Just her saying that makes my stomach churn. “I’m never drinking again.” I pull my blanket over my head.
She snorts. “Famous last words.”
“Did I do anything stupid?”
She pulls the blanket down in order to see me. “What did you say?”
“Did I do anything stupid?” I really don’t want to know. But with the way I’m feeling right now, I’m pretty sure I did.
Her eyebrows shoot up.
“If it’s that bad, I’m never leaving this room again.” I lay my arm over my eyes.
She pats the bed. “Get up. Everyone’s in the kitchen having breakfast. Come and try to eat something. Then I want to talk to you alone.”
“Don’t go all therapist on me now. I can get drunk when I want to.”
“Man, don’t be so defensive. The coffee is fresh and hot,” she says and leaves the room.
“She’ll be out soon. She can’t resist her coffee in the morning. I don’t care how hungover she is,” I hear Lisa say.
I place my hand on my neck to touch my necklace. It’s not there. I move both of my hands around my neck to find it, but I can’t feel it. “Where’s my necklace?” I shout as I drag my hundred-pound legs over the side of the bed in a panic. My head pulsates as if it’s being hit like a gong.
“Where’s my damn necklace,” I yell louder.
Alexa runs in. “What’s the matter? What are you yelling about?”
“My necklace. It’s gone. I haven’t taken it off since Mom died. Where is it?” My voice cracks as my hands start to shake. I stand up and frantically search like an addict looks for her stash. I lift things up and over, toss my pillows and blanket off my bed, knock over a lamp. “Lisa!”
She runs into the room. “What’s wrong? Why are you so frantic?”
“Where’s my necklace? Did you take it off me last night?” I get on my knees and search under the bed, even though I’m going to throw up any second.
I get up again and walk aimlessly around my room, picking things up and dropping them down.
“Don’t you remember what happened last night at the last bar we were at?”
I freeze while massaging my temples. “No.”
“You freaked out in the middle of the dance floor because you lost your necklace.”
Tears instantly well up in my eyes. “No, no, no.” I shake my head back and forth. “You know what my necklace means to me. Mom gave it to me.” I break down crying and rush to the garbage can placed next to my bed. I heave until I’m empty. Alexa runs in with a wet towel and takes the garbage with her. The flood gates open, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to close them again.
Lisa rushes to my side and wipes my face and mouth off with the towel. I hear the door close. “It can’t be lost, Lisa. It’s the only thing I have from her. It means everything to me.”
“Ssshhh. I know. It’s going to be all right.” She hugs me and strokes my face. “Please tell me what’s going on with you. Especially what happened with Gerry. You scared me last night, just like you are now. You tried to get on the bar and dance.”
My head shoots up. Regretting it immediately. “What? No I didn’t!” I press hard on my temples again.
She giggles but then pinches her nose. “Now I got your attention. No, you didn’t. You came close though. Do you think I’d let you do something like that? You’d never.”
I push her away and try to stand up but end up sitting on the bed. She stays on the floor. “I would’ve done something like that years ago. Before Mom died. Don’t you remember what I used to be like? How I used to get in trouble? Remember when I got caught trying to sneak out of the house when I was in eleventh grade? I was grounded for a month. Or the time I came home drunk for the first time? I was fearless. Willing to try anything once. I wanted to explore the world, go to college far away, and be free to do whatever I wanted.”
Lisa remains still as a statue.
“Don’t you remember all the posters and postcards I hung on my bedroom walls? I wanted to get the fuck out of New Jersey after high school.” I run my hands through my tangled hair. I don’t feel drunk anymore because a surge of adrenaline has replaced it.
“You know she gave me that necklace, but you don’t know what she said. She made me promise her I’d follow my dreams and not live in monotony.”
“Why didn’t you?” Lisa challenges, not having a clue in the world.
“Because she died,” I yell.
Lisa flinches.
