I hate it.
“Are you allowed to keep it?”
I shake my head and reply tersely, “No, I’ll have to get it blacked out.”
Her hand covers her mouth. I know exactly what she’s thinking. It’s going to look horrendous when a tat of that size is covered over. Still, better that than the constant reminder of what I’m not anymore. Once it’s gone, I won’t be afraid to catch sight of my back in the mirror.
“Can’t you turn it into something else? Or get it removed?”
“I doubt it,” I tell her. Then as I see the subject has brought tears into her eyes once again, I add, “But I’ll see what I can do, okay?” I’ll have to do something soon. If I don’t, I risk another beatdown or worse if a Devil catches me with it uncovered.
“Are you happy?” she suddenly asks. “Are you getting what you wanted from this new life? Is this what you expected, Eli?”
“Liv,” I start, as though speaking to a child. “Of course I can’t fuckin’ enjoy my new life. I’m hurting. I’ve got a broken hand and ribs. I’m useless right now. Things will be fine once I’m able to work.” They have to be. I can’t go on as I am. All I need is a purpose in life that will set me right.
Olivia grabs some paper towel and joins me on my knees. She scoops up the scattered food and then drops it in the garbage can. When she comes back with a damp cloth to wipe the floor, she stares straight into my eyes.
“Is it me?”
I can’t force the word no out of my mouth, but I hesitate to say yes. To confirm her worst fears would be to shatter all her hopes and dreams, and the promises that I’ve made.
A simple one-word answer isn’t enough, anyway. It’s too complicated to be summed up so easily. Leaning back on my heels, I open the cupboard under the sink. Reaching in, I take out the dustpan and brush and soon have all the remaining shards of china swept up.
“We need to talk,” I tell her, not missing the pain that crosses her face. “Come sit with me.”
I walk into the living area and take a seat on the couch, this time leaving space for her to sit beside me.
“Liv…” I start, once she’s sat down. “We never had a chance, did we? Put in the same crib from the day I was born.”
“You protected me. You were always there, from that very first day.”
I breathe in deeply. “We were pushed together. Yes, I know we were genuine friends. But do you ever think what would have happened if there had been more of us around? More the same age?”
She frowns. “But there was. Amy was already there, then Tyler, remember him? Though, of course, he was older and wasn’t there long.”
“Amy was three years older than us. Noah, Jacob and Isabel, all younger.”
“You chose to play with me.” She bites her lip. “We were always inseparable. Then our feelings changed, or, they did for me. Are you saying they didn’t for you?”
“Of course they did.” I stand abruptly, starting to pace, knowing I’m fucking up this conversation and needing to restart it a different way. “You know how my father got his road name, Liv?”
“Everyone knows that.” She seems bemused that I’ve thrown his name into it. “Drummer banged everything in sight. Until he met Sam.”
For the first forty years of his life, he’d lived up to his handle. “Have you any idea how many women he must have fucked before he met Mom?” I snap the question at her.
“Enough to know he’s lucky he didn’t get an STD,” she throws back.
I lurch toward her, my good hand grasping the arm of the couch. Leaning my face down I spit out, “How many pussies has my cock been in, Liv?”
She pushes me away and stands. “One.” Her eyes flare. “One. Mine. Are you saying I’m not good enough? That you could do better than me?”
The words are wrenched out of me. “How the fuck do I know? There’s only ever been you and me. My first kiss. My first fuck. I’ll go to my fuckin’ grave not having anything to compare you against.”
“What more do you want? Don’t you come? Because I don’t know how else this got here.” Her hands go to her stomach. “Well, tell me? What are you missing? Someone who gives you head? Well, hey. That’s me. Just what more do you want? Someone who lets you try new things? Well, that’s me too as I remember. Doggy style, shit… Are there more positions you want to try?”
“I don’t fuckin’ know!” I turn it around on her. “You’ve only ever known me. What if there are better cocks out there? What if someone can do things you enjoy more? Don’t you ever want to find out and see?”
