by Lauren Wood
The door was locked and there was no fire in the fireplace. I had to do it all myself when not but a day ago; I would come home to a warm home and lights on in every room. I missed it already and when I went in, it still smelled like Chris and it made me cry a little.
Chapter 23
Chris
“It’s good that you got that taken care of. It sounds like a shit hole, so it is good that you were able to find someone that actually wanted it. Why would they give you land there for anyways?”
“Because it’s where I grew up.”
Brandon didn’t say anything for several minutes and I didn’t either. I was in a foul mood, had been since I came back and that was almost two months ago. I don’t know why I was letting everything get to me, but I didn’t have the same patience that I used to. The job wasn’t giving me the satisfaction that I needed either. All the way around, I was unhappy with the way things were going. New York didn’t have the same appeal as it had before for me. I knew why that was and that just irked me even more.
“I didn’t mean anything by it. I certainly wasn’t trying to offend you.”
Brandon was new and at the moment he was sizing me up and he realized that I had to have him by at least a hundred pounds. No, I bet he wasn’t trying to offend me. It made me think about what Molly had said. Sometimes I felt like I didn’t belong in the business world. It was full of soft hands and hearts. I would have never seen myself here ten years ago.
Feeling the palm of my hand, I realized that the callouses that I had gotten in Alaska were gone and now I was back to the soft hands that I’d despised so much in my twenties. Now I was one of them and it hit me a little harder than it should have. Why did it bother me so much?
“You’re fine. It is a shit hole and that’s why I moved away and came here. Well, it’s not a shit hole, it just isn’t for me. It’s a different kind of life then I have here and I only miss some of it. I sold out because I know that I’m not going back.”
“I’m sure you’ll be happy when all of the paperwork is signed and dotted so that you can get that boat I have seen you looking at.”
He was very observant and I knew that he was going to go far in the company. Kissing my ass didn’t hurt his cause either. He was new and I was getting used to the man’s rather direct and sometimes intrusive questioning. He was curious and unlike most that would keep it in, he didn’t have a problem trying to figure it out and didn’t mind asking the questions that no one else wanted to. I wasn’t sure if he had balls or if he was just unaware of how other people took him.
“I’ll be glad when it is over.”
“You don’t sound too happy about it. That’s a lot of money.”
I shrugged. I didn’t really care much for money. I already had more than I would ever need and if I did somehow manage to lose it all, I had an inheritance that would see me through the rest of my life. That was a guarantee that was never going to go away. It was an ease to my mind and the thrill of the deal is what had kept me here before. I liked to be on top of any field that I was in and here I was now. I don’t know if I was going to be able to get the same enjoyment out of it as I had before.
“Yes it is. I’m sure that it’s all worth it in the end.”
“Isn’t that what we are here for?”
He was catching on to the way the office was, but I wasn’t there anymore. Maybe it was because of my trip to Nome, but it was likely because of Molly. Not only was I thinking about all of the physical things we did and the satisfaction that I’d gotten from it, she made me think as well. I would think about all of the comments she made and a lot of them were right. I had lost my way somehow and I had changed.
“It used to be what I was here for, but I have done what I set out to do. Once you reach the top, how long do you stay there?”
It was a question that Brandon didn’t have an answer to. Most in the office and building would say you stay on top forever because why would you want to be anywhere else, but I didn’t agree. I might have said the same thing a couple of months before, but things change. Damn Molly. She always did have a way of getting under my skin and making me think.
“I don’t know.”
“Me either. I wonder that more and more these days.”
Brandon just shook his head because he didn’t understand. I didn’t get it either. I was at the top of my game and I could have anything that I wanted, except Molly where I wanted her. I wanted her here with me, next to me where I could wake up to her every morning. I would have done anything, bought her a restaurant, whatever she wanted to be happy, but she was stubborn and she wasn’t going to budge. One of the things I admired about her was also a very exasperating trait.
He left me in the office staring off towards the wall where I had pictures of me smiling with a fake smile and shaking hands with rich and famous people. It all just blurred in front of me and again I was wondering what the hell I was doing here. Was this really what it was going to come to? Was this the peak for me?
And if it was, why did I not feel like I was very high?
Chapter 24
Molly
“Something is different with you.”
“What?”
“I don’t know Molly, but I can tell that something is off. Have you been getting enough sleep?”
“No, but I never do.”
Denise looked at me through squinted eyes like she was going to see what ailed me from changing the angle of how she saw me. She was being nice because I knew it was because I looked haggard. I’d been getting sick for a couple of weeks now. I had an appointment set up with the doc, but it was a busy time of year and I’d already had to cancel once. I was going to get into see him in the next couple of days, but it was wearing on me and I could tell when I looked in the mirror.
