“Look Mom, I gotta go. Eli’s just woken up, he’s been resting. I’m going to sort out some dinner for us. I’ll come and see you soon, okay?”
I hear her sigh, and there’s a pause before she tells me, “Love you, Olivia.”
“Love you too, Mom.” But our automatic goodbyes were stilted, as if our relationship has shifted as well, as though it’s not just physical distance between us. A reminder that my mom’s still an old lady and I’m not.
Instead, I’m a wife, my injured husband my responsibility. I stand, tapping my phone against my mouth. “I was going to order pizza. Pepperoni?”
“Yeah.” I see him try to move his mouth side to side as if experimenting whether he’s going to be able to eat.
“Or do you want something different?”
“Baby food might be good.”
I huff a laugh, then wonder whether he’s being serious. “Amy gave me some painkillers for you. Do you want to take some?”
Eli’s never been one for taking anything before, that he nods and says yes he does, which shows me how much pain he’s in. I get some for him, bringing a glass of water for him to wash them down. Then I use the phone and call for pizza.
As the first night of the rest of our lives, it sucks.
We eat. Eli stays sprawled on the couch. Then we watch something neither of us are interested in on television. Sure, we spent time with just each other in our house back on the compound, but I was never bored. Mom was close by, and if I wanted to talk to a girlfriend, there were my sisters, Eliza, Hilda and Zoey, or my pseudo cousins, like Isabel, Amy or Maya to name but a few. Amy was good for baby talk too, her being a nurse and pregnant herself.
I miss the brothers too. The F.O.Gs, as Wizard had named them. Men who’d been in the club for years along with my dad treated me as if I was a favourite niece. The younger ones, they were a laugh, they’d flirt with me to get a rise out of Eli.
My brother-in-law Zane seemed to be in our house as much as his own, the two brothers catching up with each other.
Now it seems quiet. Too quiet. An evening with nothing to do, punctuated with moans from my husband who’s hurting through every fault of his own.
We go to bed early. I toss and turn half the night. In the end, I drag out a couple of clean sheets and use one of the old beds in a spare room as my constant movement is keeping Eli awake too.
The next day is not much of an improvement on the one before. I try to get more stuff put away and organised, while Eli has stiffened up and is incapable of doing much more than moving from the bed to the couch.
Halfway through the morning, Eli’s phone rings. The house is small, I can’t help but eavesdrop.
“Mom.”
I take it that it’s Sam on the phone.
“Yeah. I understand… Yeah, I’ll be okay… Fuck, Mom. We’re good. We’ll be fine… No, don’t do that. Yeah.”
I don’t try to pretend I wasn’t listening. “Your mom?” I prompt.
He closes his eyes and leans his head back. “She just wanted to make sure we’re alright.” He lifts his one working eyelid and looks at me. “It’s raw, for us and for them. Lots of changes.”
“Is she coming to visit?”
“No. I told her not to. She’s torn, Liv, between us and the club. We all need time to make the adjustments.”
Adjustments? Who’s he kidding? My world has been turned upside down.
If my life were a novel or a film, Eli would have bounced back to his normal fit and healthy self in a day or two and become the strong supportive husband I need. In a book, I’d have met the neighbours and made new friends, and would have been happy settling into city life. Eli, having got what he wanted would be happy, and his cheerfulness would have rubbed off on me.
But this is reality, not a dream and instead of being contented with my new lot, I find living is hard to do.
I miss everyone I’d left behind as much, if not more, than I’d done that first night. My loneliness and longing for home gets worse as the days pass. Eli doesn’t bounce back fast. We come to accept broken bones take weeks to heal. It doesn’t help lift me up when he, too, is as miserable as fuck, frustrated when his broken ribs and fingers prevent him from doing stuff.
I’m scared to return to the compound by myself. Not because I’m worried about the kind of reception I’d get, my phone calls with mom tell me I’d be welcomed with open arms. But I know returning to the place I’ll always think of as home will upset me too much, and I might be tempted not to return. From time to time I hear a motorcycle coming up the road outside the house, causing a pang of nostalgia. I hold my breath, but the bike never stops or even slows down. Nothing to do with us.
