Never Enough

by Sarah Clay

  “Really, Zeke used to try and run with me and I’d just feel like I’d have to hold a conversation or that I was rude when I didn’t want to speak, I just want to run with no distractions.” I scowl over at her for mentioning Zeke but Aubree’s laugh breaks the tension. “Do you remember when Zee tried running with you when we were on holidays up the coast” Aubree’s laughter is coming harder now and Eden’s cheeks are turning red, I throw an arm around her and pull her in to me; I expect her to resist but instead she falls forwards and grabs my shirt to keep her place. “Apparently little Miss Usain Bolt over here spent the first half of the run either grunting at his attempt to make conversation or completely ignoring him, by the second half she’d gotten so annoyed by him that she just pivoted and took off in a different direction” Aubree is wiping tears from her eyes now.

  “When Eden finally come home a few hours later, Zee still wasn’t home; he had gotten lost because he wasn’t paying attention which way they had run” Aubree is laughing so hard at the memory and Eden is a bright shade of red, she groans and buries her face in my shirt. “Shut up Bree, I still feel terrible about that” she mumbles in to my shirt not even attempting to move. I chuckle at her embarrassment, running my hands up and down her back. Of course Zeke had gotten lost. Running next to Eden in a pair of tights with her tits bouncing around and her arse in view; I wouldn’t be looking where we were headed either.

  “Hey Ry” Eden says as she pulls away from my chest, I look down to her face and notice she’s scrunching it up in disgust “Hmm” I murmur while trying to pull her back against me; but she protests. “Don’t take this the wrong way or anything…” rolling my eyes at her; I wonder what she could possibly come out with next “but your filthy and you really stink.” Everyone lets out a laugh and I can’t help but join in. She looks worried for a second that I really might be offended but I surprise her by grabbing her and pulling her down on top of my dirty clothes so that her own clothes take some of the grunt out of mine. She squeals when I start tickling her and tries swatting me away

  “Take it back” I laugh down at her squirming in my lap trying to get away. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry... stoppppppp” She squeals as I dig my fingers in to her ribs again. She’s thrashing around like a banshee and I can’t fight the grin on my face. “Take it back Eden” I growl “I take it back; I take it back please, please stop” she wheezes through her laughter. Finally relenting I let her pull away from me and back to her spot. When I notice her now crumpled and dirty shirt I smile in triumph; urging her to look down. “Ryan!” she laughs when she takes in her appearance. Brad leans over and gives me a high five and Eden nudges him playfully. I’d almost let go of the fact one of my best friends was getting so close to her, but the face he was pulling at her now had me pissed all over again.

  I’m distracted by my thoughts when she stands up and runs off towards my room. The boys all look confused but Aubree’s just shaking her head at me while grinning. I wait a couple of minutes before I stand and follow after her, worried I’d upset her. When I push open the door Eden’s standing beside my dresser, she’d shrugged off her dirty shirt and was midway through pulling on one of my shirts. Thankfully I had walked in at the right time, coping a view of her in nothing but some shorts and a white lace bra. But she quickly ripped the shirt down covering herself up. “Since you now need to wash another shirt of mine, figured you wouldn’t mind” she looks at me with a cheekiness written all over her face. I walk through my door and kick the it closed behind me before sauntering over.

  “Nope sorry, you can’t wear my shirt” I mock, trying to get her to take it back off. “Oh” her face falls but I quickly step in to her wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her flush up against me. I know I shouldn’t, but I kind of miss touching her. “I’d much rather you just in the bra” I joke and watch the emotions play out on her face; sad, embarrassed, confused and then she lands on amused. I thread my fingers up in to her hair holding her in place. “Soo... about losing the shirt.” She lets out a little laugh while pushing me off of her playfully, causing me to take a step back; letting my hands drop away from her. “Na uh buddy I wasn’t kidding, you smell; go shower” I try to act offended but her smile lights up her face, causing her dimple to pop out again and I know it’s for the best I take her advice and go have a shower; a cold shower.