I also was having trouble getting enough energy to do my daily tasks. I didn’t feel like myself and I didn’t know what it was that was making me feel this way. I looked like crap. It was that simple.
“Well you need to. Are you sure that it doesn’t have to do with that man that came in here asking about you a while back? He left and you’ve been moping around here ever since.”
I wanted to deny the claim, but more than that I wanted to forget about it. I didn’t want to talk about Chris. I don’t think I ever would be able to without feeling a myriad of emotions rush through me all at the same time.
“It’s not because of him. It’s just been a weird summer and I think I’m coming down with something.”
She didn’t believe me, but she took mercy on me and didn’t bring him up again. We finished out the daily chores for the day and I was counting the money when she waved bye to me. I had some more paperwork to do while I was here, but my mind wasn’t into it and I had to recount the twenties three times before I gave up and set the stack of bills down. None of this was going to matter in a couple of days. That was when the sale was going to go through and I was going to get a whole lot more money than I ever would have made in the rest of my life here.
There were small moments of thought when I envisioned getting out of Nome and never working a day in my life again. I liked what I did, most of the time, but there were also times that I just wanted to run back to my cabin and never come out again. If I ever did run away from it all, I certainly wouldn’t be going to New York City or anywhere like that. Maybe a beach somewhere.
The paperwork was still in front of me and instead of putting it off anymore, I just piled all of the bills together and locked it all up in the safe. I didn’t want to mess with it anymore and I was ready to go home. It was going to be lonely and full of memories, but at least I wouldn’t have to hear his name and answer questions about Chris.
***
I had a message on my answering machine from the lawyer that I’d talked to about the property and the will. He was calling to remind me that he would be in the next week to give me the check and the copy of everything that I needed. It was a slap in the face and it was also the second time
that he had come up today. I hoped that he was having as much trouble as I was forgetting. I didn’t like the idea that all of my misery was one sided. I didn’t like to think that he had forgotten about me so quickly when I couldn’t get him off of my mind.
I replayed the message one more time so that I could write down the time and date that he was going to be in town. It was a big check and I should have been more excited about it, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t happy about it at all. When was I going to feel better? When was I going to be able to forget about Chris and move on with my life? It was all that I wanted to do and I hoped for the best.
The phone rang a little after ten and I said hello several times before whoever was on the other side hung up. They didn’t say anything, they never did and this wasn’t the first time that I’d gotten a call like this. I don’t know what it was about, but it didn’t matter. I wasn’t going to worry about it tonight. It was most likely a few teens that had nothing better to do. This was Nome after all.
The phone rang again a few minutes later and I didn’t want to worry about who it was. They were going to hang it up again and I was just going to get aggravated by it all. I was already there in many sense of the word.
Walking to the bathroom, I tried to push out the last morning that Chris was here. It had been magical and I would never forget that shower. Every time I was in here I thought of him and how he had pinned me to the wall to have his way with me.
I was going to have to get rid of this tile. It was the only way that I was going to be able to take a shower in peace. Sometimes it turned me on and sometimes it made me sad. Either way, I was ready to let those emotions go. I was full of way too many emotions and I was getting sick of them coming out whenever and wherever they wanted to.
Chapter 25
Chris
I was staring at the final documents and I didn’t feel relief, happiness, nothing. It was a huge deal, a lot of money, but nothing I said or did was going to change the fact that it was never going to be a good thing. It was always going to be a mistake and it was always going to be the reason that Molly wouldn’t talk to me anymore.
The lawyer dropped the papers off and I could have signed them then and there, but I wasn’t ready to. I don’t know why, but it felt like if I signed the papers, then it meant that I would somehow never have a chance with Molly again. It was ridiculous. I had already lost her, but instead of signing them like I should have, I instead found myself staring at the stack that was on my desk and debating what I was waiting for. My mind was telling me to go on, but my body refused to do what was needed. it was like it refused to let me do it.
I sat like that for I don’t know how long before I got a call from my assistant that had a lot of messages for me. I’d forgotten all about a meeting that I was supposed to go to and by the time I got off of the phone with her, I was back to the immediate job at hand. I was going to have to worry about the rest of it later.
Leaving my office, I made it downtown and met up with an old friend and client that I had forgotten about. I had been doing a lot of that lately, forgetting what I was supposed to be doing.
“What’s up Chris?”
“Not much Rosco. It’s been a while.”
“It has. I have been here for almost two hours.”
He wasn’t mad, but he wanted to know what had been holding me up. I would have wanted the same; though I don’t think I would have waited as long as he did. I would have been rude and he always had more tact than I did.
“I don’t know what to say. I was in my office and time just got away from me.”
Rosco wanted to know more and after a moment he asked who the broad was.
“What makes you think it’s about a woman?”
“Men like us don’t lose time, so I know that if you are looking like that and missing appointments, it can only mean one thing.”
