The White Swan was pretty full but Judy spotted Curtis straightaway. She couldn’t miss him as he was standing on a bar stool, holding a pair of blown-up condoms against his chest like a pair of breasts.
‘I’m so sorry,’ Calvin murmured as they made their way towards him but Judy gave a wave of her hand.
‘Don’t worry. I’m used to this now.’ They reached Curtis, who dropped his boobs and hopped down from the stool.
‘Hello, Judy. Long time no see.’ Curtis completely changed his demeanour, practically doffing an imaginary cap as he spoke to Calvin. ‘Let me get you drink.’
Calvin wasn’t going to say no to that. ‘Thanks. I’ll have a pint.’ Judy shot Calvin a warning look. ‘Ha ha. Just kidding. I’ll have a glass of red wine please.’ He eyed the pint Curtis bought for Judy longingly. Red wine just wasn’t the same.
‘So how are the little ones?’ Curtis asked Calvin once the drinks had been sorted. They wandered across to a recently vacated table and settled themselves down. Judy was chatting to Pierce and Richie as though they’d been friends for life and not just a week.
‘I should bring Danielle with me next week,’ Richie was saying. ‘It’d do her good to get out of the house for a bit.’
‘I bet she’ll appreciate the gesture even if she doesn’t fancy spending the night with this lot,’ Judy said, only half kidding.
‘We used to spend every weekend in the pub when we first got together,’ Richie said. ‘Friday night until Sunday evening. I’m surprised we didn’t pickle our insides. Now we’re lucky to have a night out together once a month.’
‘Judy and I were like that.’ Although once a year was more accurate. ‘But we’re going to start making more of an effort.’
Richie nodded, absorbing Judy’s words. ‘Danielle wanted to go to this classical Christmas concert thing but it’s not really my thing. I should stop being a dick and book the tickets, shouldn’t I?’ He took out his phone and began tapping away at the screen.
‘You’ve become a bit of an agony aunt around here,’ Pierce said while Richie was occupied with his phone. ‘Curtis said you’ve been giving him advice about Grace.’
‘I just listened mainly,’ Judy said. She didn’t want to tarnish Calvin’s reputation further by making out he was sensitive or anything barbaric like that.
‘What do you think I should do?’ Pierce shuffled closer to Judy and lowered his voice.
‘About what?’ Judy hoped Pierce didn’t have any intimate itches or burning sensations when he peed.
‘About women.’ Pierce’s eyes pinballed around the pub, making sure nobody was listening in. ‘I haven’t had much success lately. I’m not being big-headed or anything here but I’m not bad looking and I don’t have bad breath or still live with my mum and dad. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.’
‘You could get off Tinder for a start.’ Intrigued, Judy had taken a quick look and hadn’t been impressed with what the app had to offer. ‘You need to relax a bit. Dating isn’t an extreme sport and there’s no rush. You’ll meet the right girl in your own time.’ Judy took a sip of her pint. She’d rather have Calvin’s wine. ‘And when you do meet the right woman, take your time. Don’t ruin it by thinking only of your willy.’
‘Yes!’ Richie threw his fist into the air. ‘Tickets booked. Danielle is going to love this.’
With the children being taken care of, Judy and Calvin stayed at the pub until closing time, walking home through the village hand-in-hand. It was a bitterly cold night but being with Calvin gave Judy a cosy feeling that radiated throughout her body.
‘Tonight has been great,’ she said as they hung their coats up. ‘We should definitely do this more often. Richie is going to ask Danielle to come with him next time so I’ll have some company if she agrees. We’ll just need a babysitter.’
‘Your mum and dad will be back after Christmas,’ Calvin said. ‘They love having the kids to stay over.’
‘That’s true.’ Judy wrapped her arms around Calvin. ‘We could do this more often. Though not every week. There’s only so much of Curtis I can take.’ Judy smiled to show that she was kidding. Sort of. Calvin’s mates weren’t so bad now she’d got to know them.
‘You and Laura should start going out,’ Calvin said. ‘It isn’t much of a break for Laura when you have a night in, is it?’
‘The only problem is she doesn’t have anyone to babysit,’ Judy pointed out. ‘Her parents are in Scotland and you know all about her ex.’