“I had to work at the pharmacy that morning, and she died because of me. Me!” I jab my chest with my thumb. “She begged me to call out of work so she wouldn’t need to drive to the other side of town. But I refused to do it because I was a stupid, stubborn teenager.” I pull on my hair. “When I think about it now, I don’t even remember why I wouldn’t call out.
“My seventeenth birthday was in a couple of weeks. I wanted to practice driving since I’d be going for my driver’s test. We fought about that too. She said it was too dangerous for me to drive on the slippery roads. But I fought back saying I needed the experience in bad weather.”
Lisa moves to the edge of my bed, never taking her eyes off me.
“After fighting about it while you were getting ready, Mom gave in and handed me the keys. She was furious with me and I didn’t even care.
“When we arrived at the pharmacy, I jumped out of the car and didn’t say goodbye to Mom or you.” I shake my head as fresh tears form. “I should’ve said sorry for being such a bitch. I should’ve said goodbye. I never saw her again and almost lost you.” I sob.
“She moved to the driver’s seat but never put her seat belt on. If I hadn’t driven, maybe she would’ve put it on when we first left the house. She always wore her seat belt. If I hadn’t gone to work at all, Mom would be alive and you wouldn’t have been permanently injured. You would’ve never been in that area of town.” I take a deep breath between sobs.
“I blamed myself and knew my life would never be the same. All my dreams blew in the wind like ashes. I deserved it. I vowed to take care of you and Dad as long as I had to.” I separate from her and wipe the boogers off my face.
“Dad also blamed himself for letting her take that piece of crap in the snow. But I did everything I could to make sure he knew it wasn’t his fault, because I knew it was mine. When Dad met Beth and remarried, my guilt lessened because he learned to forgive himself. But I still had to take care of you. It killed me every day to look at you, knowing you couldn’t have children. I vowed to be a mother to you, take care of you, and never live far from you.”
I’m bawling again, and she shakes her head in disbelief.
“But I did get pregnant and was blessed with Felicia. You need to let it go.”
“It doesn’t matter. I didn’t deserve to do what I wanted anymore. You and Dad were my responsibility then. I had to take care of you, so I had to forget about what I wanted.”
“I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.” She wraps her arms around me more tightly than before.
“All these years I’ve been thinking my punishment was to give up on what I wanted and to take care of my family. I became the mother figure. It was the least I could do—I killed her. I don’t regret one minute of taking care of you both. I swear,” I reassure her as I squeeze her back, even tighter. We’re going to pop soon the way we’re holding on to each other.
She pulls away from me and takes my face in her hands. “Never once did I or Dad think it was your fault. It took years to convince Dad it wasn’t his fault. It kills me to think you’ve been keeping this inside for all these years yourself. Why didn’t you talk to me!” She pulls me into her arms again, sobbing along with me.
“You and Dad had worse problems. I had to stand up and do what was right. That’s the least I could do for Mom.
“Now that you have James and Felicia and Dad has Beth, it’s my time to break away.”
She holds my hand. “But what does this have to do with the necklace?”
“It’s the only thing I have that’s a part of her. I felt she was always with me. I can’t believe it’s gone.” I cry into Lisa’s shoulder. “What am I going to do without it? Without her? Please help me find it!”
She squeezes my hand tightly. “The necklace could be anywhere in the city or in Hoboken. Alexa plans to call the bars we were at, and Gerry’s restaurant.” She looks at her watch. “It’s almost eleven. A couple open between eleven and twelve. We left my number at the last bar, in case someone finds it. But you can’t get your hopes up. If we can’t find it, I promise you’ll be fine without it.” She kneels in front of me. “Mom’s always with us—with you—regardless of your necklace. I feel her with me every day.” She leans up and hugs me again. “You’ll get through this. I know you will. You’re one of the strongest women I know, next to Alexa, of course.”
I giggle. She’s right about Alexa.
I wipe the tears from my eyes. “After all these years, I’ve never been so unhinged. Maybe everything I’ve bottled up has finally reached its pressure point.”
