, and then later, difficulty caring for me. It...well, it got pretty bad.”
Inching closer to Gavin, she rested her head on his arm. “In what way?” she asked softly, her heart still in pieces, her soul aching for him, for the little boy he was. For the man, too. “What happened that put you in foster care?”
She sensed he was fighting with himself, for the words to use. Maybe for the will to say them. “She drank. My mother drank a lot. Took to leaving me alone. I... When I was seven, she disappeared for a couple of days. I... Well, she hadn’t been gone for that long ever before and I got scared. Wasn’t much food left in the place. Called the police.”
Oh, God. Tears built behind Haley’s eyes and it was all she could do not to sob. Fury, too, existed, for a woman with an unknown face. Unknown name. “And the police came, I’m guessing. Saw what was going on, put you into the state’s custody.”
“Yup.”
“Did you...did you ever see her again? Your mom?”
“She cleaned up here and there. Long enough, a few times, to regain custody. Never lasted for long. Never—” He stopped, cursed. “I’m not trying to be rude here, and I’ve already said more than I meant. I... What’s past is past. Don’t much see the point in talking about this.”
“Okay, that’s fine. Of course it’s fine.” And it was. He’d shared more with her than he likely had before, she guessed. And she’d like to hear more, know more, for his sake, for hers. Someday, maybe he’d want her to know. Would want to talk more. Until then, “We can talk about something else. Or, we can just sit here and look at the fire.”
His tension eased, which she again felt more than saw, and he began rubbing his thumb on her palm. “Either. I’m good with either. Though, there is something that I believe I’d like to tell you about. If... Well, maybe this isn’t such a good—”
“Anything you want to share is a good idea,” she interjected. “And I want to listen.”
He cleared his throat once. Twice. “Well, see...when I told you I didn’t have time for distractions, I wasn’t lying. I have a lot going on, Haley.”
“So you’ve mentioned,” she said, fearing they were walking right back into the place she’d worked so hard to get past. “But I don’t see—”
“I want to open a camp,” he said bluntly. “For foster kids. Boys specifically, though I’m not opposed to girls. Just don’t know how good I’d be around a bunch of girls. But that’s why I bought the house, the property, and why I’m renovating and...well, I’d like to give them some part of what Russ and Elaine gave me.” He pulled in a breath. “And I guess that’s it.”
Another full-on blast of emotion enveloped Haley. “You’re an amazing man, Gavin Daugherty. Absolutely freaking amazing
. And you don’t even know, don’t even realize.”
This time, she couldn’t stop the tears that filled her eyes. Didn’t much care to, though. Because for a man with Gavin’s past to want to take those experiences and turn them into something so positive, so affirming, was...well, as she’d said: amazing.
Wondrous, too.
“Don’t see where you get amazing from that,” he said, sounding embarrassed. “Just feels important. Like what I’m supposed to do, so that’s what I’m doing.”
“It is important. And...thank you for sharing this. For wanting to share this.” Then, she gathered her strength, her courage, and said, “Can I ask another question? One that sort of goes along with the ‘you’re too busy for distractions’ thing?”
“Can’t we talk about something easy? Like...why the world didn’t end on December 21, 2012? Or the ‘Which came first, the chicken or the egg?’ dilemma? Or we could ask each other thought-provoking questions, such as, ‘If you could have any superpower, which would it be?’”
Okay. Obviously, she’d pushed too hard for one night. “Sure,” she said easily. “I’m partial to the superpower question. But it’s sort of hard to choose, with so many possible—”
“That night, when I went to the bar asking for you,” Gavin interrupted, rushing through the words, as if he feared he wouldn’t say them otherwise, “Dylan told your father that you were out on a date. The news didn’t sit so well with me.”
Oh. Darn Dylan. He couldn’t have just said that she wasn’t home?
“This...helps me understand some. But, Gavin, this is so easily explained.” Haley then went on to describe the details of the weirder-than-weird blind date, ending with, “I really didn’t want to go. I would’ve much rather been with you.”
Shifting, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, brought her closer, so her head now rested on his chest. “That’s sweet of you, and I appreciate the explanation. Once I thought about it some, I figured you wouldn’t have kissed me if you were interested in someone else. But my reaction to hearing about the date...well, that stayed with me.”
She thought about how she would feel if she learned Gavin was out on a date, the night after their first kiss, and a strong, instant gush of jealousy smacked her upside the head. No. She wouldn’t have liked that one bit, but unlike Gavin, she would’ve said something to him.
The first chance she’d had, even. But, as she’d just heard, their lives were incredibly different, and while she didn’t—couldn’t—fully put herself in his shoes, she thought she understood what had happened. Maybe, what was still happening.
His mother had let him down repeatedly, horrifically. He’d grown up mostly in homes that weren’t really homes, excepting for Russ and Elaine’s. Just...places to sleep, she guessed. She thought about what Suzette had said, about her fear of Matt hurting her, and pieces of the puzzle began to fit together, began to paint a picture.
It was time, Haley decided, to put her cards on the table. Faceup. So Gavin knew, without a doubt, where she stood. Whether he’d believe her or not was another question.
“I understand, I think,” she said, working out the words as she went along. “And I don’t know where you’re at, and I don’t know what you think of me. Feel for me. But I’m serious about this, about you, and...you should know I’ve never felt so strongly about a man before.”
She waited, tense and afraid, for his response. Minutes ticked by without a word, and each second increased her fear. But he didn’t stop holding her, didn’t push her away, so she tried to believe those were positive signs, tried to keep her breathing calm, and just waited.