Mom and Sam want to see me, maybe not so much Eli as they’ve not forgiven him yet. They’re old ladies, loyal to their men and their club. For the present, the awkwardness that will be there prevents them visiting, so it’s only by phone that we stay in touch.
One evening a knock comes at the door.
“Careful.” Eli drags himself to his feet and is by my side when I go to open it. A gun has appeared in his hand and I’m not sure from where—another sign of how my life’s changed. On the compound, closed doors never had danger hiding behind them. Before anyone could approach the houses, they had to first come in a gate, and only then if they got past the prospect guarding it. Then they had to walk past the clubhouse, where no stranger would be tolerated lurking about unescorted. They’d be confronted fast and stopped before they ever got close.
If Eli hadn’t have warned me, I’d probably have opened the door without a second thought. Instead, I glance toward the monitor by the side of the door and see who it is standing outside. When I recognise him, I don’t keep him waiting.
“Zane!” I throw myself at him as soon as the door’s opened, and he’s able to come in. I choke back the sob at seeing a friendly face.
“Olivia. How are you, babe?” He kisses me on the cheek and briefly hugs me.
“I’m good,” I lie brightly, hoping he doesn’t see through my untruth. Like when I talk to my mom, I hide my emotions and thoughts. It would be a betrayal for people to know how unhappy I am. I’ve got to make this work for my husband’s sake. However much I might want to, unless I leave Eli, I can’t return to my previous life. I’m not yet at a point where I don’t think my marriage will work.
“Brother,” Eli says warily.
Zane’s eyes meet those of his sibling, and dual expressions war for supremacy on his face. Anger and sorrow. Eventually he sighs. “Can I come in and talk?”
“Nothing to talk about,” Eli warns him. “My bridges are well and truly burned. Made my decision, and there’s no going back on that.”
Zane looks up and down his brother’s broken body and gives a sad jerk of his head. “Can kinda see that, Brother.”
“Come in. Sit down. Can I get you a beer?” I want to keep Zane here. Just seeing a friendly face has raised my spirits.
“Sure, babe. That would be great.” Zane takes a seat on one of the chairs, while Eli walks stiffly back to the couch. I bring in beers for both of them, and a can of soda for myself.
“Why are you here?” Eli’s shortness seems rude.
Zane ignores the sharpness and instead stares at his brother. “I’m not club, remember. I’ve no beef with you, Eli. But I’d like to know why.” He wipes a hand over his face. “I don’t understand. Fuck, nobody does. Why, Eli, why? All our lives joining the club was the only thing you ever wanted to do. You had no desire for anything else. You even tried to persuade me into the life. You lived and breathed the club. When I heard the news, I couldn’t believe it.”
Eli shrugs. “Did I really want it, Zane? Or was it Dad forcing me in that direction? You never had the same pressure, you were able to do what the fuck you liked. It was me Dad groomed to follow him.”
Zane shakes his head. “That’s not how I remember it. Dad treated us both the same. You fell in love with everything the club stood for. I was the one wh
o preferred cages to bikes. I was the one who saw a life that didn’t involve patching into the club.”
“What would Dad have said if I hadn’t had prospected?”
Eli’s brother looks confused. “Way I remember it was you didn’t need any persuasion. You were always hanging around the club. Working with the bikes, rebuilding Dad and Mom’s classics. Truth be told, I felt a little left out. I didn’t have much in common with my family.”
Eli shrugs. “But you followed your dreams. Got a degree, a good job, and have joined SD Construction. You’re a partner at twenty-three. Life’s been fuckin’ good to you, Zane. You’ve not missed out.”
“And you have?” Zane looks incredulous. “Are you actually my brother, Eli, or has someone else taken your place?”
I’ve stayed out of the conversation, but I’ve been listening hard. Zane’s just echoing my own thoughts. Lately, Eli does seem to be someone else, someone I don’t know and will have to relearn all over again.
