Positive parenting
But more and more people are turning to positive parenting. In 2001, the Open School Network – in partnership with Save The Children – produced a video called We Can Work It Out, subtitled Parenting With Confidence. The video is a before and after look at children who were parented with criticism then parented with praise.
During the criticism-based parenting, the children behaved exactly as the adults did. That is, if the parent shouted then the child shouted. If the parent pointed aggressively then the child pointed aggressively. The segment was called Copy Cats and explained how ‘much of our own behaviour determines the behaviour of our children.’
The parents then went on a parenting course and began to praise the good things that their children did rather than concentrating on the negative. The result was happier parents and more responsive children. Even parents with autistic children were helped as clinicians showed how to make a bedroom a pleasant place for an autistic child who had previously been very distressed when left in his room.
The video showed that children mainly felt fear when a parent was angry and that the child learned little or nothing from the verbal or physical assault. But when parents acknowledged their children’s good behaviour – even the little things – the entire family became happier.
Parents on such positive parenting courses find that they get results when they are loving and give praise – not when they shout and criticise and hit.
A planet without pain
Slowly, the world is becoming aware that corporal punishment by parents promotes violence and constitutes an assault. Sweden was one of the first to ban smacking, doing so in 1979. They’ve subsequently seen impressive reductions in youth convictions for theft and for alcohol abuse. At the moment, over fifty children a year die in Britain at their parent’s hands and more than three thousand children a year die in America at their parents’ hands – but Sweden has only had one such death in the past seven years.
In 1983 Finland followed, as did Norway in 1987 and Austria in 1989. The nineties saw further strides towards abolition with Cyprus banning all corporal punishment in 1994, Latvia in 1998 and Croatia in 1999. Germany followed in 2000, for their research showed a clear link between hitting a child (which included even light smacking) and later adult violence. Italy, South Africa and Belgium have also made anti-corporal punishment statements that have yet to be confirmed in legislation. Sadly, both America and Britain still take a punitive stance.
Gavin de Becker, the survivor of a violent home, went on to establish a forty-six member agency which specialises in predicting violence. He has written that it is crucial that we stop mistreating children and view them ‘not as temporary visitors who will someday grow into citizens, but as fully fledged, fully contributing, fully entitled members of our society just as they are right now.’
Murray Strauss an expert on family violence has said ‘I want to see a national effort to help people avoid using physical punishment… 99% of the physical punishment that goes on, parents don’t want to hit their kids. They just feel it’s necessary for the child’s own good.’ He adds that most of these parents haven’t even considered alternative methodologies.
Strauss explains that when Sweden introduced a complete ban on smacking in 1979, three quarters of the population were against it. Nowadays, three quarters of Sweden’s population are in favour of the ban.
Moving on
But we don’t have to wait for a change in the law before we create a non violent future. Adults who dare to recognise how their parents damaged them can avoid making the same mistakes.
Dorothy Rowe has written that though we may not be able to forgive such parents we can pity them ‘just as we can pity the child we once were, and so remember our past with sadness and mourning. Those of us who suffered in childhood, and most of us did, can never again live in total bliss, but it is better to live freely with sadness than to trap ourselves in denial and depression.’
Sadly, at the moment such depression is rife. More than seven thousand people in the UK commit suicide each year. That is, someone kills themselves every seventy-nine minutes. And one in four people will be deemed mentally ill at any one time. Depression is now so common that it often goes unremarked and we are becoming a Prozac nation. The UK anti-depressant market is valued at 600 million pounds, the second largest in the world. It’s no accident that both child abuse and subsequent adult depression are on the rise.
Paul Mones dedicates his book When A Child Kills ‘to all the children who suffer silently at the hands of their parents.’ He especially thanks those children he interviewed who have to read his words from the confines of their dimly lit cells.
Most of these children will eventually be freed and have their first chance of happiness – assuming they aren’t killed by enraged members of the public. Ironically these members of the public will make no connection between their own humiliating childhoods and their current aggressive stance. So misery is passed on from generation to generation, for as the philosopher Santayana said ‘those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.’
Appendix: Useful information
Helpful organisations
Childline – a 24 hour free helpline that any child in distress can call.
Tel: 0800 1111
National Society For The Prevention Of Cruelty To Children – a 24 hour free helpline that anyone who fears a child is being hurt can call. Tel: 0808 800 5000
Children Are Unbeatable! Alliance, 94 White Lion Street, London N1 9PF – an alliance of organisations and individuals seeking legal reform to give children the same protection as adults under the law on assault. They also promote positive, non-violent discipline. For a membership form, send an SAE marked ‘Please Send Membership Details.’
Free leaflets
EPOCH, 77 Holloway Road, London, N7 8JZ. For a free copy of the leaflet The Anti-Smacking Guide To Good Behaviour by Penelope Leach, send an SAE marked ‘Penelope Leach Leaflet.’
Kidscape, 2 Grosvenor Gardens, London, SW1W 0DH. For a free copy of the leaflet Why My Child? which helps parents deal with the sexual abuse of their child, send a large SAE marked ‘Why My Child?’
