by June Belfie
She wrapped the clothes in a tight ball and managed to get past her mother without being questioned. After depositing the package in the back of the buggy, she returned to say good bye. Guilt nearly consumed her as she made her way towards the market. She convinced herself it wasn’t really that wrong to just pretend for a day to be English. Goodness, she didn’t plan to run away!
She tethered the horse to a post and changed her clothes in a public restroom before heading towards the market place. She felt foolish in her tight black leather shoes and hoped Randy wouldn’t notice. Maybe he wouldn’t even recognize her without her kapp and plain clothing.
There were several customers already there and he never looked over. Finally, she made her way into the crowded stand and picked up a package of the coffee she usually purchased for home. After reading and re-reading the label—front and back, she realized Randy was standing right beside her. He was smiling broadly, but hadn’t said a word. She grinned back. “Remember me?”
“Well, for a minute, I thought I knew who you were, but…now I’m not so sure. Beth?”
She giggled. “The one and only.”
“You look so different! Aren’t you Amish anymore?”
“I am, but not for a couple hours. I felt like pretending to be an Englisher. What do you think?” She turned totally around, astonishing herself at her boldness.
“I like it a lot. Your hair is beautiful. And your shoes!”
She gasped. “Oh, gracious.”
“They look cute. Listen, why don’t you come back in an hour. I’m leaving since my friend’s brother is coming in to help. He won’t need me.”
“That might be fun. I want to know more about the banking business.”
He laughed and nodded. “I’m sure you’re fascinated. I’ll meet you at the bench we sat on and then maybe you’d like to go for ice cream with me.”
“I’d love it. I have some shopping, but I should be done by then.” She turned and walked away, feeling his eyes on her each step of the way. Oh, what was she doing? Gott, help me not to be too crazy. I just want to have a little fun before I’m too old.
Anna put away the gardening tools and called the children in for their main meal. She had leftover meat loaf, which she served cold between homemade wheat bread. The kids loved it that way, with gobs of ketchup soaked into the bread. The boys tussled as they lined up to wash their hands and she shook her head. “Where’s your schwester?”
“She’s coming,” Matthew said as he skipped the bar of soap and wiped his soiled hands on her clean dish towel.
“Matt, what have I told you about using soap?” Anna said, scowling.
“Oops, I forgot. Next time, Mamm.” He grinned an adorable smile and she looked away before he could see she was amused.
Rachel came quickly through the back screen door and lined up behind Luke and Mark. “I think Frisky’s gonna have pups. She’s awful fat.”
“It wouldn’t surprise me,” Anna said as she placed the dishes around the table and added a dish with her homemade sweet pickles in the center.
“I hope she has ten puppies,” Rachel remarked as she placed her hands under the water.
“What would we do with so many dogs?” Mark asked.
“Give them to friends. And keep a couple. We would, wouldn’t we, Mamm?”
“I guess. I’d rather have a goat though. I love goat cheese,” Anna said.
“Maybe we can trade pups for a goat,” Mark suggested.
Anna laughed. “Actually, your gross-daed mentioned getting one for me at market, if he could get it at a gut price.”
“Who’s gonna milk it?” Luke asked as he took a fork and pulled out several pickles for his plate.
“I will,” Matthew answered quickly. “You have Barbie to milk. I think I should milk the goat.”
“Can I name her, Mamm?” asked Rachel as she pulled crust from the bread.
“We’ll see. It hasn’t happened yet.” They were all seated now and Anna lowered her head in prayer. The others followed suit.
As soon as Anna shuffled her feet to end the grace, Mark picked up on their conversation. “We should all have a say in naming her.” A frown formed on his young face.
“Jah, Mark’s right,” Matthew added.
Luke nodded in agreement.
Rachel glared at her brothers. “You guys get to do everything! I can at least name a goat!”
“We have to agree!” Mark said, angrily. “Right, Mamm?”
“Now, why can’t we just eat in peace? We don’t even have a goat, for heaven’s sake. I don’t want to hear another word! Now eat.”
They were silent for the next several minutes, but the glaring continued. Anna felt a lump in her stomach. Why did mealtime end up like this so often, she wondered? When Jeremiah was alive… Oh, how she missed him.
After a few minutes, she spoke quietly to her children. “I’d like to have devotions again in the evenings.”
“Ugh.” “No way.” “What for?”
“Now, I don’t want to hear your remarks. I’ll keep it short, but we’ve allowed our Bible reading to vanish from our home. Gott would not be pleased.”
“He should have left Daed here, then,” Mark said under his breath.
“Mark?” Anna tried to appear stern, but they were her own thoughts as well.
“Sorry.”
“After supper, before you go out to play, we’ll spend fifteen minutes reading the Bible. You can take turns reading your favorite verses.”
“Fifteen minutes? That’s a long time,” Mark said.
“Don’t be stupid,” Luke said, “It ain’t that long.”
“Don’t call me stupid! Mamm, you heard him!”
Anna sighed. “You shouldn’t say that, Luke. You know better. Apologize to your bruder.”
“Sorry,” he said in a tone that showed little remorse.
“See? He didn’t mean it!” Mark said.
