“You are a kidnapper…”
“Yes, we’ve been over this. I needed them for a spell.”
“For the Sigil of Altazan?”
“Yes,” I say.
“Which will not make you wealthy,” Gerald says.
“Well, we’ll have to agree to disagree on that.”
“You can’t summon wealth with it.”
“Oh, you just don’t know what you are talking about. I assure you, I will have plenty of wealth once I cast the Sigil of Altazan.”
Hit Them Where It Counts
Tabitha, Tabitha, Tabitha. Let’s see what you would recommend. I have three heroes I need taken care of and am in dire need of a spell to make them regret waking up this morning. Do you have a chapter on regrets?
Traps Do More Than Explode. Tempting, but, I think I’m past that tactic. Besides the goblins would just trip them.
Oh. Low Blow. I remember a bit about this chapter. Weren’t there spells about sabotaging the hero’s underwear? I remember a quote from this chapter that made me positively giddy.
Nothing preoccupies a hero more than a threat to that tender area between their legs.
That sounds promising but I’m not certain it will do me any good with this lot. I know Leo and Cassandra aren’t wearing underpants and Katie…I’m not convinced she could wear those pants and anything else under them. What’s the chapter before that? Hurting Heroes Without Bloodshed. I remember a bit of this chapter as well. Yes, go around the obvious problems. Or was that Low Blow? Ah, if it stops the heroes it is all just as good.
Whether you are sensitive to the sight of blood, are looking for a challenge, or just want to think outside that proverbial box, this chapter will have everything you need!
Yes! Thinking outside the box. That’s what I’m looking for. Let me read down further…
You don’t need to always think big. Most of the long lived witches and sorceresses and wizards all have one thing in common: they know when to cast that big ball of flame and that town engulfing spell and when not to.
Pinpricks. I want you to say the word aloud right now. Pinpricks. Any fool can summon a pack of dire hounds or cast some storm of ice, but how strong are the heroes? Chances are they’ve slain their share of dire hounds and dragons and maybe even liches (and to any liches that are reading this I hope you know that you are not truly immortal). You know what most heroes aren’t prepared for? The little things in life.
In this chapter, and in the next chapter, Low Blow, I will discuss ways to deal with the heroes in the most unlikely of ways. Your heroes are expecting you to just summon a huge injury filled ball of death. Don’t play into their hands. Make them play into yours.
That’s right. I’ve been going about this all wrong. I don’t need the heroes dead or my prisoners. I need them stopped, by any means necessary. Oh Tabitha, show me something that I can use against the heroes!
“What are you doing?” Gerald asks.
Oh, am I smiling Gerald? Does that make you nervous? Oh, I could practically skip for joy!
“Planning the demise of your friends,” I say.
Let’s see, hair removal? Tempting but really just an annoyance. Skin coloration? Blue, bright pink…no. The Emperor’s Used Clothes? Cassandra and Leo are practically naked now. No. Glue? That could…no, that’s a trap. I don’t need goblins stuck to the floor like so many flies stuck to a flytrap. That would aid the heroes more than hinder them. No.
Oh! Yes! This!
The Gildensnatch
Why are the heroes even in your lair? Fame? Fortune? Well, removing the first will take more time and money than you may imagine. There is little you can do without a complex campaign to make people see those heroes as anything but heroes. The second, their fortune, can be sapped with a simple demonic summon spell. No binding contract required!
These little fiends are all over the Nether Realms. They’re like rodents. Big rodents. But, they only eat one thing: Gold! The heroes aren’t just trying to save their own hides from a Gildensnatch. Gold is the reason they are in your lair in the first place. Teach those heroes that if they come looking for your riches that you’ll just destroy theirs in return! No hero will think that invading your lair or dungeon is a way to get rich. They’ll tell all their hero friends about how much money they lost coming to invade you!
I remember this now. I was always wondering, why would I summon gold eating fiends? That sounded stupid. That was the old me. The me living in the present is thinking of just how brilliant this is! But I’ll need a few of these Gildensnatches. I can spare the energy, I think.