Recommended reading
Banished Knowledge: Facing Childhood Injury by Alice Miller (Virago, 1990)
The Successful Self by Dorothy Rowe (Harper Collins, 1993)
Toxic Parents by Dr Susan Forward (Bantam Press, 1990)
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin de Becker (Bloomsbury, 1997)
Select Bibliography
Bell, David Murder Casebook: Staffordshire & The Black Country Countryside Books, 1996
Bellini, Jon Child’s Prey Pinnacle Books, 2001
Britton, Paul The Jigsaw Man Corgi Books, 1998
Carnes, Patrick Out Of The Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction CompCare Publishers, 1983
de Becker, Gavin The Gift Of Fear Bloomsbury, 1997
DeFelice, Jim Kill Grandma For Me Pinnacle Books, 1998
Elliott, Michelle (edited) Female Sexual Abuse Of Children: The Ultimate Taboo Longman, 1993
Eskapa, Roy Bizarre Sex Parrallel Books, 1995
Frasier, David K Murder Cases Of The Twentieth Century Macfarland, 1996
Gekoski, Anna Murder By Numbers Andre Deutsch, 1999
Hale, Don Town Without Pity Century, 2002
Hare, Robert Without Conscience Warner Books, 1994
Harrower, Julie Applying Psychology To Crime Hodder & Stoughton, 1998
Holt, John How Children Fail Penguin Books, 1964
Jackson, David Destroying The Baby In Themselves Mushroom Publications, 1995
Jacobs, David (edited) Sex Sadists Pinnacle Books, 2000
Jacobs, David (edited) Too Young To Die Pinnacle Books, 2001
Jones, Frank Murderous Innocents Headline, 1994
Kingsbury, Karen Missy’s Murder Dell Publishing, 1991
Knox, Patricia Troubled Children: A Fresh Look At School Phobia The Self Publishing Associati
on, 1990
Lane, Brian The 1995 Murder Yearbook Headline, 1994
Lasseter, Don (updated by) Killer Kids Pinnacle Books, 1998
Lewis, Dorothy Otnow Guilty By Reason Of Insanity Arrow Books, 1999
Leyton, Elliott Sole Survivor John Blake Publishing, 2001
Markman, Ronald & Bosco, Dominick Alone With The Devil Futura, 1991
Miller, Hugh Unquiet Minds Headline, 1995
Mones, Paul When A Child Kills: Abused Children Who Kill Their Parents Pocket Books, 1991
Morris, Greggory W The Kids Next Door William Morrow & Co, 1985
Morrison, Blake As If Granta Books, 1998
Newton, Michael Killer Kids Loompanics Unlimited, 2000
Pantziarka, Pan Lone Wolf: True Stories Of Spree Killers Virgin Publishing, 2000
Ramsden, Mark & Randall, Housk Radical Desire Serpent’s Tail, 2000
Reel, Guy & Perrusquia, Mark & Sullivan, Bartholomew The Blood Of Innocents Pinnacle Books, 1995
Rowe, Dorothy The Successful Self Harper Collins, 1993
Sagar, Ron Hull, Hell And Fire: The Extraordinary Story Of Bruce Lee Highgate Publications (Beverley), 1999
Sereny, Gitta The Invisible Children: Child Prostitution In America, Germany And Britain Andre Deutsch, 1984
Sereny, Gitta Cries Unheard: The Story Of Mary Bell Macmillan, 1998
Sereny, Gitta The Case Of Mary Bell Pimlico, 1995
Schechter, Harold Fiend Pocket Books, 2000
Smith, David James The Sleep Of Reason Century, 1994
Thomas, Mark Every Mother’s Nightmare Pan Books, 1993
Tutt, Norman (edited) Violence HMSO, 1976
Ward, Bernie Families Who Kill Pinnacle Books, 1993
Wilson, Colin A Plague Of Murder Robinson, 1995
Wilson, Patrick Children Who kill Michael Joseph, 1973
Magazines, reports and leaflets
Be A Great Mum column in Best, 19th March 2002. Article by Julia Goodwin on how to encourage children’s compassion.
Child Abuse leaflet Kidscape.
It Is Our World Too! A report on the lives of disabled children. For the UN General Assembly Special Session On Children. By Gerison Lansdown New York, September 2001.
Insider magazine vol 2 no 5 Pets In Prison. Article by Peter J Lewis.
Master Detective, February 2002. Article Teenage Rage by Micky Cohen.
Observer Magazine, 20th January 2002. Feature Back To The Beginning by Jo Carlowe.
Prevent Bullying: A Parents Guide leaflet Kidscape.
Protect Children From Paedophiles leaflet Kidscape.
Stop Bullying leaflet Kidscape.
You Can Beat Bullying leaflet Kidscape.
Webography
Children Are Unbeatable
www.childrenareunbeatable.org.uk
The True Crime Library http://crimelibrary.com
Filmography
The James Bulger Story Broadcast in Britain on Channel Five 2000.
A Killer Among Friends Bonnie Raskins Production in association with Green Epstein. Broadcast courtesy of Lorimar Television.
