Never Enough

by Sarah Clay

  I stand up, walking over to the boys who are now laying on their backs trying to catch their breath. Standing over Ryan, I hold his phone out to him. He raises a brow at me in question as he takes it, his features soften and he smiles up at me. “It’s your dad” I inform him, in a matter of seconds he goes from smiling to scowling and snatches the phone out of my hand; jerking up from the ground. “What?” he snaps in to the phone. I can’t hear what his dad is saying on the other end because Ry is already storming off back in to the house.

  Looking over at Jase; he just shakes his head and stands up wrapping an arm around me. We all follow in to the house a minute or so later and Ryan is yelling down the line at his father. He looks so lost and angry that I shrug out from Jase’s arm and start walking towards him, but before I get there he picks up the vase of flowers I’d brought over with us, and launches them across the room. I let out a scream and take a step back. Ryan hears me and spins to look at me, throwing his phone down.

  My eyes haven’t moved from the floor where the vase is in pieces on the ground, the flowers and water splayed across the ground. I see out of my peripheral Ryan take a step towards me and instinctively I take a step backwards. The room is deathly silent and no one has moved, so he notices mine. “FUCK” he yells out and I flinch again. He flings his hands in to his hair and pulls at it a little. “FUCK” I don’t flinch this time, I look up at his face but his not looking at me now, his looking past me to where Jase still stands. “Can you make sure Eden gets home.” Grabbing his keys out of his pocket and throwing them towards Jase before turning and walking out the door.

  Chapter Seventeen

  EDEN

  We stayed around long enough to clean up the mess Ryan had made. Gran had me promise I would come back and visit and Gramps had given me a great big bear hug before tucking me in to passenger seat of Ryan’s Hilux. We’d been driving for about 20 minutes before I break the silence. “I shouldn’t have answered his phone; I shouldn’t touch things that don’t belong to me” I mumble out loud to no one. Jason hears me though and he reaches out for my hand, “It’s not that Edes. Ryan and Dad are always fighting” I nod, but if I hadn’t of answered the call then we would have still been having a good time.

  I look out the window trying to drop the conversation, but Jase keeps talking. “Ryan and I took our mother and subsequently, our father leaving in very different ways” he starts “I guess you could say while Ryan locked up shop not wanting to let anyone else in in order to protect himself, I opted to do the opposite and gain all that I had lost through friendships and relationships.” I look over at him but his just staring straight ahead while still casually holding my hand. “Ryan doesn’t really talk to Dad; hell he works for dad’s biggest competitor instead of for him.” He sighs “Whereas I want any relationship with my father I can get, obviously that’s why I want to go to work with him.” I don’t know what to say so I remain silent. “His trying really hard to block out his feelings for you Edes, I’ve seen how he is around you and I can physically see him fighting it every step of the way.”

  I join Jase in staring straight ahead as he drives us back to my apartment. I know Ryan has some huge barricades up, but over the months I’ve gotten to know him I see a gentle, caring and sweet guy just on the outskirts of what he portrays to the world. I don’t know if that’s just me reading in to things, portraying what I want to see; but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have feelings for him. Even if I’m petrified of not being enough for him to let me in. I know I can fight or fly in the moment and I think I might decide to fight for once. “Jase can you take me back to your apartment with you please?” he looks over at me and gives me the most genuine smile, he looks like a little kid who’s just been granted a wish. He nods and squeezes my hand before letting it go, turning the car back towards their place.

  I’d tried calling Ryan a handful of times last night, opting to wait on the couch instead of his room. But it was morning now and his bedroom door was still wide open, so apparently he never made an appearance. I sit up fully, cracking my neck to the side. Spotting Jason leaning against the kitchen bench, he sends me a sad smile. I reach for my phone on the coffee table to see if I have any missed calls from him but all I have is three message from Bree. I open them up.

  Bree: Hey Dee, soo… Ryan’s here? Thought you guys were at the oldies?