Let’s see…oh this is going to require a sigil, is it? It’s a summoning spell so that isn’t unexpected. I take a piece of chalk from the altar and pick up the book with my magic and walk over to a section of floor that has been cleared.
“What are you casting?” Gerald asks.
“You’ll see,” I say with a wicked smile. Oh, you will see.
This will be great! You know what I should do. I should let Gerald see his friends cry over the loss of their gold. When he sees how he ranks in their eyes to simple wealth, Gerald will be shattered! I’ll say, see how they cry over their gold and not you? They don’t care about you Gerald. All the care about are your healing spells.
Let me see. I’ll just look over the page that has the sigil in it. Is that the complete sigil? Not really complex, is it? Oh well, so long as it works I don’t care. It doesn’t take me long to take some chalk and draw out the sigil. Chalk isn’t always good but since this is just a quick spell I can get away with it. The problem with chalk is it wears away too fast and if you don’t press hard enough the sigil won’t work. And chalk never works for runes. You have to carve runes or prepare a surface to trace them with your finger.
I stand back and admire my sigil. I look to the book and then to the sigil on the floor. Let’s test it.
I begin casting. There is a flame, bright red, unnaturally red, that engulfs the entire area of the sigil. The flames are turning blood red! I hope this is what is supposed to happen. Soon there is a howl and the first Gildensnatch appears! The flames die down and I can get a good look at it.
It is a hairless thing, running on four legs with sharp claws. The mouth is freaky; it is rounded almost like a human mouth but on a bat like face. It seems to smile at me with these sharp teeth, whipping a spiked tail around behind it. Let me cast the spell again.
The first walks off of the sigil as I begin casting. Soon another one appears and walks over to where the first one stands. They both stand there looking at me with an occasional glance to Gerald or my goblins.
“Don’t attack them,” I warn the goblins. “I’ll let them eat you if you do.”
“Yes highness.”
I cast the spell two more times. Four Gildensnatches. This will be great! Four against three.
Oh. I feel a little woozy. I shouldn’t summon any more. I want to but collapsing on the floor will not be a smart tactical decision on my part. I need to be careful, pace myself. It’s a marathon, not a race, as they say.
“Obey me!” I command. The four Gildensnatches bow down to me. Excellent. “Go and hunt the three heroes in my lair! Kill them!”
The Gildensnatches howl and run off past some terrified goblins. I laugh, loud. This will be great!
Poor Gerald has been silent this whole time. Does he know what they are? Does he know what’s going to happen to his friends and his sister? I stand there in front of him, smiling, hands on my hips, looking as domineering as I can.
“You look nervous. Are you? They’re going to rip the others apart. Do you want to see them rend your friends and your sister to shreds?” I ask Gerald.
He really does looks nervous.
“What…what are those things?” Gerald asks.
“Gildensnatches,” I say.
“They…they eat gold,” Gerald says.
He has heard of them, has he? Maybe they’re some mythic folk story that heroes tell to scare one anoth
er.
“They do. I’m surprised you know that,” I say.
“They come from one of the domains of hell…” Gerald says, his voice trailing off.
“Yes. And who has more gold than a party of heroes?” I ask, smiling widely.
Oh. His confidence is growing. I can watch it growing in him like my last lover’s little warrior, ever so slowly and proud.
“They’ll survive. They’ll defeat this latest horror you’ve cast.”
“Let’s see, shall we?” I ask.
I walk over to my cauldron to cast the image in it onto the wall so Gerald can watch with me. Now then, how was it…the spell that projects the scrying cauldron onto another surface goes like…no, no. That’s not it. Come on, I know this. Oh yes! I remember now.
There! The image is there in front of Gerald on the wall opposite him, to my right. I wave my hand over the cauldron for dramatic effect. Let’s see the heroes, shall we?
“...othing in this hall,” Katie says with ire in her voice.
They are in a hall not far from my great hall. They wasted time searching some old barracks, did they? Well, good for me.
“We need to make certain,” Leo says.
“I know. I know,” Katie says.
“I want to find Gerald as much as you do,” Cassandra says.