Finally, when she was sure she should’ve kept her mouth shut for a little longer, he said, “I think of you well. And often. You’re... Hell, Haley, you’re in my head more than you’re not. But we’re different, and that worries me some, wondering how that could possibly work.”
“We are different. Very different.”
“And there are times you completely rattle me.”
“Trust me,” she said, still tense. Still afraid of where this might lead. “You know how to rattle a person, too. So, I suppose we have that in common.”
A soft laugh emerged. “I suppose we do. And see...I know how this sounds, hate saying this to you, but I don’t necessarily believe you have these feelings.”
“Oh. So you think I’m lying?”
“No. Not that. I... Dammit.” His arm tightened around her. “Other than Russ and Elaine, I don’t have a lot of experience with folks...with people caring. I don’t think you’re lying. I wonder, I guess, if what you think you see, feel, is the truth. Or if you’re—”
“Deluding myself? Um, no.” Now she pulled out of his grasp, turned to face him. Wished it was light enough that he could see her eyes, where she was sure the strength of her emotions, her surety, would be visible. “I know what makes up a good man. And Gavin, you’re one of the best men I’ve ever met. Hands down. I also know myself, very well. So, if you’re not quite able to see what I see, then try to trust that I’m being honest. Wholly honest.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he admitted gruffly. “Don’t want to let you down.”
She thought about that some, too, decided to be even blunter. “Do you care about me?”
“Yes. I care...a hell of a lot more than what makes sense.”
“Then why not try? Why can’t we take this one day at a time and see where we end up?” She breathed in, counted to three. “I’m not asking for guarantees. Not asking you to do anything other than try. And... Well, to talk to me. Rather than sending another idiotic email.”
“Try, huh? That’s all you want from me, nothing else?”
“For now, yes. For a long while, yes. And if you’re trying, if we’re trying, then I don’t see how you can let me down. Or, for that matter, how I can let you down.” Leaning close to him, she laid her hand on his cheek. “This is a two-way street. I’d like to see where it leads.”
“I wouldn’t mind knowing that myself.”
“So,” she said, her heart beating fast, hard, “do we have another deal?”
“I... Yes. We do.”
Suddenly, his arms were around her and he was kissing her. Again with intensity, with passion, with all of the emotion that had just made up their conversation. Her body eased against his, and somehow, without her quite knowing how, she was in his lap with her legs wrapped around him, without their mouths separating from each other for more than a second.
Love. It was here, between them, vibrant and alive and potent, growing in strength as they kissed, until the weight of the emotion was solid and real and miraculous.
Everlasting, too, she hoped.
Gavin groaned, pulled back some, and said, “I don’t have... That is, I was expecting a weekend with Suzette Solomon, not you, so I didn’t bring—”
“Protection?” Haley said, breathless and tingling. “I did. In various colors, even.”
There was that warm, rich laugh. “Of course you did.”
He kissed her again, long and tantalizing and filled with promises, before leading her to the tent, where they spent another sleepless night. This time, though, in each other’s arms.
Chapter Twelve
Rubbing his hand over his newly shaven jaw, Gavin stared at the envelope his mother had left with him. A lot of changes were happening fast, almost one right on top of the other, and so far, he thought he’d handled a good chunk of them fairly well.
Not without concern or some anxiety. Not without that god-awful feeling of free-falling without a safety net, but all in all, better than he’d have expected of himself. Due to Haley, really, and her unrelenting positivity. She just seemed so sure of him, of them, that he kept pushing a slew of his reservations aside in favor of...tenuous hope.
In the almost two weeks since s
he’d finagled her way into sharing a single tent with him, they had spent some portion of most days together...and a few of the nights. Those nights were beyond description, or, at least, beyond anything Gavin had known before. Sex with Haley was physically pleasurable, no doubt, but also...satiated him on a deeper level.
He didn’t know how to express what that meant, exactly, but he recognized the importance. Recognized the rarity of such a connection. And hell, even that scared him.
When they weren’t in bed, they were usually talking about one thing or the other. Lately, she’d been real interested in his plans for the camp, had offered to help—with research, with his renovations. With his business, too. And while he knew she meant the offers and would likely bend herself into a pretzel making good on them, he always declined.
Agreeing, letting her more fully in, would require a lot of faith. He’d have to completely push past his defenses, and he couldn’t quite force himself to go there. Sometimes, he didn’t think he’d ever get to the point where that would feel doable. Though, when he was with Haley—awash in her energy and belief—trying came easier. Seemed less impossible than those moments he was stuck in his own head, running through the possible outcomes.
Those worst-case scenarios that refused to dissipate.
Part of that, he knew, had to do with the fact that his mother was in Steamboat Springs. How could he focus on the present, on a possible future with a woman, with her so close by? Waiting for him to make a decision he wasn’t sure he had it in him to make.
Or, he supposed, a decision he might not want to make. He’d told Haley the truth: the past was the past, and he didn’t see a lot of sense in sifting through the dirt.
But the thought of his mother sitting in an apartment, in a city that wasn’t her own, waiting for him to show up at her door, was beginning to weigh hard and heavy. He picked up the envelope and turned it over, to the flap side, and almost...almost gave in and opened the darn thing. The second he started picking at the sealed flap, an invisible fist slammed into his gut and all of those old feelings resurfaced, damn near choking him with their strength, their negativity.
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