“Please promise me, from now on you’ll come to me about anything. You were always there for me with every little tear that fell from my eyes. I want to be that someone for you now. I was so caught up in my own misery, I never paid attention to yours.” Her eyes well up with tears again. “Please forgive me for being so selfish and clueless.”
I put my head in my hands out of exhaustion. “You weren’t selfish, and don’t apologize. I was excellent at hiding things from you and Dad and…even myself.”
“From now on there’ll be no secrets between us. Do you understand?”
I slowly lift my head and nod.
“I love you, Tina. So much.”
We embrace again.
I’ve missed this kind of affection. Gerry’s hugs were the best, but I’ll never feel him against me again.
She pulls away and smirks. “Boy, you stink, and your breath could kill anyone.” Lisa waves her hand in front of her nose. “Go shower and brush your teeth.”
I crack a smile.
“When you’re feeling better, you’re going to spill the beans about Gerry.”
“I’m not sure—”
“When you’re ready to tell me.”
I nod and sift through my drawers for sweatpants. “I need to shower before I talk to anyone. Can you please ask Alexa to start calling the bars?”
“Sure. Now run to the bathroom.”
Twenty minutes later, I leave the bathroom with steam trailing behind me. Several sets of sad eyes stare at me. My heart breaks a little bit more, knowing they didn’t find my necklace.
“Pour yourself a cup of joe, grab a bagel, and come sit with us,” Cori says.
I ignore the coffee that’s calling me and walk over to them. I stand next to Lisa.
“No one found my necklace.”
“Sorry, sis,” Lisa says as she squeezes my hand.
My shoulders slump. I push back the never-ending tears that want to pour out again.
“Maybe it’ll turn up the next couple of days,” Alexa says.
I doubt it.
I turn toward Cori and Larissa. “You guys have plans today, right?”
“Yeah. Why?” Larissa asks.
I glance at Lisa. “I want to go home with you because I need to do something. What’s James’s plan?”
“We’re separate today. I told him to spend time with Matt. My plan is to take the train, and Dad will pick me up at the station since they have Felicia. Later on, James will come to Dad’s.”
“Good. When do you need to leave? Soon I hope.”
“We should leave here in an hour to get to the train station.”
I nod and rethink the coffee and bagel staring at me on the kitchen counter.
“Hey, Dad.”
His surprised face turns into a bright smile. He squeezes me tight like only a dad does and lifts me in the air. “What a great surprise. Lisa didn’t say you were coming with her. We haven’t seen you in weeks. I guess Hoboken’s been keeping you busy.”
I force myself to be peppy, but I’m not sure it’s convincing. “It has. I love it there.”
“We had a late night, so we’re both exhausted.” Lisa deflects his attention. “How is Felicia? Did she have a good night?”
They turn to the parking lot and walk ahead of me while talking about Felicia. I trail behind, thankful the focus is off me.
When we park in the driveway, I ask Dad, “Can I borrow your car? I want to go somewhere for a little while.” I climb out of the car and stand next to the driver’s door with my hand out. Lisa heads to the front door.
“Sure.” His eyebrows connect. “Everything okay? You’re not your normal self. I can’t remember the last time you were so mellow. I hope your job isn’t too much for you.”
I skim the ground with my sneaker. “Nah. I’m just going through some stuff. Nothing to worry about though.”
He places the keys in my hand. “Be careful, and take your time.”
I sit in the car, and he closes the door. I start the car and open the window.
“Beth will be happy to see you.”
“Thanks, Dad. I won’t be long.” He moves away from the car as I back out of the driveway.
Five minutes later, I arrive at the parking lot of Heaven’s Gate graveyard. I exhale in defeat and grab a pack of tissues out of my bag. It’s been a year since I’ve visited Mom’s grave.
As I approach her gravestone, I scan the area to see if other people are around. I need to be alone with her. No one’s in sight.
I kneel and pull some of the last weeds of the year out of the ground. Lisa adds new flowers each season. They are bright and happy, unlike me at this moment.