“I never said you didn’t. I’m his sister. He’s my responsibility,” Katie says.
“Oh, a lot of guilt is climbing on those soft shoulders of hers if something should happen to you,” I say.
“If you were going to do something to me, you would have done it by now,” Gerald says.
“Perhaps I was just waiting for a good reason,” I say.
I turn back to the scrying image.
“…oblins,” Cassandra says.
“Is it important?” Katie asks.
“It could be,” Leo says.
“Gerald could be anywhere,” Katie says.
“I’m here!” Gerald yells.
I just laugh.
“She’ll hear me,” Gerald says.
“Not with runes up making this little temple sound proof,” I say.
“But you were talking earlier…because of a different spell you cast.”
“You are smart for a priest, aren’t you?” I ask.
Gerald’s heart crumples a little when he realizes he can’t talk to his sister. Soon he will realize he is watching her doom, helpless to intervene or help! It will be so delightful to watch!
“Now, pay attention,” I say.
The howling has reached the ears of the heroes. They pause.
“What is that?” Leo asks.
“Wolves?” Katie asks.
“Could be anything. Wargs, dire wolves, wild hounds…” Cassandra says.
“There!” Leo says, pointing as the first Gildensnatch turns around the corner.
“What is that?” Katie asks.
“I don’t know,” Cassandra says.
“They’re charging!” Leo says. “Prepare yourselves!”
The first Gildensnatch lunges at Leo. So quick. Unlike my goblins. The Gildensnatch is battled away by that large sword Leo wields but it scratches Leo across his arm before flying away. Two more rush Leo while his attention is diverted for a quick moment to the painful scratch the first Gildensnatch left him. The teeth and claws of the next two sink into his side and waist. Blood leaks down his side as Leo cries out in pain. Why are they focusing so much on his waist?
No! They’re not going after Leo. They want the gold he has around his belt!
Katie throws a dagger at a Gildensnatch. Her magical dagger! The one with the golden hilt! The Gildensnatch screams in pain as her dagger plunges into it. The Gildensnatch turns to Katie while another leaps onto the back of the Gildensnatch that got hit. It licks the hilt of the dagger. The gold hilt just disappears while Katie’s outstretched hand is expecting her new toy to return. But it won’t! Your new toy is broken Katie! Oh, the look on Katie’s face when the dagger doesn’t return to her is priceless. She looks like she’s going to cry. I can watch as her heart breaks. The arrogant assurance that her dagger will return, then the questioning glance wondering why, then the shock as she watches the gold around the dagger disappear, her hand still outstretched, waiting for her new toy to return to her, and finally the soul crushing realization that it will never return to her! The Gildensnatches broke it! They did! Oh, how wonderful!
“Do you see?” I say to Gerald. “Look at your sister. She looks like she’s about to cry!”
“She has more daggers,” Gerald says.
“Not any that if she lost would make her tear up like that. Look at her! Look at that broken hearted look in her watery eyes.”
“They weren’t watery.”
“They were. I have a better view from over here,” I say.
Ha! What about the other heroes? Oh, Leo lost his coin purse! I see the bit of torn leather hanging from the side of his belt. Two Gildensnatches are literally licking up the gold coins from the ground!
Oh shit! They are only licking up the coins. Stop! Leo can still…yup, he took the head off of one. The other has reared back, growling. Yeah idiot, they are still a threat! Kill the warrior than eat his money!
Cassandra. What have you been up to? Being cautious with your magic, have you? You’ve wounded one, I can see the little ice shards sticking out of it. My god, are those things durable. I’ve been spending too much time with goblins. I’ve forgotten just how fearsome some creatures can truly be.
Aww. Katie has pulled out more daggers, plugging them into the one she’s fighting. They can sniff out all that gold she has squirreled away. She’s angry. Her face is this lovely shade of red and her eyes are red with wrath and tears. Her teeth are grit together. She’s acting like I just killed her child! How petulant! Does Gerald see her? Do I need to zoom in on her face to show Gerald? No, he sees her. He has this sympathetic look about him like he can feel Katie’s pain.