  Ree: His acting like a dick to everyone and is sitting in the corner drinking himself in to oblivion. Some whore bag is pawing all over him. What happened? Call me.

  The next message is a picture and I click on it, when it opens up I see Ryan sitting at a table with a drink in his hand and some cute blonde sitting in his lap, his other hand resting around her back holding her in place. I feel tears coming and shake them off. I haven’t cried since I was a kid and I wasn’t about to cry over this either. While I’d sat up most of the night waiting for Ryan to come back to the apartment so we could talk, he’d been out getting drunk with some blonde. I feel the couch dip next to me and look over to see Jason’s face full of concern. I don’t speak just pass him my phone. “Guess I wasn’t worth it” I speak, but my voice breaks. Jason understands what I’m saying, I wasn’t worth him risking getting hurt. My phone rings in his hand and he passes it over to me, Bree.

  I don’t even say hello, “Can you come get me?” I whisper “I’m just getting ready to go to brunch with Zee but his out now, I’ll have him come get you” she fires off and I can hear her clicking away on her screen already, obviously giving Zeke his marching orders. “Thanks.” I don’t hang up I just hold the phone tightly to my ear as I grab my shoes and pull them on. “Ok, he’ll be there in 5” I thank her again before hanging up. Standing up I look around the room and then back at Jase. “I have to go” he stands pulling me in to a hug “I’ll walk you out.” We walk side by side down the stairs and then I surprise myself when I admit “My mum used to say the three most important letters in my name were the EDN because if you rearrange them it spells END... and I was the end of everything good in her life” his step falters but he doesn’t speak “I was never good enough for my mum and she never let me forget it” I whisper out just as we make it to the entrance of their building “Ryan doesn’t speak the words, but sometimes he makes me feel that way.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  RYAN

  I’m just about to pull the door open when it pushes open from the opposite side and I step back, Eden and Jase exit and I freeze; so relieved to see her here. I notice she’s still wearing the same clothes from yesterday. But when I step closer to her, she steps backwards. I know straight away she’s heard about my night, I remember seeing Aubree at some point but I’d been drinking heavily and the only other thing I can remember is some girl named Sami sitting with me trying to cheer me up. At some point we’d gotten closer and she was sitting on my lap. But the next I know, I’m waking up on Max and Brad’s couch with no other memory of the night.

  “Eden” I try but she shakes her head at me to stop. “Eden” I reach out for her and she takes another step back. Fuck. I look over to my brother for help but his just gazing down at Eden with a worried expression. “I’m sorry I took off like that. I could tell I was scaring you, I just… I needed some space” She won’t look at me and it hurts. “I just needed to get some air and breathe without anyone else around” At that she looks up at me, frowning; her eyes glistening. “You seemed to be sharing your space just fine last night Ryan.” She takes a step towards the car park as I reach out, grabbing her wrist. When I look past her I see a guy getting out of an Audi s4, smiling over at her. “Who’s that?” I growl.

  She doesn’t answer, doesn’t even look in my direction. Just watches as the guy walks up to her. “Everything alright here Dee?” I look over at him now that his closer and even with a massive fucking hangover I can tell who it is, he’s the male version of Aubree. So this is Zeke. I tighten my grip on her wrist and his eyes cut to where we’re still joined. “Eden, don’t go. Just come inside, we ca
n talk” I try. She looks up at me with sad eyes “I waited up for you all night to talk Ryan.” I know I’ve let her down, but I can fix this if she would just come inside. “Eden.” Zeke answers for her “Think you should let go of her now mate” I’m not about to let her go and walk off with him. “And I think you should fuck off” I spit out. His brows jump probably because of my lack of manners. “Come on Dee, let’s go” he prompts her and I feel her pulling away then see him smirk over at me. Before I can even stop myself, I swing my fist back and hit the fucker in the face. In two seconds flat I’ve dropped Eden’s wrist and I’m on top of him landing punch after punch. I can feel my brother wrapping his arms around me and hoisting me off of him.