  I take my time in the bathroom and getting dressed; dressing in a pair of trackies and a black tee. When I make my way out to the lounge room It’s just Jase, Aubree and Eden left. Jase and Aubree are in the exact same position they were when I left. But Eden’s moved, opting to stretch out across the sofa, their watching some singing contest. I could take the spare recliner; I should take it. But instead I nudge Eden’s head up and take the seat it was just resting on, she starts to pull herself up in to a sitting position but I grab her shoulders an urge her back down. She finally settles with her head resting on my thigh. Jason doesn’t even look away from the screen but Aubree’s looking over at us with a sad smile; when she catches me looking she shakes her head with a silent request not to mention it and looks back to the screen.

  When I’d gotten home I’d noticed the greasy paper bags from a takeout place down the road, so I knew they had all eaten. I hadn’t had anything yet and was pretty fucking hungry; but the last thing I wanted to do right now was move. So I stayed put and tuned in to the show on TV. “So are you going to go?” Jase asks Eden, obviously continuing a conversation they were having before I arrived. Eden just shrugs in return, “Go where?” she doesn’t answer me, instead opting to chew on the side of her thumb. I chance a glance across the room and notice my brother smirking, Aubree always the ring leader, fills me in. “Our Miss Miller over here has a date this week with a hot number from their business class.” I look down to where Eden’s head rests on me, she must feel my gaze because she peeks up at me.

  “A date huh?” I school my features, trying to keep them as neutral as possible, not sure if that’s even possible right now. I’m angry that some dickhead business prick is asking her out. Then I get angrier because I have no right to be angry to begin with. “He asked me out yeah, but I didn’t answer him; so he said he was going to ask me again on Wednesday.” She’s mumbling and all I can do is nod. I look back up to the TV trying to distract myself from the tension building inside of me.

  At some point I start playing with her hair, threading my fingers through it and twisting it around. It was relaxing and I must not have been the only one to think so because when I look down I notice Eden had fallen asleep; she’s still resting on my leg but she’s slipped her hands under her cheek now. Her long lashes are splayed across her cheeks and her lips are puckered slightly as she’s fully relaxed. I keep playing with her hair not wanting to stop in case it causes her to wake. I know she doesn’t sleep well so the more of it she can get the better.

  Aubree startles me an hour later when she leans down in front of Eden’s face and whispers up to me “I’ve got to get home; I’ll wake her so I can give her a lift.” I shake my head “Why doesn’t she have her own license?” I’d been wondering why for a while now but when I’d asked Eden about it she just scoffed and said it wasn’t necessary when she had Aubree. “Her mum wouldn’t sign the paperwork” she looks over Eden with that sad smile again and I feel myself mimicking her expression. “What’s going on with her and Brad?” I didn’t mean to blurt that out, it had been on my mind since I walked in the door. But it’s out there now, Aubree’s squinting back at me “You don’t get to do that Ryan.” I know she’s right, fuck I know. But it will eat at me. I’m trying to come up with a good defence when she finally puts me out of my misery.

  “Nothing, their friends. Your best friend seems to have taken over your role when we’re out. Cock blocking anyone in sight.” I laugh at that, almost proud of him, but I’m not sure if his doing it for me or himself. I’m mulling it over, when I notice Aubree leaning in to wake Eden. “Don’t wake her, she needs her sleep; she can stay here tonigh
t” I finally say. Aubree glares back at me and I’m quick to add “Just sleep.” She looks back over to Jason and he gives her a little nod. Exhaling loudly, she relents, leaning down to kiss Eden on the forehead and then repeating the action on Jason before she leaves and he heads to bed.

  I slowly start to shuffle my body so I can get out from underneath Eden gently, but she startles awake. I lean down in front of her and she just stares at me with wide eyes, “Shh little bird, I’m going to take you to bed; Aubree said to say goodnight.” She doesn’t respond as her eyes grow heavy again. I put my hands underneath her knees and brace one around her back; slowly lifting her up and against my chest. Eden snuggles her face in to my shoulder and closes her eyes while I carry her in to my room. Slowly laying her down before shifting her across the bed. Puling her shoes off one at a time and sitting them down beside the bed. I set an alarm and climb in next to her.