The Kids That Kill: The Killer At Thurston High Broadcast in Britain on Channel Four 2000. WGBH / Frontline Co-production with The Kirk Documentary Group.
Manhunt: Catching A Child Killer Broadcast in Britain on ITV 2001. Ray Fitzwalter Associates.
Paedophile Priests Correspondent. Broadcast BBC2 17th March 2002.
Sexual Abuse Within The Family Kilroy talk show. Broadcast BBC1 March 2002.
Unforgiven: The Boys Who Murdered James Bulger Despatches investigation for Channel 4. Broadcast 2000.
We Can Work It Out: Parenting With Confidence An Open School Network Production in association with Save The Children. Produced 2001.
Index
Adopted Child Syndrome, 1
alcoholism, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19
Allnutt, William, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Anderson, Scott, 1
animal cruelty, 1
Attention Deficit Disorder, 1, 2
Ball, Jerry, 1
Barratt, Peter Henry, 1
Bell, Mary, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9
Betts, Arva, 1
Black, Robert, 1, 2, 3
Bradley, James, 1
Brown, Martin, 1, 2, 3
Bulger, James, 1, 2
Children Are Unbeatable, 1, 2, 3, 4
Children’s Society, 1
children who kill strangers, 1, 2
children wrongly convicted, 1
Collier, Cindy, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,
Cooper, Dana, 1, 2, 3
Cratton, Steven, 1
Craven, Tony, 1
Cuccio, Rob, 1, 2, 3,
cult killer, 1, 2, 3
Dinsdale, Peter, see Lee, Bruce
disabled children, 1
disorganised killer, 1
Downing, Stephen, 1, 2
Dowthitt, Delton, 1
Dowthitt, Dennis, 1
Doyle, Laura, 1
Dungeons & Dragons, 1, 2, 3
eroticised corporal punishment, 1
Eskapa, Dr Roy, 1, 2
Evans, James, 1, 2
exceptionally young killers, 1
family killer, 1, 2, 3
Ferrell, Rod, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
flogging, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
folie a deux, 1, 2
gang-based killer, 1, 2
Gardner, Wendy, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
Garrett, Johnny, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9
Goodwin, Julia, 1
grandparents, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
hate killer, 1, 2
Heide, Kathleen, 1
Home Office, 1, 2
Houseknecht, Kenny, 1
Howe, Brian, 1
Hughes, Kevin (Peanut), 1,
hyperactivity, 1
incest, 1
incidental killer, 1
infant killer, 1, 2, 3, 4
IQ, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13
Isa, Maria, 1
Isa, Tina, 1
Isa, Zein, 1
Jahnke, Richard, 1
Jones, Harold, 1
Kallinger, Michael, 1
Kemper, Ed, 1
Kessee, Charity, 1
Kidscape, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Kinkel, Kip, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
Klebold, Dylan, 1
Knox, Patricia, 1, 2, 3, 4
Leach, Penelope, 1, 2
Lee, Bruce, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Lewis, Dorothy, 1, 2, 3
masturbation, 1
matricide, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
McDonald, Candy, 1
menstruation, 1, 2
mentally ill killer, 1, 2
mother-son incest, 1
murder, attempted, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11
murder, statistics, 1, 2, 3
Nelme, Samuel, 1
oral sex, forced, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
organised killer, 1, 2
paedophiles, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11,
para-suicide, 1, 2
parentally-encouraged killer, 1
patricide, 1, 2, 3
Pica, Sean, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Pierson, Cheryl, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
Pomeroy, Jesse, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
pornography, adult, 1
pornography, child, 1, 2, 3, 4
Prozac, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
prostitution, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
psychopaths, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
Rayner, Claire, 1, 2, 3
Ritalin, 1, 2, 3
Roberts, David Wynne, 1
rock music, 1
Rowe, Dorothy, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
Save The Children, 1, 2
school killer, 1
secularity, 1
Sellers, Sean, 1, 2, 3
Severson, Karen, 1, 2
sex killer, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
single parent families, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
Smith, Bernard, 1
&nbs
p; socially inept killer, 1
sodomy, forced, 1, 2
spree killing, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
statutory rape, 1, 2
Stinney, George, 1, 2
Thompson, Robert, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11
Tombs, Jennifer, 1, 2
vampirism, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
Venables, Jon, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
videos, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11
Ward, Robert, 1
Wardell, Gordon, 1
Wendorf, Heather, 1
West Memphis Three, 1
Wolf, Shirley, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Woodham, Luke, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Yakovlev, Andrie, 1
Yakovlev, Vitya, 1
Yakovlev, Volodya, 1
York, William, 1
Zenere, Frank, 1
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About the Author
CAROL ANNE DAVIS was born in Dundee, moved to Edinburgh in her twenties and now lives in southwest England. She left school at fifteen and was everything from an artist’s model to an editorial assistant before going to university. Her Master of the Arts degree included Criminology and was followed by a postgraduate diploma in Adult and Community Education.
Children Who Kill: Profiles of Pre-Teen and Teenage Killers Page 28