  He pulls me a couple of feet away put doesn’t drop his arms from around me, holding me in place; The tension is radiating off me. When I look back to Eden she’s leaning down helping Zeke to stand, he wraps his arm around her shoulders. “Eden” I yell as she starts to turn away from me. I struggle in Jase’s arms. “Don’t go.” I notice instead of looking at me she looks to Jase and I see him nod, I fight against his grip even more, pure anger radiating off me now as I watch her walk away and get in to Zeke’s car. When his Audi pulls out of the parking spot Jason finally drops his arms and I spin around on him and knock him back with a sharp push.

  “What the fuck was that Jase, why would you tell her to go” he just shakes his head at me and turns to walk back in to our building, I don’t think his going to answer me but he stops at the door and holds it open for me. I take a minute and then finally relent walking past him and up the stairs. “You need to calm down before you speak to her again.” Is all I hear him say as I open our apartment door and storm through the space straight to my bedroom, I slam the door and stand in place breathing heavy. Trying to figure out what just happened. Clenching and unclenching my hand, it’s hurting like a bitch but I bet that dickheads face is hurting more.

  I’d tried calling Eden all day but she’d switched her phone off. By the time it was getting dark I was ready to get in my car and drive over there. “She sat up on the couch all night waiting for you man.” Jase speaks from my door. I’m lying on my back, spread across my bed. I shift my arm from across my eyes so I can see him properly. “She was worried about you after the way you left last night” I scowl at the reminder of my father’s phone call. I never answered his calls, if he couldn’t make time for me while I was growing up, why the fuck should I make time for him now. I took his money, because really; that was the least I deserved from him. But that’s as far as I’d let him back into my life. When Eden had passed me the phone I made the mistake of taking the call and he was spouting some bullshit about trying to make up for the lost years, offering me a job with him and telling me he wanted to be around more if I’d let him.

  I’d lost it at him, releasing all the anger I’d built up with him over the years and let him have it. I saw Eden’s face when I smashed the gift she’d gotten for my gran and gramps. When I tried to make a move towards her I saw her scared reaction and knew I’d ruined the whole night. I’d been having so much fun too. Having her in my home. Gran and Gramps loved her. Gramps had pulled me aside to tell me he needed help with his new TV, but he wasn’t fooling me. He may be old, but he knew exactly how to work it. While we sat around telling him useless information about the TV he’d cut me off telling me he was glad I was letting someone in, I’d informed him we were just friends and he’d scoffed at that “I haven’t seen you this happy for a long time kid and I think that pretty poppet in my kitchen is to thank for it, I’m not saying you’ve got it all figured out yet but you’ll both get there” he’d said. So when I realised I’d fucked it up and she was scared I did the only thing my parents had taught me how to do and I’d left.

  “She woke up to a picture of you drunk off your arse with some blonde wrapped around you” he finally says “who the fuck sent her a picture?” I ask out loud but there was no point. Of course Aubree would send that to her best friend, we may have become good friends but she would always look out for Eden. While Eden and I we’re not a couple it didn’t mean we hadn’t been hanging out as often as possible. Fuck, I’d taken her to my Grandparents, just to leave her and end up out with someone else. I look up to where my brother was standing but he was no longer there. Fuck me, I was driving everyone away at this point.

  By Seven O’clock that night, I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to talk to Eden. Jumping up from my bed, I was throwing on my shoes, grabbing my car keys and wallet and stalking out of my room and into the living room. Jase is sitting at the kitchen bench and Aubree’s leaning against the sink looking annoyed. She notices me move in to the space but doesn’t acknowledge me. “Aubree” I breathe out. “Dickhead” she replies, but I see her gaze drop to my hand. I laugh, that’s Aubree for you.

  “Sorry about hitting your brother” I finally say as I sit down next to Jase sighing. “Why’d you do that anyway?” I give her the only answer I’ve got. “I could see the way he was looking at her; you can’t tell me he doesn’t want to be all over Eden. And she was leaving with him, I just…” I trail off not knowing how to finish my sentence. Aubree seems to pick up on it “You’re right, Zee has always looked at Eden like that. But Eden’s completely unaware of her own worth” I nod. Not happy in the slightest about Zeke’s feelings, but I’m starting to see a pattern of Eden not knowing how amazing she actually is.