  “Can’t make a habit of this” she mumbles as she turns towards me, eyes still closed. “Oh I don’t know” she lets out a little sleepy laugh. “Come here” I say as I reach an arm out to her, she doesn’t open her eyes, but she must feel my outstretched arm and she shuffles in to me. When she’s close enough I pull her in so her head rests on my shoulder and my arms draped around her. “Eden” she mumbles incoherently trying not to let sleep take over, but quickly starting to lose the battle. “Don’t go on that date.” She doesn’t reply, sleep winning out.

  Chapter Sixteen

  EDEN

  I’m standing in my room staring at the laptop, not sure If I want to push send on the email that’s up on the screen. My boss had requested me for a project based on my old art teachers’ recommendations. It was an article to be posted on Alcoholism. Mr. Harris was the only other person to see some of my more private photos. I hadn’t added them to my school portfolio because it wasn’t something I’d wanted to share with my class mates. But When my boss and old teacher had been chatting a few weeks ago he’d told him that he knew I’d have the perfect photos for the task. I was thankful that he really liked and respected my work enough to recommend it and the money that was offered to me for the job was amazing; I couldn’t turn it down I needed every little bit I could to grow my savings and feel more content, safe even. But now that I look back over the attachments for the email, I’m nervous for the photos to be published. Ashamed somebody might recognize the environment or contents in them.

  “Eden, you ready?” I look up to see Ryan walking in to my room. Ever since I’d stayed over at his house again we had been hanging out like normal, I never ended up going on the date we’d spoken about. He’d asked me not to and instead of being a big girl, I’d pretended to be asleep so I didn’t question why it would bother him. But today I was going with him and Jase to their grandparent’s house for dinner, not in any girlfriend/boyfriend capacity, nope just friends. He looks amazing, his wearing brown cargo pants with a white long sleeve tee that he’s rolled up to his forearms. His hair is pushed back and his face is cleanly shaven.

  I look down at what I’m wearing wondering if I look ok. “You look hot” he answers my thoughts and I smile up at him. I have on a pair of dark leggings and a pale pink long tee, with a denim jacket over top. I’ve paired the outfit with brown flats and left my hair down. Minimal make up and some silver accessories care of Bree. She couldn’t come with us because she had a colleagues’ birthday party; so it was just me and the boys. “What are you doing?” he quirks a brow and looks over at the open laptop on my bed. I quickly hit send and close the lid, before he can come any closer and see. “Just sending off some photos to my boss, let’s go.”

  Ry and Jase’s grandparents are amazing, we’ve been here a few hours and they’ve been filling me up on delicious foods and funny stories about the boys as kids. They were introduced to me as Sue and Ron but I had been told off when I tried to call them that, told to refer to them only as Gran and Gramps. Jase and Ry were sitting on the floor in the lounge room trying to show their Grandad how to use the new TV that their dad, his son, had just purchased for them. Walking in to the kitchen carrying dishes from our dinner I look around trying to find an empty spot to put them. Sue and Ron’s house was a modest little thing, filled to the brink with nick knacks and mementos. Every wall was covered in photos of their family. She was the type of Gran who was proud of every achievement, holding on to ugly art projects and participation awards. Instead of having modern cutlery and dish sets; they were all mix matched. Clearly just adding to their collection over the years as they were broken or misplaced. It felt like what I had always imagined a grandparents’ house would feel like.