‘Maybe I could babysit,’ Calvin suggested. ‘I owe her after tonight anyway.’
Judy was shocked. ‘You’d do that?’
Calvin shrugged. ‘There’d be no guarantees that any of us would survive but I’d give it a go.’
Judy leaned down to kiss her husband, which was a strange sensation. The unusual height difference gave her a sense of power, which Calvin picked up on immediately.
‘No, Judy,’ he said, creating a bit of distance between them. ‘I’ve told you, we are not doing that until we’ve switched back.’
‘Aren’t you even a little bit curious?’ Judy asked.
‘Not even a tiny bit. There is no way that thing is coming anywhere near me.’ Calvin grinned. ‘Besides, I’ve got a headache.’
Chapter Twenty-One:
The Christmas Fair
The weekend was full-on, even more so than usual. While Scott was at football practice, Calvin took Charlie to her final ballet rehearsal before the Christmas show. Afterwards, while Judy took Charlie to another Christmas story time at the bookshop, Calvin took Scott for a kick about on the playing fields.
‘You need the practice,’ he’d teased before tackling Scott and dribbling the ball pretty spectacularly for a mum who refused to even watch sport on television, never mind partake herself.
‘I didn’t know you were good at football,’ Scott said later as they returned home cold and muddy but happy.
‘I think today was a fluke,’ Calvin said as he flicked on the kettle to make them some hot chocolate to warm them up. ‘But I’m sure your dad will take you out for a kick about at the weekends.’
‘Nah.’ Scott screwed up his nose. ‘He wouldn’t have time for that. He never does.’
‘He will from now on, Scott. I promise.’ Calvin reached for the tin of biscuits and pulled out a couple of gingerbread men. ‘You’ll see. Everything’s going to change around here.’
That evening, while Scott gave his bedroom a thorough tidy (Calvin had got more shout-y about it to show that he cared), Calvin and Charlie sat down in front of her Frozen DVD, Judy’s make-up and nail polishes spread before them. Calvin allowed Charlie to paint his nails neon pink and when he attempted to paint Charlie’s a festive red, he made a far worse job than the six-year-old.
‘They’re beautiful,’ Charlie said, not minding the messiness one bit as she held them out before her. ‘I feel like a real princess now.’ Charlie plonked herself on Calvin’s lap and wedged her head under his chin. ‘I love you, Mummy.’
‘I love you too, sweetie.’ Calvin felt a mixture of pride and love as he stroked his daughter’s soft, strawberry-scented hair. He hadn’t done much, just taken a tiny bit of time out of his day, but it meant the world to his little girl and he knew Scott had appreciated his time too, even if he’d never admit it, even under torture.
The following day was even more hectic, with the school’s Christmas fair taking place in the late afternoon. While Judy went for her final football match with the lads, Calvin and the kids took over the kitchen, whipping up batch after batch of buns and gingerbread biscuits. Calvin had Judy’s detailed instructions but he’d become a dab hand at this baking malarkey. The cakes and biscuits were cooled by the time Judy returned and after a quick shower she entered the kitchen battleground, rolling up her sleeves to do her bit. The children were despatched, Charlie into the sitting room to watch her Frozen DVD and Scott to Jack’s for band practice. They’d made up pretty quickly after their scuffle and were now the best
of friends once again.
With further instructions from Judy, Calvin made up a rainbow of icing, frosting and buttercream. While Judy created a winter wonderland of festive cupcakes, Calvin was tasked with the slightly easier job of decorating the gingerbread men.
‘You’re wasted at The Green Teapot,’ Calvin said as he observed his wife’s handiwork. She’d created fun festive characters from sugar paste to sit upon the cupcakes and iced the gingerbread shapes beautifully and professionally. As well as cupcakes and gingerbread, there were stained-glass stars, snowman-topped macaroons and festive Jammy Dodger-style biscuits. And of course there were mince pies. Lots and lots of mince pies.
Some of the cakes were placed in cello bags and fastened with curling ribbons while others would be displayed on cake stands or in baskets and Christmas-themed boxes.