Rachel jumped in. “He didn’t. I saw him make a funny face.”
“He always makes a funny face,” Matthew added.
“Stop! Right now! Not another word!” Anna rose from the table and shoved part of her meal into the garbage. “I’m going outside. You can clean up without my help. Each of you! And there will be no softball tonight!”
“We had it all planned,” Luke said, angrily.
“That’s just too bad!” Anna scolded. “If I hear any more complaining, I’ll have Onkel Zach come by and handle things.
Everyone became silent. They’d heard tales of Onkel Zach and didn’t want to test their authenticity.
Anna walked outside and knelt to weed the vegetable garden. She prayed as she pulled. Sometimes it all seemed too much to handle. Even though her family tried to come and help, in the end it was up to her to keep the home running smoothly. She sure wasn’t doing a real gut job of it. “Lord, give me more strength and patience. Help me control my kinner better. Please give me wisdom, too, and more humility. And Gott, please don’t let Beth do something crazy like leave the Amish. It would break my heart…even more.” She wiped a tear on her apron and moved to the next row of beans. In the background she heard her children arguing and a couple times something was being slammed on the counter. She tried with all her heart to block out the sounds and her thoughts, but to no avail. Surely, she was a failure as a woman.
Chapter Five
Beth walked over to the bench where she was to meet Randy. He wasn’t there yet. Perhaps he wouldn’t even show up. That would make this whole thing easier, really. She could go home and take this ridiculous clothing off and return it to the thrift shop on her next trip to town. Jah, that’s what she’d do. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Randy heading her way. Her heart rate jumped as she raised her eyes and smiled at him.
“Waiting long?” he asked as he sat beside her.
“Nee, just a couple minutes.”
“Sorry I’m a little late. It got real busy for a few minutes.”
“That’s okay. My feet wer
e getting tired anyway.”
There was a moment of silence as they watched a buggy pass in front of them.
“I hope no one sees me,” Beth said as she checked out the driver and breathed a sigh of relief as she realized the driver was a stranger.
“What would happen?”
“It would get back to my parents.”
“And?”
“Don’t you know about us Amish? We aren’t part of your world. It would not go over well if my parents knew I was dressing in jeans and a fancy blouse.”
“You look sweet. It’s not like you’re showing off.”
“That’s not the way they’d look at it.”
He put his arm on the back of the bench and placed his leg over his other one. Then he turned slightly and smiled at her. “Why are you dressed this way then?”
Goodness, she hadn’t prepared herself for such a question. “Uh, I guess I wanted to see what it felt like to wear something bright and fun.”
“And maybe it feels a little naughty?” he asked turning one side of his mouth up.
She giggled. “Jah, maybe it does.”
“Do you want to leave Lititz? I can drive somewhere safer, where there aren’t so many Amish.”
“I…I shouldn’t.”
“Don’t you trust me?”
“I don’t really know you.”
“Of course. You’re right. I shouldn’t have suggested it. If you’re willing, we can still go get ice cream. You look so different—I doubt anyone would recognize you anyway.”
“Really? If that’s the case, jah, I’d love some chocolate ice cream with whipped cream. Oh, I’ll pay for my own, too. I brought extra money today.”
“Whatever you wish. I thought I’d make the sacrifice, but…”
She laughed. “Maybe sometime I’ll let you pay, but not today.”
They walked over to the shop and Beth took a seat in the back of the room, facing the corner. He ordered two chocolate sundaes and then joined her at the little round table.
“It’s cute in here,” she said. “I haven’t been here in a couple years.”
“Were you on a date when you were here?” he asked, grinning.
“I think I was.”
“How old are you?” he asked.
“Twenty-four.”
“I’m surprised you’re not married yet. A pretty Amish girl like you.”
“Ugh. The men interested in me are so boring. Most have never even been out of the county.”
“I see. Have you traveled much?”
“I went to Florida once by bus. We stayed in an Amish community near Sarasota. It was beautiful there.”
“I like Florida, too. Especially in the wintertime. I thought about moving there once, but I like my job here and I’d probably miss the snow.”
“Not me. I’m cold all winter. The house never gets warm enough for me.”
“It must be hard without central heat.”
“Jah, and in the summer, we sweat!”
He looked amused at her wording and nodded. “Why do you stay Amish then, if you have so many problems?”
“Many reasons. Mainly I don’t want to leave my family and friends. If I left, it would never be the same.”
“Maybe you’d be happier.”
She shifted her body and moved back in her seat. “I don’t know. What about you? Why did you get divorced?”
He whistled through his teeth. “I like your directness, Beth, but it would take a long time to answer. Let’s just say, we weren’t on the same page.”
“That’s it? Couldn’t you be on different pages, but stay in the same book?”
His brows rose. “Hmm. There’s more, but I’m not ready to share. I hope you’ll understand.”
She looked down at her hands and twisted the edge of her blouse. “Sure. Why would you talk about such personal things with a stranger?”
“I’d like to get to know you better, but maybe I’m afraid to.”
She looked up into his eyes. They were beautiful and picked up color from the background. “Afraid?”