“No!” she screams at me. “I enjoy sex with you. And it’s not just sex. I love you, and that makes all the difference to me. We connect when we make love. It’s a completion of what we feel for each other.”
“It’s different for a man,” I tell her, coldly. Not actually knowing, but thinking it is. Another pussy would feel different. Tighter? Perhaps, but I can’t see how. We are a good fit. Another mouth might allow me to go deeper, a whore might not mind me choking her with my cock. But while I’m with Liv, I’ll never find out.
“This is why you left the club?” she starts, incredulously. “You knew you wouldn’t be able to get away with fucking someone else while we were there.”
I bark a laugh. “You think I couldn’t have gotten away with it? The whores would keep their mouths shut if they knew what was good for them, and my brothers were loyal to me. If I’d strayed, you’d never have known.”
“Have you?” Her eyes widen with suspicion.
“Isn’t this what I’m telling you?” I huff. “No, I have not.”
“But you want to find out,” she whispers, her eyes filling with tears.
I hate seeing the hurt I’ve put there, but I don’t know how to stop. “Yes. No. I don’t fuckin’ know,” I cry out. “Doesn’t it bother you, Liv? That you’ve only known me.”
She moves jerkily across the room as though her body’s being controlled like a puppet on strings. “Well I never thought it did.”
When she picks up her car keys, I feel a pang go through me. She’s going to leave. Or, maybe, just run back to the compound and tell my mom what an ass I am.
“Where are you going?” I call out as she opens the door.
She spins, her eyes throwing sparks at me. “Out on the fuckin’ prowl. It’s what you want, isn’t it?”
The door slams behind her before I can react. The car engine starts, roars, then the noise recedes.
Fuck.
Chapter Nine
Olivia…
I had to get out of there before I said something I would regret, or he said something he’d be unable to take back.
I manage to get into the car and away from the house before the tears start to roll down my cheeks. I’m not even sure if they come from anger or hurt.
I’d thought we were living the fairy tale, ours the love of the century. Both of us virgins when we came together. Sure, we’d fumbled at the start as we tried to figure out what to do— of course we knew the basics—you don’t grow up in a sexual environment as we had without learning the mechanics. When we’d tried to put it into practice ourselves, we’d shared a lot of laughs. The first time we’d come together, it was more like fooling around which went a step too far.
Eli had been terrified that Wraith would somehow be able to see I wasn’t his innocent daughter anymore, as if it would be written on my forehead, but luckily, Dad had had no idea I’d lost my virginity at the age of eighteen.
Eli had hoped to get lucky for a while. Unbeknownst to me, he’d started to carry condoms around. He’d been prepared and optimistic for months, but he’d waited for me. I knew I was his first as he was mine. It had been obvious we were equally untutored when we got together at last.
I sometimes think Dad had chosen to remain in ignorance. Looking back, I don’t see how he couldn’t tell things had changed between us. It had been hard to hide my adult love for Eli, so different from that of a child. I think now, he probably knew, bu
t didn’t want to confront it.
Neither of us had ever expressed a desire for other partners until today. I’d always loved the thought that I was his one and only and would be for the rest of my life. I honestly don’t see how our sex life could be any better, and personally, I wouldn’t want the variety or to go with someone else.
I hate him for even thinking it.
I drive, aimlessly, finding I’m heading up toward the famous ‘A’ that towers over Tucson. Parking my car, I get out and walk, then sit, staring at, but not appreciating the glorious views over the city. It’s a clear day, the sun shines down fiercely. I won’t be able to stand it for long. But consciousness of my physical discomfort evades me, overpowered by the pain in my mind.
Who is this stranger I’m living with?
The Eli I know and love would never hurt me, even with words. Yet he must have known suggesting I wasn’t enough for him sexually would cut me deep down to the bone.
Was he serious?