Cassandra screams! What happened? Who did what?
The one she was fighting has tackled her! Finish her! Do it you stupid demon spawn!
“Cassandra!” Katie yells. She…she’s ignoring her own defenses to throw daggers into that Gildensnatch on top of Cassandra? What about all that anger, the, ‘argh, you ate my precious dagger’ rage? Let Cassandra get eaten and get your revenge Katie.
The one Katie was fighting has leapt on her back, bringing Katie down to a knee.
“Katie!” Gerald yells.
“She still can’t hear you,” I say, smiling.
Gerald is really concerned. And he should be. Oh, the Gildensnatch found that endless pouch of hers. What’s it doing? Oh! Oh! Ha, ha, ha! It’s stuck that long tongue into that magical pouch and it’s licking up everything she has in there! Lick it up! Get it all!
By the gods…it looks like it’s humping her back as it struggles to stay on top of her and eat. It has those sharp claws dug into her side and back while slipping a long tongue into her enchanted pouch and trying to stay on…let’s just say Katie looks quite popular!
“Get it off! Ow! Get it off!” Katie is yelling. She hasn’t noticed it eating all her precious treasures yet! There will be tears! If she was emotional about the dagger this will make her suicidal!
Leo has killed the second Gildensnatch he was fighting and rushes over to swipe at the Gildensnatch that is on Katie. She’s trying to stab it but the Gildensnatch is at such an awkward position that getting in a good blow isn’t possible. She’s just nicking it here and there.
Leo’s claymore is more than enough for that Gildensnatch. He swings into it, striking the beast but missing the head. The Gildensnatch screams and falls off of Katie’s back. While Katie scrambles to her feet Leo swings again. Even I’m impressed; cut the damned thing in half.
Cassandra has struggled to her feet. It’s a struggle with the Gildensnatch climbing to her licking…is it licking at her boobs? Are they gold plated or something?
Cassandra casts a spell and there is a
flash of light. The Gildensnatch flies away from her, skidding down the hall. It isn’t moving. It is dead I guess.
Cassandra gets to her stilettoed feet, exhausted, but proud.
“Well, that was…” Cassandra begins to say as the twins fall free from her top! Ha! Ha! Oh, look at that! Physics is vindicated at last! “Ahhh!” Cassandra screams, covering herself up with both arms. You don’t have long enough arms. She is struggling to hold everything in. I didn’t think a human’s face could get that red. Look at that! She looks like a tomato, holding two larger tomatoes.
“Cassandra!” Leo says, rushing to her aid, leaving Katie to finish getting up on her own. Clearly Leo has his priorities straight. The power of boobs compels him.
“Abandoning your sister like that for Cassandra’s endowments,” I say, giving Gerald a fake pout. “So sad.”
Gerald isn’t saying anything. He’s stunned. It’s as if reality stopped working and his mind is struggling to make sense of what he is seeing.
“Let me help you,” Leo says.
“I’m…I’m fine…it just…caught me by surprise is all,” Cassandra says.
It shouldn’t catch you by surprise. Your girls running free is what should have happened five steps after putting that damned thing on. That is not active wear for someone with your body type. Hell, that isn’t active wear for my body type. I’d always be stuffing my breasts in that thing and I’m not anywhere near your size.
“No…no, no, no!” Katie cries.
The tears begin!
“What is it?” Leo asks while Cassandra adjusts herself.
“Dust…flakes…it’s gone…” Katie says. “All of it. Gone. Just…all…all…gone.”
Ha, ha! I think I broke Katie. She can’t form sentences anymore.
“What is?”
“Gold. Gold,” she says softly, dipping her hand into her pouch and pulling up dust. “Gold…gone…gold…gold…”
Her eyes are wide and…is that a tear rolling down her cheek? No. It’s just sweat. But it could have been a tear with how depressed she looks.
“Aww, is she going to cry?” I ask Gerald.
“You cost us a lot of gold is all,” Gerald says. “Nothing that can’t be replaced.”
The Goblin Queen and the Sigil of Altazan (The League of Sinister Means Book 2) Page 11