“You know what I mean. Like I might start caring too much about you. It wouldn’t be good for you either, do you think? We have no future together.”
She waited a moment before responding. “Nee, we don’t, do we?” It was more of a statement than a question. “Maybe I should leave now.”
“Is that what you want? You haven’t even gotten your sundae yet.”
She smiled weakly. “Jah, I don’t want to waste. I’ll leave when it’s finished.” As if on cue, the girl behind the counter delivered their sundaes, piled high with white frothy whipped cream and maraschino cherries topping them off. “Wow! I hope I can eat supper later.”
He laughed and handed her a long-stemmed spoon resting on her napkin. She delved into it, enjoying every single spoonful. She looked over to find him watching her—a smile bringing forth his cute dimple.
“Am I eating too fast?” she asked, blushing.
“No, but I guess I’ve never seen anyone enjoy ice cream as much.”
“Oh, jah. It schmecks gut! I mean, tastes good.”
“I figured out what you meant,” he said as he grinned.
She left about a tablespoon’s worth at the bottom. Perhaps it was a way to stall her departure.
“I guess I won’t see you again,” she said softly, “unless we need coffee soon.”
He reached into his pants’ pocket and drew out his wallet. Then he removed his professional card and handed it to her. “If you ever want to talk or take a walk or something, call me. Maybe we can at least be friends.”
She took it and read it to herself. “You are a loan manager?”
He nodded. “Oh, if you ever need a loan…”
“Denki. I hope not.”
“How would I get in touch with you, Beth? I don’t even know where you live.”
“Maybe it’s better that way. You’re right. I might have gotten to like you too much.”
He laughed. “That would be terrible.”
“You know what I mean.”
He reached for her hand and held on to it for a moment. “Yes, I know what you mean. I feel it too. We’re doing the right thing. Don’t you think?”
She nodded. “My mind says ‘jah’ and my heart?”
“Hey, look who’s here,” a voice came from across the room. Beth’s heart bounced as she turned to see where the voice was coming from. Fortunately, it was a man in English clothing. A stranger.
“Jack, how long have you been in town?”
The stranger pulled up a chair and sat between them. Randy introduced them and the two men continued to talk about banking, mutual friends and college. It became obvious they’d gone to school together.
“I really must be going,” she said when there was a pause in the conversation. Randy looked up as she rose, his eyes suddenly sad.
“I hope I didn’t interrupt anything,” Jack said, looking from his friend to Beth.
“Nee. No, I was just getting ready to leave anyway,” she said. She felt a pit in her stomach and looked only at Jack as she turned toward the door. Only once she was out of the building did she glance through the large front window. Randy was engrossed in his conversation with his friend. She was already forgotten. An insignificant stranger. She rumpled his card in her pocket as she headed up the street to her waiting buggy. As she passed a public trash can, her hand went into her pocket to retrieve the card, but she let it remain. She wasn’t ready yet to give up a dream.
Before arriving home, she stopped and changed her clothes behind a large group of shrubs where no house was in sight. Then she wadded up the English clothing and pushed it under the seat of her buggy. Next time in town, she’d take them to the thrift shop. That was her plan, though plans can change.
Chapter Six
Sunday morning, Anna awoke around six with a splitting headache. Her monthly was heavier than usual and she decided to take a mild painkiller for her head and cramps. When she laid dow
n again, she fell back to sleep.
A gentle push on her shoulder awoke her. Rachel’s head was a mere five inches from her own. “Mamm, I was scared you were dead,” she said in a trembling voice. “You didn’t get up for church. The boys are outside playing, but I didn’t know what to do. What’s wrong? Why are you still sleeping?”
“Oh, sweetheart. Come let me hug you.” Rachel climbed under the sheet and held on to her mother so tightly, Anna had to move back slightly to catch her breath. “I’m okay. I didn’t feel so gut today and I took aspirin. I guess it made me sleepy. What time is it?”
Rachel looked over at the wind-up clock on her mother’s dresser. “I think it says it’s ten—almost. Can we stay home instead, since it’s so late?”
“I guess we’ll have to. We don’t want to go over this late. I hope your grossmammi won’t worry about us.”
“I bet she will. She worries about lots of stuff.”
Anna laughed and kissed her daughter on the cheek. “You can tell the boys they can take off their Sunday clothes.”
“They never put them on. They said they were going fishing.”
“Oh my. I’m afraid I really messed up, didn’t I?” Anna asked her smiling daughter.
“It will be fun. We can take a walk together. Just you and me.”
“That does sound like fun. I’ll get dressed and fix you something to eat first.”
“I ate already. I finished the lemon sponge pie.”
“Oh, goodness. Don’t tell grossmammi. She’ll think I’m a terrible mamm.”
A few minutes later, mother and daughter were walking around the land together. They stopped to pet Winnie. “We’ll have to put her oats out. I’m sure your bruders didn’t bother to feed any of the animals, although it looks like Luke milked Barbie,” she added as she glanced over the fence at their cow, who was happily grazing in the pasture.
“We were supposed to go to grossmammi’s after church, remember, Mamm?”
“We can still go over later. I’m feeling ever so much better.”