Could it have been he was just sharing his thoughts with me? Letting me into his state of mind, the ideas that were making him uneasy. Or, is he going to act on it? Is he going to leave me and find another woman instead? Heaven knows he hasn’t wanted me lately. Is it because he wants someone else? Has he already found another woman? No, I don’t think he has. He hasn’t been furtive and secretive as though trying to hide an affair from me.
I’m six and a half months pregnant. Surely, he wouldn’t leave me? But he’s living in a fantasy world if he thinks I would give him some freedom, turn a blind eye while he put his cock in new pussy, just to find out whether he liked it better.
He’s not thinking he could come home with fresh ideas, is he? Well, he’ll have to think again if that’s what’s on his mind. If he stepped out on me, I wouldn’t be able to have him back. No number of showers would cleanse him enough for me to ever trust him again.
It would be the end of our marriage.
When did he start changing?
I think back to our wedding. He seemed fine then, if a bit distant, perhaps, the day before. Although us old ladies were kept out of club business, it had been impossible not to pick up things had been touch-and-go. There hadn’t been trouble in the club for years, and I remember thinking why did it have to come for us now? In the hours leading up to the ceremony there was even talk of cancelling it.
Then, like the sun reappearing from behind the clouds, smiles had appeared on everyone’s faces again.
Lady had married us, having recently been ordained as a Satanist of all things. It had made perfect sense, seeing as we were all Satan’s Devils.
That day had been everything I’d dreamed of. I married the man I’d loved all my life surrounded by family, both blood and friends.
I’d been just three months pregnant then, barely showing. But, as my baby bump grew, Eli started pulling away. Imperceptibly at first, then even I had to accept something was wrong.
It’s not just that he wants to experience variety, I realise. It’s that he doesn’t get the hots for me anymore. Have I become too familiar? Have we just burned out? Or is it that I’m pregnant?
“Hey, I don’t mean to interrupt, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to sit out in this heat in your, um, condition.”
I look up sharply, not having heard anyone approach. In front of me stands a man with brilliant blue eyes and pale, almost white blond hair. He’s tall, over six feet in my estimation, muscled, and tattooed. If he was wearing jeans and leather instead of his shorts and t-shirt, he could pass for a biker.
Is this the kind of man I could go for? It sounds odd, but I’ve never looked at anyone other than Eli in that way for all my life. I try it out now, staring at him for a moment. He’s rugged, but handsome enough, and a muscular build not too dissimilar to Eli. What would I feel like if this man put his hands on me? What if his lips touched mine? Would his cock swell, and would I like knowing I could affect him?
“Hey, you okay?” His head tilts and his brow furrows.
I feel my cheeks burn and hope he thinks it’s the sun that’s caused the reddening of my skin. What the hell am I doing? Eyeing up a stranger like a piece of meat. I start to stand, realising I’ve absolutely no interest in him and was just using him to test whether it’s possible to feel horny for a man who wasn’t my husband.
Preparing myself for when Eli leaves me.
I shouldn’t think like that. I should fight for my man.
“Here, take my hand,” he offers when he sees me struggling. “Dust storm is coming over. Best get back to town while you can.”
I wave off his help. I’m pregnant not decrepit, but standing see that he’s right. A storm is coming and pretty fast. Already the wind is getting up. The very least I should be is safe in my car, and not outside when the thunder and lightning gets going and the rain starts lashing down.
When I’m on my feet, I cast one more worried look at the approaching storm, then throw a brief look of gratitude at the man who warned me. “I best get going. Thank you.”
“Gabe. I’m Gabe.”
Wondering why he so freely offered his name to me, and determined not to give mine, I hurry to my car.
Moments later, I’m winding my way down the road leading to the bottom, hoping I’ll beat the rain. I drive over the washes knowing once the heavy drops start falling, I’ll have to slow down and stop. Arizona hasn’t got a stupid drivers’ law for nothing. It’s suicide to cross a wash once they start to fill up. The water can become a torrent within seconds.