‘I love baking,’ Judy said. Over the years, her self-confidence had been chipped away but she’d always been confident in her baking. It was something she knew she was good at.
‘You should set up your own business,’ Calvin said. ‘Use that marketing degree. You’ve obviously still got it in you judging by the Benvenuti presentation and I’d help out. And not just with the marketing. Have you seen those mince pies?’ As well as the gingerbread men, Calvin had been solely responsible for the mince pies. Practice certainly did make perfect.
‘It’s something to think about, I guess,’ Judy said. ‘But not now. We need to get all these over to the school before the fair begins.’
The school hall at Perrin Street Primary had been transformed into a festive grotto, with red, green and gold balloons festooned around the room and tinsel draped over every conceivable surface. There were games for the children, such as pin the carrot on the snowman and hook a (tinsel-adorned) duck as well as face painting and balloon modelling. There were stalls of handmade goods, with the village’s knitting group selling festive jumpers and scarves, the gardening club selling festive potted plants and wreaths and the local artist’s group selling their artwork as well as taking commissions. There were handmade gifts on offer, from soaps and candles to jewellery and pottery. But the star of the Christmas fair was of course Santa, who sat in a sleigh on the stage with a sack full of gifts.
‘Can I go and see Santa?’ Charlie asked as soon as they stepped into the hall. She was cushioned between Calvin and Judy, holding each of their hands, but she let go as soon as she saw the big man in red.
‘Whoa, wait a minute.’ Judy caught hold of Charlie before she tore off across the hall. ‘Let’s wait for Scott. He said he’d meet us here.’
Calvin doubted his son would turn up at all, having heard him tell Jack before they set off that afternoon that going to school at the weekend was ‘beyond lame’. But he kept quiet and they waited by the entrance, dodging balloons as children whizzed by clutching them in their hands as they attempted to clobber their friends over the head. ‘Walking in a Winter Wonderland’ played over the sound system and the air was filled with festive scents from both the candle stall and Judy’s cakes. Calvin waved to Abby Frost, who pretended not to notice the gesture. She was not at all happy about being glued to the stall while everybody else had fun.
‘There’s Miss Daniels!’ Charlie bounced up and down while waving at her teacher across the room. Miss Daniels was dressed as a snowman and was mingling amongst the crowds as she attempted to sell raffle tickets. ‘And there’s Scott!’ Charlie raced towards the door as her brother appeared, wrapping her arms around him to give him a tight hug before turning to her parents. ‘Now can I go and see Santa?’
‘Come on then.’ Judy held out her hand, which Charlie took before leading the way. The queue for Santa was quite lengthy but Charlie didn’t seem to mind at all, especially as one of her classmates was in front of her and they chatted away like they hadn’t seen each other for months rather than a couple of days.
‘Hey, Calvin.’ Judy, now used to being addressed by her husband’s name, turned and saw Curtis with a little girl on his hip. ‘Pamela let me have Grace for the afternoon. I told her I was thinking about getting legal advice and she was suddenly very accommodating. I’m only allowed Grace for a couple of hours but it’s better than nothing, right?’
‘Absolutely. And it’s a start.’ Judy turned to the little girl. ‘Are you looking forward to seeing Santa?’
Grace pointed towards the sleigh. ‘Presents.’
Judy laughed. ‘That’s right. But only if you’re a good girl.’
The queue moved slowly but eventually it was Charlie’s turn. She told Santa what she wanted for Christmas – a new bike and a pet snowman called Olaf – before picking a gift from the sack. Inside was a colouring book and pack of crayons, which was even better than a new bike and a pet snowman judging by her reaction.
‘Let’s go and show Mummy,’ Judy said. They snaked their way through the crowds until they located Calvin and Scott at the homebrew stall.
‘One bottle isn’t going to do any harm,’ Calvin was telling their son, but in the end Calvin walked away empty-handed.
The family perused the rest of the stalls and games. Charlie won a stuffed giraffe at the tombola while Judy bought a beaded necklace and matching earrings for Laura. They ate hot dogs and burgers, which Calvin was grateful for as it meant he wouldn’t have to cook dinner, and enjoyed hot chocolates and mulled wine (seriously, Scott. I don’t have a problem).