He was right and I hated that I was so transparent. I knew what all of this was about and since I’d been trying to get ahead of it for a couple of months now, I knew that if I didn’t get to Molly soon, I was going to be worthless in all other facets of my life. I didn’t want to sleep, eat or fuck anyone else. I wanted Molly and it was like the world wasn’t as colorful without her and I wanted it all back.
“It’s an old flame.”
“From Alaska?”
I forgot that me and Rosco had talked about Molly before when we were talking about the one that got away. She would always be that for me and now it was evermore on my mind.
“Yeah the chick from Alaska.”
“Is she in town?”
“No, I went up to Nome a couple of months ago.”
“A couple of months ago and you are still stressing over it?”
He had a point and I should have seen that. Why was I still letting Molly affect me all these months later? It had been the same before; years hadn’t been enough time to get her off of my mind.
“Yeah, I always will.”
Rosco just shook his head and told me that I was an idiot.
“Come again?”
“You’re in love with this woman and instead of being with her; you are here, with me, late as all get out.”
He didn’t get it. We’d talked about her a little bit, but he didn’t understand that it was hopeless. I wanted it to be that simple, but I knew that it wasn’t that simple at all.
“She’s there and I am here.”
“Exactly, fix that and you will fix this.”
He made a gesture towards me like I was an exhibit and I wondered if I looked as bad as he made it out to be. Was it really that simple?
“She won’t come to the city. I have asked her several times to come.”
“Then go to her.”
“I can’t. My life is here.”
“So? So is mine and if I had another chance at love, I wouldn’t be wasting my time with a guy like me. I would jump on that chance. Life is short and work is work. It’s the rest of it all that makes it worth living.”
Rosco wasn’t usually so philosophical and I could tell that he meant it. What made him say such things? It was the first time that I realized I wasn’t the only one. I wasn’t the only haunted man at the table and for a moment his eyes revealed a feeling that I never wanted to feel.
“So where did you go wrong?”
“I didn’t go back for mine. She was in Italy and I met her when I was doing business out there. I should have stayed, but I had work.” He looked to the side and far away like he was seeing it all play out in his head. “I always had to work. I remember her crying and telling me that we would never see each other again. I told her we would, but then I got busy.”’
He had a look on his face that I knew well. It was full of regret. I knew well how many things had been put aside because I had to work. Like Rosco said, there was always work to do and it could be consuming.
“So what happened?” I wanted an ending to a story that was like mine, so that maybe I could have the same.
“She got in a car wreck about a month after I left. I never saw her again.”
It was the ending that I was hoping for and certainly not the one that I was expecting, but it had its desired effect on me. Rosco was right. I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and change it. If something happened to her, I don’t know what I would do and I didn’t want to find out.
Chapter 26
Molly
The sky was set to be beautiful and I could see the first wisps of pink coming up on the horizon. My coffee was in hand and I was going to be positive about the day ahead of me. Nothing was going to come at me that I wasn’t prepared for. No memories of the past was going to ruin my day. It was mine and mine alone.
I told myself this every day and for once I wanted to believe it was possible. I wanted my life back and I wanted to stop thinking about Chris because he was doing nothing good for me, but making it hard to think straight and get on with daily life.
Taking a sip, I pushed all of the negative thoughts away and tr
ied to focus on the beauty in front of me. The mountains were rimmed with snow and I could just see the town underneath me if I looked towards the east. This was a sight that I could see nowhere else and I’d paid dearly for it. With all of the money in the world coming that I didn’t need, I knew that this part of my life wasn’t going to change. I never could imagine living anywhere else. It was hard to explain, but I was connected with the land.
The phone rang and I looked at the watch on my wrist to see what time it was. It was way too early for calls from anyone and the call put a damper on my morning routine. The restaurant wasn’t even open yet, so I was rather surprised when I heard Denise’s voice on the other end.
“Hey Denise, What’s up?”
“I got a customer down here that wants to see you Molly. He says that it is urgent.”
“It’s too early for customers.”
“That’s what I said, but he was very insistent that he sees you right away or he will come to you. I think he means it Molly and I don’t know what you want me to do.”
That had me thrown off for a moment because of how it was said and I couldn’t think of what she was talking about or who would say such a thing. It didn’t feel like a threat, but I didn’t doubt that whoever it was would show up at my house.
“He will come to me?”
Denise was holding something back and I wasn’t sure what it was. She had a sound to her voice and a way that she was so slowly answering questions that made me believe that there was more going on than what she was hinting at.
“Who is it, Denise? Do you know him?”
“It’s Chris.”
The one word that I didn’t want to hear. What was Chris doing here? I would have thought that I wouldn’t see him again. The deal was going through and he was getting his way. What was he doing here now, back in a place that he claimed to hate so much?