Lightning flashes and thunder rumbles, echoing my mood. There’s no other man for me but Eli. If he does betray me with another woman, our marriage will be over, and I’ll give him no second chance. But I’ll never go looking for another man, no one could ever measure up. I’ll just die a lonely old lady, living only for my child.
While I don’t end up having to wait for a wash to clear, I do have to slow down as the rain is coming down in sheets. I shiver, seeing the temperature has dropped by twenty degrees. It’s a regular summer weather occurrence in Tucson, one moment unbearably hot, the next so much cooler. Then the sun comes out, and all the water dries up. I’ve never known anything different, having lived here all my life. Mom though, I smile, she still complains during monsoon season, having come over from England when she was my age. For a moment, I think about the culture shock she went through, leaving her home in a town not far from London, and ending up in a motorcycle club in the United States. She had to get used to a different style of living. Perhaps history is repeating itself. She learned to love a new way of life, perhaps I should try and integrate into civilian ways. I might find I like it.
But not without Eli. I can’t do it by myself.
The problem is, Eli’s not only not helping me, he’s not helping himself.
Sure, he’s hurt and his bones need to heal, but it’s he who wanted this new life. So why isn’t he reaching out and grabbing it?
I wish he’d speak to me. I wish he’d explain the real reason why we had to leave the compound. He gets harder to understand every day.
As I get closer to home my slow speed isn’t just because of the torrential rain that’s falling, it’s because I’m reluctant to return. I’ve no idea what version of my husband will greet me. Or whether he’ll even be there.
I resemble a drowned rat after running just the few steps from my car to the house.
Eli throws open the door. “Where the fuck have you been?”
“Out thinking,” I spit back at him. “You gave me a lot to think about.”
“You should know better than to just head out, Liv. I didn’t know where the fuck you were. What if something had happened to you? I don’t even have prospects who I can send out to search anymore.”
I roll my eyes as I poke him in the chest with my finger. “Firstly, whose fault is that? And secondly, if I really went missing, one call to my dad and the whole club would turn out.”
“That’s always been your answer for everyth
ing. Run to daddy like a little girl.”
My eyes roll. “Yeah? Like your dad wouldn’t step in to help if you were in trouble?”
“My dad doesn’t give a damn if I’m dead or alive.” He stands, his chest visibly moving in and out, his cheeks puffed and his whole body tense.
Despite him looking angry rather than hurt, I make an attempt to console him. “He’d come, if you needed him.”
“Well I don’t fuckin’ need him, do I?” he snarls.
I throw up my hands. “I’m going to lie down in the bedroom. There’s no talking to you in this mood. Though I will tell you one thing. If,” I punctuate my words with another poke to his ribs, even now avoiding those which are broken, “if you ever go off with another woman, even if just to fuel your fantasies, that’s us finished. For good. So you better do some fucking thinking what you want. Just one betrayal would be all it would take.”
His eyes go wide. “You’d leave me?”
“Damn straight I would.”
Then his mouth quirks and I get a brief glimpse of the man I fell in love with as he jokes, “I better cancel the whore I arranged for later then.”
But I’m in no mood for levity. Huffing loudly, I walk across the living room and down the hall to our bedroom. Before I can turn into it, I see the bed’s been made in the guestroom. I know it’s not because we’re expecting company.
As if on cue, the baby kicks, reminding me I’m not alone, even if Eli is pulling away. I stand in the hallway, looking from the master bedroom to the guest room, wondering how my life and our marriage has come to this. Separate rooms now. What’s next? Separate lives?
Suddenly I feel warmth behind me, a scent which is so familiar to me, I’d know it blindfolded.
He murmurs his explanation. “I toss and turn. I know I keep you awake. Until I’m healed and I can get a good night’s sleep, I thought it was best if I move in here. You need your sleep.”
Hawk's Cry : Satan's Devils MC Second Generation #2 Page 8