I stare at Mom’s gravestone and brush my fingers over her name. I break down again as I cover my face.
“I’m so sorry, Mom.” I’ve said it and cried so many times before, but today’s different. I’m at my worst and feel so alone. “Ever since Lisa and Dad found their happiness, I thought it was my turn. I believed my punishment was over, and I could finally follow the path I’ve always wanted. I have a great job, and I met a man I thought I was falling in love with. But he betrayed me. Am I still being punished? When will it ever end?
“I lost the necklace you gave me. It’s like you’ve died all over again. I don’t know what to do without it or you. You’ve been with me every minute of every day, and now it’s missing. Have I lost you too?” I wipe my tears away with the back of my hand and breathe deeply.
“I’m so lost and empty. I’ve never felt so alone. Please make it go away. Show me I’m forgiven.” I pull chunks of grass out of the ground. “Please tell me what I should do! Please, Mom! I’ve said I’m sorry a million times. Please help me find the necklace. I beg you.” Sobs return as every part of my body convulses.
I freeze when I hear a slight jingle of keys behind me. I wipe my face and turn my head. Dad and Lisa stand there a few feet away. I jump up and run into their arms. We hold each other tight, crying all together.
“It wasn’t your fault. It was no one’s fault. This is life, and accidents happen,” he cries into my ear.
Which makes me cry even more.
“All that time you tried to convince me it wasn’t my fault, you blamed yourself? I don’t know how you kept it to yourself and why we didn’t notice. I’m so ashamed. We should be saying sorry to you. Thank you for everything you’ve done for us.”
We separate from each other. I hand both of them a much-needed tissue. We’re a bunch of snotty messes.
“How did you know I was here?”
“Lisa told me what happened, and my gut told me where you went. We both had to come and help you. It’s time for us to take care of you. Do you feel any better getting it all out?”
“I think so, because that horrible weight on my chest is gone. Bawling my eyes out seems to have helped. I haven’t allowed myself to cry about anything for so long.”
“As of now,
everything’s going to change. You’ll no longer blame yourself. Your top priority is you. Whatever you think will make you happy, do it,” Lisa says. “When you need help, you ask for it. We’re your family, and we want to see you accomplish your dreams. You’ve punished yourself long enough.” She squeezes my hands and says, “It’s your time. Do you hear me? Your time. Nobody else’s.”
“Thank you both. It’ll take time, so be patient with me. I can’t just flip a switch.”
Dad puts his arm around my shoulders. “Do you need more time alone here?”
I look over at her grave. “No. Mom answered me. She sent you both here to find me.” Thanks, Mom. I love you. I’ll make you proud.
“Beth has a pot roast cooking. We can have an early family dinner. What do you both say?”
My stomach growls. “You know me. I could never resist Beth’s famous pot roast. It’ll be comforting to be all together.”
Lisa wraps her arm around mine. “As long as you still have your typical appetite, I think you’re going to be okay.”
I actually grin, but it hurts my face.
“Thank you for coming here. I love you both so much.”
“We know, more than ever now,” Dad says with a loving voice.
Lisa and I sway on the new swing set Dad built for Felicia. It’s high tech with two different slides, a small climbing wall, and a little clubhouse on the top. I’m not sure he understands she’s only a couple years old. For safety, he built a huge sandpit under it. He’ll probably make her wear a helmet when she’s out here. Always Mr. Safety.
Lisa stops her swing and twists to face me. “So what’s the story with you and Gerry?”
I stop mine but look at the sand. “I made a complete fool out of myself these past weeks in front of him. I opened up to someone for the first time in my life since Mom died. There’s something about him that makes me want to tell him everything. He’s so damn cute, I could punch him in the face.”
“I guess that’s a good thing.” She laughs. “It’s obvious you have strong feelings for him. I’m not sure why you hid your relationship with him from me in the first place.”
Dreams Collide: Collide Series Book 2 Page 19