“Anyway,” Zane takes a drink from his bottle, then wipes his lips, “I’ve come with a message.” He waves his hand toward his injured brother. “Dad and Mom are lost, they don’t know what went wrong. They blame themselves and are upset. But they are also angry and confused. Neither know why you didn’t go to them. There may have been a different way of working this out other than the club leaving you half-dead.”
“I’m my own man,” Eli says. “I knew what I was getting myself in for, and it was the fastest way out. Dad would have tried to persuade me to change my mind, and I didn’t want to talk. My decision had been made. Sure, Throttle might have brought it up quicker than I expected and forced the issue, but though I’m hurting, I’d never take it back.”
“He didn’t even talk to me, Zane. I had no idea he wanted to leave the club.” I can’t keep quiet any longer.
“I knew you’d try and persuade me to stay.” Eli’s eyes come to me, and I notice they look cold. “You liked your life the way it was. You’d have used every argument in the book to stay on the compound. You might see it as being surrounded by family, but you, too, have been smothered, Liv. You, too, have been railroaded into a life you might not have chosen had you not been born the daughter of the VP.”
“Are you saying I was brainwashed?” I snap, annoyed. Does that include my marriage to him? I love Eli, always have.
Zane coughs as though reminding us he’s there. “Look, I’m here because Dad feels guilty. Not that you’ve left the club, but that when I was at college, he paid my tuition fees. He knows you might think you lost out. Truth is, had you chosen that direction, he’d have come up with the cash for you too. So he’s putting some dollars in your bank account as he knows it will take a while for you to heal and get back on your feet.”
Eli’s teeth grind together. “I don’t need his help. I can provide for my own wife and child.”
Zane looks at him incredulously. “Your fingers on your left hand are fuckin’ broken. You’ve got broken ribs and a broken nose. Christ knows how many other bruises. Not to mention you look like Frankenstein’s monster with those stitches on your face. How the fuck are you going to get a job to support your family? You can barely walk.”
“Your bedside manner’s a bit lacking,” Eli observes, his swollen face doing its best to smirk. “Doesn’t change facts. I don’t want Dad’s fuckin’ money.”
“I do,” I butt in. “I’m six months pregnant. I’m happy to try to get a job, but I’ve had an easy life. All I’m capable of being is a barista or something.” I’ve never had to work in my life. I always knew I was Eli’s, and it was enough to be his support. It’s not because I’m lazy, but college wasn’t for me. Being the old lady of the VP, I was a weak spot. Neither my dad nor Eli had wanted me to spend time off the compound, and I hadn’t taken much persuading. If Eli doesn’t take this financial help, it will be down to me to support us while he heals, and I’ve no idea how to start to do that. I’ve no work experience except knowing how to prepare meals for twenty or so people. Even if that got my foot in the door, what employer wants to take on a woman who in three months will be adding a kid into the mix?
“Listen to Olivia,” Zane urges. “She’s expecting your fuckin’ baby. Are you so little of a man now, you’re going to depend on her?”
But I can see Eli’s face is set into his stubborn look. I haven’t known him since I was a kid not to be able to read him well. His brother, too, recognises his closed-off expression. Zane finishes his beer, stands, then throws the gauntlet down.
“Money’s going into your account whether you want it or not. Look at it as a loan if you don’t want to accept what you’re owed. Me? I think you should take it. Dad’s right. He gave me a start in life, seems like he ought to treat both his sons equally.”
Zane’s made a good point. But I can see arguments ahead as I try to get Eli to spend it. Maybe he will. When he gets fed up with eating ramen noodles that is, which is probably what we’ll be down to once the food in the pantry run out.
“I’ll see you out.” I stand, while Eli makes no effort to rise.
On the doorstep Zane leans in, speaking quietly so Eli can’t hear him. “I’m fuckin’ worried about him, Ollie, and about you and the kid. I… well, he’s acting completely out of character. I never imagined he’d do what he’s done, or be like this.”
I try to reassure him, or am I reassuring myself? “He’ll be better once he’s physically well again. You know how he gets Zane, when he can’t do the things that he wants. Remember when he fell out of that tree and broke his wrist? He was like a hornet whose nest had been poked until he could use it again.”