Slade’s ‘Merry Christmas Everybody’ was suddenly cut short, with Mrs Ephron’s voice taking over the sound system. She was standing on the stage beside the sleigh with a tinsel-wrapped bucket.
‘Thank you everybody for joining us today,’ she said into her microphone. ‘It’s so good to see so many of the community. In a few moments the school choir will be performing for us but first I wanted to draw the winning raffle tickets and then we have the special crowning of this year’s Festive Queen and Princess.’
A bubble of excitement enveloped the hall. Each year, Perrin Street Primary crowned one of the mothers and her daughter and announced them as the Festive Queen and Princess. It wasn’t very PC in this age of equality, but the parents seemed to enjoy the tradition and it had a special place in Mrs Ephron’s heart as she and her mother had been crowned many eons ago and she could still feel that warm glow of pride as the plastic tiara was placed on her head.
‘Are we ready?’ Mrs Ephron shook the bucket containing the raffle tickets before turning to Santa and asking him to do the honours. Charlie clutched the Neils’ tickets and was disappointed when they didn’t win any of the prizes.
‘Never mind,’ Judy said, smoothing down Charlie’s wild curls. ‘Maybe next time. Shall we start heading home?’ The crowning followed by the choir’s performance was always the climax of the school Christmas fair.
‘Not yet,’ Charlie insisted. ‘They haven’t done the Queen and Princess yet.’
Judy saw little point in remaining for the crowning. Abby Frost had been crowned last year and everybody knew she would be crowned again this year. And next year and the year after that until Tabitha moved on to high school. Perhaps she’d still win after that.
Even Abby knew she would win. She’d abandoned the practically empty cake stall and was standing close to the stage, ready to hop up and receive the adoration of the masses. Her smug grin was already in place.
‘And now it’s time to crown our new Festive Queen and Princess.’ Mrs Ephron turned to Abby and Tabitha. ‘Would you like to join me on stage?’
Abby led her daughter onto the stage, smiling serenely down at the crowd. She waved to a couple of the other mothers, who beamed back, astonished that she’d picked them out for special attention.
‘Do you have the tiaras?’ Mrs Ephron asked. Abby handed them over, although she knew they would be back in her display cabinet by that evening. ‘Thank you, ladies. You have served us well.’ Mrs Ephron smiled at Abby and Tabitha, who eventually took the hint and left the stage. Abby wasn’t too put out. It was only right that she got to make an ent
rance again to receive her tiara.
‘The judging panel have thought very hard this year to choose our Festive Queen and Princess.’ The ‘judging panel’ consisted of Mrs Ephron and the deputy head, who considered herself a staunch feminist and so stayed out of the vulgar popularity contest altogether. ‘As you know, the crowned Queen and Princess are chosen for their hard work in and for the school and this year’s Queen and Princess have worked exceptionally hard. The Queen has always worked hard for the school throughout the year but has really put herself forward this Christmas, not only volunteering to help out at the Christmas fair but at the Key Stage One nativity too.’
Abby Frost rolled her shoulders as she prepared to hop onto the stage and receive her prize. She hissed at Tabitha to smile and pinched both their cheeks to make them glow.
‘Our Queen has gone above and beyond this year, stepping in to create new, much-needed nativity costumes.’
Abby frowned. Or at least she would have done if her husband hadn’t treated her to a round of botox. She hadn’t made any nativity costumes.
‘Please welcome our new Festive Queen and Princess to the stage.’ Mrs Ephron paused for effect, whipping the onlookers up into a frenzy. ‘Judy and Charlie Neil!’
‘What?’ Abby shrieked but her voice was swallowed up in the applause that rang out all around her.
‘What?’ Judy laughed. She couldn’t believe it was her name being called out and not Abby’s. When she looked across the room, Abby clearly couldn’t believe it either.
‘Come on, Mummy.’ A grinning Charlie tugged Calvin towards the stage. The raffle was completely forgotten as the tiara was placed on top of her curls. She was a princess. A real, actual princess! Judy didn't care that the tiara was placed on her husband’s head instead of her own. The pinched look on Abby Frost’s face as she marched her daughter out of the hall was prize enough.
The Mince Pie Mix-Up Page 15