  “So you know all about us now, but I don’t know much about you sweet girl?” Sue quietly speaks as she takes the plates from me. “there’s not really much to tell” I shrug “I grew up in Western Sydney with my mum, my dad took off when my mum told her he was pregnant with me and I have no other family, except Bree and hers.” I smile over at her, hoping she doesn’t see the sadness I try desperately to cover when speaking of my family. She notices, but just offers me a small nod of her head. “Your mum most be awfully proud of you for your studies and work and oh what a beautiful young girl you are.” Her warm smile holds me in the moment for a second, was my mother proud of me for anything; or was it all just another thing I got to do that she never did. I can feel myself frowning and my body growing stiff. “I doubt it, she’s not a very happy person” I admit. Sue nods again and wipes her hands on the tea towel she had beside the sink, walking closer to me.

  She reaches for my hand; holding it in between hers. “We all have someone in our lives that has disappointed us a time or two, someone that no matter what they do you still try to love them through it” I just stare down at our joint hands. “The boys’ dad, our son Benjamin he…” she squeezes my hand “he loves the boys in his own way” I look up in to her face, but she’s looking past me at Ry and Jase. “It was hard to watch those two grow up without either of their parents around for them and we tried to make up for it. To be what they needed, but every time we taught them new things or helped them with their homework or even attended their sporting events; every single time I saw the boys faces fall in disappointment. I felt that, I felt disappoint towards my Benjamin.”

  I tighten my grip on her hand, knowing it must not be easy to admit out loud. “We all have a weak spot; their dad was ours. Until he wasn’t, until he couldn’t be anymore.” I look over at the boys and she just nods. I know now that she realised she couldn’t force her son to do what she wanted him to do, she couldn’t help someone who didn’t want to be helped. But she could help her grandsons. And I think I love her just a little bit more because she did help them, she saved them from having to grow up the way I had, from having to grow up never knowing what love and safety was.

  I look back over at Gran and she’s looking at me with a serious expression “she’s your weak spot, your mum” She concludes correctly. I don’t even think before I nod and I see the sympathy written across her face. “I don’t know any other way, she’s not a nice person; but she’s all I’ve got left” I whisper, she shakes her head a little. “I don’t believe that, my boys adore you, you have them, your friend Aubree she seems to be pretty fond of you and you have me and gramps.”

  She says it so matter of fact that I don’t know what to say, yeah I have her now but for how long, at the end of the day I have her for as long as I have Jase & Ry in my life; so I have her... until I don’t. I look at her old eyes that seem to hold so much understanding and wisdom. I take in a deep breath as she pulls me in to a tight hug. We’re interrupted by two hands landing on my shoulders, pulling me out of Sues arms and in to someone else’s, with my back to their front. I keep looking at Gran, her eyes are dancing now and she’s got a small smile spreading over her face. I look up to see who’s intruded on our moment even though I can already assume who it is; I see Ryan’s laughing eyes, his smirking down at me while shaking his head “can’t leave you alone anywhere can I.” I just shru
g in return, he really shouldn’t; I like his arms around me. The comfort I feel is better, bigger.

  I’m sitting out on the back patio with Sue and Ron while Ryan and Jase are play wrestling on the grass in front of us. Trying to prove who is the strongest, apparently they used to do this a lot when they were younger and It’s hilarious watching grown adults attempt it now. We’re all laughing when I hear a vibration from besides me on the table, it’s Ryan’s phone. “Ry your phones ringing” I call out to him, he just grunts and calls back for me to answer it. I shrug; it says private number. I pick it up but before I can even speak I hear a deep voice on the line

  “You answered… don’t hang up” he doesn’t speak for a second so I take the time to correct him, “Hi Sorry, this is Eden… Ryan’s just a bit preoccupied right now” and then I realise what that must sound like “NOT LIKE THAT, his busy with his brother” I rush out before I can think of what I’m saying “OH MY GOD, not like that either” I cover my face with my hands trying to cool it down. When I look back up, Sue and Ron are grinning over at me. “Uh no worries, I’m Ben.. Ryan and Jason’s Dad” Ben clarifies, clearly knowing his not Ryan’s favourite person and afraid I wouldn’t know who he was just by his first name alone. “Oh, did you want to speak with him?” I ask quietly, obviously he wants to speak to him or he wouldn’t be calling.