  “What happened last night Ryan?” I shrug my shoulders, embarrassed to even answer “I have no idea.” I finally answer “I got piss roaring drunk and blacked out, I woke up this morning on Max and Brad’s couch.” Aubree just gives me a sympathetic look “I know you’ve got your own shit going on Ryan. But she’s had to many people in her life blame their mistakes on alcohol” she doesn’t give me a second to respond “You need to walk away before you add your name to that list, she deserves more.” I know she’s probably right. But I don’t know if I’m capable of walking away, It’s all I’ve been trying to do.

  Chapter Nineteen

  RYAN

  I’d given her two weeks, ok ten days. But I hadn’t heard from her. Aubree hadn’t been at the apartment and Jase was tight lipped about the time he spent with her in class. I was currently sitting in front of her apartment building waiting for her to come home. After knocking on her door and calling out to her for ten minutes, her neighbour finally come out of their place to tell me she’d taken off a few hours ago. I knew she probably didn’t want to see me but I needed her to know I hadn’t hooked up with Sami. I don’t know why, I just felt like it was important she knew. Brad had filled in the missing pieces of the night for me over drinks a few nights ago. At the same time, I’d hit him up about what was going on with him and Eden, He’d told me in a very unkind fashion that I was a fucking idiot and yeah if I didn’t step up he would gladly step in

  “What are you doing here Ryan?” I hear her before I see her. When I look up she’s standing in front of me in her running gear and a pair of the blue Nikes I got for her. I smile at her feet and look back up at her, her hairs piled on top of her head and she’s not wearing any make up. I can tell she’s tired and flushed from her run but she looks beautiful. “Wanted to talk to you, you weren’t answering my calls.” I stand; following her in to her building and up to her apartment. She doesn’t speak and I worry she doesn’t realise I’m following her. But she unlocks the old door and opens it up, holding it open for me to follow after her. She heads straight for the kitchen and fills a cup up with water, downing it before having another.

  Finally, she meets my eyes. “Ryan we’re good, we’re fine; I’ve just been busy” She’s giving me an out but I don’t take it. “I never slept with Sami” she just stares at me. “the girl in the photo.” Nodding she shrugs, “I know.” I squint at her “you know?” she nods again. “Brad told me the next day, but it doesn’t matter Ryan. You are free to do whatever you like, we aren’t a couple, we never were.” She smiles but it doesn’t meet her eyes. “I uh, need
to shower.” I nod as I walk over to the sofa, taking a seat and making a show of getting comfortable. She hasn’t moved, she’s gawking at me in surprise and confusion. “I’ll wait.” I think she’s going to kick me out but instead she just shakes her head and crosses the room to the bathroom.

  I swear she deliberately takes the world’s longest shower to avoid coming back out. Fifty-Five god damn minutes later she reappears in front of me, freshly dressed in a pair of leggings and a hoody. Her wet her tucked in to a pony tail. She sits next to me and reaches for the laptop on the coffee table. She makes quick work of flicking it open, switching on Netflix and selecting something before she rests it back in front of us. Neither of us saying a word to the other. We sit side by side, not touching and watch old re runs of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

  I know she’s offering me an olive branch; she doesn’t want to talk about it. But she’s letting me back in. As much as I want to wrap my arm around her and thank her, I keep my hands to myself and just enjoy being near her again. When the little message appears, asking if we’re still watching she doesn’t click anything. I glance over at her but she’s staring out at nothing in particular. I just continue watching her. “My photos, the one for that big project… they get released with the article in two weeks” I smile at her, even though she looks nervous. “That’s awesome Eden, I can’t wait to see them” her eyes swing to mine and she shakes her head “Oh no, no you don’t need to look for them, they’re just photos.” I wish she could see how talented she was, everyone around her thinks so, except her.