Fleetingly, a grin crosses his face. “Yeah, I remember.” Then he grows serious. “Christ, Olivia. I just hate this. I feel part of me has been ripped away. It’s not just him, it’s you and the baby.”
“We’re still here. You’re welcome anytime, Zane.” I truly mean it. He’s got no beef with Eli as he’s not a club member. He’s family, and I need someone on my side.
“What are you two whispering about?” Eli’s annoyed voice sounds from behind me.
I give Zane an apologetic look, but the expression he gives back to me is annoyed. “If you need someone to talk to, Liv, call me. Okay? You need help with anything, I’ll be here right away.”
As I wrap my arms around him, I nod my head, acknowledging his offer, but hoping I don’t need it.
“Tell Mom and Sam I’ll come to see them soon.”
“You better,” he warns me. “They might have lost him, but you’re still part of the family, Olivia.”
Chapter Seven
Drummer…
The loud clearing of a throat interrupts me. I stand, reach out for a cloth and wipe oil off my hands. I’ve been doing some maintenance on Sam’s Vincent Black Shadow which we’ve managed to keep going over the years. Christ, is it really more than twenty-six years ago I first saw her broken down by the side of the road? Some days the memory’s so fresh it seems like just yesterday.
She’d changed me that day. I’d been a single man one year off my forties, had no intention of making anyone mine, but she’d stepped into my life and stayed as my old lady.
I’ve never had one moment of regret, until now. Until I hear her quietly weeping in our bed at night, and I’m unable to comfort her. I feel so fucking guilty that she’s estranged from her oldest son. Had I really missed the signs and forced him into something he didn’t feel for the same way as me? Had I seen a boy I could shape, not a son who had hopes and dreams of his own?
A second soft cough reminds me I’m not alone. I glance over my shoulder, raising my chin when I see who it is. “Prez.”
“How’s he doing?”
“How the fuck should I know?” I snarl. Wizard knows the score. Eli’s turned his back on the club. I, and the club, need time. A hell of a lot of water has got to flow under the bridge before things can start to settle down. Will I ever have a relationship with my son again? Right now, I don’t know. Maybe we’ll
never be able to reconcile our differences, our views on life so far apart.
Wizard just stands, arms folded, a smirk on his face and a raised eyebrow.
I take in a deep breath and let it out angrily. “Okay, so I sent Zane around.”
Looking behind him, Wizard sees there’s a bench the right height. He moves back a few inches and cocks his hip against it. “And?”
I throw the dirty cloth down. “He’s pretty badly beaten.”
Wizard huffs a laugh. “Not news, Drum.”
I know it’s not. Grimacing, I add, “Zane couldn’t get a read on him. He thinks it might be because he’s hurting, but what is clear, he’s left without making any plans.”
“That doesn’t sound like Eli.” Prez frowns. “But we did force the issue, maybe he was waiting until a better time, once he’d got a job and place to live lined up.”
That’s the thought that’s been going around and around my mind. “See, that’s what I don’t understand. It’s why we all voted him in as VP. He never took a step unless he had a direction to head in. He’d been thinking about leaving the club for a while, yet hadn’t put anything in place. You must have noticed he wasn’t quite with us for the last few months.” I glance at him to see him grimace. We all had, but just thought he needed space to get his head around whatever was bothering him. “I think we all were ignoring it. All of us, except for his best friend. It would have come to this whether or not Throttle had confronted him.” I go to the fridge I keep in my garage and take out a couple of beers. Opening them, I pass one to Wizard. “Something tells me he’d not have been better prepared even with more time. He was focused on getting away from the club, not about what he’d do once he achieved that objective. Else, at some point over those months, he’d have had options lined up.”
“The old Eli would have,” Wizard agrees. He takes a drink, then muses, “It started after the wedding.”
I shake my head. “Possibly even before that. When Olivia found out she was pregnant, and he knew he’d have to step up and be a family man.”
Hawk's Cry : Satan's Devils MC Second Generation #2 Page 6